tournament Song of the Season 3 ? WINNER ANNOUNCED (pg. 137)

[Rence]

:shook:

[ughgabriel]

2 minutes ago, hurricane326 said:

When on earth does the second round start lol

When i get rankings + reviews from all judges 

[Prisoner]

 

 

This was a very strong round. There's not a single song that I dislike so I had a hard time ranking you all. Good job everyone! Please feel free to inquire me if I wasn't clear enough, or correct me if I misunderstood a lyric or anything. 

 

REVIEWS PT. I

 

posh spice - "Fen'harel"

Spoiler

 

I googled Fen'harel to see what it could be and found myself intrigued. So let us see what your entry is all about ?

 

I really like the concept here. This entry feels so rustic and mythical and also a bit mysterious which I love. I think you selected the setting well and developed it quite nice too. 

 

Your word choices for the verses are really good. I love the use of 'heart turning to stone', 'grove', 'shadow', 'meadow', etc. since they all really add to the mysterious fantasy vibe of this song. I love that all of the objects/concepts used in this song contribute to the imagery and were not random stuff unrelated to the theme. 

 

The bridge is definitely the standout for me. The wolf chasing the character through the woods, then the wolf catching up to the character and then asking said character to set them free makes a really good story. I really love the pacing of the narration here; how fast it is, and how this pacing also reflects the state of mind of the character. Then we go to the character reaching out to console the wolf's pain and then we switch to a slower vibe with the 'close eyes' repetition. This section is wonderfully done in my opinion.  (also did this character make love with the wolf in verse 2? :thing:)

 

This entry suffered from some drawbacks though. The phrase 'heads connected like bone' does not provide a good mental picture. Maybe this is related to 'Fen'harel', I don't know, but I feel like that line could've been phrased better. I also spoke about how I loved the mysteriousness of this entry but I think adding a little more detail would've helped a lot. I get that the feeling of being lost is supposed to be prevalent throughout the song but there's not enough context in there to make me actually care about this character. The chorus is also a bit underwhelming. I do love the repetition but it's basically just two lines and they don't really say anything much. 

 

Overall, I love the setting and vibe of this entry. The concept is one of the standouts of this round. The bridge is also a great moment. The song is a bit confusing however and some of the sections would have benefitted with added clarity. 

 

Favourite line(s):

"The wolf chases me through the trees,

My dress drags as I step on dead leaves,

My feet ache as I run for the running stream,

Corners me and falls at my feet, says “set me free,” "

 

 

Glassmouth - "remember?"

Spoiler

 

This entry is so personal and so delicate. There's so much pain and emotion behind your lyrics. Heartbreak sucks, I hope you're doing okay. 

 

I love the raw emotions you brought with this. It's just you spilling out your thoughts and feelings line after line and nothing else. There's a really intimate touch to this entry. It's very hard for me to write about feelings that are too real so I really admire people who can do that. 

 

The whole song is you asking that person if they "remember" and I like that you stuck with that concept without straying anywhere else. The 2nd verse is also quite good. These two lines: "remember the days when we danced alongside each other/ look into our souls and cried for one another" really stood out to me. I really felt that couplet. 

 

However there's a few you could improve on. While the entry does have some good moments like the verses, the 1st chorus on the other hand is too plainly stated and underdeveloped. This fails to bring out the exact feelings you're trying to convey to the reader. If you look at the two lines I mentioned above, they work and they're really good because you're adding something that was unique to you. This is not the case for the 1st chorus. You're asking this person to remember these things like 'the tears', 'the rage', 'the fury', etc. and without some added context, it was hard to feel the emotions you were trying to express. You could add more details in, like for instance, expanding on all those emotions in this chorus by adding some lines in the verses or maybe adding another verse. (I love the 2nd chorus though)

The chorus would also read much better if you added another 'remember the' right around the middle so that there can be some room for breathing while reading. 

 

Overall, I appreciate that you sent in an entry that is personal to you. There's room for improvement though, however, some of the standout lines here shows that you have the talent and creativity to come up with an exceptional song far better than you think you ever could. 

 

Favourite line(s):

"remember the days when we danced alongside each other

look into our souls and cried for one another"

 

 

hurricane326 - "The Journey"

Spoiler

 

I read your first entry before this and I really loved that one so when I saw that you had sent a new one, I was like bitch tf? But then I read this one and well… it's even better. Much much better tbh. I'm actually shook. Anyway let me get into the actual review. 

 

The opening is wonderfully done. You started with a 'dying dandelion in the wind' and that, I think, immediately sucks the reader right into the imagery. I love that this very first line sets up the whole mood and theme for the rest of the song. The feeling of being weak and fatigued is present throughout the song and this opening line really compacted that thought. Then the next few lines also really HIT with the dandelion not being able to separate from the earth. The yearning for freedom to just roam the skies but also knowing that it eventually will have to come back to earth is so well depicted. This first stanza is just wonderfully beautiful. 

 

I also love how the next two stanzas narrate these tragic scenes of toiling away without any sense of conscience. Unlike the first stanza, these are more grim in the sense that compared to the dandelion, these ants and bees do not possess the desire for freedom or any sense of thinking other than their biological duties. But it also made me think of what I would rather choose if I had to between the two. Would I be the dandelion wishing for freedom but knowing I'm still trapped in a cycle or would I rather be these ants and bees oblivious to the cycle I'm trapped in? I love how you presented these scenes which are still somewhat similar to the first one but also with a distinct difference. 

 

Then the 4th stanza took me like a storm (:eli:) especially due to the introduction of the first person narrative. The entry (at that point) led you to believe that this was a lyric narrated by an omniscient voice but this shift from the 3rd person to the 1st person immediately made it real and personal. It was this person who watched all these scenes happening and it was this person who did the personifying of the dandelion, the ants and the bees. The use of the phrase, 'state of disregard' in this stanza really depicts well the mentality of the narrator. The ending is also cleverly done with how it's showed that it was the narrator who was pausing his journey to observe the 'journey' of others.

 

I only have a few nitpicks. I feel like you could've used either one of the 2nd and 3rd stanza and strengthened that one rather than use the both of them since both have the same meaning/take away. Then you could have three exceptionally strong stanzas rather than the awesomeness of the middle part being split in two. (It's still really good either way. Just a thought.) I am also not too fond of the use of 'toiled' in the 2nd stanza. I think it would've read much more beautiful if used as an adjective instead of a noun. "Toiled souls" for instance sounds much better. And the last line in the 3rd stanza could've been "The search for more shall again commence" since that would feel more in sync with the language you're using. I think you did that to end all the stanzas with the word 'again' but you've already proved your point of 'again' by that line already so a little switch up wouldn't have hurt. 

 

Overall, I am in love with this entry. I love how you used all these different scenes to lay out a message. And please, if in case it looks like otherwise, know that the positives I have about this here far outweighs the negatives cause they do. I'm genuinely captivated by this. Well done. 

