tournament PLATINUM HIT 11▴ congratulations aurora ♛

[UFO]

1 minute ago, Speezy said:

Lowkey yes the judges will skim through us like they skip songs on their playlists

ffffffffff  

 

this is why I always try to send not too early but not too late

 

[Hug]

4 minutes ago, Speezy said:

Lowkey yes the judges will skim through us like they skip songs on their playlists

I meannnnnn this is exactly why I rush release most of my entries. Judges are less fatigued so I'll get better feedback.  

[Glassmouth]

i'm perched for reviews 

[UFO]

5 minutes ago, Hug said:

I meannnnnn this is exactly why I rush release most of my entries. Judges are less fatigued so I'll get better feedback.  

Nnnn I'm glad I'm not the only one who does this!   now everyone's gonna submit early next round fff

 

Edited August 26, 2017 by UFO

[Galah]

18 minutes ago, ultraviolence.xx said:

it's okay, it happens! excited to hear from the others too. awesome to get feedback regardless 

That's the thing to remember. One early review – good or bad – isn't necessarily always indicative of the other judges' opinions!

 

14 minutes ago, SaintWest said:

let me read your song. my pms are waiting for you with open hands....and open legs. 

Lemme slide into your DMs real quick.

[touya kinomoto]

I like reading through the comments even though they are not for my song. I know I can learn a thing or two from those.

[Speezy]

9 minutes ago, UFO said:

ffffffffff  

 

this is why I always try to send not too early but not too late

 

 

7 minutes ago, Hug said:

I meannnnnn this is exactly why I rush release most of my entries. Judges are less fatigued so I'll get better feedback.  

I mean when I first started this game I would start it like a few days before the deadline  But I always found errors or made a new song and resent them.

But I kinda love being in Batch 4/Last Batch only cause it grew on me  

[SaintWest]

oh...... sorry girls. i just read @Aurora's song and she winnin 

[ultraviolence.xx]

3 minutes ago, SaintWest said:

oh...... sorry girls. i just read @Aurora's song and she winnin 

no lies spotted  

[ceremonials]

batch three

@Nait Phoenix, “untitled”

 

Okay, so there’s...not a lot here.The lines are incredibly short and don’t really pack the punch to make up for it, individually. But when you combine some of them to form a more normal structure (like I did with my favorite couplet at the bottom of this review), it actually reads significantly better. I know the original had very short lines as well (Jackson used to do that a lot I think), and while that was a cute, somewhat easily missed allusion to the original, they were a bit… too short. The awkward pauses the line breaks forms really took away from what impact they could’ve had, though I’m sure if I heard them in a song with melodies and instrumentals, it would make more sense. It’s just not as practical on paper.  It did leave me wanting to hear more from you, which I think is mostly a good thing, but it also left me slightly unfulfilled.

 

That said, what you do have content-wise is quite good. It’s not exactly much of  a departure from the original, but it doesn’t have to be. However, you’re usually pretty conceptually vivid from what I’ve seemed and this seemed...toned down for your writing. Similar to Hug’s song, you did good at emulating your song/artist, but at the same time lost yourself in the process. As well as other contestants, I think I would’ve also appreciated an expanded version of this, because while there is a lot to love about this piece, there could have been more. This was of course one of the requirements of the challenge (the length), so I won’t be docking you because it’s short. It’s a real challenge to have a really compelling and complete narrative in less than 250 words, but this was a lot shorter than the other entries, for better or worse.

 

Overall, I think you did a good job and emulating Siren Song. It sometimes felt like a cover, but never quite lost that “Nait Phoenix” flare. It suffers from a lot of the same problems that a lot of people struggled with this week, but I know what you’re capable of. Give me more next week. More words, more lines, More Nait.

