tournament PLATINUM HIT 11▴ congratulations aurora ♛

[Kelp]

1 minute ago, Jackson said:

You obviously never read my political smash #1 hit "Berlin" from last season! 

Okay I'm disappointed, do you know how much effort I put into that post and this is your reply

[Jackson]

4 minutes ago, Lémur said:

Okay I'm disappointed, do you know how much effort I put into that post and this is your reply

I proved that I'm more woke than you and that discredits the entire post  

[Jackson]

OK I need to take an hour long train ride to go get a textbook so I'll try to write reviews during that

[Kelp]

Just now, Jackson said:

I proved that I'm more woke than you and that discredits the entire post  

Well you stan Katy so it's a given that you're woke

[Speezy]

4 hours ago, UFO said:

Wait @Speezy wrote about shadows having sex? OMG WHAT KIND OF LEGEND     come thru sis!    

 Me, You and our silhouettes 

[ultraviolence.xx]

11 hours ago, Jackson said:

@ultraviolence.xx - timepiece

First of all, I’d just like to say that I’m kind of surprised at how good this is for a debut entry. I have no doubt that you’re going to end up being a force in this competition. You already have a good sense of imagery and meter, which takes some people a long time to develop. I like how you played with the structure of the song a bit, adding the extra line at the end of the second stanza. Still, there were parts of the song, such as the prechorus, where it felt as though the structure of the song took over, voiding any sense of personality. “Falsify” seems a little wordy for a traditional song, and felt contrived to fit into the rhyme scheme of the song. Still, great job overall. 

OK jackson **** YOU for complimenting me. you have no right to do something like that. your role here is as a judge, to give constructive feedback, not to give praise. honestly disgusted that you would come in here and say something like that. 

 

also you're surprised that it's good? what, did you think my entry would be ****? is that the expectation you have after seeing me around here? wow honestly so rude.

 

and you're really gonna criticize my word choice? i'm sorry that you're so hare-brained, you don't know how to define words. i'll try to make them nice  and  short  for  you. is that better?

 

/s

 

in all seriousness, thank you for your comments  

 

and thanks to the the others who are stanning, wow, slay me

[Jackson]

Mess at gassy donny having so much impact this season already 

[ultraviolence.xx]

also @UFO i live for your essays and for your beautiful creative brain

[Citrus]

Done w/one review!!! 39 to go!

[Hug]

3 minutes ago, Citrus said:

Done w/one review!!! 39 to go!

Time for a break!

[ultraviolence.xx]

13 minutes ago, Citrus said:

Done w/one review!!! 39 to go!

 

10 minutes ago, Hug said:

Time for a break!

 

[Citrus]

In all likelihood at least half of your songs will be scored while I'm in my bathtub

 

[Citrus]

my first 10 reviews on the next page xo

[ultraviolence.xx]

5 minutes ago, Citrus said:

my first 10 reviews on the next page xo

it's the next page xo

[Citrus]

 

CitRuviews - Batch 1

 

Uvie – Timepiece

 

The title is cute, the no capitalization is a lil too indie dream girl for my taste but do you. This is all really cute and soft emotive Florence Welch tea, but “release a sigh” is gross and awkward. “I have not” is clunky; pretty much anything that can be contracted in a song, you should contract. Should be “heat is harsh *as* early june” but I attribute that to a typo. That being said, maybe I’m dumb but what is this song about? Is it just the narrator loving someone but being afraid to tell them their feelings? I think that’s what it is. If so, that topic is blasé so I commend you on dressing it up so it reads as fresh.

 

Lemur - Untitled

 

The first line immediately reads as tumblr poetry. I don’t think there’s anything explicitly wrong with this aside from some clunky lines (psalm, youth, and shame lines), but, overall, this doesn’t hit as hard because there’s no focus. General “things are bad” songs don’t usually work very well. Bob Dylan’s “Blowin’ in the Wind” works because it covers some of the issues of the time but offers a hopeful message and has a response. This just reads like a pretty laundry list.

