tournament PLATINUM HIT 11▴ congratulations aurora ♛

[SaintWest]

8 minutes ago, Gastrodonatella said:

how did i "catch up" when i noticed what he meant from the beginning  you caught up, i was just ahead of the game  

You caught up to the fact that I didn't notice what he meant.  

 

[Aurora]

me whenever i listen to hillside boys

 

[SaintWest]

someone played say my name by tove stryrke in dub last night and it was the first time i heard it and i'm still shook

 

 

[Aurora]

4 minutes ago, SaintWest said:

someone played say my name by tove stryrke in dub last night and it was the first time i heard it and i'm still shook

 

 

someone? put respek on my name

[SaintWest]

I love our elderly community!

 

 

 

[Aurora]

playing say my name in dub right now @SaintWest come get ur life

[Jackson]

 

@Gastrodonatella – Chorus of Silence

Wow the Witness refrence. I liked your structure here. It reminded me of my underrated song The Man That I’ve Become in ways. In ways, the structure was both successful and unsuccessful. The way you used a different metaphor in each stanza was inventive, and the fact that they all related back to one central theme was a good thing, but I think the concept would have been stronger if they were more congruent in tone. Most of the stanzas are subdued and highly conceptual, while a couple in the second verse are a lot blunter (the snake and dagger ones especially) in way that made them stick out.

 

 

@Hug – Favela

Ever since I saw the title to this earlier this week I was curious as to what you actually wrote about. I loved the lines “she works day and night she claws to survive/but she can’t keep scratching forever”. The titular line was a bit messy, but I get that (or at least I’m hoping this is what you were going for) it’s meant to make it sound more nursery rhyme-ish, but it’s still weird for this song. I loved the middle eight and the way you utilized repetition in a creative way. And I’m glad the narrative of the song was fairly straightforward with a nice ending, instead of relying on some twisted plot twist for dramatic effect.

 

 

@minho – Black Hole

I like you structure, especially your rhyme scheme. The AABC structure draws attention to the final line in each stanza more than a more conventional rhyme scheme would, which is cool. I know the point of the round is to not have a chorus, but a repetition of the hook (with slight variations) would have both made its presence as a hook more significant and provided more of a sense of closure to the song. I guess my biggest concern with the song is something I’ve noticed a couple times with you in that the song is incredibly vague. I tend to make an assumption about your songs to fill in the blanks and you typically clock me, but I’d rather be clocked within the lyrics of the song instead of having to ask.

 

 

@SaintWest – Patterns

Stardust appropriation SPOTTED. I found the “drawing in the sand” simile to be odd, since both tracing fingers in the sky and the sand are pretty much the same thing. It’s like saying “the great dane ran like a greyhound”. The “patterns in the sky” line was cute and had nice imagery, but what does it mean? The freckles stanza in the bridge was quite cute, it would have been a good idea to use bodily patterns more frequently throughout the song to strengthen the titular imagery.

 

 

@ultraviolence.xx – white heat

“musty” is NOT a cute word to use in a song. I appreciate that you changed up your style a bit and tried to go with a more narrative oriented piece, but this didn’t feel as smooth or polished as your previous work. When we told you to venture out, the main point was to continue using your strengths in conjunction with trying new styles, while it feels like you flat out abandoned your strengths here. I did love the concept, but there were quite a few awkward lines here, from “musty” to “kind employee” to “lovely buzz” to “thoughts astray”. Overall, it seemed kind of rushed, and the verse after verse structure with no changes throughout was a bit tiring. I’d love to see a concept like this married with your typical polished style. This just wasn’t executed great.

 

 

@Aurora – Confessions

Interestingly, I didn’t really get “rap” song from this until I scrolled down to read your commentary. I saw it as a folky type song (maybe just because my roommates are currently blasting folk music at 11:30 PM, like SHUT UP already) because of the tone of the song. Not that that effects your score at all. The naivety/secrecy rhyme was a choice. I like songs like this that seem to take place entirely in a moment, and the change in outlook at the end was refreshing. It was a bit preach-y at times, but also confessional (appropriately) in a way that sounded like you were trying only to convince yourself, so it worked. Because of that, all of the metaphorical language wasn’t really necessary, even for a rap.

