Galah Posted June 12, 2018 Author Posted June 12, 2018 6 hours ago, Achilles. said: The deadline is in 8 hours, no exceptions or extensions. Oh mess, did I get the EST time wrong in the challenge post? Deadline doesn't end for another 13+ hours. I think I got the AM and PM mixed up. Whoops! Well, good news is, y'all have an extra 12 hours…
Galah Posted June 12, 2018 Author Posted June 12, 2018 Challenge post updated with the correct deadline time. It's also a little longer than that as I'll be at work at the time and won't be able to forward the entries for maybe 6 or so hours after that time. I will forward the entries I currently have tonight though so the judges can judge them if they wish.
UFO Posted June 12, 2018 Posted June 12, 2018 NNNN as soon as I submit, the deadline gets extended to its original length my power
Hug Posted June 13, 2018 Posted June 13, 2018 Now with tags! @Gastrodonatella - Anger Point “I know this song is meterless [sic], structureless [sic], repetitionless [sic], and rhymeless [sic]” Good, we don’t have to spend half the review saying that then. It was a brave choice to remove anything that would give an entry any semblance of musicality and send it. Since you really said everything I could say about the song, what is left? I liked this part “The land is charred and black / The oceans are gray with ash / My blood runs red with rage”, maybe because it was the most obvious example of creative wordplay I could find. @Kunst - Rooster Flight I’m going to start out by saying...these rhymes, girl. “Dire ˈdī(ə)r/ adjective (of a situation or event) extremely serious or urgent” Pain isn’t a situation or event, and I can only be led to assume you used it to rhyme with “higher”. Other examples of bad rhymes, in the context you used them, are “late/ate”, “line/time”,“hate/straight”, and “prize/baptized” but the dire/higher one is particularly bad because it’s doesn’t make sense. NOW, with that out of the way, using a rooster trying to fly as a sort of empowerment anthem was not a route I expected someone to take, so it’s interesting, at least. I can’t say there were many lines I found particularly stood out in any way, but I liked “My mind and my heart divorce”...I think it’s a good line to show what your song is about...can’t really say I get what “Took sips of a celestial force” means, though, outside of sounding pretty. If it’s supposed to reference alcohol, it’s a really vague metaphor. Speaking of vague, “Win by not letting them make you”...like, I could infer from context clues, it’s referring to being broken, but it’s worded in a way where they’d make you break yourself, rather than their world breaking you, and I don’t think it was intended? Regardless, it was a line that could have been executed better, and that’s a sentiment I think could go for most of this entry. There was an idea here, and some lines I did see you tried to do cool things with, but the execution just fell flat. @minho - Sentimental I’m sentimental, too. I'm sentimental for a time where you sent good entries. :weary: @Auburn - Devotion of Mine So I like the chorus on this quite a bit. It has a great rhythm to it, and while “Paint my life” is a bit tacky, I find it otherwise good. I think you focused a lot on technical aspects of the entry, because I sense a musicality to it. You employed some of my personal favorite tactics, such as reflective verses that grow stronger in language from first to second (embers grow to flames, “want” turns to “need”, etc.) which helps the progression of the song. These are details I appreciate! Still, I think what sets this back is that there really aren’t any lines that are all that impressive, and while I appreciate the attention to technical things, I feel a lot is to be desired as far as compelling lyricism goes. The closest you got was the bridge. It has a dramatic flair to it, and if anyone is reading this, I have a thing for dramatic bridges. I can only wish that the bridge didn’t feel incomplete. Only three lines, and I felt like it was strongest on every level. Would’ve liked at least 1 more line, but 3 to 5 more would’ve been GREAT. Overall, though, I do think it’s a solid effort. @Citrus - Trash So the way you structured this entry was different, that’s cool! In a way, I do appreciate every verse being it’s own self-contained metaphor (nature, food, ...dogs) and it shines with your personality that I could really only expect to come from you (particularly, the bitch line made me chuckle WITH you rather than AT you, so that’s a first for the season.) If I had to have a nit pick at this, “turning all the pages” felt convenient for rhyme-sake. I understand that it's in reference to reading/studying, but it just doesn't seem like how you would express that sentiment had you not needed that sentiment to rhyme. I do feel like you have a unique way of writing, with colloquialisms and all that, but this didn't read like that to me. I also suppose I won’t really remember anything from this, besides the “bitch” line (a classic!), though I suppose it’s better than nothing at all. Overall, it’s technically strong and feels unique to you. @Speezy - Sadity Down Never heard