 

Favorite Couplet: “Waves come and go yet always remain / I see the patterns forming, closer and closer, they’re always the same”

 

@Speezy, “Shadows Can’t Come”

 

That title GORL. Well, I think this suffers from what some of your entries have suffered from in the past - and that’s just a lack of polish. It felt a little undone, unedited, and with a few very minor changes it could have been greatly elevated. Still, what you do have conceptually is actually really quite interesting??? Like who thought a song about shadows ****ing would work on any level? It doesn’t seem like something I’d like, but strangely, it kinda works. It’s a pretty messy concept but the execution is pretty spot on, albeit with a few grammatical errors.

 

I didn’t really pick up on Drowned in Neon until you brought it up at the end, so the inspiration is admittedly somewhat shaky - but I think the fact that you dared to go ahead with this concept is pretty admirable. It was a risk, but I think for the most part it actually paid off, so props. I’m trying to pinpoint what lines specifically I want you to work on, but I feel like a lot of them just need very minor changes so going over all of them would seem...extra? I don’t know, PM me if you want a more indepth review on what I mean. But I know there are a lot of people who would be willing to read your songs and help you out as well.

 

Overall, you’ve shown GREAT growth from when we first competed together (in like S8 I think), and your ambition is really inspiring. The tenacity Keep it up, your hard work is paying off, at least for me, but it still needs some polishing.

 

Favorite Couplet: “There are more details that they can’t recreate / It’s just some things that silhouettes can’t imitate”

 

@Glassmouth, “Angel”

 

Okay, y’all are trying it with these ARTPOP structures I know it wasn’t a full song, but that doesnt mean all structure and meter and rhyme scheme go out the window. (Not saying this necessarily applies to you though, not all those three things anyway!) Your rhyme scheme was definitely questionable, though. There were for some very loose rhymes but for the most part, it didn’t really rhyme at all, apart from when you rhyme me with me in the chorus (bitch). Contrary to popular opinion not all good or well-written songs have to rhyme - this was even a challenge last season - but it does help your reader form a more logical cadence in their head, and if you’re going for a structure like this, rhyming is almost vital, otherwise it comes off as extremely choppy.

 

In spite of these shortcomings mechanically though, this was definitely the more compelling entries conceptually. Though I don’t know how high that bar is since people and especially newcomers tend to play it safe in Round 1, I still think this was a very ambitious choice of subject matter. And it’s not handled in the most perfect manner mind you, but I think it about hits the mark. The inspiration for Drowned in Neon is pretty loose if we’re being honest, and that was fine, but that “neon” line you slipped in there made it feel a bit too shoehorned.

 

This is the first song I’ve read from you, but you seem to be a concept writer, and I love that. I hope to see even more provocative concepts from you in the future, but what you need to do most is refine your writing mechanically so you can effectively and succinctly portray these narratives in a way your audience can understand and enjoy.

 

Favorite Couplet: “Psychopathic being, ride the illusion with me / Or I’ll find somebody with a black heart like me”

 

@FCKNAmbrosia, “Only Afflicted Time Escapes From The Quicksand of Oblivion”

 

Okay bitch, was this planned out so if you looked at the text it would like an hourglass made of words? WIG if that’s true, because it low key does (with a few tumors here and there n). Okay now onto the song. That entire first hook needs to go tbh, or at least the latter half. I don’t know what it is, but it feels like a mix of cliche and forced that (most of) the rest of the song just doesn’t have, so it sticks out even more. On the topic, that black slime line was one hell of a reach.

 

Apart from that though, I’m not sure I can poke many holes in this. The lines are poetic, concise, and have a nice length unlike many songs this week, It’s not the biggest departure from the original - there’s a few cute allusions here and there, but again, I think this is just something that can be attributed to using the time motif. Though it did feel a tiny bit soulless at times. What I mean by that is that sometimes it felt like you were putting lines in just because they sounded pretty or went along with the time motif, rather than because they added to the narrative. It has a very similar tone to the original though, which (in my opinion) was just as if not more soulless.

 

Overall, I think you’re starting starting off Season 11 strong, coming off several successes in the previous (half) season. You have a very specific writing style, and it can be extra at times, but most of its shortcomings can be attributed to the fact that you attempt to more with your songs than the average player. And though you might not always achieve everything you set out to accomplish with one song, the fact that you dare to make us question things like this is what makes you such a compelling and unique writer.

