discussion My bf left me for a cis woman

[ErnieSwift]

I really was debating making this thread because a lot of these emotions are still very heavy on my mind, and I've also never really posted anything personal on here, but I decided to because I kind of want advice as to what I should do or any outside perspectives. 

 

So the story starts in September of 2022. I was 23 years old at the time, and I had just moved out of my parents house into my first apartment. This was a huge deal to me because as a trans woman who grew up in a family that is still very conservative when it comes to LGBTQ+ people and issues, I was finally able to express myself freely without having to worry about any input from my family or feeling like I had to hide. Another part of me was excited to move to the city because of the higher chance of me finding love.  So I move into my apartment and I get settled in, and by October 2022, I start talking to this guy on Grindr. His name is Nate, and he's about 5 years older than me. We immediately hit it off and add each other on Snap and Facebook and start messaging each other almost every day. Wanting to protect myself, I asked him if he was looking for a relationship or not, and he told me that he was. By the end of the month, we finally meet in person.  I remember obsessing over what to wear and making sure my makeup was PERFECT. Long story short, that night, he took my virginity, and I fell in love. It seemed like something straight out of a movie. He even left his beanie at my apartment and told me to think about him until we saw each other again. :') One big red flag that I seemed to be able to easily look over is the fact he had no job.  So over the next few months, we keep seeing each other and texting, and by the end of 2022, we are officially boyfriend and girlfriend. The only condition was that I not tell anyone that we are together and that everything stays between us, which me being dumb and not seeing this as a red flag, I agreed. I knew that being that we lived in a smaller city in Texas, his family and other people were still very conservative, and so I acknowledged that it might be hard for him if people know he was dating a trans woman. I was so in love with him and I wanted to keep him, so I wanted to do anything if it meant he would stay. We kept getting to know each other, and I learned that he lost both of his parents, and that he also struggled with a drug problem. Upon learning this, I decided that I wanted to try to be there for him as much as I could, because I knew he probably felt really lonely and struggled a lot mentally. At that time, I even paid for a headstone to be put on his mom's grave, because she still didn't have one and I knew how much it would mean to him. Going into 2023, it seemed like things immediately started to change. He seemed to become more distant, and he seemed like he was becoming a very different person than who I fell in love with, at one point I even caught him back on Grindr, in which he very quickly told me that it was his cousin using his profile....... I chose to give him the benefit of the doubt.  Things seemed to be going smoothly, and then at one day out of the blue, I find out he is in jail for what he says was for "old warrants for tickets". He then tells me how down bad he is because his truck is in the police impound and he can't afford to get it out. Even though I really couldn't afford it myself, I pay to get his truck out of the impound. That day he told me he would love me forever and that nobody has ever cared about him the way that I do, which at the time made me feel so happy to hear, because I have always been a people pleaser, and I feel like our relationship and connection was cemented in that moment... I felt like I found my soulmate and someone who really likes me for me, and on top of that the intimacy was also there and we even discussed moving in together at some point. Things seemed to be very good, and we were happy  A few months later, I find out from a friend of a friend that my bf tried to message him, which completely destroyed me. I messaged my bf voicing how hurt I was and told him that I didn't think I could ever trust him again. After this, we don't talk for MONTHS, and as far as I was concerned, it was OVER.  I was hurting, but I knew deep down that it was for the best. He even had me blocked at one point. At the beginning of 2024 in February after months of no contact, we finally reconnect and start talking again as friends. In a magical twist of fate, on my birthday in April, he decided he wanted to see me. That meeting was enough to regnite the flame, and I as falling in love with him again. In this time, he also finally got a job, and was no longer doing drugs. He started coming over every weekend after that, and we would drink and have deep talks like we used to do, he would tell me things he liked about me and he would just be super sweet. Slowly but surely, I felt like the man that I fell in love with was coming back, and that we could finally move forward with our relationship. This is where the story takes a tragic turn. About a week ago, I text him wanting to hang out like we usually do. He doesn't respond back right away, so I decide to just go to sleep. Well the next morning, he texts me back telling me that he found a new gf (who is cis) and that me and him could only be friends, and that he wishes me the best and that he was sorry, and then proceeds to block me on everything.  So now I am currently DEVASTATED because I gave this person 2 years of my life and I gave him so much of my love, my virginity, helped him financially and I thought that the connection that we had was genuine, and after giving him so much of his time, I don't even know where to begin to move on. I want to talk to him so bad to get some kind of closure, but I can't and that's what hurts so much. A part of me even hopes this is temporary and that he realizes what we had or that he does still love me and that he'll come back.   I just feel like now that he is doing better in his life than he was when he met me, he finally decided he no longer needs me. And I honestly don't care that his new gf is cis, but it's really been affecting my self esteem and is making me question my value as a person. I feel like I'm unlovable and that I will always only be lusted over.