 

[SaintWest]

9 minutes ago, Jackson said:

@SaintWest – Patterns

Stardust appropriation SPOTTED. I found the “drawing in the sand” simile to be odd, since both tracing fingers in the sky and the sand are pretty much the same thing. It’s like saying “the great dane ran like a greyhound”. The “patterns in the sky” line was cute and had nice imagery, but what does it mean? The freckles stanza in the bridge was quite cute, it would have been a good idea to use bodily patterns more frequently throughout the song to strengthen the titular imagery.

don't compare patterns with your ungodly song about unnatural sexual relations with members of the same sex!

[ultraviolence.xx]

12 minutes ago, Jackson said:

@ultraviolence.xx – white heat

“musty” is NOT a cute word to use in a song. I appreciate that you changed up your style a bit and tried to go with a more narrative oriented piece, but this didn’t feel as smooth or polished as your previous work. When we told you to venture out, the main point was to continue using your strengths in conjunction with trying new styles, while it feels like you flat out abandoned your strengths here. I did love the concept, but there were quite a few awkward lines here, from “musty” to “kind employee” to “lovely buzz” to “thoughts astray”. Overall, it seemed kind of rushed, and the verse after verse structure with no changes throughout was a bit tiring. I’d love to see a concept like this married with your typical polished style. This just wasn’t executed great

ok rip 

 

[Aurora]

10 minutes ago, Jackson said:

@Aurora – Confessions

Interestingly, I didn’t really get “rap” song from this until I scrolled down to read your commentary. I saw it as a folky type song (maybe just because my roommates are currently blasting folk music at 11:30 PM, like SHUT UP already) because of the tone of the song. Not that that effects your score at all. The naivety/secrecy rhyme was a choice. I like songs like this that seem to take place entirely in a moment, and the change in outlook at the end was refreshing. It was a bit preach-y at times, but also confessional (appropriately) in a way that sounded like you were trying only to convince yourself, so it worked. Because of that, all of the metaphorical language wasn’t really necessary, even for a rap.

 

There was one other person who mentioned it didn't necessarily read like a rap to them (SaintWest, perhaps?) and I kinda get where you're coming from. It was definitely a personal, reflective, "convince myself" type song, yeah. With your last sentence, I'm not sure if I'm understanding properly; are you saying you're glad I didn't include many metaphors, or you think I should have included less?

[SaintWest]

4 minutes ago, Aurora said:

There was one other person who mentioned it didn't necessarily read like a rap to them (SaintWest, perhaps?) and I kinda get where you're coming from. It was definitely a personal, reflective, "convince myself" type song, yeah. With your last sentence, I'm not sure if I'm understanding properly; are you saying you're glad I didn't include many metaphors, or you think I should have included less?

get my name out of your MOUTH

[Aurora]

2 minutes ago, SaintWest said:

get my name out of your MOUTH

don't you have another one of jackson's songs to emulate, toenail?

[Hug]

18 minutes ago, Jackson said:

 

@Hug – Favela

Ever since I saw the title to this earlier this week I was curious as to what you actually wrote about. I loved the lines “she works day and night she claws to survive/but she can’t keep scratching forever”. The titular line was a bit messy, but I get that (or at least I’m hoping this is what you were going for) it’s meant to make it sound more nursery rhyme-ish, but it’s still weird for this song. I loved the middle eight and the way you utilized repetition in a creative way. And I’m glad the narrative of the song was fairly straightforward with a nice ending, instead of relying on some twisted plot twist for dramatic effect.

Okay was expecting worse. I thought the story being predictable would've been seen as boring but idk I'm just about those happy endings this season.

[SaintWest]

4 minutes ago, Aurora said:

don't you have another one of jackson's songs to emulate, toenail?

not me coming in here ready to drag jackson for not appreciating my favorite line in confessions. let me reconsider renewing my stan card.

 

[Aurora]

Just now, SaintWest said:

not me coming in here ready to drag jackson for not appreciating my favorite line in confessions. let me reconsider renewing my stan card.

 

yeah, that was probably the most metaphorical lyric in the song and I think he didn't like the more metaphorical stuff  but I get where he's coming form. actresses outsold!

[SaintWest]

5 minutes ago, Aurora said:

yeah, that was probably the most metaphorical lyric in the song and I think he didn't like the more metaphorical stuff  but I get where he's coming form. actresses outsold!

women won!

[Jackson]

9 minutes ago, Aurora said:

With your last sentence, I'm not sure if I'm understanding properly; are you saying you're glad I didn't include many metaphors, or you think I should have included less?

