Glassmouth Posted May 22, 2017 Posted May 22, 2017 thank you so much to @Aurora and @ughgabriel for your reviews I'm going to take note to improve for the next challenge
FCKNAmbrosia Posted May 22, 2017 Posted May 22, 2017 (edited) 7 hours ago, ughgabriel said: @FCKNAmbrosia - Codes Okay, okay, okay! On this song you had a good flow, good meter, a nice rhyme scheme, but what I had a problem with, was that you used a lot of metaphors that weren't connected to each other: "quenched by your liquor", "my skin as your sheet", "your sweat will be the ink", "write down every code", etc. I mean you could've just sticked to one type of metaphors and everything would be more cohesive and would've elevated the song. It's one of the stronger entries this round, for me, but there are things that you need to polish so it can be considered great. I also want to know if the protagonist is moved by love or by lust, or is it in the middle? Like just a passional love? That's one doubt I had. I will say that "Inhale your breath as my hands try to encode / Your stretch marks into our letters of love" is one of my favorite couplets from this round! Nice job. If you want feedback on specific parts/lines you can always ask! @ughgabriel thank you honey haha actually the song is based on a real life experience of mine where I had a thing for my best friend, and he had strong feelings towards me too. But he was paranoid because he was afraid of people finding out and judging his sexuality... and he had a girlfriend too at that time... so we had to invent a lot of pretenses just to hide everything. It was both a physical and emotional kind of love, but I had figured out I could do it without him as well, so it was a more "live the moment" relationship. Also the "liquor" is actually his semen ( I couldn't say it in a more appropriate way ) as the whole second verse is about oral intercourse . And "my skin as your sheet", "your sweat will be the ink" are about sex too because in our relationship, every "forbidden" gesture was transposed into a code. Edited May 22, 2017 by FCKNAmbrosia
FCKNAmbrosia Posted May 22, 2017 Posted May 22, 2017 3 hours ago, Aurora said: 17. @FCKNAmbrosia - Codes Interesting cover, first of all. I think there’s honestly a lot to like about this entry. The subject matter isn’t necessarily something I like if I’m honest but being unbiased, technically, you’ve done a good job here, for the most part. There are some lyrics that could use revision, “stun my brain”, “stretch marks”, “Been in drainage” etc. just don’t work for me. You definitely painted a clear scenario though and you’ve gotten quite creative with a lot of the lyrics which is great to see. There’s nothing cliche about this, which is often the case with sex songs. I would definitely suggest a different subject matter next week, as I’d like to see how your creative lyricism can be applied to something I’d actually enjoy reading. The cover relates to the song in a good way too. Thank you . I'm sorry you didn't like the topic but I promise I will serve diversity in the next rounds. I'm in my "Witness" era rn
Speezy Posted May 22, 2017 Posted May 22, 2017 (edited) Thanks judges i kind of wanted a derailing opening to distract the reader but still relevant to the schematic Edited May 22, 2017 by Speezy
RihsusChrist(ATG) Posted May 22, 2017 Posted May 22, 2017 Quote @RihsusChrist(ATG) - 1997 Wow, this was really nice! I really like the verses because they make me feel a lot of nostalgia and I can easily relate to it, so you had your work done there! Just remember that your chorus is supposed to be the central part of your song so you can't make it all repetitive and weaker than the verses because it's kind of the most important part of the song, and on this case, it was the weakest part of it :( On the prechorus you could have avoided the last line. So you did well this round, now you need to pay attention to every bit of your song, try to make all the parts of your song equally good, so a section doesn't read as weaker than the others. Just try to keep everything at a high level! If you want feedback on specific parts/lines you can always ask! Quote 18. @RihsusChrist(ATG) - 1997 This was actually quite nice. Nostalgia songs always seem to do quite well, I mean it’s that feeling of better days that everyone can relate to in some way, shape or form and relatability is always an important aspect to win someone over. Even if there are technical flaws, if something moves someone or connects with someone, they’re more willing to overlook those things if they’re minor. That said, there were some major issues with your chorus. I know you did not just rhyme “1997” with “heaven” and then back to “seven” again, sis. I was expecting a “7/11” to pop up at any moment. Thankfully you realised your error of your ways and created a second chorus, which is so much better than the first (even if “aggressing” felt unnatural and forced). The amount of repetition of “I wanna go back to 1997” was also a couple times too much, it would have been better if you’d just repeated it twice instead of four times. The verses however, especially the third one, were great. The cover was a nice relation to the concept of the song. Thank U Gabe and Aurora for the positive feedback and the constructive criticism. This song was very personal to me...I don't share my feelings much, so writing this was very cathartic.
