discussion Dating is way too fast paced today. Your experiences?

[Gesamtkunstwerk]

I'm currently trying to dip my toes into dating with the intention of finding a LTR. Everyone is complaining about the dating crisis, it is often blamed on unlimited choice and unrealistic standards, which is definitely a part of it, but I feel like the main problem is that things are expected to move SO fast.

 

The mix of living in an instant gratification society and people being chronically single and lonely make them head dive into the shallow end of the pool. On the first date, people want this instant, love at first sight kind of connection, instead of actually getting to know the other person. The typical scenario I see is:

 

Meet up on first date, have this intense connection and after 2-3 dates (if even), the dynamic instantly becomes like a long-term relationship without a label. Time passes on, the excitement dies down and one of them starts to pull away because they realize that this is not what they want. They either ghost the other person, or string them along until they find something better. 

 

There's so many complaints about situationships and love bombing, I honestly think most people don't even do it on purpose, but everyone is just so desperate to be in a long term commitment they pull the trigger way too early. They end up being emotionally attached to a stranger on and exhaust the relation before it even began.

 

I keep running into this problem where if I don't text them 24/7, sleep over at their place multiple times a week, have long cuddle sessions, cook them dinner, meet their friends and family, fuq them all night, walk their dog, chill on the couch watching Neflix with them within a month of knowing each other, they either lose interest or start acting crazy 

 

I know most users on this site are gay men and hetero dating got different factors and dynamics, but pls share your stories. How do y'all date ? How long do you wait for certain things to take place ? When is it too fast, or too slow ? Even if you're not interested in a LTR, what issues do you observe ?

 

I'm not a doomer at all, I know it's possible, but I'm unfortunately not experienced when it comes to non-casual dating, and I want to hear others experiences. Can't ask my friends, most of them either got 0 game or they're the ones doing the head dive onto the concrete early on

 

Edited yesterday at 03:06 PM by Gesamtkunstwerk

[P.O.P]

Eh.

 

Act however you feel like and see if your energy matches. All the things you listed (or in different forms) are things you WOULD die to do with someone you love, it is not supposed to feel like a chore.

 

Some people get married after a week, straights are crazy like that. But it works for them. You'll find someone walk in your pace eventually.

[Redstreak]

Honestly just went in with no expectations. I was desperate for a bf and was single for a long time and treated hook ups like a cross off list. Finally just started treating each meet up as a chance to see if I even wanted another one and something of substance just grew from there

[T.O.A.D.S.]

51 minutes ago, Gesamtkunstwerk said:

There's so many complaints about situationships and love bombing, I honestly think most people don't even do it on purpose, but everyone is just so desperate to be in a long term commitment they pull the trigger way too early. They end up being emotionally attached to a stranger on and exhaust the relation before it even began

I follow this topic a lot on TikTok and this is the first time I've ever seen someone say dating these days is too fast paced 
 

People think it's too slow. There's an illusion of choice and the feeling that someone better is just one swipe away.
 

People want the benefits of a long term committed relationship without having to commit to someone. That's how situationships develop. People wait for the other person to finally commit and make things official, but it doesn't happen, one person ghosts the other and the cycle starts again. 

[Trent W]

I don't know if this is the best advice but I dropped online dating, and just have recently decided to move on

 

It' not supposed to be this complicated

 

I will be open for a relationship in the future and try to get out more 

 

But when you are in a mindset that you need to be with someone everything is so negative 

 

I dropped the idea and feel a lot better with myself 

 

I think that we put too much pressure in ourselves to be in a relationship 

 

Not everything is about that and not everyone has to

 

 

[BrokenMachine]

I just don't date at all 

 

Because yeah, socially I'm an awkward person, so I never feel confident enough to do the first step, or have enough confidence to say 'yeah, this might work' until like several months after meeting this person, and well, nowadays you can't spend months getting to know someone because they want everything to happen in a few weeks, because otherwise they'd feel like you're wasting their time, so whatever, I just don't do it at all 

Edited yesterday at 03:59 PM by BrokenMachine

[Jack!]

I gave up on dating, or intentionally trying to find a boyfriend more pointedly, maybe like a year ago? I found I was going into these dates with expectations that I was completely lying to myself about, and that the other person probably wasn't matching. I would beat myself up for these interactions going nowhere and I eventually said myself let's cut this out and just prioritise other things in my life first. I still hook up when I feel I have an urge, keep control of my sexual health while doing so of course, but my thought process is that maybe by hooking up, or maybe by going to the bar at the weekend with my friends, or any other way by incidental, I'll find someone I'm compatible with. My idea is that it'll happen when it happens.

[Jack!]

I gave up on dating, or intentionally trying to find a boyfriend more pointedly, maybe like a year ago? I found I was going into these dates with expectations that I was completely lying to myself about, and that the other person probably wasn't matching. I would beat myself up for these interactions going nowhere and I eventually said myself let's cut this out and just prioritise other things in my life first. I still hook up when I feel I have an urge, keep control of my sexual health while doing so of course, but my thought process is that maybe by hooking up, or maybe by going to the bar at the weekend with my friends, or any other way by incidental, I'll find someone I'm compatible with. My idea is that it'll happen when it happens.