The metaphors that were there seemed like they were there just to make it feel like a rap, where this type of song would have benefitted from very very limited metaphorical use due to its personal/confessional nature imo

[Aurora]

1 minute ago, Jackson said:

The metaphors that were there seemed like they were there just to make it feel like a rap, where this type of song would have benefitted from very very limited metaphorical use due to its personal/confessional nature imo

I see. Noted for the next time I attempt a rap and flop!

[ceremonials]

 

 

batch one x

@Gastrodonatella, “Chorus of Silence”

 

This meta title, I’m here for it. This was mostly wig-incarcerating, though the first half was definitely stronger than the second. The first verse was just so concise, everything was tied together beautifully and masterfully. It was almost flawless, though I might’ve put an “And” in the penultimate line in the first verse because it’s considerably shorter, but that’s a very minor nitpick. The second verse shares the same masterful writing and  poeticism, but the imagery feels a little disjointed. It wasn’t tied together, and instead each stanza focused on seemingly unrelated things, though they obviously have more meaning on a metaphorical level. It just felt a little thrown together compared to the first one. Maybe it just pales in comparison to the first verse, because you really did that.

 

“When your outbursts are over I keep holding my breath / They’ll return by tomorrow, there are fates worse than death”

 

@Hug, “Favela”

 

Not this stripper innuendo when it’s supposed to be a nursery rhyme bitch. I enjoyed this, though there were parts I wasn’t really feeling it. I wanted to write the middle 8 off as soon as I saw money/hungry, though I kinda liked the way it was structured, that rhyme was still pretty unforgivable. On the second readthrough I don’t hate it, but I do feel it could’ve been executed better - though I do appreciate the sentiment behind it. The verses are alright, it sortof seemed like they were organized like that so there was some kind of meaningful structure to the song, but I don’t consider that a bad thing. It’s hard to write a song without a chrous that doesn’t end up just being free verse, and this was a clever way to get around it. I don’t...know where you got this idea from but I kinda like that it’s way different than what you usually do, at least in terms of concept. Hug her Rated R era is here confirmed?

 

“She danced for her mother because she was helpless / Now she dances for herself”

 

@minho, “Black Hole”

 

I think this change of structure definitely worked for you, as I think it complements your writing style pretty well - even though I didn’t see much of your signature writing style in this actually. It felt like you were meeting me halfway, in a sense. You gave it a bit more structure a but still left it feeling like you, which I think is an extremely happy medium. The hook did feel like a bit of a regression, but I think it’s forgivable since, well, it’s a hook. They’re meant to be short and sweet. Also, wig @ the bridge. Definitely my favorite couplet/s from you this entire season.

 

“Staring straight into your blank expression / The black in your eyes demands my attention / Lead me astray, I’ll follow you nowhere / My past, my present and future is yours”

 

@SaintWest, “Patterns”

 

Okay, so this was flawlessly written as usual, but I did find it extremely basic in terms of subject matter. The narrative was hella cute and the metaphors are used well, and like I said it’s written excellently, I just feel like I’ve read it a million times before. I don’t normally drag people for being “PH cliche” because I think that’s incredibly stupid (and accordingly it won’t affect your score), but in the future, I want you to be bolder, braver, and take more risks writing wise. They’re not always going to pay off, but you have the writing skills to back up those kind of choices, so I say go for it. And you know, the bigger the risk the bigger the reward, blah blah blah. Aside from all that though, I don’t actually have much to say of the song itself - maybe I would’ve liked the bridge to be a bit more integral.Overall, it was great as usual, but struggles to stand out among a plethora of astral relationship songs that came before it.

 

“Racing past the dawn of night into the sunset’s break / Tracing every constellation outlined on your face”

 

@ultraviolence.xx, “White Heat”

 

BITCHHH I don’t know if it was the challenge that suited you super well, or if you’re just really coming into your own but this was honestly attempted murder on my scalp. There were maybe a few word choices I would’ve changed - the buzz/dust rhyme was a bit of a reach. You seem to like to overuse commas as well, maybe add a conjunction in here and there - it can really make a difference. The narrative was flawfree and somehow charmingly unique? Just, wig. It’s a yes from me.