 

Favourite line(s):

"The dying dandelion in the wind

She cannot separate from him

She fragments, rides the current away

She wants no more but to stay

Yet she descends to Earth once more

For no matter her cries to the skies implored

She knows he will, but knows not when

He will catch hold of her again"

 

 

Ampersand13 - "Fake Love"

Spoiler

 

I'm glad that you sent a full actual song because while this is just a lyric writing competition, it's still nice to see entries from real musicians. And even though I think this is a bop, I'll have to judge your entry based on the lyrics alone since that's what we're focusing on here. (unrelated but i was screaming when you came out with an actual heart in the MV :jonny:)

 

I think it goes without saying that the meter and technique is perfect since this is already a legit bop as a song. You clearly know your way around the technical aspect. 

 

I love the IDGAF attitude you brought with this. I think the lyrics really capture the mood of the song. I love verse 2 especially due to the whole 'taking back myself' moment. I think it builds up nicely from the 1st verse. My absolute favourite part of the song though has to be "I'd rather sleep with happiness..." I don't really know why but that line really hit me. There's a hint of loneliness behind those words which makes for a really nice juxtaposition with the said line. 

 

There's a few issues however. The lyrics seem a bit too generic at parts. There's also a few cliches in here that could've been replaced by better phrases. I also feel like some of the lines are thrown in there randomly and so don't make much sense. (You don't need to have meaningful lyrics in actual pop songs, I know it's almost impossible to maintain good lyrics when words are set to a pop track.)

 

Overall, I like this song for the breakup anthem it is. The energy is everything we want in a pop song. However, I think this entry could really be elevated with stronger lyrics.

 

Favourite line(s):

"I'd rather sleep with happiness alone than spend another night by your bedpost"

 

 

Hug - "Rainbow of the Night"

Spoiler

 

Let me start by saying that this entry gives me huge KPOP vibes. It's just so vibrant, so bright, so colourful and so pleasant, I love it. And this very choice of aesthetic is wonderfully made cause the theme is quite literally the opposite of that. The contrast between the visuals and the theme adds a nice new layer to the song. 

 

I like the progression between the two verses. In the first verse/pre chorus, the narrator looks like they're unsure of themselves and is afraid of everything. This is perfectly followed up by the 'claim this moment' in the 2nd pre chorus which wouldn't have been strong on its own, but due to the 1st verse and pre chorus, became a powerful moment. I like that you took your time to gradually progress the narrative. 

 

The chorus is also really good. I can almost literally see the colours floating past by. I love 'stretch of road' here, it adds so much to the visual I can almost literally see headlights trailing. It's also really good just for the fact that this chorus could also stand on its own. You could have a different verse and still use this chorus and it would still have the same impact. I love the universality you brought with this.

 

The 2nd verse is the highlight of the song for me. It's so beautifully written and so excellent at that. I love every single thing about this. I don't have enough words to express just how much I love this section so I'll just say, you did that. 

 

I do think this song has some down moments though. I believe the first stanza could be much stronger. The metaphor in the 2nd line works for the narrative but doesn't in terms of imagery. You used this bright neon visual for the rest of the song so the 'hamster' feels kinda out of place. Maybe you could've gone with something like 'confusing traffic lights' or 'hazy roundabouts' or something like that. I think you get the idea. I also think the outro was a bit unnecessary. It's still good, really, but it doesn't add anything more to the song. I feel like what you're trying to express in the outro has already been done in pre chorus 2. Maybe the outro did add a little bit more clarity to the resolution and maybe just the first stanza of the outro could work but the 'ending' was already implied in the aforementioned pre chorus so I don't think it was really needed. 

 

Overall I love the visuals you used for this song and how it complements the theme you're going for. It reads like an actual POP song and I can almost hear the synths and bass drops and the colours and everything.

 

Favourite line(s):

"And if it rains, that’s fine with me

I’ll just tap along my wheel to its steady beat

Rain drips down slowly, I’ll go slower still

I won’t gasp for air, I’ll walk over the hill"

 

 

8th Prince - "Dashing Penguin"

Spoiler

 

Yes! Go Mr. Penguin! This entry is so cute and heartwarming, I am absolutely in love with this. This is one of the most engaging SOTS entries I've ever read. 

 

Verse 1 is executed amazingly. The setting up of this penguin character by contrasting him to the fast and dangerous beasts of the jungle was a perfect start. It gave me this picture of a stubby penguin trying his best to match his superiors. There's so much to love here. 

 

The chorus is just wonderful. It's just so motivational while also having multiple layers of emotions in it. Your word choices were amazing, they were all very consistent with the penguin imagery. I think this exact chorus worked so well because of your use of the 2nd person narrative. The choice of writing this song in the 2nd person was simply brilliant. I certainly believe the lines would not have the same impact if they were written in the 1st person. 

 

My absolute favourite section however has to be the 2nd pre chorus. It has the emotions and perfect imagery all packed in four lines. It is also the defining moment of the song for me since it was then that the penguin finally learnt the truth about his real place in the world. This is the part, if this were a movie, when the audience would be tearing up. Well done. 

 

The outro is the perfect conclusion to this entry. The rhyming choices were perfect, the imagery was perfect and the ending was perfect. I love this section almost as much as the 2nd pre chorus. 

 

I don't really find any major problems with this. If I have to say something however, I'd say that I don't really get why it has to be "plus four years' time" in the 1st pre chorus. There's obviously a context to this so it might have been nice to add or hint on that. I also feel like the bridge could be handled better. The 2nd verse correlated to the 1st verse and the bridge was building up on the 2nd, so I think this section could have benefited more if treated like a verse instead of a bridge. It also got a bit too dark for my taste. (I'm just finding things to criticise here sksks, there's almost really none.)

 

Overall, I think this is the perfect intro of you to me as a writer. You showed skill, creativity and talent I didn't think I'd see in the very first round. Sure, there's one or two things in here I'd have liked different but this is just so engaging and wholesome and emotional that I can't help but stan. 

 

Favourite line(s):

"I can’t even picture how much you futilely cried

When you jumped and learned for the very first time

Not all of the creatures who walk the Earth

Can make a home out the sky"

 

and

 

"You might think that you just go unnoticed:

But I spotted you slashing through the aquamarine

Go! Take flight, my dashing penguin!

You’re the fastest that I’ve ever seen"

 

 

firecrotch - "high line"

Spoiler

 

I've dealt with similar issues before, so this entry really means a lot to me. I appreciate you turning those experiences into lyrics, I know how hard it is to write about stuff that are too real. 

 

Starting with the opening, I think this is quite catchy. I like that it immediately helped me slide into the song without having to try. 

 

Onto the verses, I think they're quite good. I love the narration here. The building up of the story between the two verses is nicely done. The way you alluded to how you'll lose recognition of 'that man' in verse 2 by mentioning their lost smiles in verse 1 was so good. It really made the progression natural and also greatly strengthened the 2nd verse. I love the connections you placed between these two verses. 

 

My favourite parts of the song are definitely the chorus and the bridge. I love the switch up from the verses to the chorus and the bridge. The way you used the longer lines in the verses to narrate this story and then shortening the lines in the chorus and bridge was really effective. Using these longer lines to build up a story and then getting the point across with these shorter lines was a really good choice. The bridge is very blunt and simple but also very true which makes it quite effective. I love how these two sections perfectly depicts a side of the whole 'high' experience. 

