Hug Posted April 19, 2018 Posted April 19, 2018 Spoiler @Auburn: One thing that really bothers me about this is your pauses between thoughts. The whole first verse gives off this impression that you’re pausing mid-sentence to inhale or something. Besides that, I really can’t tell what this is about at all. Taking it at face value, it just seems like someone literally floating in space, which makes for good imagery, but tells me nothing. I’d like to know what this is about so I can give a more fair judgement on that part. I know you had some writer’s block this week, but still, I would’ve liked to have maybe a bit more, you could make the first and second verse one verse, then add four more lines after the third verse, and make those the second. You could then end it off with a bridge, which could also be around 4 lines, and that’d suffice. The title of your song is really interesting...I’ve never heard the word “bedouin” before, and assuming the song is about travelling through space,then it’s quite a unique way of using it. cba adding to my original post
Hug Posted April 19, 2018 Posted April 19, 2018 Idk if anyone is gonna submit while I'm sleep, but sorry if you do x I'm going to bed now
Auburn Posted April 19, 2018 Posted April 19, 2018 3 minutes ago, Hug said: Hide contents @Auburn: One thing that really bothers me about this is your pauses between thoughts. The whole first verse gives off this impression that you’re pausing mid-sentence to inhale or something. Besides that, I really can’t tell what this is about at all. Taking it at face value, it just seems like someone literally floating in space, which makes for good imagery, but tells me nothing. I’d like to know what this is about so I can give a more fair judgement on that part. I know you had some writer’s block this week, but still, I would’ve liked to have maybe a bit more, you could make the first and second verse one verse, then add four more lines after the third verse, and make those the second. You could then end it off with a bridge, which could also be around 4 lines, and that’d suffice. The title of your song is really interesting...I’ve never heard the word “bedouin” before, and assuming the song is about travelling through space,then it’s quite a unique way of using it. cba adding to my original post thanks for the feedback, what I was trying to imagine was a post-apocalyptic world where the sun ran out of energy and everything was cold and dark, so humans sent one man out thru the galaxy to search for a new inhabitable planet. It was literally the ONLY way I could find to force words out of my brain
RihsusChrist(ATG) Posted April 19, 2018 Posted April 19, 2018 6 hours ago, Hug said: @RihsusChrist(ATG): So “knowed” is apparently a word, but it sounds completely forced for rhyme-sake. “Knew” is what people would typically say in context. With that out of the way, it took me a couple reads to get what you were going for. I feel like your entry was both an ode to the fast-life of Miami, and a tale of a woman who got too caught up in it, which ended tragically. I can appreciate the duality of it, conceptually, yet the execution throws me off. Particularly, it’s the lack of technical polish. The meter you have doesn’t seem to stick for long, so it’s hard to tell how it would sound. 7/12/9/3 and 10/9/9/11 meters in the first verse alone is...jarring, to say the least. I would pick a meter and stick to it, since we can’t really hear what you hear in your head, it’s a lot easier to have a tangible rhythm to pick up on. I think if you get that down, you’ll easily stand out since it’s clear you have interesting concepts and ideas. "Knowed" is used in the Southern US sometimes, so it felt appropriate in a song titled 'Miami' Other that that it's a fair review ...so do I need to stress match my verses and stress my syllables, so y'all understand where I'm coming from in my head? I just don't want to lose the emotional aspect of a song, trying to make it look technically pretty.
Galah Posted April 19, 2018 Author Posted April 19, 2018 OK, back to reviews. Going to do them semi-standard this round and we'll see who is interested and who isn't.