[Gesamtkunstwerk]

2 minutes ago, T.O.A.D.S. said:

I follow this topic a lot on TikTok and this is the first time I've ever seen someone say dating these days is too fast paced 
 

People think it's too slow. There's an illusion of choice and the feeling that someone better is just one swipe away.
 

People want the benefits of a long term committed relationship without having to commit to someone. That's how situationships develop. People wait for the other person to finally commit and make things official, but it doesn't happen, one person ghosts the other and the cycle starts again. 

I get where they're coming from when they think people taking too long to commit, alright. But in my honest opinion, many people on TikTok lack self-accountability, boundaries and realistic expectations.

 

From what I see, most people that end up in situationships, again and again, are people that rushes emotional intimacy right in the beginning, before even knowing the person. If you keep ending up in situations where you need to beg someone, that clearly doesn't want to be with you, for commitment, you need to pick yourself tf up and get some boundaries  Anything else than a clear "Yes, I want to be with you" is a no, and you need to move on instead of wasting your time hoping that they'll change their mind. 99,5% of the time, it's not that they don't want a relationship, they just don't want it with you.

 

All these people need to know that they deserve someone that truly loves them instead of that mind-game sh1t. Easy come, easy go

[Gesamtkunstwerk]

DP

Edited 23 hours ago by Gesamtkunstwerk

[єѕℓαм]

Why is everyone so desperately wanting to be in a relationship that's the problem 

just enjoy the moment ffs

[LostInStereo100]

I've been open to relationships / dating for a while now and truly enjoy dating to hopefully find my right guy. However, I went on a date with a guy few months ago, and after one single date, he became hella obsessive and almost controlling. 
 

While I was turned on by the controlling part, I'm toxic , it actually freaked me out how quickly it all happened so I had to tell him we needed to back off. 
 

Also around that same time, met up with a guy from Grindr (first red flag) and we wanted to meet up for coffee bean before we fool around, be safe out there everyone! And the entire time we were walking around Burbank and getting our drink, he repeatedly kept saying let's keep pretending we are boyfriends, oh honey, oh baby, and rubbing my hair in public etc. mind you this was the first time meeting!

 

 

[Gesamtkunstwerk]

34 minutes ago, Trent W said:

I don't know if this is the best advice but I dropped online dating, and just have recently decided to move on

 

It' not supposed to be this complicated

 

I will be open for a relationship in the future and try to get out more 

 

But when you are in a mindset that you need to be with someone everything is so negative 

 

I dropped the idea and feel a lot better with myself 

 

I think that we put too much pressure in ourselves to be in a relationship 

 

Not everything is about that and not everyone has to

I've been banned by Match Group for unknown reasons

 

 

But I prefer meeting people irl, so no problem.

 

And I agree. Unfortunately, my problem is that I'm a little too independent and I feel no pressure to be in a relationship, so I honestly have to actively look around a little bit if I want it to happen within the next 5-10 years, but I'm in not rush 

[Gesamtkunstwerk]

DP x 2. ATRL server is struggling 

Edited 23 hours ago by Gesamtkunstwerk

[Maxxxine]

21 minutes ago, єѕℓαм said:

Why is everyone so desperately wanting to be in a relationship that's the problem 

just enjoy the moment ffs

Some of us seek something more than instant gratification and quick lil' anonymous hook ups

 

[Gesamtkunstwerk]

52 minutes ago, BrokenMachine said:

I never feel confident enough to do the first step, or have enough confidence to say 'yeah, this might work' until like several months after meeting this person, and well, nowadays you can't spend months getting to know someone because they want everything to happen in a few weeks, because otherwise they'd feel like you're wasting their time, so whatever, I just don't do it at all 

Please don't give up, there's more people feeling this exact way out there  

 

23 minutes ago, LostInStereo100 said:

I've been open to relationships / dating for a while now and truly enjoy dating to hopefully find my right guy. However, I went on a date with a guy few months ago, and after one single date, he became hella obsessive and almost controlling. 
 

While I was turned on by the controlling part, I'm toxic , it actually freaked me out how quickly it all happened so I had to tell him we needed to back off. 
 

Also around that same time, met up with a guy from Grindr (first red flag) and we wanted to meet up for coffee bean before we fool around, be safe out there everyone! And the entire time we were walking around Burbank and getting our drink, he repeatedly kept saying let's keep pretending we are boyfriends, oh honey, oh baby, and rubbing my hair in public etc. mind you this was the first time meeting!

 

 

I've have had the same things happening to me  and if I was younger and more immature I might have found it hot how a man wants me that quick, but now it just scares me tf away, they're never right in the head

 

 

[єѕℓαм]

8 minutes ago, Maxxxine said:

Some of us seek something more than instant gratification and quick lil' anonymous hook ups

 

Well good luck finding that thing u speak of then

[P.O.P]

1 hour ago, Gesamtkunstwerk said:

DP

 

49 minutes ago, Gesamtkunstwerk said:

DP x 2. ATRL server is struggling 

I legit thought you advised him to do DP. This is ATRL after all.

