discussion Has anyone ever met seemingly liberal women who strike you as homophobic?

[YourFavoriteWeapon]

I've encountered a particular pattern among some white, upper-middle-class, "progressive liberal" women in their late 30s to mid 40s that I find both perplexing and troubling. On the surface, they seem to be fully supportive of LGBTQ+ rights, often expressing vocal support for gay marriage and equality. However, upon spending more time around them or engaging in deeper conversations, I've started to notice a recurring theme of subtle homophobia, often masked by microaggressions or seemingly innocuous comments.

 

For example, I've had interactions with some of the "liberal" moms in my neighborhood—women who frequently rave about their children's heterosexual relationships with a genuine sense of enthusiasm. However, when I mention or share excitement about my own same-sex relationship, their response tends to be either lukewarm or dismissive, almost as if they don't regard it as equally valid or significant.

 

Furthermore, there's a particular kind of "tokenizing" behavior I've observed in these women, where they'll proudly declare their love for the LGBTQ+ community because they have a gay friend, hairdresser, or cousin. Despite this, many of them harbor an underlying discomfort with the idea of their own children being gay. In private conversations, I've heard expressions of concern, not out of fear for their children's well-being, but because they seem to view homosexuality as something "undesirable" or even "embarrassing" for their families—something that would reflect poorly on them as parents.

 

It's a strange contradiction to witness: women who claim to be progressive but hold covert, almost subconscious biases when it comes to the reality of LGBTQ+ identities, especially in the context of their own families. Have any of you had similar experiences with people who appear outwardly supportive but reveal these subtle biases over time? How did you navigate these situations, and do you think these kinds of attitudes can be addressed or unlearned without confronting the person directly?

Edited December 16 by YourFavoriteWeapon

[Dante Silva]

Yes, they exist. It's nothing new. What is new is someone honing in on and identifying the nuance of them.

[Raver]

The ones who use bottom as an insult sure 

[Sawk]

Yes, the classic lib girlie who only dates conservative men 

[YourFavoriteWeapon]

4 minutes ago, Raver said:

The ones who use bottom as an insult sure 

Tea, the amount of women who use "bottom", "twink", "zesty", or 💅 as a way to mock gay men is abhorrent. 

[Cheers]

She's suuuuchhh a liberal but her husband is a Trumpie! She can't believe the words he uses.... 😢 😢  so they promised to just not discuss politics ❤️ 

 

 

[Arthoe]

Doesn't surprise me at all, homophobia is baked into every fabric of our societies. Doesn't also help that because of the American influence on the internet/language the term "liberalism" is now conflated with not being a right-wing extremist.

 

Matter of factly, most so-called "conservatives" are actually "liberal" and vice versa. American conservatism and American liberalism are pretty much the same ideology and only differ in semantics. It's not what is actually said, it's how you say it. Both fundamentally believe in dividing and segregating people according to socio-econimic status and other arbitrary characteristics, categorizing humans into useful and useless according to those. 

 

Had to learn the hard way that "liberal" straight women are not my allies until they have proven themselves otherwise. Just because they experienced oppression, did not make them sympathetic to the oppression other people that are not like them have experienced. Matter of factly, some even did relish in the fact that they finally found somebody "beneath" them. 

Edited December 16 by Arthoe

[YourFavoriteWeapon]

21 minutes ago, Arthoe said:

Doesn't surprise me at all, homophobia is baked into every fabric of our societies. Doesn't also help that because of the American influence on the internet/language the term "liberalism" is now conflated with not being a right-wing extremist.

 

Matter of factly, most so-called "conservatives" are actually "liberal" and vice versa. American conservatism and American liberalism are pretty much the same ideology and only differ in semantics. It's not what is actually said, it's how you say it. Both fundamentally believe in dividing and segregating people according to socio-econimic status and other arbitrary characteristics, categorizing humans into useful and useless according to those. 

 

Had to learn the hard way that "liberal" straight women are not my allies until they have proven themselves otherwise. Just because they experienced oppression, did not make them sympathetic to the oppression other people that are not like them have experienced. Matter of factly, some even did relish in the fact that they finally found somebody "beneath" them. 