Hug Posted April 19, 2018 Posted April 19, 2018 6 hours ago, Auburn said: thanks for the feedback, what I was trying to imagine was a post-apocalyptic world where the sun ran out of energy and everything was cold and dark, so humans sent one man out thru the galaxy to search for a new inhabitable planet. It was literally the ONLY way I could find to force words out of my brain OMG so I wasn't even wrong okay wig. I'm glad you sent in at all so we could see you in the next round (hopefully) 5 hours ago, RihsusChrist(ATG) said: "Knowed" is used in the Southern US sometimes, so it felt appropriate in a song titled 'Miami' Other that that it's a fair review ...so do I need to stress match my verses and stress my syllables, so y'all understand where I'm coming from in my head? I just don't want to lose the emotional aspect of a song, trying to make it look technically pretty. Is it? I'm from the North so I wouldn't know, tbh. Having a more easily-tangible meter does help when all we get is lyrics on a screen. I don't think it'd be impossible for you to have both, either. I would say that if you're going for a fun song, technicality becomes a lot more important, whereas you could maybe rely on emotional impact for emotional songs. In an ideal world you'd have both, but that's my general view of it!
Auburn Posted April 19, 2018 Posted April 19, 2018 2 hours ago, Hug said: OMG so I wasn't even wrong okay wig. I'm glad you sent in at all so we could see you in the next round (hopefully) the next rounds should be easier for me cuz once I have a prompt, its easier to go back to it and think of more ideas when I'm left to write alone... ch
Galah Posted April 19, 2018 Author Posted April 19, 2018 48 minutes ago, Auburn said: the next rounds should be easier for me cuz once I have a prompt, its easier to go back to it and think of more ideas when I'm left to write alone... ch OK but relatable. Having some kind of prompt is always helpful. Not saying whether or not there will be another free zone this season, but sometimes it helps to "make your own challenge" if that makes sense? Find something to draw inspiration from and stick to that. I know that's essentially what you kinda did, but going into the challenge with that mindset from the beginning is always helpful imo.
Auburn Posted April 19, 2018 Posted April 19, 2018 17 minutes ago, Aurora said: OK but relatable. Having some kind of prompt is always helpful. Not saying whether or not there will be another free zone this season, but sometimes it helps to "make your own challenge" if that makes sense? Find something to draw inspiration from and stick to that. I know that's essentially what you kinda did, but going into the challenge with that mindset from the beginning is always helpful imo. Yeah and I know it's probably worse because I'm inexperienced, it will come with time
Galah Posted April 19, 2018 Author Posted April 19, 2018 The Oceanic division of Platinum Records has recently had some work done to its HQ. We can't wait to unveil our new sign!
swiftie13 Posted April 19, 2018 Posted April 19, 2018 So far the South American market has proved a healthy one, many singles are pulling in great numbers.
Hug Posted April 19, 2018 Posted April 19, 2018 Hugboard went bankrupt and hired a 12 year old Minecraft YouTuber to do the graphic design for its site.
Kylie Jenner Posted April 19, 2018 Posted April 19, 2018 Just now, Hug said: Hugboard went bankrupt and hired a 12 year old Minecraft YouTuber to do the graphic design for its site. Was it @Crazy kid
swiftie13 Posted April 19, 2018 Posted April 19, 2018 2 minutes ago, Hug said: Hugboard went bankrupt and hired a 12 year old Minecraft YouTuber to do the graphic design for its site. We need to start collecting revenue from song sales ASAP.
ATRL Moderator Tsareena Posted April 19, 2018 ATRL Moderator Posted April 19, 2018 4 minutes ago, Gastrodonatella said: ph12's theme is roleplaying
Crazy kid Posted April 19, 2018 Posted April 19, 2018 20 minutes ago, Kylie Jenner said: Was it @Crazy kid Mess Cersei
Hug Posted April 19, 2018 Posted April 19, 2018 7 minutes ago, Gastrodonatella said: it was an observation not an endorsement we don't stan roleplaying You play role playing games and don't even...role play in them?
touya kinomoto Posted April 19, 2018 Posted April 19, 2018 Excited. Perched for at least a top 10 debut in Tuvalu and Tonga!
swiftie13 Posted April 19, 2018 Posted April 19, 2018 The South American headquarters are understaffed.
Galah Posted April 19, 2018 Author Posted April 19, 2018 May or may not have finished listening to everyone's songs and calculating preliminary PHU values, but the Oceanic branch staff have requested we boost our social media presence and marketing, so full reviews are coming this week and this week only, unless you subscribe to our weekly newsletter. 10/28 songs have been tabulated, I'll get back to work on the rest in a few hours.
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