 

UFO - Black Sun

 

Please don’t include cover art in the PMs. All the songs are in a massive doc and it just means I have to scroll more. Not sure what you mean by falling in all your ocean blue. If you meant ocean blue eyes you should’ve made blue plural. I HATE “I have the ocean blues”, that reads like a popsicle stick joke: “What does the Jazz musician in Florida have?”. Yikes. Anyways, this was cute, I normally have trouble getting into these Lyyke Li teas but I was living a bit. Some of your lines focus so much on abstractness that they lose impact because of their ~art~ but I know you’ve gotten that critique before. Try to remember your audience is stoopid.

 

KatyCatPH - Out of my Mind

 

Okay but I SCREAMED at the randomness of “You’re looking good as always, that’s nice”. I get the meaning behind the line, a kind of ‘I’m glad you’re still doing well’ vibe but that phrasing is awkward as hell girl. Same @ “Like Celine told me, my heart will go on”. References have to be done VERY carefully in songs for this game, and I know that because Jackson continuously dragged me for mine when I played. These kinds of references make the song seem less serious and more surface level/humorous, which is fine but it throws off the more somber tone you set out with at the start. Work on keeping a consistent tone and making sure the lines flow together well. Read it out loud to yourself before sending to make sure there’s a natural rhythm.

 

Hug - Ms. Andry

 

I LOVED the flow and punchiness of the first verse, I could just hear the dirty synths in the background and the sound of Chanel snorting a line. I think “All the boys want a night” could just be a more simple “Come with me tonight” because the all the boys part is slightly out of place. Also should be “A scarlet bitch don’t lie”, gotta keep up your attitude with colloquialisms. Chorus slays but last couplet shoulda been about ****ing in the moonlight tbh. You missed some marks for even harder hitting lines but I still stanned, 8/10 would LS to in at least 3 inch heels.

 

skywonderfactory - Midnight Sun

 

What’s a stripped match of nude? “I’m not as simple as complexity may be” is a CHOICE, that sentence serves philosophy thesis topic. The biggest issues here are 1) lack of focus and 2) poor flow. The way to address these is to make sure that your words are working toward the event, feeling, or whatever you are trying to convey. Make sure each line is adding something to that final picture. And, like I say to everyone, just read it out loud at a normal pace. Have someone else read it, too, if you already have the flow in mind. We can’t hear riffs, long notes, descants, etc, so we read it at a quick and brisk pace so it has to flow to someone who is reading it cold for the first time. Work on those two things and the rest will come easier.

 

Gastrodonatella - whatever the title is

 

Not gonna go on the mommy thing but just know I pretty much agree with the others. Mother probably would’ve worked best. You didn’t get as much time to flesh this out because it’s a shorter song, and I think it suffered because of that. It’s good, don’t get me wrong, but we only got bits of the story as opposed to the full picture. Nice quick allusions to the abuse and stuff though, those help. The last line about being forgiven feels slightly out of place because we haven’t gotten inside the narrator’s guilt much in the rest of the song. You have a good sense of relationships, just work on making them clearer and adding more nuance to them once you have more space to write.

 

keshaspearsxo - Little Rose

 

Pls don’t send cover art thx. This is the first Pears song I’ve read actually! I like the desert imagery and all that, but there are a handful of lines that are just a syllable or two off. Avoiding your thorns, As I finally, I’d lost you it’d seem (should’ve been it seemED), etc. They aren’t bad lines, just disrupt the reading a tad. It’s a serviceable love song for sure, it just doesn’t feel terribly fresh because the idea of a desert rose isn’t new. But it’s pretty well written!

 

OreGuy - Running out of Time

 

…Of is a no. “****, are you acting dumb again” is too dialogue-y to fit into a song this short and without context and character building. So the schtick of the song is that natural disasters are occurring until the other person can admit their love for the narrator. It’s a cute imagery idea, but it’s not executed very well. You need to use metaphor and analogy – “My earth is shaking at the thought of you / Forests die under your blaring sun // My world will crumble before the morning dew / You’re a disaster of a love”. Like, I’m not saying those couplets are good or anything because I just wrote them in 15 seconds but something more in that direction. There has to be a connection between the object and the emotion/person you’re connecting it to. “Thinking tidal waves” doesn’t make sense because there’s no inherent connection between the mind and the tides. And if there isn’t a sitting connection that we would all get, you have to make one in your song, which you did not.