 

There's a few nitpicks I have with this. Some of the lines, like for instance, the 5th line of verse one felt a bit clunky. The rhyming of 'At' and 'that' also feels forced. There's also other issues I have like phrasing but most of these are minor. I also think the entry would benefit a lot with a bit more polish. 

 

Overall, I love the realness of this entry. And while I don't think this is a bad entry at all, I also believe this could be a lot better and some of the amazing lines here shows that. 

 

Favourite line(s):

"little limelight on the high line

try hard it could last this time"

 

 

OreGuy - "Art Capital"

Spoiler

 

Yes come through, ARTPOP entry! I don't know if this was your aim but I'm getting some bjork meets artpop vibe with this song. (I'm literally listening to Jewels and Drugs as I write this shhh)

 

The verses are the best part of the song for me. The AABCCB rhyming pattern was beautifully done. It was particularly nice to read these two sections. The lines all feel so natural and they all flow so well. I love how you create these brief scenes with as little words as possible. 

 

The chorus is also quite good. I love the simplicity here. I also love this part mainly for its use of 'let's' since it actually feels like you're inviting me, the reader, to your 'art capital'. These two lines: "they can only stare, you'll have the rights / there's nothing to fear, let's make art tonight" at the end of the bridge was also a defining moment. I love how they perfectly encapsulated the vibe of the song. 

 

However there's a few things this entry could improve on. While I do like the minimalism you served with this, I feel like a bigger part of the story was sacrificed for the sake of aesthetic. Like if we look at the bridge, you have all these lines which doesn't really build up upon one another. You start by describing this 'carved out marbles' which had the potential to be the start of a great bridge but then you threw in lines about 'midnight glory' and being their 'territory', and that made the bridge go in a confusing direction. Besides that, the pre chorus could've also benefited from a tighter meter. That post chorus in the end was also not needed. It didn't add anything more than what we already have in the chorus. I think it could be a really great outro if this were sung and not just lyrics. But in this case, the chorus would've been the best way to finish your song and would've felt more consistent with the writing style you used here. 

 

Overall, I like the artistic approach you brought with this (both stylistically and conceptually). I believe however that this entry could be a lot better with a bit more polish and a tighter meter (which is especially important when the lines are as brief as we have here.) The entry itself is not bad at all and I believe it has the potential to be a really great song with some refining. 

 

Favourite line(s):

"home grown, homemade

little steps to regenerate

call me mister wonder"

 

 

TROPICUM - "Cycle In Repeat"

Spoiler

 

Okay here's an actual dark bop. This entry is quite different from the other entries so far. I love the diversity you brought with this. 

 

I like how the intro immediately sets the mood for the song. I love the line "my mouth is spewing blood and foam" so much. I don't really know why but it's just so dark and gothic, I just love it. I'm a big fan of bloody imagery and that line just works. It really helped set the mood. 

 

I think the chorus is pretty amazing. I love how it really depicts the feeling of being stuck in this cycle of unnatural love yet still loving every moment of it. I also love how your song 'replays' in the background while you're relieving these memories. It makes the scene so much more real. This section is the standout of the song for me. 

 

I especially love the creepiness and sad vibe of this song. It reminds me of Radiohead's 'Creep' a bit, which I think is a really amazing song, but with a twist here. It's a really nice touch. The bridge especially is really great at this portraying this specific vibe. 

 

I have a few issues with this entry however. I said I loved the intro for how well it sets the mood for the song. But some of the lines here were a bit awkward. 'My mouth is spewing blood and foam' is a really nice line but I don't really know how well it works as a metaphor (I assume this line isn't meant to be literal.) And 'Your feet were standing on my porch' could've been 'You had your feet on my porch', or 'You were standing here on my porch' since it's always the case that we stand on our feet so you didn't need to specify that. The verses could also benefit from added clarity. I don't really get how some of the lines contribute to the narrative. Some of these feel like random imagery without any real substance within. 

 

Overall, I love the dark emo vibe you brought with this. I do think the song has a few drawbacks but it actually gets better upon each re read so it has the potential to age well. 

 

Favourite line(s):

"Sad to inform

The cycle is in repeat,

My heart skips a beat 

And I sing my love away

Reliving our memories

With our song in replay"

 

 

luckystrike - "New Year's Eve"

Spoiler

 

I'll begin by saying that I really love the personal diary-like entry you brought with this. The use of a specific event, like 'New Year's Eve' always helps make songs special. 

 

I love how you talked about living pictures in the 1st stanza of the 1st verse. Photographs are always great literary devices since they can say so much. I think you managed this scene really well. Those memories are moments in the past but the use of pictures really hit the point of the memories still lingering in the present. 

 

The chorus is also really nice with a perfect balance between the storytelling and the expression of feelings. The 2nd section of the chorus is the standout of the song for me. It references the past while "sitting on the couch" in the present. It makes for a really beautiful and emotional scene. I think the repetition is also nicely done. I love that this part exists to summarise the sentiment of the song and is not just there for repetition's sake. 

 

I believe there's some flaws in here though. The line 'Suddenly, out of nowhere you’re still roaming on my mind' was awkwardly phrased. The action was supposed to be 'sudden' and 'out of nowhere' so it'd have worked better if you went like, ''Suddenly, out of nowhere, you're back to roaming my mind" or something along those lines  I also feel like you could've gone with a different bridge. The lines here all build up to express the exact same sentiment you had in the chorus so a tiny twist or something unexpected here would've helped a lot. 

 

Overall, I think this is a really good entry with a nice balance between the emotions and the story. There's some phrasing in here that could've gone better but I think this is still a good song as is. 

 

Favourite line(s):

"What we shared was the best thing I could’ve had

Now I’m sitting on the couch in New Year’s Eve

I still miss you and I wish you would be here"

 

 

funnellegs - "That Day In June"

Spoiler

 

I think we have a lot of personal songs this round and I love it since they always have something to say about someone's essence as a writer. 

 

It's very hard to write about serious issues so I thank you for opening up to us. 

 

This entry is very dark and heartbreaking. I won't get into the details like I do for the other song so I'll just talk about technical stuff and the overall take away I get from this. 

 

I think this entry perfectly describes the events you're narrating. This song shows me that you're a master at narration. I can sense a part of the pain by just reading your words alone. The 2nd verse particularly was the best part at this. The flow of the song is also very natural. 

 

I don't really have much negatives to say about this. There's a few nitpicks I have here like word choices but with an entry as delicate as this, I think the flaws actually help the entry rather than bring it down. I'm not even kidding here. The imperfections are what made this song even more perfect. Sorry if that sounded a bit pretentious but I genuinely believe the tiny flaws this entry has has helped elevate it even more than it'd be without them.

 

Overall, I thank you for submitting this entry and sharing the experience that you had. It's so hard to actually come up with a good song when the emotions are too intense and too complex but you did and the song was more than amazing so I commend you on that. Great great work.

 

Favourite line(s):

The entire chorus and the 2nd verse. 

 

 

 

REVIEWS PT. II

 

Julien - "Unpretty Little Liar"

Spoiler

 

Whew at this diss entry!  This round is really serving diversity and I love it. That title really intrigues me so let's get into the song. 