mxtthewdelrey Posted May 22, 2017 Posted May 22, 2017 4 hours ago, Aurora said: 26. @mxtthewdelrey - W | E | T I thought this was going to be a sex song at first asdfghjkl; I feel like this is definitely a specific kind of song you’re going for. Are you writing with a PC Music type beat in mind? That’s what I’m getting, anyway. It’s major quirk. I’m not necessarily sure if it’s the best way to go about this competition, and this is coming from someone that likes a lot of the PC Music roster’s stuff, it just… doesn’t translate well lyrically, since it’s mostly all about the production and the craziness of the high pitched vocals and… OK I’m assuming a lot here. The “ands” and “ah-ahs” are filler, though. Juvenile phrases such as “water is wet” and “shampoo drip into my eye” aren’t lyrical whatsoever. I don’t know what you plan to take from this competition, if you plan to stick to your style or experiment with different styles of music or what, but I don’t really think this style of writing is what you should be producing if you want to be well-received in this competition. Then again, maybe you don’t care about that, and just want to do what you like, which I definitely respect. I guess we’ll see next week! thank you so much, my friend! it's not meant to be a PC Music song particularly. and I understand how the "ands" and "ah-ahs" wouldn't translate unless i came over and sang it to you but i promise the melody is just lovely. thank you overall anyway
EmojiClothes Posted May 22, 2017 Posted May 22, 2017 5 hours ago, Aurora said: 23. @EmojiClothes - 770 Not you using a picture of your ex, a mess. Zero ****s given, I love that. I kind of loved this in a way I feel like I shouldn’t. From a technical standpoint, the “nose/clothes” lyric is a mess, but I find it really endearing. It kind of feels like something P!nk would sing, actually. Not “Grindr belt”, amazing. I think overall, despite its flaws, there’s definitely the bones of a good song here. The rhymes are set up and places nicely, the meter is tight, it’s not your cliche or cookie-cutter perfect post-breakup “I miss you” type song and I enjoy that. I’m very interested to see what you deliver next week. I guess the cover has to relate to the song if it’s your ex, so no complaints there either. at least I didn't show his whole face thanks for being kind cause I didn't know how anyone would respond!!
fountain Posted May 22, 2017 Author Posted May 22, 2017 @Aurora @ughgabriel @Temporal Send me ya damn scores
EmojiClothes Posted May 22, 2017 Posted May 22, 2017 I feel so dumb and not smart cause I'm not getting how to decipher the hints
Temporal Posted May 22, 2017 Posted May 22, 2017 1. Gastrodonatella - Beat Me Up Like Your Pup Oh. Well, this wasn’t terrible for a troll entry, but some lines were understandably rushed. The challenge connection was eh. - “While you step on me like crush ****” idk what Crush **** is - “As I lick up your thick ass titties” You could’ve made the rhyme work better here instead of going for this reach 2. Beatinglikeadrum - Emotions of my Broken Heart The artwork was cute, but for this challenge, it felt a little mundane and predictable; I wanted the song and artwork to really speak to the challenge more. A picture of a heart with some floral letters was probably the easiest route for to go for your title with this challenge. You could’ve pushed for something more creative with the artwork and also the song title in general. Anyways, this entry didn’t really read like a song or a poem even. The style felt more like talking than writing, probably because the rhymes were so scarce (try AABB, ABAB, AABC, etc instead). - The chorus was dry, there was nothing really enrapturing to capture attention. “You easily took my heart / and created your own one” got close to it, but the rest of the lines around it didn’t help. - “I've just heard you did it to someone new / so you could've felt something again” the first line is SO cliché, and the tenses between the two lines are different: first line is present past, and the second is conditional past (the “could’ve” threw this couplet off) I know I wrote you a bit of a novel, but through all of that I think your emotion did come through; I got the heartbreak and hopelessness, this just needs refining that comes through practice. 3. Nait Phoenix - Raven I don’t think that the artwork represented this song? I think the dream motif was present much more than ravens and wraps the songs up better. The song itself felt a bit too Avant-Garde; the verses, for instance, read very choppily. I don’t get how the last stanza connects with the rest of the song, or what your dreams were about. Overall I’m just very confused. - “I red between each line” oh - I was going to drag you for using “Nevermore” BUT after Googling it and seeing the Edgar Allen Poe connection, I appreciate the research that went to the usage. 