This is a perfect analysis, you spilled  

[LoveInStereo]

100%. This rly neoliberal coworker of mine. She kept trying to relate to me on the basis of us both being in interracial relationships & it made me so uneasy because I'd truly never had anybody put so much focus on my boyfriend's race & it pissed me off so bad. Ofc her relationship fell apart & I'm still with my bf. Went to a pride event for our company & she made a point to single out my friend who didn't go & say "he's always claiming he's being excluded but doesn't attend events like this" & I couldn't even hide the repulsion on my face. People like that will suck all the oxygen out of the room in the name of championing diversity but they don't rly gaf about marginalized groups. They always see themselves as the main character, we can never occupy more space than them. The tokenization borders the line of fetishization tbh. They don't see others as individuals, just symbols to signal their cultural capital to others. Ppl like that love to do their yas slay queen bs, drives me up the ******* wall

[Gov Hooka]

Malcolm X has always been right about liberals and their need to have the veneer of progressivism to make themselves more palatable but ultimately they're just as nasty and in full deference to power. This goes for white gay libs and white gays of color too (as evidenced by the comments made in many civics threads) 

[Pheromosa]

Chapell Rona

[dumbsparce]

Where I'm from, the equivalent of USA neoliberals are the center-right parties who are seemingly in support of gay rights.. as long as it's not their son or brother  Oh, you don't wanna see the absolute disgust on their face upon hearing the news. Haven't had any issues with actual leftists though.

Edited December 17 by dumbsparce

[JoeAg]

yeah these are textbook NIMBY-ass liberals. wouldn't put quotes around the word liberal even, that's what liberals are at this point. spineless and hypocritical!

 

don't forget that there's a difference—well, many differences—between being liberal and being leftist/progressive. I know which one I am 

[JoeAg]

it reminds me of my mom a bit unfortunately^
 

my brothers and I came out in reverse chronological order, so I came out first. with me, age 13 (circa 2010) telling my jewish mother at our house in the suburbs that I was bisexual and that I "didn't only like girls," and my mom responding with a shrug and just a few words: "I figured one of you would be that way."

 

but then comes me confronting her about my insecurities—and really stupidly outing my older brother a month before he came out, I was 15 and had no idea that that wasn't a good idea, but hey everyone f*cks up sometimes—and her leading with an "uh oh… Joe please tell me you're not trying to be a girl or something! I can accept that elsewhere but pleaseeeee not in my family!"

 

like… you can't make this sh*t up. I'm a cis guy, but if I wasn't, I wonder if my mom would still be weird and suddenly more disapproving of me 12 and a half years later. I'm about 90% sure she would. it's hardwired into her tbh, she's said it herself that she's "done growing" 🙄

[Démodé]

They don't just "exist", they're the shocking majority. And they couldn't care less about us queers if our presence next to them did not give them social / political capital.

 

Avg Kamala supporters which believe that Dems is the lesser evil when they're practically the same with micro-differences.

[Adam’s Eve]

12 hours ago, Pheromosa said:

Chapell Rona

Not you referring to her like the disease 

[John Slayne]

tbh women tend to be described as the more progressive gender but the truth is most of them just don't care or are not allies in any meaningful way. gay rights used to be a big trend in Western society so posting a rainbow flag and hashtags during pride month was a way to virtue signal that you are a cool, modern person. it's not a genuine belief in equality or human rights, it was more just part of the cultural zeitgeist and many young women did not want to be seen as backwards but when it comes to actually stepping up to defend their gay friends suddenly it's quiet. 

 

notice how many of these seemingly liberal and/or 'progressive' women will have absolutely no problem dating the most vile, racist, and homophobic conservative men. that tells you all you need to know. unfortunately the support for the lgbtq+ community has always been shallow and very few allies would be actually willing to stand up for us if it meant they'd lose something.

[BloodLuster]

honey, most of women deep down are homophobic but gays are not ready for this convo...

[imabadkid]

I feel like this is somewhat new? Maybe I'm naive but it feels like this is somewhat new but maybe women have always been homophobic. I wonder if it has anything to do with the huge amount of straight men being more comfortable with gay culture now that it's become "mainstream" - idk it's just odd but tbh we shouldn't be surprised, republicans have done a good job of pitting marginalized groups against each other and I feel like now it's gays vs women.