Hug Posted February 14, 2017 Posted February 14, 2017 I see Citrus wants to waltz in here and snatch my best judge Grammy. Why do I always have to be #2 to you! *furious blonde woman.gif*
ughgabriel Posted February 14, 2017 Posted February 14, 2017 woo it was a long fun night of playing cards against humanity
fountain Posted February 14, 2017 Author Posted February 14, 2017 To be accepted I must blend into conventions way
Hug Posted February 14, 2017 Posted February 14, 2017 4 minutes ago, ughgabriel said: The fact that I didn't sleep at all Same like wtf is sleep never heard of her
ughgabriel Posted February 14, 2017 Posted February 14, 2017 6 minutes ago, Hug said: Same like wtf is sleep never heard of her we should've kept _______. Playing | Madonna's Ray Of Light album | Incest | Twinkies | African dhildren | Ke$ha's nudes | Wifely duties | The Thong Song | Britknee | Beyonce's weave
Hug Posted February 14, 2017 Posted February 14, 2017 Just now, ughgabriel said: we should've kept _______. Playing | Madonna's Ray Of Light album | Incest | Twinkies | African dhildren | Ke$ha's nudes | Wifely duties | The Thong Song | Britknee | Beyonce's weave *picks incest*
Citrus Posted February 14, 2017 Posted February 14, 2017 19 hours ago, Citrus said: CitRuviews Funnellegs – Youth Your first verse has some minor wording issues. Both the second and fourth lines are one or two words too long to flow well. You could’ve just said “This darkness is not built to last” and taken out “that” in each one, respectively, to make it read a little sharper. The pre chorus serves me a pop rock P!nk tea, generic but cute. Chorus is shaky but I enjoy it. Even though it doesn’t particularly rhyme and it’s structured weirdly, it has a raw, kinda punk vibe to it that I really like. Be careful with some of those half lines (But we’re already half-dead / Might as well go all the way). Due to their length, they can very easily come off as clunky. Verse 2 had the same issues as Verse 1, but it’s a little grittier which is fun. The bridge is probably your best part of the song, mostly because it best lays out your narrator’s problem. I’m assuming this was about a relationship that’s about to end, but the narrator has some reservations because he/she has invested a lot into the other person? Please correct me if I’m wrong. This mostly worked, but there were too many awkwardly phrased and clunking lines that detracted from the flow. Emotionally-oriented songs especially need good flow because, like anger/sadness/love, they should move seamlessly and feel lightly constructed to the reader. Ceremonials – Isabella Verse 1 is very me if I didn’t write 236-syllable lines. I don’t like the repetition of pictured in two lines back to back, it’s weak. Delete it chorus, dang. I’ll talk about this more later. Verse 2 does a great job advancing the storyline, and I’m not entirely against that slanty dad/understand rhyme. Bridge had me thinking this was about a girl running away from her parents writing a letter to her baby sister, oop. My big issue with this is how little it conveys the story you want it to. I’m not saying it’s a bad song or a bad job, but I really did not get what you were going for until you explicitly told me in the disclaimer. If you’re going for a more complicated angle like you were here, you have to work twice as hard to make it relatable and understandable. You can’t cop out. That being said, this song is alright. The chorus is lowkey basic, which is not something I expected from you. The ‘ee’ rhymes came off as forced (which they likely were considering you rhymed ‘me’ with ‘me’). I’m just very…underwhelmed. Love the concept though, so please don’t let this deter you from trying big concept songs again in the future. Just do them better next time. Corsola – Drip Drop How sweet of you to write a song about DripDrip. First verse is quite singsongy and childish. That’s not a criticism – it reinforces the innocence and naivety of the narrator. I think “tears I could not cry out” fits better than couldn’t, but it’s not major. “So that” wasn’t really needed in the last line. The chorus is a non-event, but story songs don’t always need the anthemic stuff most songs do. Verse 2 has some good ideas but is muddled in how it presents them. I would like to see you expand on the metaphor of you being a cloud blocking the sunshine from your mother and your unjustified guilt at that. Bridge is direct and appealing to an emotional sense. Little things that I don’t care enough about to point out, good job. Obviously this song meant a lot to you to write, and it mostly works. The main critique I have is that, while the narrator’s voice is consistent, what she wants to say isn’t entirely clear. Basically, it didn’t feel like the narrator felt strongly enough about the situation to me, if that makes sense? It’s still a pretty good song, though, so don’t get hung up on some of my points. Aurora – Poles Apart Cute title, Pears and I actually met working a pole apart at the gentleman’s club. That pretentious ass first line, we get it, you went to college! Your first verse is magical, I love the imagery it sets up. I’m a sucker for night sky usage (#EmptySkyWasRobbedOfAPHGrammy), and this tickles my fancy quite well. I think replacing “Still” with “Yet” would’ve made the transition between lines smoother. The pretty stars tell pretty lies line is simultaneously cliché and fun, and I could see Kesha using it. Loves