4. Cupid - Road to the Well This was refreshing and quite nice. The style of this was great, the vocabulary was on point, and the concept was personal and original. I know that you can claim personal dominion over the artwork, but I didn’t get how it connected to the song both before and after reading it. - “Show me a star I haven’t wished on / I’ve got a dream or two for them all” WHEW the wig snatching for the GET GO - label song structures fatty (ex. is the 2nd stanza part of the verse or pre-chorus?) - The rhymes in the 3rd stanza/chorus were quite meh, especially through/do. - I think this song ended a bit prematurely, I would’ve appreciated a bridge a lot. 5. ICEY - Close My Eyes I liked the artwork a lot, though it didn’t necessarily depict someone closing their eyes. This song, however, was quite choppy. - “I pulled a kiss on the edge of something else” pulled a kiss? on the edge of WHAT? - “Alone again there are dark clouds above my head / In my defense there’s a right side to every bed” These two lines do not go together at all. - “How am I supposed to say / how I feel, when its real ohh too far away” What is too far away? - “I just needed to change cause I wanted to change” This line felt pointless. 6. Glassmouth - Magic Kiss Nice artwork, however, as with the other entries, I don’t think this quite nailed the challenge. My biggest issue with this was that the flow was all over the place. The lengths of the lines and the stanzas, as well as the seemingly random language shift, were all so jarring. This read like a collection of scrap lines. - The lines in the first stanza were SO long - “or try to give yourself in within our heat” “yourself” is redundant - label song structures please - The third stanza was the best one 7. Hug - Drowned in Neon WHEW the SLAY artwork! AND it works with the song! My main issues were that you ended up having to repeat the same words multiple times, and that drained them of their luster. This would be a B O P. - “The smoke inside’s like summer rain” this confused me 8. Speezy - Stars and Memories This was kind of your best song ever. The flow was quite nice, I think the subject matter and metaphors were simple but effective, and it was an all-around acceptable song. The artwork also worked well here. My biggest issue was that there were lots of grammatical errors, mostly subject/verb agreement. - “How I wonder how's she feeling right now” the double use of “how” was grating - “Man I wish she were here tonight” WAS not were - “what I could've did right” done not did - “She probably thought I was there for sex” this line was too blunt with the rest of the style - “Emotions stronger than they ever was” WERE not was - “ the moon control” controlS - “I will always have my highs and lows / With her I was so high / Our final goodbye put me at low” You didn’t need to explain the highs and lows here since they were pretty obvious already. 9. OreGuy - Curtain I agree 100% with Gabe’s review. I’m just all around very confused by this entry, especially the artwork. You introduce these metaphors seemingly randomly and don’t develop them at all. I liked the structuring at least. - “fancy claps” can claps really be fancy? 10. Buyonce1814 - Revisitation Song. Structures. Pleeeeease. This read like a poem again! You also had a number of Mariahisms that could’ve been turned down, and had more interesting ways to insert AP English adjectives + a noun. The cover was funny and somewhat fitting thematically, but I think the underlying comedy in the gif didn’t fit with this song. - “Life gave me wings then stole the sky” yas - “Crippled by day, sodomised by night” um, interesting word choice… 11. OnikaCrazy - Lovesick This was fine I suppose technically, and the artwork did work well with the song, but this lacked any ingenuity or identity. The entire song read like a cliché since the lovesick metaphor has been used in songs hundreds of times before and you didn’t do much to reinvent it except count numbers in the verses. This would work much better as an actual song than a set of lyrics. - The chorus was by far the weakest part of the song. 12. LaneBoy - Breakthrough Though your style didn’t read very poetically - it was very conversational - I still liked it a little bit? I think the simplicity worked for the most part, and your artwork really complimented the song. However, a more critical reading would be that these lyrics couldn’t really be sung, and that there weren’t any keywords, phrases or images that really grabbed attention. - “Ever since, you said that my tennis shoes were cool” bland - “Part / Head start” they have the “art” rhyme, yes, but they don’t have the same stress pattern.
8thPrince Posted May 22, 2017 Posted May 22, 2017 I can't believe you paid money to change your name to Swish Swish
fountain Posted May 22, 2017 Author Posted May 22, 2017 4 minutes ago, Swish Swish said: control + f = "egregious" 0 matches cancelled I'm not letting you host next season until you change your name back
Cupid Posted May 22, 2017 Posted May 22, 2017 Oops I thought I labelled them, I hate sending pms on here cuz I can't press the enter button I got annoyed and gave up.
fountain Posted May 22, 2017 Author Posted May 22, 2017 26 minutes ago, Aciid said: Sent my scores it's supposed to be a secret that you're guest judging the covers
Temporal Posted May 22, 2017 Posted May 22, 2017 10 minutes ago, 8thPrince said: I can't believe you paid money to change your name to Swish Swish Same
UFO Posted May 22, 2017 Posted May 22, 2017 (edited) I'm feeling so inspired to write right now These past few HELLISH months have given me a lot of crazy material to work with tbh Edited May 22, 2017 by UFO
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