 

I really like how the song immediately starts off with the vengeful tone. I'll be honest and say I don't feel like the first verse is as strong as the second, but I still like it for how well it sets the mood for the entire song. 

 

So we get into the chorus and the line about them being a 'plastic saint' immediately stands out. I know from your description that this entry isn't about fake celebs who sell their fake products scamming millions of people in the process. But the 'Luring me into believing whatever you had to utter/Have you had no shame/Playing this worthless game/Tryin' too hard to be relevant' from the first verse and the plastic line in the chorus immediately made me think of certain people, let's just say. I love how you write the song in such a way that I can interpret it way different than how you intended it to be and still have it make sense. 

 

I also love the dark vibe you gave to this song. The 'black goat' in the pre chorus, the devil imagery, the blood and the 'thousand years in hell' in the 2nd verse, everything follows a theme and I appreciate that. 

 

The bridge is the best part of the song for me. I'll say it starts out pretty weak but everything from 'when shameless and liar…' is just fantastic. Every single thing here flows so well. Every line builds up upon one another and even gets better and better with each line. I also love how you gave the context for the dark imagery you used in the earlier sections by comparing that person to a devil. 

 

That being said, I have a few things to criticise. The 'newcomer' doesn't make much sense. Why are you a newcomer? Is that meant to signify the start of your relationship or entirely something else? I also feel like it gets a little too over the top at certain parts. Like the 'I'm coming for raw ass blood' in the bridge is a little too vengeful for my taste. Besides these, it'd be things like the meter which was a bit off at some parts but these are minor issues for me. 

 

Overall, I like the dark vengeful vibe you brought with this, even if it might get a little too vengeful at parts. And some of the lines in this entry are pure bliss like those I listed below. 

 

Favourite line(s):

"When shameless and liar have a meet and greet

Every of your lies is a masterpiece

in the Hall of Shame, on the devil's lips

This diss will be a masterpiece

A masterpiece the world will notice

Shrines of lies, the rituals all wack"

 

 

Aurora - "Signs"

Spoiler

 

I'll begin by saying that you have one of the most beautiful and refined writing-style out of anyone in this game. The song here is really the work of someone who knows their way around lyrics so things like meter, rhyming and other technical stuff are flawless. I also love how this reads like an actual soft ballad. 

 

Verse one and two is full of internal rhymes which I love. We have a long verse here and the use of internal rhyming made the lines flow so well. I also love how the rhyming and word choices here are not just linear but adjacent, if that makes sense sksks. Let me bring up these two lines for example:

"I wish I’d changed direction and deflected holy plans

No hymn to indicate we’d intersect each other's path"

The way you used your words so that 'direction' and 'deflected' would work together as well as 'direction' and 'indicate', 'deflected' and 'intersect', I believe every single one of these is intentional and I'm just mind blown! Like we have a narration here that flows just so beautiful and amazing but the fact that you also took the time to put in these details where no single word feels forced is just masterful. The line about you ricocheting your words is also a really really beautiful concept. 

 

The pre-chorus and chorus aren't as detailed as the verses are but I think that's okay. With just how beautiful (how many times have I used this word already? :skull:) and awestruck the verses are, I think toning it down for the pre-chorus and chorus was a good choice. It helps summarise what the song is trying to say because it was very easy to get distracted by the beautiful lines and imagery in the verses. 

 

And I didn't think you were gonna top the verses in the bridge but you did. I'm stunned. I'm including this in my favourite lines section below but the lines 'It’s hard to know the scope of horror I’m still yet to face / When balancing a maiden’s heart against the art of grace / Too eager or too easy and our fate will be erased" is one of the most beautiful writing I've ever read, in song lyrics, poetry or anything that involves writing. 

 

As for the criticisms, I don't think I have any huge problem with this. If I had to say something though, I'll say that the pre chorus is a little bit weak compared to the rest. And I think some of the lines here feel like they're just there for the sake of fluff and imagery, but that's it. 

 

Overall, I'm impressed by your writing style and the way you made every single word count. I'm absolutely captivated by this and thankful that I get to read this beautiful entry. 

 

Favourite line(s):

"It’s hard to know the scope of horror I’m still yet to face

When balancing a maiden’s heart against the art of grace

Too eager or too easy and our fate will be erased"

 

 

Rence - "video games"

Spoiler

 

I hate to include myself in this review, but this entry reminds me of my best friend who I used to play the NES with when we were kids. He died when he was thirteen so those are some of the only real memories I have of him. I know this entry isn't about a best friend but I ended up relating to this so much and so, thank you. 

 

Onto the review, I think the first verse starts out really great. Mentioning how the mother took pictures of that moment makes a really good scene. It helps solidify the moment and helps create this setting where I imagine every bit of this scene as photos from a photo album. It's just wonderful work. 

 

The chorus is quite short compared to the verses but I still like it. I think the best part of this section is the line, 'now memories are collecting dust, my friend.' That really HITS because of how you talked about the mother taking pictures in verse one. The line would've worked either way but now I'm imagining dust collecting on those photographs and getting faded, and that is just a really really nice mental picture. This tells me that you didn't select your words just for the sake of saying something but for a well thought out song where every single word and line adds to the story. 

 

We go to the present time in the second verse, and I wasn't a fan of that at first since I really liked the sweet innocence vibe in verse one. But upon further re-reading and a bit more, I get why it had to be done. It adds context to why you're longing for those memories. And we get to the 'old memories are beginning to fade' and I love how this doesn't just exist to represent the passage of time, but also to strengthen the 'every passing day has drained a part of my youth' line in the last stanza of this section. I think this last stanza of this section is particularly strong. 

 

And the bridge… those pictures coming back to connect every part of the song together, it's just wonderfully done. I am stunned. I imagine you having to dust off the photos before sending them and that is such a beautiful scene and such masterful storytelling.  You didn't even have to write that you're dusting the photos, you only needed to talk about how you're sending the letter and photos and so the dusting scene was implied because of how you were already building that in the background by referencing the photos, directly or indirectly, once in a while. The final chorus was also nice with it being the letter that you were sending. 

 

Onto what I believe are things that could improve this entry, I have just one. The first two lines of the 2nd stanza could benefit from some added details. Like yes you're playing games and having fun but I needed more here. You mentioned 'catching monsters, clearing dungeons and slaying dragons' and I feel like you should've gone with one of these and built on that cause the scene here went a bit too fast with all the different games being mentioned in a single line. 

 

Overall, I think this entry was very engaging and I was immersed throughout most of the song. I'm really impressed at your use of tiny details and how you used that to elevate the song to next levels. 

 

Favourite line(s):

"if I could choose my battles I’d fight them all with you

but the adventures are over, all I can do is lose

so I send you this letter of my lingering hopes and dreams

and pictures taken by our mother on the house we used to live in"

 

 

dweebz - "PHOENIX"

Spoiler

 

Thanks for including that instrumental. If you (or anyone else) want to keep doing this, you're very welcome. I can't promise that the other judges will listen to the tracks since we're just judging lyrics, but I'll always try to listen to them since it helps me get into the mood. Anyway, let's get into the actual review. 