of “sadity” until now, if we’re being honest. Exposing my uncultured ass! Anyway, this was mixed to me. You had some interesting lines (That whole first verse was an aesthetic!) and some...lines that could use work (“The fallen trees and debris disables her path / Like a horse, she springs over it” for instance...was “disables” really the best word here? It doesn’t sound like the first word that’d spring to mind when talking about a path being blocked.) Lines sounding natural elevates a song in most cases, and it would’ve helped here. I saw you mentioning a horse a few times, and you used it enough to make me think there you were trying to give it contextual significance, yet it only read to me like you were hammering in the idea that your song was inspired by the horse zodiac, rather than it being a natural part of the song. I think more effectively portraying the horse in the entry, or completely omitting the horse altogether, would’ve also made this a better entry. @UFO - Dance in the Rain Is this your most pop-oriented track this season? Possibly! Anyway, this started off really strong, but I can’t help but feel words, once again, bogged this down. The chorus, just once, without a post-chorus, was very strong on its own. Also, I feel you could have expressed the sentiments in the outro with 8 lines, as opposed to 12. I don’t want to stifle creative freedom, but I also think there’s something to be said about effective word use. Still...I adore the pre-chorus and how the chorus transitions so well, and it’s one of the few times I actually like the repetition used. @Overprotected - Uptempo City Number “Stand”, “Lungs”, and “Fade” are not rhymes. I’m only saying this to preface that using “out” three times in a row is a bit lazy with no “actual” rhyme prior to it. Anyway, this song captures an aesthetic and captures it in an intriguing way. I think my issue with this is...awkward word choices. “From a pattern it's a strife to stand out / I'm belting my lungs out / Before this fantasy of mine fades out” This whole section, for instances, feels so much weaker than what comes before it, and it stands out in a bad way. “Strife” does not sound like the first word that would go there, and “I’m belting my lungs out” is almost funny in its execution. Still, this does the whole “another face in the big city” idea well for the most part, so kudos on that. @ceremonials - Goldenrod Everything connects so naturally in this entry, it’s almost astounding. Not a thing felt forced or shoehorned in, and you very clearly had a sense of direction and followed through. There’s not really anything I feel you need to remove or add. I need to specifically mention “If I try to cross that old bridge again / Will you burn it before I do” THIS. SNAPPED. Would I go so far to say this is my favorite of yours this season? ...probably. @Kylie Jenner - Men This may just be a personal thing, but using quotes to rhyme seldom sounds natural. While I don’t think you had the worst example of rhymes with quotes, the line about gin stuck out to me as both words in the rhyme were in the same quote. You spaced out the one in the first verse, which made it...better. I also think some rhyme choices felt tacked on. “Bring on the guns”, for instance, didn’t feel entirely natural to me, and didn’t seem needed, either, since you had “tongues” and “blood” before it...the sounds are a bit too close to “lungs”, which makes it feel like an AAAA rhyme scheme gone awry. “Smitten”/”Bitten”, while an internal rhyme, also didn’t feel entirely necessary to me. Still, I do feel like this is good entry, and the snake motif was fun and compelling. @Achilles. - Brave Face The second half of your first verse reminds me a lot of a certain judge’s song from season’s past. “The fabric of time / Weaves a gorgeous design / But a crevice inside / Has one thread unwind” I don’t think you were even aware of its existence, so I’m just gonna say it’s funny that two different people thought to use those words as rhymes, and both executed it well. What I don’t think was executed well were some rhyme choices. I do get that “vines” DO tangle, but that being a one-off metaphor just makes me feel it was more of a convenient thing to say. Something like “deep inside” would’ve sounded more natural to what you were going for. Another example of convenience rhymes would be in the chorus. “This is all you have to do”. We didn’t need a line in the chorus to tell us what to do, just spit it out. Still, you could have been a lot cheesier with “empowerment anthem”; that line is easily crossed, and yet you were only somewhat cheesy, so props where they’re due! It’s a technically sound entry. @Temporal - Byzantine There’s conflicting language here, half of it is layered metaphors that could read like a double entendre (Like the Adam and Eve part), and others that are cheap references to the layered lines. (the “Jesus Christ!” one.) You really should’ve gone all out in one direction (Making a layered song that could be read in different ways, or a shockingly funny entry), but it just feels like, despite it not being technically bad, a luke warm mixture of two ideas not fully realized.
