ughgabriel Posted February 21, 2017 Posted February 21, 2017 Come in and dub the trackhttps://www.dubtrack.fm/join/platinumhitz
fountain Posted February 21, 2017 Author Posted February 21, 2017 nnnn sorry but i don't like the power 100 thing at all and if its true that they're giving cere a hard time then im not surprised. i imagine it attracts the most insecure/petty people
Hug Posted February 21, 2017 Posted February 21, 2017 Just now, keshaspearsxo said: nnnn sorry but i don't like the power 100 thing at all and if its true that they're giving cere a hard time then im not surprised. i imagine it attracts the most insecure/petty people Oop shade me. I only participated this year because I didn't want to see cere flop, though.
ceremonials Posted February 21, 2017 Posted February 21, 2017 29 minutes ago, keshaspearsxo said: nnnn sorry but i don't like the power 100 thing at all and if its true that they're giving cere a hard time then im not surprised. i imagine it attracts the most insecure/petty people true.
ughgabriel Posted February 21, 2017 Posted February 21, 2017 2 minutes ago, Temporal said: 4/8 done Come through!
Temporal Posted February 21, 2017 Posted February 21, 2017 Not me writing a 188 word review I better serve Temphelpful with it!
SaintWest Posted February 21, 2017 Posted February 21, 2017 3 minutes ago, Temporal said: Not me writing a 188 word review I better serve Temphelpful with it! Not the 188 word review being for me most likely.
SaintWest Posted February 21, 2017 Posted February 21, 2017 2 minutes ago, Corsola said: Why do I feel like this is me Stop taking the spotlight from me.
SaintWest Posted February 21, 2017 Posted February 21, 2017 14 minutes ago, Gastrodonatella said: Becky G(astrodonatella) strikes again with another cursed entry! Setting up Jackson for greatness You know what I'm ****ing done with you coming into this thread with your entitled, flamboyant, Mitch Grassi holding a mother****ing drink while vogueing GIF ass thinking they can drag people left and right with no repercussions. You need to realize your actions have CONSEQUENCES. You drag Jackson all the time - he is a CONFLICTED white, bisexual American little boy thing who is already oppressed as is. I'm sure he's bullied all the time! He's probably stuffed in a locker somewhere right as you typed that drag from the comfort of your room! He probably is calling for help but nobody can hear him and he is going to come home to read you dragging him yet again! Your hurtful comments probably make him cry himself to sleep every night! And me, I trusted you with my song, I trusted you with my concept, and you gave me a ****ing chorus that is going to be dragged by every judge. You did that! I have never in my life yelled at a gay like this because we're supposed to stick together. When my mother (stream Come to Mama on Spotify) yells like this it's because she loves me. I was rooting for you, we were all rooting for you! How dare you! Learn something from this! When you go to bed at night, you lay there and you take responsibility for yourself - because nobody's going to take responsibility for you. You're rolling your eyes and you act like it's because you've heard it all before - you've heard it all before - you don't know where the hell I come from, you have no idea what I've been through, I ranked #36 round 1 but I mother****ing floated my way to the top because I'm not a victim; I grow from it and I learn and deliver #5 and #2 anthems Numbers Boy and Till. Take responsibility for yourself!
Temporal Posted February 21, 2017 Posted February 21, 2017 Well I heard the chicken in the Power 100 thread tonight was LOVELY.
ceremonials Posted February 21, 2017 Posted February 21, 2017 7 minutes ago, Temporal said: Well I heard the chicken in the Power 100 thread tonight was LOVELY. it is
SaintWest Posted February 21, 2017 Posted February 21, 2017 16 minutes ago, Gastrodonatella said: Oh look its Corsola inserting herself into a conversation that had nothing to do with her In other news, Jpows a flop and Ceremonials writes about death! And Gastro remains speechless after being dragged to filth.
Temporal Posted February 21, 2017 Posted February 21, 2017 @funnellegs - Someone’s Daughter I didn't feel any connection with this piece; I don't think that you made the narrative inviting or interesting enough. It felt so completely limited to your friend's situation that it doesn't have much practicality outside of being "given" directly to her. This isn't a song that I or I think most people would want to listen to. That contributed to the whole song feeling a bit melodramatic and bogged down the empathy that I should be giving to your friend. It came across as more whiny than ~emotional~. - “ Disappointment with a side of tears this morning” this may be more of a personal quarrel, but I have always hated lines that use breakfast as the vehicle of a metaphor. It ALWAYS comes off as melodramatic, see Rihanna's "Close to You" - "because even when love smothers it couldn’t suffocate." grammatical nitpick but "love smothers" is the conditional present tense while "couldn't" is the conditional past; that should be "can't" @Aurora - Mountain Your collegiate vocabulary seemed pretty tame this go around - sans one example - but this didn’t feel song-y. The chorus especially made this feel much more like a poem. For someone who’s been quite risky this season, this was a very very safe entry. This wasn’t a bad entry, just somewhat average, especially at this point in the game. - “Enshrouded by the flora” extra - The chorus felt a bit childish. - “Eroded by the rivers cried / beneath the mountain’s summit” This triggered my grammar nazi complex. Did you mean “river’s cries”? @ughgabriel - Tijuana I think that this entry was great for the challenge, but aside from that, it felt a bit weak from you. There were some glances of the typical Gabe style that you’ve developed, but overall I was a tad underwhelmed. I think it was just this challenge, though. - “their voices still resounding / On forgotten surroundings” I think “in” fits better than “on” - “Fortunate are those / Who keep their names away from the newspaper” “out of” works better than “away from” - “Who had God´s assistance to survive the chasers” clunky - delete “escape/rape” - The outro was a bit didactic - Choruses were the highlight @ceremonials - Power Trip For a rushed