 

“You led me to the kitchen, sat me down, enchanted me with strangely familiar sounds / You asked about me, asked about my day, but the music took me to another place”

 

@Aurora, “Confessions”

 

This was good, but definitely one of your weaker entries thus far. You’re obviously a phenomenal writer but this seemed a tad less concise than usual. I think most of my issues reside in Section II. It’s just kind of… like a handful of metaphors all thrown at you all at once, and few of them leaving any lasting impact - mainly because there all muddling each other’s meanings simply by being so closely woven together. I don’t have as much of a problem with the other two since they feel much more uniform - in a way they feel like verses, and Section II feels like a Middle 8. Because of this, I hold the second section in especially high regard, since even though it’s not a “chorus”, it should still generally be one of the stronger parts of a song. Maybe you didn’t intend for it to read like a Middle 8, but for me it kind of does. I don’t hate it by any means, but it did kind of let me down after the flawless first verse,

 

“Don’t know who I am, only who I want to be / Armed with a plan that I know I’ll never keep / My future is a hideaway forever out of reach / Focused on a vision that no one else can see”

 

@UFO, “Dancing with Disaster”

 

Okay, um...so this definitely had a chorus. Even if it was separated and labelled other things, by definition anything repeated multiple times throughout the song is considered a chorus. I might have forgiven it if it were just those two hook lines repeated, because, well, that’s more like a refrain. But since the “bridge” also follows that hook wherever it goes, it’s still just a chorus. I will give you some structure points though - even if I think there was a pretty defined chorus, this was still an admittedly refreshing break from the verse/chorus/verse/bridge structure. Content wise though I do think this was one of your stronger entries. It was still exceptionally wordy, but I think those words are put to good use here. Overall, this would’ve been great in most rounds, and while I do think a lot of people were definitely walking on thin ice with their “middle 8s”, this was a bit too chorus-like to really nail the challenge.

 

“Time stopped when I looked into your eyes and my heart swayed faster, faster / As we interlocked I soon realized I was dancing with disaster”

[ceremonials]

43 minutes ago, Jackson said:

 

@ultraviolence.xx – white heat

“musty” is NOT a cute word to use in a song. I appreciate that you changed up your style a bit and tried to go with a more narrative oriented piece, but this didn’t feel as smooth or polished as your previous work. When we told you to venture out, the main point was to continue using your strengths in conjunction with trying new styles, while it feels like you flat out abandoned your strengths here. I did love the concept, but there were quite a few awkward lines here, from “musty” to “kind employee” to “lovely buzz” to “thoughts astray”. Overall, it seemed kind of rushed, and the verse after verse structure with no changes throughout was a bit tiring. I’d love to see a concept like this married with your typical polished style. This just wasn’t executed great.

[ceremonials]

2 minutes ago, Gastrodonatella said:

cackling at you saying my second half was weaker but picking your fave couplet from that  genuinely the messy antics i pull

It reminded me of this iconic episode of Scandal, I was slain.

 

 

The stronger lines were in the second half though, I did not tell a lie. The first is just stronger as a unit.

 

 

[ultraviolence.xx]

1 minute ago, ceremonials said:

HAHAHAA this made me feel great

 thank you 

[ceremonials]

1 minute ago, Gastrodonatella said:

the first told more of a story, the second was just about the violence so there was no narrative to be told there  poor my eye of the hurricane structure getting no love tho i thought it was a CONCEPT  

I mean cute, but you can't expect me to infer something like that. It is a concept though

 

[SaintWest]

8 minutes ago, ceremonials said:

 

@SaintWest, “Patterns”

 

Okay, so this was flawlessly written as usual, but I did find it extremely basic in terms of subject matter. The narrative was hella cute and the metaphors are used well, and like I said it’s written excellently, I just feel like I’ve read it a million times before. I don’t normally drag people for being “PH cliche” because I think that’s incredibly stupid (and accordingly it won’t affect your score), but in the future, I want you to be bolder, braver, and take more risks writing wise. They’re not always going to pay off, but you have the writing skills to back up those kind of choices, so I say go for it. And you know, the bigger the risk the bigger the reward, blah blah blah. Aside from all that though, I don’t actually have much to say of the song itself - maybe I would’ve liked the bridge to be a bit more integral.Overall, it was great as usual, but struggles to stand out among a plethora of astral relationship songs that came before it.

 

“Racing past the dawn of night into the sunset’s break / Tracing every constellation outlined on your face”

 

I'm still getting used to not getting dragged. I'll let you know when she's ready to step outside safe concepts.

 

[ceremonials]

batch two/hints coming sometime tomorrow afternoon~