 

I love the opening. I love how you directly get into point with that statement. You can circle over and over trying to express a feeling but directly getting into that feeling can work very well instead. I love the verses for this exact reason, they are all direct statements of feelings, and that has made them quite intimate in a way. I generally prefer a 'show, don't tell' approach to narration but the verses here work since the chorus is written in a different way and so helps create a dynamic. 

 

Speaking of which, I believe the chorus is the best part of your entry. It's so very simple and short but the imagery is just beautiful. I especially love the mention of the night here since it represents the darkness that you and your people are in. This makes for a really good chorus which otherwise would've felt generic. The phoenix alone wouldn't have done the job, phoenixes represent an everlasting hope and has always been used as a symbol for power, but the mention of the night here helps make the phoenix comparison shine well. 

 

I do think there are some parts that need improvement though. The shift between the verses and the chorus is too sudden. We have a 'zero to hero' moment here without the part where they work to be the hero. The progression would've felt nicer if you went with the 'Yes I'll rise like a phoenix' you used in the later choruses by using that in all of them instead. Or you could've added a section before the chorus to smooth out the transition. Apart from this, I wished you went deeper in the bridge. I think this is the part that connects the verses with the bridge and it's just too short here to fully satisfy me. I believe this section would be better if used as a pre chorus and we get a whole different bridge that speaks about how the rise came to be. 

 

Overall, I believe this is quite a solid entry with a nice use of the phoenix comparison. I think it can be a lot better however. It's not a bad entry at all, but a bit more refining here would take this entry from good to amazing. 

 

Favourite line(s):

"But, I rise just like a phoenix

Soaring through the open sky

Watch my colors as i go by

Through the night sky"

 

 

Overprotected - "Companion"

Spoiler

 

This entry is everything I want to read that I didn't know I wanted to. Why did this read like it is my brain doing the talking and not words out of a screen? I- 

 

I know this is probably not your intention but I love how this entry reads like it could be a monologue before a music video or something in an anime where an emotional moment would happen and the scene would freeze with a character having an internal monologue while the background music plays asjsjkl. Anyway onto the actual review. 

 

I'll begin by saying that I love how every line feels so conversational and intimate. They all read like you came into my heart and then say these words out. Verse one starts really great. I like how you speak about your 'comfort zone' and how you think it's the best place for you to stay. It feels so personal and real. Also I love that you did not go with a chorus in this entry, it really adds a layer to the song by how it's you doing what you want to and not what is the norm. 

 

The second verse is my absolute favourite section of the song. The use of a ticking clock to represent the coming of death obviously isn't a novel idea but the way you make that into how it's 'not too loud' so you 'won't mind' really turned it golden. The use of songs as a literary device in the immediate line really strengthened this line.  Like yes we're playing these songs and immersing ourselves in 'music' so as to silence out the loud ticking ringing in our heads. This section is just wonderful. 

 

Verse three and four isn't as strong as the first two but they're still really nice. I love the tiny change in tone here. It adds a little bit to the dynamic which is very necessary in this case since there's no chorus or bridge. The line 'Let the hours  go by and please wait by my side' is the highlight of these two sections. It subtly references the 'clock' from verse two making the point of the song more apparent and also creates a really beautiful imagery. 

 

The outro is the perfect finish to this song. It feels so full of hope but there's also a sense of uncertainty hidden between the lines. The first two lines here did a really great job at that. 

 

I don't have much negative things to say to you besides maybe that the song feels a bit short? Obviously, short songs can work but the song we have here is one that needs more lines to really help reach its full potential. There's also the issue of forced rhyming here and there but that's a minor issue. 

 

Overall, I find myself absolutely relating to this so much that I thank you. It's a simple, beautiful and also a bit melancholic piece of art and I love it. 

 

Favourite line(s):

"The clock may tick but not too loud so I won’t mind

And each song keeps telling me things will be just fine"

 

 

selena_lavigne - "Love Yourself First"

Spoiler

 

Thank you for sending the actual song too, I really appreciate that. But I- This isn't what I expected when I read your title. At all. So…

 

I'll begin by saying that I really love how this song starts off so normal in the 1st verse but then immediately went the way it did in the chorus. I choked when I first read that. I also think the pre chorus nicely transitions these two sections. 

 

Verse two is also really amazing just for how wild and nonsensical it is. The way you realized that there's no need to be sad by watching ducks eating minnows was so random but makes a really funny scene. I'm gagged. Definitely the highlight of the song for me. And that f bomb in the last line took me out. 

 

The bridge is the best section of the song for me. I didn't think you were gonna top the craziness of verse 2 and the chorus again but you proved me wrong by coming up with the most crazy ass of a bridge. This part is just wonderful. I love every single thing about this section. Could I go into detail? Yes. But I won't cause I just love it. You did that. And that outro was also pretty crazy. 

 

I don't have much else to say to you, just maybe that the first verse could've been as nonsensical as the second and so the song would've felt more consistent. Besides that, I think you could've also included a less obvious humour somewhere in here instead of just relying on the shock value so that you'll have a song that doesn't get old after the first few reads. 

 

Overall, I'm impressed by your ability to create this comedic entry and keeping me shocked throughout line after line after line. Good job. 

 

Favourite line(s):

"I went down to the river and watched the ducks catch minnows 

And it made me realize that there's no need to be so sad"

 

 

Gay Rat Divorce - "Asteroid"

Spoiler

 

Asteroid is the perfect title for this, let me just say. I love that this song isn't just space related for the sake of aesthetic but for how it actually has elements of science fiction and so reads like an actual story too instead of just as a metaphor. 

 

This starts out on a really high note. The lines here create this really nice and simple imagery. It was pleasant to imagine an asteroid orbiting a celestial object but having to eventually leave orbit due to it not being a satellite. Then it flinging straight ahead into the dark of space, whew, you're a ****ing comet!  

 

Then I read the chorus and it is the best part of the song, at least for me. The imagery of the asteroid here descending into the far unknown parts of the universe where stars are not even visible is just so beautiful. I love how this chorus works both in the literal and in the metaphorical sense. And then the last two lines about how there's beauty waiting so you can't slow down is just I'm also a huge fan of how you mentioned being too far from the reaches of gravity here. I didn't feel like you mentioned this 'gravity' to represent just any gravity but the 'gravity' of a specific celestial object. I was impressed when you confirmed my thoughts in the outro later. The way you carefully chose the terms you used here is just genius. 

 

The outro is also quite good. I specifically love the line 'I just hope that someday maybe you could name a comet after me' since it builds upon what we have in verse one. That's one of the highlights of the song for me. 

 

I don't have any real negatives tbh but there's some nitpicks/things that confuse me a bit. Firstly, I don't like the use of 'Saturn's rings' and 'garden' here. Yes, Saturn's rings are beautiful and I feel like the 'garden' is supposed to represent your orbit but they don't really work together in terms of imagery. Firstly, it's hard to picture Saturn's rings just lying in a garden. Or if the garden is supposed to represent your orbit, you could've just said orbit since the word 'garden' is a thing of earth and you've never actually been 'intimate' with earth by how you mentioned it as just the 'third rock from the sun'. Besides this, the last line with you still being in the same galaxy was a bit confusing to me. I don't really think there's places in the galaxy where stars/light are not visible. Sure there's celestial objects and asteroids too isolated within a galaxy that they don't reflect any light but a place where no stars are visible in the sky? (correct me if I'm wrong It's not really a flaw btw, and I’m not marking you down for this but just something I’m not sure of)

 

Overall, I'm really pleased with this semi sci-fi entry you came up with. I was expecting a generic space entry with that title but you surprised me a lot. And while I don't dislike the 2nd half of this song, I believe the first half of this is one of the best things I've read this year so well done. 