Kunst Posted June 13, 2018 Posted June 13, 2018 thanks @Hug and @Corsola <3 also, the P.D must have been a slip xd since P.D is how you note P.S in spanish (my native tongue) lol still glad it made you laugh ⭐️
Speezy Posted June 13, 2018 Posted June 13, 2018 I actually enjoy making it this far tbh. Plus this song was unique to me in a way cause it’s different thanks @Hug
ceremonials Posted June 13, 2018 Posted June 13, 2018 1 hour ago, Kunst said: thanks @Hug and @Corsola <3 also, the P.D must have been a slip xd since P.D is how you note P.S in spanish (my native tongue) lol still glad it made you laugh ⭐️ Wow, job.
ultraviolence.xx Posted June 14, 2018 Posted June 14, 2018 part 1 of 2 @Gastrodonatella gastrodonatella, “anger point” – this is some björk-ass ****. my skin is paling as i’m reading this. (edit: i typed this before i read the explanation, but you basically nailed it.) i’m not sure how the other judges will feel about this, because some of them may be more attached to meter/rhyme/etc. than i am, but i am presently unable to find my wig. it was there, and now it’s not. the imagery is absolutely gorgeous and the narrative progresses in an engaging way. the metaphor made sense exactly as you went on to describe it. i guess the one thing i wasn’t in love with was the use of “magma” too near its prior usage, at the end of the second… stanza? verse? paragraph?… and the beginning of the third. is corolla standing this too? i bet she is. @Kunst kunst, “rooster flight” – is your postdcript supposed to be some postmodern ironic addendum? ugh, your literary prowess, your mind. but moving on to the song itself – girl, what is all this forced rhymage? the intro got away with it (aside from the last line), but in the first verse, you are CLOCKING us with forced rhyme. it makes some of the imagery awkward and strange – eating lies, for example. on the plus side, i was scalped by the “to be means to be perceived / hope only works when it’s believed” couplet; i love sweeping sociological statements (whew, not to make it about me, but alliteration) like that. “prize/baptized” feels incredibly forced, but the last two lines of the bridge scalped me. in summary, this is a healthy mixture of good and slightly-weak that puts this middle-to-low in your discography so far for me personally. @minho minho, “sentimental” – "about the peculiar type of grief that is missing someone who never knew you yet shaped so much of your life” ok, bitch, this is about dolores o’riordan, isn’t it? “what if i found you / what if you were never really lost” is a scalp of a couplet. i love that the chorus is so gorgeous like that. whew. ok, but all the rainbow imagery – maybe it isn’t dolores o’riordan but rather someone gay/queer who killed themselves? hmmm, i guess it doesn’t matter much, does it. what DOES matter is the quality of this song, and it’s high. the rhyme of “belong/long” is kind of odd to me on paper, but it’d probably work if it were sung, so i don’t care about that too much. i love the way “blue” slant-rhymes with “mid-june” in the next line. the second halves of each verse, for whatever reason, are really incredibly strong for me. in summery (pun), i loved it. @Auburn auburn, “devotion of mine” – i’ve literally never heard the word “rive” before, so props to you for expanding my vocabularih. the chorus overall is a slay, and the bridge too emptied a few follicles, but the first half of the second verse feels very elementary and force-rhymed to me. that part, i think, is the weakest with all the A rhymes that feel forced. what i like about this song is it tells a good story in a relatively brief space, and it doesn’t sacrifice any uniqueness or charm for the sake of being short. i’m a fan. @Citrus citrus, “trash” – when i first looked at this, i thought the genre was trash. then i saw it was the title and read the song and understood. i do have to say that i don’t really appreciate you writing a song about, and naming a song after, me. the end of the third verse in particular is where that really shines through, and i think everyone can tell. i’m pretty upset. just because i’m a stupid bitch doesn’t mean you have to broadcast that to the world. @Speezy speedy, “sadity down” – whew @ you making me add a new word to my computer’s custom dictionary. every time i see this word, it’s like, i can’t read suddenly, i don’t know. i’m curious as to why you used this word that (i presume) nobody knows. is this actually a common slang term and i’m out of touch? i can’t tell. but i’m noticing some plural issues (you say “brown diamonds,” then refer to them as “it” where it should be “they repel,” things like that), which kind of makes me think you rushed through this? or maybe just didn’t give it a super deep edit? regardless, i like this entry and some of the images in it, particularly in the bridge, but i think i’ve definitely seen better from you in earlier rounds.