 

I know this is a lot to read, but any thoughts or advice would be greatly appreciated. 

[Cesar]

9 minutes ago, ErnieSwift said:

So now I am currently DEVASTATED because I gave this person 2 years of my life and I gave him so much of my love, my virginity, helped him financially and I thought that the connection that we had was genuine, and after giving him so much of his time, I don't even know where to begin to move on. I want to talk to him so bad to get some kind of closure, but I can't and that's what hurts so much. A part of me even hopes this is temporary and that he realizes what we had or that he does still love me and that he'll come back.   I just feel like now that he is doing better in his life than he was when he met me, he finally decided he no longer needs me. And I honestly don't care that his new gf is cis, but it's really been affecting my self esteem and is making me question my value as a person. I feel like I'm unlovable and that I will always only be lusted over.

think of it this way.... viriginity is a social construct, & 2 years with someone is practically only 0.08% of the 25 years you've lived so far. that's practically nothing, in hind sight.

 

the fact that he left you for anyone just shows you he was never meant for you to begin with. it sucks, but theres plenty more fish in the sea. you will find someone way better for you, someone who wouldn't leave you like that. the best thing you can do for urself right now is to focus on urself

[KatyPrismSpirit]

2 minutes ago, Cesar said:

2 years with someone is practically only 0.08% of the 25 years you've lived so far. 

[Abracadabra]

Sorry to hear that sis  I would say that I think it's pretty normal to look over red flags when it's your first love, so don't be too hard on yourself about that. But I also think you should take that lesson with you into the future. I get that some people are in tricky situations if they have a conservative family but if you are in a relationship with someone and they are telling you that it has to remain a secret, especially indefinitely, it's probably not going to last and is going to lead to heartbreak. You also shouldn't let someone just come and go as they please, your long term happiness is more important and someone who treats you like that doesn't deserve you in the first place.

[KatyPrismSpirit]

But sis, let me tell you you dodged a bullet with him. In the first half of the relationship it kinda sounds like he was using you for a financial incentive as well... I know it hurts when a relationship ends, especially when you were deeply in love— but you will eventually accept it and find someone who is even better for you. Just know that this isn't the end. 

 

And dont let his preferences post the relationship affect your own value. Him dating a ciswoman right now does not make you inferior at all. Don't let his preferences validate you. 

[AshleyLovescats887]

I am so sorry to hear, that must be so hard and horrifying to go through. I really hope that you'll get through this and heal from this car crash catastrophe of a man who couldn't see your true worth  go off queen

[YourFavoriteWeapon]

I'm so sorry to hear, we're here for you

[Suilen]

I'm sorry that it turned out like this, the number of red flags was indeed overwhelming, but I take it that it was your first serious romantic experience, and love can be blind. I don't think that you're the issue here, and you shouldn't focus on the cis woman part. The reality is that there are much more cis women out there, and... would you feel better if it was another trans woman? I don't think so. You'd probably have the same thoughts about her being superior in some way, a better pass, more surgeries etc. Yes, he might've chosen a cis woman due to his background or some kind of pressure, but that's on him wanting to conform and not on you, though I understand that it hurts regardless. You definitely shouldn't wait for him to change his mind, focus on moving on, though I wouldn't suggest jumping into a new relationship straight away. Try to heal and understand your needs first.

 

I don't know what his orientation is, but as a femme trans person, I don't really trust 'cishet' guys, especially the ones who are looking for trans women on Grindr. Yeah, part of it is the fear that they'll eventually opt for something more... normative after playing with you for a while, but the main reason is that I prefer someone within the community (bi, pan, T4T, non-binary etc) with similar experiences and stuff. I'm not implying that you should do the same, and it's perfectly okay for a trans woman to pursue cishet guys, but if you're concerned about the same thing happening again in the future again, then it's worth looking into.