 

Favourite line(s):

"Now I’m far from the reaches of gravity

There’s only asteroids looking back at me

But I’ve grown accustomed to living without light

When not a single star remains in sight

For there’s beauty that waits beyond my reach

So I know I can’t lose velocity"

 

 

Dessy - "Till the Violin Plays"

Spoiler

 

The title here is beautiful. I don't know what to expect but I'm guessing I'll love it. Let's see if I guess right. 

 

I'll start by saying I love how camp this entry is. It's all sorts of fun and crazy (both lyrically and plot wise). I love how this reads like a fun chick flick that we all love. You really brought the movies this round. 

 

The intro and the verses set up the story very well. Mentioning 'movie' in the intro was a great idea cause this song really reads like a movie. The 2nd verse is my favourite of the two verses. The first two lines of this verse really flowed well with the '...brought a rod / or a rob…' The narration is also nicely done. I love how it's easy to imagine the scenes without much thinking which is what all fun movies are. I don't have much else to say about these sections other than that I love it. 

 

The bridge is the best part of this entry. It's so funny and concise but that's why it works. The comedic timing is perfect. The way I giggled when I read the last line. I'm sorry if this was meant to be a sad song but I find myself giggling at certain parts and I'm 95% sure you meant this to be funny so I'll just pretend it is. 

 

The ending is also really great. It made me feel sad for the guy but it was the perfect ending to a very wild story and I love it for that. 'Sat here reading my psalms' was the final dramatic touch the story needs. 

 

The only criticisms I have are of the chorus and some rhyming choices. Firstly, the chorus is a bit underdeveloped. I also don't like the use of the words 'sin' and 'yin' here. I think I know what they represent but these are not words that feel like they belong in the story you're narrating. Besides these, the rhyming of 'green' and 'scene' in verse one felt very forced. There's also the issue of refining but with an entry as carefree as this, I don't think that's too important. 

 

Overall, I think this is one of the most engaging entries this round and I love how you decided to have a movie like approach with this. I believe this could be a lot stronger with a better developed chorus but it's still good as is. 

 

Favourite line(s):

"Now i thought I finally met "The One"

With his jocky punk self I thought I won

The wedding bells in my head had already rung

Then he ghosted and ran off with his One"

 

 

Lucky#17 - "Different Angles"

Spoiler

 

I love the philosophical nature of this song. I've said this before but the entries this round are just so diverse I'm glad to witness all these different sides of writing. And your entry was another fresh perspective. 

 

I'll start by saying that I think this is a song that gets better upon each read. The introspective nature of the song will also make sure that it never gets old. There's a very timeless quality to this entry. 

 

The first verse helps set the tone well with how you mentioned 'society', 'community', and 'company' since the entire song is about the different angles of the people you meet. I also love how you mentioned 'curiosity' not once, but twice, first in verse one and then second in verse two. They perfectly help transition the verses into the chorus. The second verse is also nicely done with the actual scene of the narrator. It definitely made the song even more personal. 

 

I love the questioning style used in both the pre chorus. This really made the song feel a lot deeper and philosophical. Using these different ideas like 'is a boy longing for a brother?' and '...did his ball roll into the river?' to highlight the curiosity that you mentioned was well done. The final lines here 'There's far too much to uncover' and 'There's far too much expression' really spoke to me. I think ending the questioning made before with these final statements was a really great choice. The bridge was also just two lines but I think it's really effective. 

 

The chorus is the best part of the song for me. This feels very natural and feels very consistent with the theme of the song. I love how this isn't that drastically different from the verses in terms of concept but is actually a product of a very natural progression from the verses. This way, you were able to create a song that shines as a whole but also have sections that are able to shine on their own. 

 

I think my only criticism is the 'Different angles' hook. I feel like maybe you could've given us actual different angles and words instead of just repeating that line six times and so we could’ve something that felt more dynamic, but that's it. 

 

Overall, I'm in love and impressed with the consistent quality you served with this. There's not a single line that felt out of place, you did a really great job with this. 

 

Favourite line(s):

"Outgrowing introversion, I’m seeking relation

Everywhere in every single stranger (stranger)

From the second they’re in sight, I begin to analyze

Faces from different angles (angles)"

 

 

Temporal - "D"

Spoiler

 

I wish I could give you the review I want to but I'm having the worst headache and the reviews are delayed as is so I'll just give you a summarised version of my thoughts. I'm really sorry for this. 

 

The first stanza of verse one starts out with a really nice imagery. I immediately felt engaged. Then the greatness really starts with the next two stanzas. This part is so relatable and the words and phrases used are just great like 'crowd', 'discernment', 'fistful of dirt', I can't think of better words myself to describe the feeling presented here. The line 'As the sky and the ground neither want custody' almost made me tear up. The feeling of not being wanted by God nor man is really laid out here. The use of the word 'custody' also really added the emotional impact. It's like a child being rejected by her two parents and that line just really broke me. 

 

The pre chorus is also a really nice section itself. But the greatness really continues with the chorus. I love the sarcastic tone found here in some of the lines. I think that really shows the progress of the narration with how the styles change from stanza one to this chorus. The continued use of the dirt imagery here is also really nice. (This was the part where I realised that the D is about dirt. I thought you just chose a random word for your title nnn.)

 

There's so many highlights here but the one which stood out to me the most was the final chorus. The way you build up this entry on and on and then to have that as the last punch? It was definitely worth it reading your entry. It's hard to make long entries work but when you have such a strong finish like you have here, it is almost always guaranteed to work. 

 

As for my criticisms, firstly I think the pre choruses could be a bit shorter. If we look at the first pre-chorus for instance, we have some lines that are just basically restatings of those of the first verse. It's not that they're bad lines themselves, but this could've been a chance to add something new and so keep the dynamic going. Besides that, I feel like verse two and pre-chorus two felt very underwhelming compared to the rest of the song. Again, these are not bad sections themselves, but for how great the first sections are and how long the song is, these sections feel like a chore to read through. 

 

Overall, I'm really impressed at your ability to come up with a very long entry while managing to keep it very engaging. Every section here is well thought out and the imagery used is one of the most effective of the round. 

 

Favourite line(s):

"Tell me about your ascension, did they glare?

Another person with me up in the air

How did you end up here, are you like me?

Chasing a vision of which only you see

The people from under can not comprehend

That there’s another one who too can ascend

Of all their feelings which they choose to exert

Standing below us with their fistfuls of dirt"

 

 

@?????? @Aurora @Rence @dweebz @Overprotected @selena_lavigne @Dessy @Lucky#17 @Temporal @Gay Rat Divorce

Edited September 2, 2020 by Prisoner

[Prisoner]

15 hours ago, ughgabriel said:

 

Huh... Have you noticed the moon has been acting weird lately?