Speezy Posted June 14, 2018 Posted June 14, 2018 (edited) Well the word isn’t popular in a normal convo or in everyday life. So my faves husband leaked a song title back in February, one of them was “Sadity”. Then I looked the word up and it became stuck in my head ever since that day. Also there’s Sadiddy,Saditty,Sedity which is all variants of one another (Wow gender pronouns are shook). It basically means with arrogance or, conceited or superior, and snobbiness. Its was also popular term in R&B music in the 00’s. I had to send the links cause I knew no one (if any) would know what I was talking about if I used it And “down” was an add on like “Bitch put your pride down” + “Sit Down/Get Down” But I wrote two songs for this round but this one felt like it wasn’t in the need for sugar cubes (which appearntly it does need zjnfjeb) #BehindTheSexPen @ultraviolence.xx Edited June 14, 2018 by Speezy
ultraviolence.xx Posted June 14, 2018 Posted June 14, 2018 10 minutes ago, Speezy said: Well the word isn’t popular in a normal convo or in everyday life. So my faves husband leaked a song title back in February, one of them was “Sadity”. Then I looked the word up and it became stuck in my head ever since that day. Also there’s Sadiddy,Saditty,Sedity which is all variants of one another (Wow gender pronouns are shook). It basically means with arrogance or, conceited or superior, and snobbiness. Its was also popular term in R&B music in the 00’s. I had to send the links cause I knew no one (if any) would know what I was talking about if I used it And “down” was an add on like “Bitch put your pride down” + “Sit Down/Get Down” But I wrote two songs for this round but this one felt like it wasn’t in the need for sugar cubes (which appearntly it does need zjnfjeb) #BehindTheSexPen @ultraviolence.xx your fave as in j-sparks? where has she been tbh? can we talk about how walking on snow is one of the best pop songs of all time?
smholiv Posted June 14, 2018 Posted June 14, 2018 my song was about jonghyun, who (along with the entire group shinee) are not only my favourite artists of all time but have had such a deep-rooted profound impact on me over the past 5 years that I can't really articulate what they mean to me. So... it was a song about that and having to attempt to deal with the grief.
Speezy Posted June 14, 2018 Posted June 14, 2018 Just now, ultraviolence.xx said: your fave as in j-sparks? where has she been tbh? can we talk about how walking on snow is one of the best pop songs of all time? Shes been being a mom and a wife. WOS is that **** and so is Frankie Storms demo.