[brazil]

37 minutes ago, ErnieSwift said:

At one point I even caught him back on Grindr, in which he very quickly told me that it was his cousin using his profile....... 

Doesn't that means you were using grindr too sis 

23 minutes ago, Cesar said:

 2 years with someone is practically only 0.08% of the 25 years you've lived so far. 

 

[brazil]

On a serious note, it seems like you dodged a bullet. Him not wanting to be open about the relationship, his clear inclination to infidelity. I know it hurts, but take this as a life lesson and something to grow on. At the end of the day you had your first love, now you can be ready to new and healthier experiences - time will lead to healing and growth 

[ErnieSwift]

Thank you all so much for all of the sweet words and responses.  it's making me feel so much better about the situation. It definitely hurts like hell right now, but I hope I can move on soon. 🫶🏽

[HausOfPunk]

44 minutes ago, Cesar said:

2 years with someone is practically only 0.08% of the 25 years you've lived so far

8% not 0.08%

[Lüwís]

I'm sorry that happened to you. It's going to be extremely difficult for you to get over him but you need to do it. You must. Don't spend months or years feeling sad about him. He's a user. He's a narcissist who sensed you were an empath and he manipulated you. He never cared about you at all. He lied to get what he wanted. 

 

Block him back on everything, delete his number, change your own number so he can't contact you again when he's bored of the new woman or when he wants something from you. 

 

I've had experience with someone like that. Different but similar. These people will use you because you have empathy. Don't let them. Please, for your own sake and peace of mind. Take a bit of time before you look for someone else; next time don't accept their narcissistic behaviour. 

 

Bonne chance. 

[ErnieSwift]

17 minutes ago, brazil said:

Doesn't that means you were using grindr too sis 

 

Lsmfjaksjssk I was only back on it to check to see if he was still using it! 

[Darkroth]

This is the same story with me sis. I literally traveled into another part of my country to be with him, a 4 year relationship and he left for a cis woman because he said he wanted to be fulfilled and maybe become a father, and that was not viable with me 

Don't worry though, it really is gonna get better

[JonginBey]

So if I'm reading in-between the lines correctly, you made this thread to summon a hitman. What's good?

 

[ErnieSwift]

8 minutes ago, Darkroth said:

This is the same story with me sis. I literally traveled into another part of my country to be with him, a 4 year relationship and he left for a cis woman because he said he wanted to be fulfilled and maybe become a father, and that was not viable with me 

Don't worry though, it really is gonna get better

I'm so sorry that happened to you.  It's definitely very painful. I hope that you're doing better now. 

[mons†er]

I'm really sorry you had to experience someone like that. He did you so wrong but you aren't defined by your struggles. You are defined by how you overcome them and achieve even greater things in life. Take your time to feel all that you need to feel, but always remember you have value and you will become stronger through this. Praying for you. 

[brazil]

18 minutes ago, ErnieSwift said:

Lsmfjaksjssk I was only back on it to check to see if he was still using it! 

[Minto]

no job, DL, ongoing drug addiction, got locked up and was actively on grindr during the relationship and he made you pay for his truck and his momma headstone.…and you want him to back in your life? the only advice i have is love yourself sis 

 

Edited September 22 by Minto

[ABeyBraith]

Girl…  

 

In all seriousness I feel for you but let this be a lesson. NEVER get with a man who is ashamed of you and NEVER get with a man who has no job. 

[tjspy]

You clearly don't want to read this rn, but I'm really happy for you and you are no longe with that awful man. Enough is enough. Love yourself because you are amazing, man are man, thus awful, so check more of them around, or not. It doesn't really matter. Just take this as an experience and grow something fullfilling out of it

[itshyolee]

 

[LoveInStereo]

I am so sorry that this happened to you. From everything you've shared with us, it's so clear that you've got a lot of love to offer and an extremely kind heart & you see the best in people. You WILL meet somebody who has these same amazing qualities, shouts your praises from the rooftops & earns your trust. Don't regret the experience, take it as a lesson & always carry with you this newfound wisdom & NEVER let a man take advantage of your goodness ever again! We're all flawed but he took you for granted & didn't treat you with the reverence an SO deserves. There's being forgiving & then there's being a doormat. I've been there & I'm glad I saw the light even if I cringe to think back on it now

[glitch]

You're better off without him, he sounds like a bum sorry. It hurts right now, but one day you'll look back on this and laugh and wonder how you ever found him attractive.