[psychodiva336]

What isn't too fast paced nowadays?

We're being bombarded with stimuli and dopamine 24/7. It's not just dating where we seek it... It's the reason why TikTok/Reels/Shorts are replacing longer videos, why songs longer than 3 minutes are getting harder to come across and why the lifespan of trends or memes is shorter than ever. Everything burns twice as fast and half as long.

As for how I approach dating... I've recently on a bit of a hiatus because I just can't handle how much this pacing issue messes with my head. It's like at first it's lightning fast and then it kinda slows down to fizzle out into nothing. This pattern keeps happening despite my best intentions to avoid it. I don't know. I get the impression that this has become normalized and people will force you into it for some reason. It's depressing, it's discouraging and frankly quite dehumanizing too.

I find myself wondering if there will ever come a relationship that won't make me wonder where - if anywhere at all - we'll be 2 weeks from now... 

[Kimi]

I do agree with you actually, i think people follow our parents and grandparents example forgetting they usually meet their long term partners (with whom they are deeply unhappy or divorced now btw) when both parties were teenagers/just in their earliest 20s so the dynamic was fast paced and well teenage like. Now we have grown ass people acting the same, expecting to go from complete strangers into partners within like a month, looking for „butterflies" and just in general expecting romance, not relationship. I kinda believe people are just spoiled lol. You have too much too fast too often and at the end you're left with nothing. 

[Gesamtkunstwerk]

5 minutes ago, psychodiva336 said:

What isn't too fast paced nowadays?

We're being bombarded with stimuli and dopamine 24/7. It's not just dating where we seek it... It's the reason why TikTok/Reels/Shorts are replacing longer videos, why songs longer than 3 minutes are getting harder to come across and why the lifespan of trends or memes is shorter than ever. Everything burns twice as fast and half as long.

As for how I approach dating... I've recently on a bit of a hiatus because I just can't handle how much this pacing issue messes with my head. It's like at first it's lightning fast and then it kinda slows down to fizzle out into nothing. This pattern keeps happening despite my best intentions to avoid it. I don't know. I get the impression that this has become normalized and people will force you into it for some reason. It's depressing, it's discouraging and frankly quite dehumanizing too.

I find myself wondering if there will ever come a relationship that won't make me wonder where - if anywhere at all - we'll be 2 weeks from now... 

Amazingly written, the dating culture is very much a product of the time we live in. It's really a vicious circle, people are desperate to escape this dating hell, so they rush to the final stage of dating within weeks, it doesn't work out, and people get even more desperate. 

 

Please keep your head up, many people are feeling the same way and hopefully we start to self-reflect a bit on this culture as a whole

[Gesamtkunstwerk]

23 minutes ago, P.O.P said:

 

I legit thought you advised him to do DP. This is ATRL after all.

I've been offered to be DP'd before, but I concluded that it wouldn't help me fix my problems 

 

[John Slayne]

idk, if anything i've encountered too many men with commitment issues or ridiculous standards but at the end of the day none of that matters with the right person

 

i used to be a serial dater before i met my bf and i enjoyed it a lot but that's because i was not set on a serious relationship and i just enjoyed going out and meeting new people. i eventually met my partner and tbh before we first met i didn't even want to go out with him that much but i was like 'what the hell, sure' and the date went really well and we've been together since. all this to say that there is not 'right' way of dating or doing relationships, just be yourself and communicate what feels right for you. it's a numbers game, sometimes it takes years but eventually you might meet someone and it just clicks 

 

Spoiler

one thing i will say and i'm not sure this necessarily works but... my friend told me not to have sex on the first date and i thought it was bs but then i tried it and made the guy wait 3 dates and that guy is now my partner so... maybe there is something to that theory lol 

edit: i wouldn't pay attention or take any cues from straight people, they are famously terrible at long-term relationships. gay divorce rates are much lower so find older gay couples in your area and talk to them. straights have a completely different outlook on relationships in my experience, they just blindly follow this script of couple of dates > relationship > marriage > children and they give very little thought whether they actually want that or not and then end up unhappy and/or divorced and single parents. not saying all of them are like this but many of them are, especially straight men who have almost no insight into their own emotions and can't control themselves. 

Edited 22 hours ago by John Slayne

[dumbsparce]

1 hour ago, Gesamtkunstwerk said:

DP

Oh

 

[Gesamtkunstwerk]

3 minutes ago, John Slayne said:

 

 

  Reveal hidden contents

one thing i will say and i'm not sure this necessarily works but... my friend told me not to have sex on the first date and i thought it was bs but then i tried it and made the guy wait 3 dates and that guy is now my partner so... maybe there is something to that theory lol 

 

This definitely works because it hinders the relation to exclusively revolve around sex, and nothing else. Also I'm a woman dating men, so if I sleep with them too early, I'm apparently a wh0re and they're not

 

 

I hate them