 

@ultraviolence.xx

@Lémur

@UFO

@KatyCatPH

@Hug

@skwonderfactory

@Gastrodonatella

@keshaspearsxo

@OreGuy

[Citrus]

13 minutes ago, Gastrodonatella said:

my song was worse than the original and you're the one who wrote the original   

To be fair, I don't think anyone is expecting people to surpass them (not that those songs are infallible, either). Plus you're basically in challenge mode because (AFAIK) I'm kinda the only PH successful person who writes the way I do. Hence why I'm not a popular collab partner. 

[Citrus]

I did half of batch 2, will post that tonight probs. Batches 3 and 3.5 tomorrow. If you have questions on a critique, @ me pls

[ultraviolence.xx]

3 minutes ago, Citrus said:

Uvie – Timepiece

 

The title is cute, the no capitalization is a lil too indie dream girl for my taste but do you. This is all really cute and soft emotive Florence Welch tea, but “release a sigh” is gross and awkward. “I have not” is clunky; pretty much anything that can be contracted in a song, you should contract. Should be “heat is harsh *as* early june” but I attribute that to a typo. That being said, maybe I’m dumb but what is this song about? Is it just the narrator loving someone but being afraid to tell them their feelings? I think that’s what it is. If so, that topic is blasé so I commend you on dressing it up so it reads as fresh.

lmaooo thanks sis the caps is just what i do everywhere but i can start capitalizing my entries if it's a big deal 

 

i said harsh in early june cuz i'm setting it in june, i didn't even intend to make it a metaphor but slay i guess, i love it

 

you got the topic! and then at the end the narrator is starting to get somewhere and i leave it on a cliffhanger cuz i'm mean  

 

thank you for your comments!  

[Citrus]

2 minutes ago, ultraviolence.xx said:

lmaooo thanks sis the caps is just what i do everywhere but i can start capitalizing my entries if it's a big deal 

 

i said harsh in early june cuz i'm setting it in june, i didn't even intend to make it a metaphor but slay i guess, i love it

 

you got the topic! and then at the end the narrator is starting to get somewhere and i leave it on a cliffhanger cuz i'm mean  

 

thank you for your comments!  

n I thought the caps as a stylistic flourish. I don't care either way. If you wanna set it in June, it just wasn't super clear I guess. Your first line in that verse is a simile, so the mind just kinda reads that the second should be, as well, since they're both "You/yours" statements. Anaphora usually leans into sentence structure and composition repetition, too, so just be mindful of that as you write.

 

you're bright as fire beneath the moon

your heat is harsh in early june

 

 

[ultraviolence.xx]

8 minutes ago, Citrus said:

n I thought the caps as a stylistic flourish. I don't care either way. If you wanna set it in June, it just wasn't super clear I guess. Your first line in that verse is a simile, so the mind just kinda reads that the second should be, as well, since they're both "You/yours" statements. Anaphora usually leans into sentence structure and composition repetition, too, so just be mindful of that as you write.

 

you're bright as fire beneath the moon

your heat is harsh in early june

 

 

that's a great point! 

[Jackson]

I have 12 more rihviews ready for rihlease 

[ultraviolence.xx]

4 minutes ago, Jackson said:

I have 12 more rihviews ready for rihlease 

what a rihsponsible host 

[Glassmouth]

17 minutes ago, Jackson said:

I have 12 more rihviews ready for rihlease 

rihlease them

[Jackson]

5 minutes ago, Glassmouth said:

rihlease them

OK, but I rihfuse to have them on the same page as Citrus's xoxo

[Glassmouth]

2 minutes ago, Jackson said:

OK, but I rihfuse to have them on the same page as Citrus's xoxo

messy