ultraviolence.xx Posted June 14, 2018 Posted June 14, 2018 4 minutes ago, Speezy said: Shes been being a mom and a wife. WOS is that **** and so is Frankie Storms demo. ? but also whew, i enjoyed this BTS look! 7 minutes ago, minho said: my song was about jonghyun, who (along with the entire group shinee) are not only my favourite artists of all time but have had such a deep-rooted profound impact on me over the past 5 years that I can't really articulate what they mean to me. So... it was a song about that and having to attempt to deal with the grief. i'm reading about it and
Auburn Posted June 14, 2018 Posted June 14, 2018 thanks uvie, "rive" is apparently "archaic" but I really liked the way it fit into the song and the meaning was what I needed so I decided to take a chance
ultraviolence.xx Posted June 14, 2018 Posted June 14, 2018 (edited) part 2 of 2 @UFO ufo, “dance in the rain” – i’m not sure how i feel about “pitter patter”; on one hand, it’s suggestive of rain, so i like the contrast that holds with the fire imagery around it, but it also feels kind of… juvenile? also, i’m not really in love with the last line of the intro; i feel like it’s kind of obvious already. tbh tho i’m like a mega-fan of the theme of this song – i love best-friend-or-more? stories) and the lyrics are really beautiful. “i wish to be taken by you” UFO serving sex, i’m here for it! the “rage” word choice in the second stanza of the first verse (or, i guess, the only verse hihi) felt odd… is it really rage? the grammar in the third-to-last bridge line is a bit whack. living for that rainbow imagery, YES rainbow YES pride month. wait, christ, this is a long song. eight-minute closer teas. WAIT BITCH. the plot twist in the outro. ugh. whew. emotions.mp3. ok, overall, this slayed me. wait. once again the bolding in your explanation is killing me. some implied homosexual themes. used to symbolize sexual intercourse. asjdfl;aksdhf bitch @Overprotected overprotected, “uptempo city number” – to be completely honest with you, i just don’t love this, and i’m having a really hard time figuring out why. it feels like a concept that’s really been done before, the extended metaphor of life in the city as a musical number, but none of the execution feels drastically overdone, it’s just the metaphor at large, i think. also the first two lines of the chorus feel like a forced rhyme – the word “segment” doesn’t feel natural there at all. also i’m not sure how i feel about the “out/out/out” rhyme. it’s not bad by any means, so i won’t be scoring it as such, it just feels more unoriginal, which is why it’s not one of my favorites from you. @ceremonials ceremonials, “goldenrod” – “it’s simply a song about a couple reminiscing on the life they could’ve had without kids” ok read me sis. wait… how does the sun never descend and twilight never end at the same time also, if you’re lying next to someone, doesn’t that guarantee they’ll be lying next to you, too? is it possible to lie next to someone and not have them lying next to you? also, staring into the sun is very bad for your eyes. (whew, coming for the semantics this round!) i do like the last couplet of the extended chorus. to be honest, i think this is one of your weaker entries that i’ve seen so far—i still like it, it just doesn’t hit me the way some of your other entries have and it feels less technically sound than what you’ve written in the past. @Kylie Jenner kylie jenner, “men” – please be a drag, please be a drag, please be a drag. what the hell is a spake? also what the hell are the last two lines of the chorus? aside from that the chorus is stunning, but those last two lines feel very forced. is “floating like a snake” a thing? it sounds like a simile you made up to rhyme asdkf. and then you make another “like a snake” (that works much better this time) in v2 jklfasdl i’m living. “a half-drunk grin/i confess my sin” whew, lyrics. i also love the “shedding his skin” line that ties into the snake metaphor earlier in the verse, that’s a major wig. “smitten, he wants me to be bitten” feels forced, too, and “seeking pity, i think it’s pretty.” “rattle ‘round for a rebel” whew the alliteration!! ok wig, i liked this WAY more than your entry last week. i love the story, the misandry, the lessened forced rhyme (though it still happens sometimes, as i’ve lain out above). i’m into it.mp3! @Achilles. achilles., “brave face” – i’m torn on this one. i love the verses, but i think because they’re so dark, the chorus seems insufferably bright by comparison. the bridge isn’t as bad, but the chorus reads like a cheesy p!nk-slash-katy-perry twelve-year-old empowerment anthem which isn’t really the tea for me. almost like nursery-rhyme-y; the rhymes are very elementary and the structure is simple and the subject matter is a bit corny to me. the first verse is my favorite part; the second suffers from some forced rhymes (“hold/old”). so, in summary, the verses are quite solid, but the chorus needs to go imo. @Temporal temporal, “byzantine” – i– in order of submission @Gastrodonatella @Citrus @UFO @Kylie Jenner @Temporal Edited June 14, 2018 by ultraviolence.xx