it. Girl wtf is idyll? I know idyllic so I inferred but are all your entries gonna require a ****ing thesaurus? Pre-chorus is very Saint Vincent. The chorus is cute and science-y in an edgy Bill Nye kinda way. I’m slightly irked by the lack of consistent rhyme structure in the chorus (AAbbbC, with lowercase being internal rhymes?), but it’s not a huge negative. I’m screaming at you using semitone. Verse 2 is a slay of double entendre and wordplay. It’s so cheeky and smart. Loves it. “That’s just what like poles do”. Yes, I know that ‘like’ in this instance is a direct adjective and not a comparative but it still reads awkwardly. There’s a reason scientific terminology does not oft make it beyond whatever Bjork is doing. Overall! I! Liked! It! This was a different take on the star-crossed lovers thing, and I actually enjoyed that the metaphor changed each verse, ultimately keeping with the idea of two magnetic poles. Aside from your incessant need to flaunt your vocabulary, I really enjoyed reading this. Ughgabriel – Prologue/Epilogue Eternally alert is a little long for my taste, but that’s my only critique of the first verse. Love the last line of the pre-chorus. The chorus is very emotionally resonant, even though I think ‘wouldn’t get to say’ and ‘On this journey’ fit better. Probably my favorite chorus this round, it’s just so sweet. Verse 2 is well enough but doesn’t add anything to the storyline you’re developing. It’s kind of non-necessary. The same critique applies to the bridge. If you’re going to detail pre-coma with this much language, you should’ve added some more specific details. As it is, it’s 2 verses and a bridge all expressing the same sentiment, albeit beautifully. “Never-ending frowns” seems very forced. I appreciate the change in structure for the Epilogue portion, symbolizing (I think) a new perspective/chance at life. “It dissipates away with time” is a very good line and flows well. Interlude portion is clunky, mainly because of the time line. Time was one to turn? If the tide was one to turn it would make sense, not sure what you’re going for there. For the chorus of Epilogue, what celestial signs are you talking about in the season conversation? Weather? It’s pretty language but I’m not sure what it means. Having her lines end on the “you were there” was an inspired choice that I like I know you said not to criticize the dolor rhyme, so I won’t. But let me just say that just because a word is great and fits the scheme/definition, doesn’t mean we should always use it. I love the word ‘esoteric’ yet it has never been in a song of mine. For a reason. Middle 8 and Outro are fine Your chorus is SO good that the rest of the song kinda pales in comparison at points. However, that’s not a completely bad thing since the chorus is supposed to encapsulate the song’s main points. My issues with the song, as callous as they may sound, are that nothing much particularly happens. It’s rumination on the status of this man in a coma from two different perspectives. It’s okay to have that emotional reflection, but, like in the first song especially, it kinda devolved into a dozen different ways to say the same thing. Which CAN work, if the language usage is beautiful/descriptive enough. But, for me, it ultimately felt kinda like Waiting for Godot (@feelslikeadream, probably?). Pretty but a little too underdeveloped. Great concept to work from though, so please keep those kinds of ideas coming. CitRuviews Jackson – Bottle Why haven’t you called me back? I gave you the best years of my life and you think you can just throw me away like this? I am not a piece of garbage you can toss aside when you’re done with me. I will NOT be ignored. “When I thought that you cared” is a little long-sounding, kinda like it has been way too ****ing long since you replied to my texts. Holds your body captive is cute, unlike your treatment of me. **** you for ripping off Cher with the turn back time plagiarism. This chorus is a little too short in my opinion, which sucks because I like the idea that you’re trying to express. Basically, it isn’t good enough to justify its brevity. Similar to how you don’t **** good enough to justify your tiny dick. The second verse is a lot better than the first, though a wall of pillows is almost as childish as refusing to respond to my voicemails. Images of other men is a good line, as was the line of cocaine I had to snort to forget you, you heartless ****ing scrub. Third verse and final chorus are a complete slay, I wonder where you learned to do a full circle dénouement in the last chorus? Oh, I know, in my arms which did NOTHING but HELP you, selfish ass prick. I ****ing hate you. Saintwest – Oblivion Hope over them fences, henny! This first verse doesn’t follow a rhyming structure which is fine, but it comes across as poetry more than song. I know that’s an annoying critique to get, so let me try to elaborate. Poetry is (usually) more observational without transitions, while songs typically flow more even when they are just observations. Just listing things about you two without any connectivity either in transitional words or rhymes makes it sound like a poem (My head on your shoulder / The Sunrise ahead / Taking the train back home, etc). If you had some words linking those lines or rhymes to connect them in some way, it would read more musically. GIRL the chorus, is this a 9/11 song? No shade but I’m generally put off by most things that kinda