I wonder what does that mean...

 

 

?????????

it means youre high

[Overprotected]

Thank you omg

 

[Dessy]

Thank for the crits

[Aurora]

I was going to wait until all of my reviews were in before posting a reply, but results will probably be coming soon(?) and I wanted to post before then!

 

***

 

Firstly, thanks to the judges for being so thorough with your reviews; it's well worth the wait and is appreciated. Especially in the early rounds!

 

@ughgabriel I'm glad you liked the song and found it relatable, that's something I think(?) I've been critiqued on in the past (having elevated language to the point where it feels detached) so that's nice to hear. As far as the chorus goes, I honestly agree. I did have an extended chorus which I ended up scrapping, but it was more of the same, so that probably wouldn't have been much better, but I probably should have reworked it rather than just cutting it down. Thanks!

 

@Auburn Yay, I did have a strong melody in mind for this one, so pleased to know you thought it read like a real song. I was pretty happy with the prechorus too and the way it stops short and leads into the chorus... that said, you echoed Gabe's comments about the chorus, I'm seeing a pattern.  It's a fair critique and I'll try to make my future choruses more interesting and less reliant on motifs. Glad you enjoyed it overall!

 

@Prisoner I wasn't expecting this kind of acclaim tbh, so thank you, really!  The internal rhymes and placement was definitely intentional, it took a bit of reworking to get it to sound good, flow naturally, and still make sense within the context of the song, but that's all part of the fun of writing, right? I definitely wanted to make the verses (and bridge... I just love a good bridge!) the focus, but that shouldn't come at the cost of the chorus being weaker by comparison, so I'll definitely try not to do that again. It's interesting to know you found the prechorus the weakest, while it was Auburn's highlight. Differing opinions are good, though, nothing wrong with that!

 

***

 

Thanks for the overall positive reviews, the main thing I'll take from these moving forward is to ensure all sections of the song are up to par with one another, while still being able to highlight certain sections in their own way. Looking forward to experimenting!

[8thPrince]

@Auburn thank you for the critique! I'll work on tightening up meter even more

[Aurora]

Just now, Aurora said:

I was going to wait until all of my reviews were in before posting a reply, but results will probably be coming soon(?) and I wanted to post before then!

 

***

 

Firstly, thanks to the judges for being so thorough with your reviews; it's well worth the wait and is appreciated. Especially in the early rounds!

 

@ughgabriel I'm glad you liked the song and found it relatable, that's something I think(?) I've been critiqued on in the past (having elevated language to the point where it feels detached) so that's nice to hear. As far as the chorus goes, I honestly agree. I did have an extended chorus which I ended up scrapping, but it was more of the same, so that probably wouldn't have been much better, but I probably should have reworked it rather than just cutting it down. Thanks!

 

@Auburn Yay, I did have a strong melody in mind for this one, so pleased to know you thought it read like a real song. I was pretty happy with the prechorus too and the way it stops short and leads into the chorus... that said, you echoed Gabe's comments about the chorus, I'm seeing a pattern.  It's a fair critique and I'll try to make my future choruses more interesting and less reliant on motifs. Glad you enjoyed it overall!

 

@Prisoner I wasn't expecting this kind of acclaim tbh, so thank you, really!  The internal rhymes and placement was definitely intentional, it took a bit of reworking to get it to sound good, flow naturally, and still make sense within the context of the song, but that's all part of the fun of writing, right? I definitely wanted to make the verses (and bridge... I just love a good bridge!) the focus, but that shouldn't come at the cost of the chorus being weaker by comparison, so I'll definitely try not to do that again. It's interesting to know you found the prechorus the weakest, while it was Auburn's highlight. Differing opinions are good, though, nothing wrong with that!

 

***

 

Thanks for the overall positive reviews, the main thing I'll take from these moving forward is to ensure all sections of the song are up to par with one another, while still being able to highlight certain sections in their own way. Looking forward to experimenting!

Not @8thPrince and I posting at the same time and next paging me.

[Courtney Love]

 

Reviews Part II. 

@funnellegs - That Day in June

Spoiler

I think it’s brilliant that for the first challenge, a challenge about trying to introduce the type of writer you are, you decided to really go there with something extremely personal. It comes across as if you really care about your writing and your songs.

It’s just so honest what you wrote and I really like it. I was going to critique some of the rhymes for being a bit forced, but I think those work here. It feels like a stylistic choice. Like you’re trying to provide a buffer to the reader so we’re not thrown in the deep end at every moment. The words I’m talking about are: Face/Grace/ Replace/ Trace. I might be thinking too much into it, but it comes across as brilliant to me so I don’t know if you did it one purpose but that’s the interpretation I’m getting.

I think doing this topic can be super tough because it can either be way too raw where the reader doesn’t get the feelings you want, or it becomes too mechanical where there’s not enough emotion in it. You definitely found the balance and it reads extremely well as a reflection piece.

There’s not much really to critique because it comes across as a brilliantly done entry and I would only be nitpicking. If I was to nitpick, I would just ask to pick some more interesting words to describe things that can add some obvious stylistic choice i.e. is it realism, surrealism etc. Great job and I can’t wait to see what else you do. Really powerful and exceptionally sad stuff.

 

@julien - Unpretty Little Liar

Spoiler

The meter is really brilliant. This could easily be a song.

[Instrumental hook] I love this lmao

It’s super out there and loud and it’s really refreshing and nice to read. I’ve never heard ‘plastic saint’ before and I really like it, it’s a great metaphor.

I think the bridge is the weakest part. It’s just not as interesting with the wordplay as the rest of the piece and I totally think if you left it out, the song itself would’ve been stronger.

I’m delighted that you entered though because it was just a real change up compared to the other entries.

 

@Aurora - Signs

Spoiler

I think this song is a great introduction for you as a detailed and descriptive writer. You clearly know the balance between giving too much and too little. The meter is also really tight.

I’m just conflicted on the religious language and imagery in the song. I like it and I think it’s an interesting concept, but I’m not sure how it fits into this particular song. The only loose connection I can make is that you were hoping this person would bring a certain nostalgia (like how you described in the commentary), like you were looking forward to remembering the idea of this person, almost like they’re an idol. Which would also explain why the religious imagery is only used in the first verse before the realisation that these memories aren’t as great as you though they would be.

But I could also be thinking far too much into your word choice, which I guess is a good sign of engaging with this song. The advice I would give is that if you’re going to involve terms like Holy Plans, Hymn, Pray so close together, make sure  they have a purpose in the overall song.

Just a bit confusing, but other than that, I liked it.  

 

@Rence - Video Games

Spoiler

‘Now memories are collecting dust, my friend’. Such a standout line for a really tender and brilliant song.

The reminisce/innocence lines are some lines that I wish I could’ve wrote and some of the best I’ve seen of any of the entries so far. Those two little lines just carry so much weight.

It’s hard to find the words for how much I loved this. There’s nothing I can critique I don’t think, which is why this review is as short as it is.  You really brought me into this world of bittersweet nostalgia and then the crashing realisation that those memories, are just memories and they’ll fade. Congratulations on writing such a great song. Really great work.