 

Favorite Couplet: “Then you turned back and disappeared into the Sun / Beginning a new life, as mine came undone”

 

[ceremonials]

messssss at that only being four. ok work

[Glassmouth]

13 minutes ago, ceremonials said:

@Glassmouth, “Angel Dust”

 

Okay, y’all are trying it with these ARTPOP structures I know it wasn’t a full song, but that doesnt mean all structure and meter and rhyme scheme go out the window. (Not saying this necessarily applies to you though, not all those three things anyway!) Your rhyme scheme was definitely questionable, though. There were for some very loose rhymes but for the most part, it didn’t really rhyme at all, apart from when you rhyme me with me in the chorus (bitch). Contrary to popular opinion not all good or well-written songs have to rhyme - this was even a challenge last season - but it does help your reader form a more logical cadence in their head, and if you’re going for a structure like this, rhyming is almost vital, otherwise it comes off as extremely choppy.

 

In spite of these shortcomings mechanically though, this was definitely the more compelling entries conceptually. Though I don’t know how high that bar is since people and especially newcomers tend to play it safe in Round 1, I still think this was a very ambitious choice of subject matter. And it’s not handled in the most perfect manner mind you, but I think it about hits the mark. The inspiration for Drowned in Neon is pretty loose if we’re being honest, and that was fine, but that “neon” line you slipped in there made it feel a bit too shoehorned.

 

This is the first song I’ve read from you, but you seem to be a concept writer, and I love that. I hope to see even more provocative concepts from you in the future, but what you need to do most is refine your writing mechanically so you can effectively and succinctly portray these narratives in a way your audience can understand and enjoy.

 

Favorite Couplet: “Psychopathic being, ride the illusion with me / Or I’ll find somebody with a black heart like me”

I used the neon dream line to represent a club (like how in drowned in neon everything happens in a club with neon lights and stuff, like, the character is in a club, that's why the 'noise that drowns my screams' line is there (represents the loud music) but i didn't want to make it too on-the-nose because it's really not important for the whole 'concept' of the guy being super drugged; thank you for your review, Ceremonials, I will take the rhyme advice and try to make something more enjoyable next round  

Edited August 26, 2017 by Glassmouth

[SaintWest]

how many more until my review @ceremonials ?

[ceremonials]

2 minutes ago, SaintWest said:

how many more until my review @ceremonials ?

a couple of batches at least

 

submit earlier fat

[ausdaniel]

Oh there's judgements already. I submitted pretty late so I think I'll be waiting a while

[OreGuy]

omg thanks for the review sis  @ceremonials 

 

also I got the idea of running out of time since I joined like two days before the deadline and I have exams the following day. I think that's why I didn't mind the imagery and just throw bunch of disasters that could happen in an apocalypse and wanting it to work as a whole.  

[SaintWest]

20 minutes ago, ceremonials said:

a couple of batches at least

 

submit earlier fat

review faster fat

[OreGuy]

I also appreciate the lengthy reviews, you go @ceremonials  

[Jackson]

who else is bopping @URBAN

 

 

[ultraviolence.xx]

2 minutes ago, Jackson said:

who else is bopping @URBAN

 

 

im too busy looking at what they made her do 

[Jackson]

Plot twist: I started writing reviews (but I'm also going to bed soon)

[Galah]

1 minute ago, Jackson said:

Plot twist: I started writing reviews (but I'm also going to bed soon)

Stan for the Norwegian legend.

 

 

[Jackson]

13 minutes ago, Gastrodonatella said:

 

 

yeah but when do i actually do what i say i will

[Nait Phoenix]

"untitled?" Did I not call it "Overboard" in my message!? 

[Jackson]

7 minutes ago, Nait Phoenix said:

"untitled?" Did I not call it "Overboard" in my message!? 

Oh, you did in your PM title, I guess I just didn't see when I copied over the text of the PM