capitalize on someone else’s tragedy. That being said, the chorus does a much better job of flowing and sounding like an actual song. I don’t know what it is with these verses. Verse 2 sounds more sonically inclined but is, again, too disjointed. It’s in the right direction though. Actually point out one of those little things that reminds you of him! It’s those details that drive stuff home for the audience. Bridge is weak, I think you know that. It’s basic “I miss you and wish you were here” without any embellishment. Chorus packs a little more of a punch at the end. This was an overall good attempt at a difficult topic. Like I said, while I generally don’t appreciate tragedy-centric songs, this didn’t feel cheap because you only alluded to the events of that day. It feels mature, even if it doesn’t break any new ground in its treatment of the loss of a loved one. Not bad, just not phenomenal. Jpow – Thief Girl why is your entry in black highlighted text? Of course a Kennedy stan would have shimmer in their eyes, tacky ass taste. The first verse is cute and quick, I don’t have any major qualms. It’s basic but not bad, kinda inoffensive. This chorus is a no from me. It feels like a rejected version of the first verse because it expresses the same concepts (lyrically as well as metaphorically) and isn’t as much of a punch. Oh @ Verse 2. It’s just…weak. When you do something steeped in metaphor, you have to nail it ala Aurora sorta with Poles Apart this week. As in, you have to be more specific lest the metaphorical nature of the song overpower things and this personal song start feeling remarkably unemotional. Your best moment was the first verse, but it kinda went downhill after that. This song felt rushed and impersonal, like how someone would write about heartache who has never experienced it. I know you’ve experienced sadness because a black, dancing queen has never won RPDR –channel that! Dig a little deeper to pull out some of those emotions, because, as is, this wasn’t particularly affecting. 8thPrince – Signs Stan for my favorite M. Night Shyamalan film. YES @ this first verse, it lays out so much information and is so contextually rich. Ugh, it reminds me of like, a 19th century detective/romance novel. WERK. Oh @ this being about ****ing astrology. Gay as hell. Prechorus is well written, but all of those allusions to a very specific topic come across as overtly technical/forced at times (inclusion of fate-line, mainly). The chorus is very earthy and feels strong. It flows well and hits more with a steady thump than an outright crash, which works very well here. Loved it. Verse 2 is a little chunky, put her on Jenny Craig. Love/block doesn’t work, and the second couplet is underwhelming because it breaks the rhyme scheme you set up in Verse 1. You’re not the first person to come up with finger spaces fitting as a cute love thing, but I still stanned for it. Tea leaves works better here than fate-line did in the first pre chorus. Now my own mother/Used to everyday couplet is gross and should’ve been left out. It’s chunky but NOT funky. It’s interesting to end on a bridge, but it works. I would’ve liked a cool fade out/repetition with all of the signs/have a common root, but eh. This struck a great balance between feeling like poetry and sounding like music. I really enjoyed the traditionalist, earthy vibe to this song. It felt GOOD reading it, ya know? Aside from the structural choices I disagreed with above, this was great.
Temporal Posted February 14, 2017 Posted February 14, 2017 56 minutes ago, Citrus said: are all your entries gonna require a ****ing thesaurus?
fountain Posted February 14, 2017 Author Posted February 14, 2017 34 minutes ago, Temporal said: How bout you stfu and do your reviews
Jackson Posted February 14, 2017 Posted February 14, 2017 ngl i write every entry with a rhymezone tab and a thesaurus.com tab open
swiftie13 Posted February 14, 2017 Posted February 14, 2017 45 minutes ago, Jackson said: rose colored glasses ON party ON Queen of zuegma
Hug Posted February 14, 2017 Posted February 14, 2017 Clocked! --- I'm watching reviews of movies I already watched. Idk I find seeing other people's opinions interesting.
Hug Posted February 14, 2017 Posted February 14, 2017 1 minute ago, Jackson said: ngl i write every entry with a rhymezone tab open Me in PH9. I don't really ever look at thesauruses...like maybe once in all of last season. I think that's why, relatively speaking, my entries are very elementary sounding. I just use the tiny words I know. However, I don't think being elementary is always a bad thing, and can even be an advantage should you use that to your advantage.
swiftie13 Posted February 14, 2017 Posted February 14, 2017 Too bad you didn't use it to your advantage
Hug Posted February 14, 2017 Posted February 14, 2017 5 minutes ago, swiftie13 said: Too bad you didn't use it to your advantage Stop you were a stan :( But you're right, though. I actually did never make it a point to give a reason for simplistic language choices. I don't think I ever got into that 'too basic' territory, though.
Hug Posted February 14, 2017 Posted February 14, 2017 I figured, but you brought up a point I wanted to address.
fountain Posted February 14, 2017 Author Posted February 14, 2017 I endorse rhymezone but I don't think I've ever used a thesaurus, I don't think I can even remember what one is
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.