 

@dweebz - Phoenix 

Spoiler

I’m super conflicted on this song. I like it, but it just needs a lot more in my opinion. It needs to be expanded. Ways you can do this is through using the senses (Sight, Touch, Smell, Hear, Taste) to show us what it’s like to rise like a Phoenix. You could really throw us into this song that way. Or you could set up some sort of reason for why this person is choosing now to rise, why did they have to rise? What is the obstacle and why now? You don’t have to take any of that but they’re just examples of what I felt could’ve elevated this song. But it’s ultimately up to you where you go with your songs. This felt more like a starting point.

I really like the lines about ‘making my people proud’ and would’ve loved if you explored that in the song.

But as an introduction, I need to see more songs to really understand what kind of writer you are.

 

@Overprotected - Companion

Spoiler

I really, really loved this song.

There’s some little meter issues that I think you could work on by just reading the song out loud. I loved the depth of meaning I got from Verse 2 Line 1 about the clock. Really great imagery there to convey that idea of aging.

*Instrumental* I love it lmao.

I’m not a fan verse 4. I think it’s kinda weak in lyricism compared to the rest. But you brought it back for Verse 5 which is great.

I also don’t think it needed a chorus so I’m glad you didn’t use one.

Overall, I really enjoyed the song and the message and some of the ideas and language used was amazing, particularly verse 2. Great introduction.

 

@selena_lavigne - Love Yourself First

Spoiler

Your description had me absolutely screaming lmao king.

I’m so conflicted by this song. On one hand, you made me laugh, which is the goal from this kinda of song. I also really liked this line:

‘I can't find love if I shoved it down a hot guy's throat.’

It’s interesting, while also being hilarious in the context of the rest of the song.

But on the other hand, I felt like there was just not a lot of substance to the song at all. Even the humour wasn’t enough to save it in my opinion. If you’re making a funny song, it needs to be carefully planned out. The darks and lights to the song need to be precise and the punchlines have to punch. I don’t think there was enough lines that hit to save this.

I think if you just really think about what words you use, I can see you going far in this competition.

 

@Dessy - Till The Violin Plays

Spoiler

I would be writing out the whole song if I was to pick out the stand out lines. It’s so great. The rhymes are amazing, the meter is tight. It’s a brilliant, creative rap.

This review is super short because there's just nothing to critique I don’t think. I really enjoyed it. Clearly you know how to craft a super engaging song.

 

@Lucky#17 - Different Angles

Spoiler

There’s just not enough here to give you the best shot at doing well in this competition imo. Which is a shame because I loved the idea and I totally think you could’ve played up the Different Angles idea because it’s a really great wording for the message you’re trying to convey throughout here.

I think what really would’ve helped this is to explore some of those questions you ask in the pre-chorus. That would’ve added a few more lines/ a new verse / a new dimension to the song.

I really liked these lines:

‘Is that man a master of deception?

Or is he fearful of words?

Is that woman keen on seduction?

Or is she exhausted from her work?’

It’s great imagery, that unfortunately isn’t utilised enough in my opinion.

Overall, a really awesome idea and concept, I just really wanted more.

 

@Temporal - D

Spoiler

The lyricism is just really brilliant throughout this whole song.

I really liked that when you’re addressing the person/community, it feels like you’re constricted in what you can say, where as your verse and pre chorus are much more free-flowing with your thoughts which I think is brilliant song writing and really conveys the nervousness of the ‘us vs them/ difference’ message of the song.  That’s what I pulled from this song, but I could totally be wrong. Either way, I really engaged with this piece.

Overall, I really enjoyed the song and can’t wait for your next entry.

 

@Gay Rat Divorce - Asteroids 

Spoiler

I actually only found this entry at the last minute so I didn't have as much time with this song as the others. But I was delighted when I actually read it. It's super interesting imagery. There's so many highlights here, that I wish I had found this entry earlier to give it the review it deserves. But congrats on being amazing. There wasn't anything I dislike about this song. 

 

[Aurora]

The way if I had waited 10 more minutes.

 

[ATRL Username]

Thank you Prisoner and Courtney Love!!!!!

 

To Prisoner, I think the point of confusion is that the song was supposed to from the perspective of an astronaut and not an asteroid. ? I’ll make that clearer next time

[Courtney Love]

17 hours ago, ughgabriel said:

 

Huh... Have you noticed the moon has been acting weird lately?

I wonder what does that mean...

 

 

?????????

[Overprotected]

Thank you!!

[Temporal]

SHVGIU who submitted under my name?

[Aurora]

@Courtney Love The religious imagery wasn't used throughout the song as it wasn't meant to be the central theme, but play into the theme of seeing signs with concepts like divine intervention and "a sign from God", but I can get where you're coming from. The subject of the song is actually a pastor's son and was (is?) Catholic, so that's why I felt compelled to use that language, although that wasn't necessarily made evident in the context of the song. I'll try to make any connections like this more integrated rather than implied in the future. Thanks for the honest feedback!

[Aurora]

Just now, Temporal said:

SHVGIU who submitted under my name?

Wait.

[8thPrince]

1 minute ago, Temporal said:

SHVGIU who submitted under my name?

Oh I thought you were actually playing

[Temporal]

1 minute ago, Aurora said:

Wait.

 

Just now, 8thPrince said:

Oh I thought you were actually playing

 

Somebody bamboozled y'all  

[Aurora]

5 minutes ago, Temporal said:

 

 

Somebody bamboozled y'all  

If I was a judge I'd like to think I'd be able to recognise your writing style!

[Temporal]

1 minute ago, Aurora said:

If I was a judge I'd like to think I'd be able to recognise your writing style!

Yeah just based on the snippets in the reviews it seems like whoever submitted wrote a solid piece, just not something in my wheelhouse at all 

[Hug]

Who did it ?this trlog part 2 tea

[Lucky#17]

Wow, thanks a lot judges! - Expected worse critiques so this was a nice surprise. The concept was one I had in my head for quite some time (I've really adored it) so to finally get a good draft on-computer of it felt amazing & there's lots of warmth I'm finding in your reviews since the concept's clicked so well with all of you!

 

@Courtney Love Yeah, I'm not great at writing material in short timeframes (I usually let songs grow/write themselves in my head over the course of months for some, years for most in my experience so far), so I don't expect the "competition" aspect of this game to go well for me. I've found that Platinum Hit + this have definitely helped me become more capable of writing in those quicker timeframes though so that's my main goal (comes in handy for coursework, etc. as well). For this song, I had everything but the verses come naturally / quicker than I expected - I legit threw something together for the verses 10mins before submitting (which is why I'm highkey shocked that the song wasn't jabbed at a bit more 'cause I thought they were mad mediocre if I'm being honest ). I'm very glad you didn't sugarcoat since writing has always been my primary outlet - all suggestions are great ones!

Edited September 3, 2020 by Lucky#17

[Auburn]

2 hours ago, Temporal said:

SHVGIU who submitted under my name?

UMMMMMMMM asfsdgfdfgsdgfsd what the ****!? 

[Hug]

wiisults? ?