Kylie Jenner Posted June 14, 2018 Posted June 14, 2018 4 minutes ago, ultraviolence.xx said: part 2 of 2 @UFO Reveal hidden contents ufo, “dance in the rain” – i’m not sure how i feel about “pitter patter”; on one hand, it’s suggestive of rain, so i like the contrast that holds with the fire imagery around it, but it also feels kind of… juvenile? also, i’m not really in love with the last line of the intro; i feel like it’s kind of obvious already. tbh tho i’m like a mega-fan of the theme of this song – i love best-friend-or-more? stories) and the lyrics are really beautiful. “i wish to be taken by you” UFO serving sex, i’m here for it! the “rage” word choice in the second stanza of the first verse (or, i guess, the only verse hihi) felt odd… is it really rage? the grammar in the third-to-last bridge line is a bit whack. living for that rainbow imagery, YES rainbow YES pride month. wait, christ, this is a long song. eight-minute closer teas. WAIT BITCH. the plot twist in the outro. ugh. whew. emotions.mp3. ok, overall, this slayed me. wait. once again the bolding in your explanation is killing me. some implied homosexual themes. used to symbolize sexual intercourse. asjdfl;aksdhf bitch @Overprotected Reveal hidden contents overprotected, “uptempo city number” – to be completely honest with you, i just don’t love this, and i’m having a really hard time figuring out why. it feels like a concept that’s really been done before, the extended metaphor of life in the city as a musical number, but none of the execution feels drastically overdone, it’s just the metaphor at large, i think. also the first two lines of the chorus feel like a forced rhyme – the word “segment” doesn’t feel natural there at all. also i’m not sure how i feel about the “out/out/out” rhyme. it’s not bad by any means, so i won’t be scoring it as such, it just feels more unoriginal, which is why it’s not one of my favorites from you. @ceremonials Reveal hidden contents ceremonials, “goldenrod” – “it’s simply a song about a couple reminiscing on the life they could’ve had without kids” ok read me sis. wait… how does the sun never descend and twilight never end at the same time also, if you’re lying next to someone, doesn’t that guarantee they’ll be lying next to you, too? is it possible to lie next to someone and not have them lying next to you? also, staring into the sun is very bad for your eyes. (whew, coming for the semantics this round!) i do like the last couplet of the extended chorus. to be honest, i think this is one of your weaker entries that i’ve seen so far—i still like it, it just doesn’t hit me the way some of your other entries have and it feels less technically sound than what you’ve written in the past. @Kylie Jenner Reveal hidden contents kylie jenner, “men” – please be a drag, please be a drag, please be a drag. what the hell is a spake? also what the hell are the last two lines of the chorus? aside from that the chorus is stunning, but those last two lines feel very forced. is “floating like a snake” a thing? it sounds like a simile you made up to rhyme asdkf. and then you make another “like a snake” (that works much better this time) in v2 jklfasdl i’m living. “a half-drunk grin/i confess my sin” whew, lyrics. i also love the “shedding his skin” line that ties into the snake metaphor earlier in the verse, that’s a major wig. “smitten, he wants me to be bitten” feels forced, too, and “seeking pity, i think it’s pretty.” “rattle ‘round for a rebel” whew the alliteration!! ok wig, i liked this WAY more than your entry last week. i love the story, the misandry, the lessened forced rhyme (though it still happens sometimes, as i’ve lain out above). i’m into it.mp3! @Achilles. Reveal hidden contents achilles., “brave face” – i’m torn on this one. i love the verses, but i think because they’re so dark, the chorus seems insufferably bright by comparison. the bridge isn’t as bad, but the chorus reads like a cheesy p!nk-slash-katy-perry twelve-year-old empowerment anthem which isn’t really the tea for me. almost like nursery-rhyme-y; the rhymes are very elementary and the structure is simple and the subject matter is a bit corny to me. the first verse is my favorite part; the second suffers from some forced rhymes (“hold/old”). so, in summary, the verses are quite solid, but the chorus needs to go imo. @Temporal Reveal hidden contents temporal, “byzantine” – i– in order of submission @Gastrodonatella @Citrus @UFO @Kylie Jenner @Temporal float like a snake is a phrase because venomous snakes expand their lungs in water and therefore float, other snakes dont
ultraviolence.xx Posted June 14, 2018 Posted June 14, 2018 Just now, Kylie Jenner said: float like a snake is a phrase because venomous snakes expand their lungs in water and therefore float, other snakes dont ah! well, regardless, having it right before the snake in v2 feels too close. but that makes sense now!
ceremonials Posted June 14, 2018 Posted June 14, 2018 oh wow this entry serving polarizing @ultraviolence.xx it was basically just like... the idea that they could still be together in their memories, but the narrator questions whether their partner's mind takes them to the same "place", or if they've moved on.That was my logic in the lines you pointed out, other than the staring into the sun one.
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