Dylobs Posted February 20, 2017 Posted February 20, 2017 23 minutes ago, Jackson said: wow @Aurora @Dylobs @Auburn @Achilles. @ceremonials and I all got KatyCat Award nominations, make sure to vote. Reminder that I got more than all of them though (specifically Dylobs). Reminder I'm gonna win more than all of the rest of you ?
ughgabriel Posted February 20, 2017 Posted February 20, 2017 1 hour ago, ceremonials said: OMG doggy doggy teas asnfhsdjfs we do not talk about doggy doggy here
ughgabriel Posted February 20, 2017 Posted February 20, 2017 i'm a paper doll, you can tear me up we'll be the broken lovers with the poison cup
SaintWest Posted February 20, 2017 Posted February 20, 2017 Me being perfectly calm, wanting rihviews to take their time, preparing for the best of times and the worst of times.
SaintWest Posted February 20, 2017 Posted February 20, 2017 Not a possible 1 2 punch of Hug and Pear reviews!
Hug Posted February 20, 2017 Posted February 20, 2017 Round 8 Reviews @funnellegs Funnellegs - Somebody’s Daughter No first-person pronouns? - check Didn’t write a love song? - check You gave me what I expected from you in the challenge, and also changed your theme, which I was relieved to see. I see some things that I believe should be pointed out, though relatively minor. You have some one-off metaphors that are very familiar, such as the first two lines in your pre chorus, and the third/fourth lines of the bridge. This would be a fine basis if built upon, but it’s abandoned soon after which leaves an empty feeling to the metaphor. There are also some lines that could have been phrased better, such as “...when the cord got cut, you knew you were done”. I do want to make it a point that, to me, this was your strongest submission all season. There were some stand-out lines, such as “...even when love smothers, it couldn’t suffocate”, and “...you know you can’t even face the words you’ve written”, and I think that shows that you are a writer worthy of being at this point in the competition, despite what charts may say. @Aurora Aurora - Mountain Really hun? Civilization is not a word to just casually throw into a song. All those syllables. Although that was the biggest example, you used a few words that were more poetic than song-like, and it makes the whole entry feel that way. I do think the way you approached the challenge was interesting. It wasn’t done in a way that was “I replaced all the first person pronouns with third person ones! I did the challenge!”, you know? I can appreciate that. @ughgabriel Ughgabriel - Tijuana I think it was honestly a really bold move to tackle an issue that’s personal and important to you on a challenge where you can’t use first-person pronouns. This was very fitting, though, because there’s an understanding that it affects more than just you, and it’s about something bigger than you. You wrote it in a way that I really couldn’t imagine first-person pronouns needing to be in here. That’s one thing I really loved about this entry. As usual, I can’t help but love your word choices at times (but even though the “murder and rape” line has a message it conveys well, it still felt a bit blunt when looking at it from a technical standpoint), and this was another great entry from you. @ceremonials Ceremonials - Power Trip You wrote something I liked. Congratulations. No, but seriously, this was the first time I felt like you sent something that was more than a poem. I can’t say the concept was novel (the ‘femme fatale’/’man eater’ idea isn’t new or anything), but I enjoyed your execution. The entry felt very smooth, and for the most part it wasn’t jarring. I want to tell you about the things that did take me back a bit. “A thousand minds she’s stolen”...I don’t like this line and already thought of amendments as I was typing this sentence. “A thousand men she’s broken”, or “A thousand hearts she’s taken” - the last one borders on cliche, but I still would’ve liked it better. You could’ve dropped “soft” in “Falling prey to her soft lips”, and that works better in my opinion. “She’s on some power trip” Really? Some? Delete it. Otherwise, I am a fan of this entry. @SaintWest SaintWest - film noir This was wordy. This was also very aesthetic, though! I’m overall torn. I think you could’ve got your point across without so many words (the chorus was the big offender of this), and the bridge was a shining example of that. It was a real highlight of the entry. I have no idea why you decided to rhyme quotes for the chorus, but I’m not a fan of it. The chorus seems to be where all the problems I have with this lie, because the verses are serviceable and the bridge, as I said, was a highlight, but the chorus shouldn’t be the weakest part of your entry, and especially by such a margin that’s shown here. @Corsola Corsola - Afflicted Inc. Okay, so some of the word choices here felt there for the sake of half-rhyming. “...but don’t tell clients they’ll lose their brain”, for instance, where “mind” is a more natural follow up, but wouldn’t work because it’s not a rhyme...unless you’re trying to imply plastic surgery makes people stupider, which I’m going to go on a limb here and say that’s not what you meant. On the topic of that line, though, you used ‘client’ twice, and since we could tell that the second line was referring to these ‘clients’, it was redundant. I do want to say that, for the most part, your meter was good. You also had an entry that didn’t feel like it needed first-person pronouns, which is what I was looking for in this challenge. @Jackson Jackson - nomad lands Adjectives. It got to be a bit much. I think, if I were to amend the first part of the first verse (where I felt it was most excessive), it would go like this “She hears the echoes of a father In another broken man Knowing that she’s falling For the same mistakes again But since you left this world To dwell among the clouds She needs another man To drown the noises out” I also felt that this entry was an example of changing a song to fit the challenge, rather than working with the challenge. I could very easily see first-person pronouns being in this entry. You did have a great sense of meter, although that’s a given with you. @8thPrince 8thprince - Ticking Heart https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gXhE2Rlyqjk
Hug Posted February 20, 2017 Posted February 20, 2017 sorry i forgot to highlight again lol, hope that worked
SaintWest Posted February 20, 2017 Posted February 20, 2017 If I go down, at least I'll be happier to go down with this song and not last week's!
fountain Posted February 20, 2017 Author Posted February 20, 2017 Anyway no mine aren't coming just yet I'm going to buy ice cream and think about all the bad things I've done as I eat it all
fountain Posted February 20, 2017 Author Posted February 20, 2017 "Was that sound that day from raindrops falling on the window shield" ENIGMA
Temporal Posted February 20, 2017 Posted February 20, 2017 Mess at 8th's review, not him coming for weaves AGAIN
fountain Posted February 20, 2017 Author Posted February 20, 2017 Hug has inspired me to make me reviews a check list of everything Gaga says in that video
Jackson Posted February 20, 2017 Posted February 20, 2017 I rarely disagree with my reviews but I disagree with mine. If using 3 adjectives in a verse is my worst offense, and you only edited out two of them... not to mention I think at least 2 of them are absolutely necessary. I agree that I COULD have used first person pronouns, just like everyone else, obviously. But the whole premise of the song, taking the point of view of three different characters within 2 verses and a chorus kinda nullifies that argument. Basically, if I were to write that song again I think I'd write it the same way.
Hug Posted February 20, 2017 Posted February 20, 2017 5 minutes ago, Jackson said: I rarely disagree with my reviews but I disagree with mine. If using 3 adjectives in a verse is my worst offense, and you only edited out two of them... not to mention I think at least 2 of them are absolutely necessary. I agree that I COULD have used first person pronouns, just like everyone else, obviously. But the whole premise of the song, taking the point of view of three different characters within 2 verses and a chorus kinda nullifies that argument. Basically, if I were to write that song again I think I'd write it the same way. Well I had to think of something since I can't just give you compliments since you'll end up thinking of me like a yes man more than a judge. :(
SaintWest Posted February 20, 2017 Posted February 20, 2017 @Hug Yes! You better stan for my Bridge! The one non-serviceable part of my song! Yes queen!
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