entry, this wasn’t bad. In general, it was okay. It reminded me a lot of the @Achilles. entry last season, “Star of the Show” or something like that. He better take a note from his fave and sue you! ANYWAYS, the main issue was that conceptually it was lacking, it didn’t develop very much and you didn’t have enough play on words for me. Wrap up the Power 100 and get back to work, bitch. - “She's on some power trip.” I agree with Huga, “some” is triggering, make it “a” - The post-chorus was kinda cheesy and unnecessary - “She looked at you and said” I get that the line break was probably to signal the end of the quote, but aside from that, it was a messy segue to the chorus. - “Falling prey to her soft lips” “soft” is such a plain adjective, do better! @SaintWest - Film Noir I’m torn because on the one hand what you wrote really was not a song; it was FAR too wordy, just your chorus alone was 116 words which is the length of some entire entries, but on the other hand the lyrics themselves were so witty. You had this lovely aesthetics that captures the whole piece, but you didn’t do it succinctly enough for a song at all. This is especially true for the chorus which is just a WALL of text. You did do the challenge itself well though I think. I just don’t know what to do with this :jonny: - “His promises hang thick” won’t even pretend that I understood this - “She says, “Sure, my name’s Estelle, now let’s get to a hotel,” delete it @Corsola - Afflicted Inc. Well, no one can say that you didn’t take a risk with this I think this was somewhat hit and miss. I liked the concept and I think it fit well with the challenge, but to a lesser extent than Saint, this wasn’t really a song. You didn’t use your words well here. When writing a song you should really work to use the limits of the medium to your benefit rather than try to write a not song and pass it off as one (I know that wasn’t your intention, but that’s really how the final product ended up). I think what exacerbated this was that this was probably the first entry this season where the rhymes were often very stretched, like “normal/mental” “follow/models” and “shape/brain”. If this entry needed to be one thing, it needed to be tighter. When you feel like you need to write a novel to get all your thoughts across with a song like this, less is usually more. I’ll end this by saying it wasn’t a bad entry at all, it had some quirky and creative moments, but I just think you bit off more than you could chew, unfortunately. @Jackson - Nomad Lands Mess @ everyone choosing to serve Jane Austen in their verses this week. I think this was a somewhat lazy entry from you? It’s somewhat hard to explain but I don’t think you were very engaged with this piece, you played it pretty safe and wrote a song that hits all the check marks but there wasn’t an extra level to this that I know you’re capable of. That being said, this level of work will still carry you for a few more rounds at the very least, so if you need to do this to recuperate your creative energy, by all means, go for it. - “She hears echoes of a father in another broken man” "A" father or "HER" father? - “So no matter where she escapes / To nomad lands or cityscapes / Though heaven took your spirit she will always keep it close” I’m not sure how to explain this, but having both “So no…” and “Though heaven took your spirit” in the same sentence but being separated by that “nomad lands” line was weird. Like, “Though heaven took your spirit” needed to be next to the first line or just cut out entirely. Idk if that made any sense. - The use of the future tense in the second stanza of each verse was a nice way to build momentum - “Could simple compliments have changed the cruel desires of time?” this line felt a bit out of place, it’s the only question in the entire piece and I think you bent over backward to fill the couplet. “Cruel desires of time” feels like a reach too. @8thPrince - Ticking Heart I don’t know what got into you, but you are SLAYING the consistency, not necessarily in your chart run, but nearly every lyric you write feels so carefully crafted, the rhymes and the images always connect to deliver PUNCHES and it’s such a pleasure to read. I really only had a few points of confusion: - I got the parallelism between the first and second verse, but what “crowd” is “the love of your life” going into? - The first verse was about being in a car struck by a train? - Aside from that, I think that your songs end somewhat predictably, or have for the past 4 weeks or so? I’d like to see if you could push yourself to have even more content in the next go around and bundle the song in the conclusion better.
Temporal Posted February 21, 2017 Posted February 21, 2017 A lot of average entries this week, but nothing that offended me, good job I guess, hoes
Hug Posted February 21, 2017 Posted February 21, 2017 Well we're in agreement that 8th is killing it then.
8thPrince Posted February 21, 2017 Posted February 21, 2017 4 minutes ago, Temporal said: - The first verse was about being in a car struck by a train? No, it was a metaphor saying that the character's father can't change his mind, just like a train can't easily slow down or reverse direction. It was sort of a play on the wheels and the bumper to bumper traffic mentioned earlier. Glad you enjoyed! I hope to write something longer in the future, then.
Temporal Posted February 21, 2017 Posted February 21, 2017 Just now, 8thPrince said: No, it was a metaphor saying that the character's father can't change his mind, just like a train can't easily slow down or reverse direction. It was sort of a play on the wheels and the bumper to bumper traffic mentioned earlier. Glad you enjoyed! I hope to write something longer in the future, then. eafkysg I was like, "he's killing himself by parking on a train track? How #creative"
ceremonials Posted February 21, 2017 Posted February 21, 2017 1 minute ago, Achilles. said: @ceremonials im your disciple it was bound to happen eventually
Hug Posted February 21, 2017 Posted February 21, 2017 Wait let me do score hints ...and scores. I didn't do those yet actually hihi
Achilles. Posted February 21, 2017 Posted February 21, 2017 Just now, ceremonials said: im your disciple it was bound to happen eventually From ripping off Florence to ripping off me. Wow @ your decline.
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