leonbotstein Posted June 3 Posted June 3 6 minutes ago, Rotunda said: Hi, as someone who has gone through extensive mental health struggles I know the journey feels tough and can feel unbearable, but there's always potential in future days. Sometimes the moments where you're trying to do therapy and medication can feel even worse as you try to work out which combination works right for you, and that's totally normal. It's a marathon not a sprint. I hope you're being kind to yourself (and your future self) and give yourself the opportunity to take a chance on a better future. You never know the kind of people you'll get to meet, the things you'll get to experience, or the things you'll learn about yourself. I've been where you and I'm sending my love. Things are not insurmountable. This is beautiful and so right! Switching medications in particular can be ******* brutal. But worth it.
shelven Posted June 3 Posted June 3 1 hour ago, Specter said: Hello, so it is my birthday today and I have decided — yes I will. After being on ATRL for more than a decade (incl. as a guest), I think this logout is going to be final... Would post in HQ because there are some cool people there but oh well. Thank you to everyone in this thread for their sincere and amusing responses too. I know we're never met or spoken on here before, but I related a lot to your initial post (having a good life "on paper" but nonetheless frequently feeling unfulfilled and not being able to shake the feeling that none of it matters) and while I don't think I have the perfect words for this situation, I just wanted to be another voice to encourage you to stay strong and keep hope alive I definitely know that's way easier said than done, but at least with my own mental health struggles, I motivate myself by reminding myself that things can start to improve when you least expect it and that the only way to guarantee that they won't is if you decide to end things entirely. I know it's cliche, but suicide really is a permanent solution to what's often a temporary problem (even if it doesn't feel temporary in the moment) and ending things at the height of your suffering only deprives you of the joy and satisfaction you'll experience when things start to get better. Wishing you the best and hoping that you see this and are able to get through these challenges. 7
leonbotstein Posted June 3 Posted June 3 Also: GET BUSY. MAKE GOALS. This is what I have found the most helpful. Find the things that motivate you and exploit them. The sensation of meaning will arise later, in the midst of that busy-ness. Force yourself to take steps toward whatever goals you set for yourself, and you'll start to get beyond your own limited perspective. Participate in the world, even or especially when it feels pointless. 2
Seffers Posted June 3 Posted June 3 hey there, I know there are a million thoughts and feelings running through your body and mind now, and everything is loud and overwhelming - but there is help out there and more people willing to help than you may think ❤️ while I can't offer any personal advice, I have watched my sister go through similar experiences and difficulties you have mentioned. finding the right medicine can be so difficult - but I promise you there will be a day where you find the correct combination. it will take time, and allow yourself the grace that it will work out. please know there are many of us here willing to help - whether it be someone to talk to or help find resources. 4
Galah Posted June 3 Posted June 3 I empathise with how you're feeling. I've had several rough periods in my life, none more than in early 2023, when similar decisions weighed on my mind. Fortunately things really do get better. A few months later after a lot of hard work I earned a fantastic opportunity and was so glad I didn't let the negative thoughts win. Whatever it is you are going through, you can fight through it. I hope you see these messages and know you're enough. 1
touya kinomoto Posted June 3 Posted June 3 hello! i know life is **** but ending it earlier and unnaturally is not the way to go. better days are ahead. just the process you are in right now. you are doing good so far. 1
taemin Posted June 3 Posted June 3 Hi! I know we don't know each other but I want to tell you that just like other people on this thread I've been exactly where you are. At 15 I was diagnosed with complex ptsd and for quite some time - even while under medication - I couldn't get over that one moment that ruined my life, and genuinely thought I'd never be able to. But I did! Getting over the hard parts of life is the hardest aspect of living but everything else is so worth it. There are so many beautiful people you still have to meet and have memories with, so much great music to discover, so many places to visit, just so much to do in general. There's always hope even in moments that feel desperately exitless. Don't be afraid to get help, it will save you. Sending lots of love your way, everything's going to be fine in no time. 1
réveuse Posted June 3 Posted June 3 Let me get this off my chest and say that the jokes that are being created here are disgusting. This is about a person considering offing themselves, and you guys think it's time to be funny? Shameful. Anyway, I strongly recommend that you don't take away your life. You're here because life has granted you value. If life didn't matter, would you, or anyone else for that matter, be here right now? I always think of this quote when I'm feeling depressed or melancholic: "If you were looking at yourself from above, what would you do?" On 4/14/2024 at 6:05 AM, Specter said: Now, the title may seem facetious and the whole idea of making a thread like this on atrl dot net might seem deeply unserious, but in lieu of providing deeply personal and traumatic information (something that the folk on the site CANNOT be trusted with: see the literal banner), I figured I would just ask in this rather curt way. I have tried/am getting professional help, am "killing it" academically where I am (grad school, prestigious uni), and have the "respect" (whatever that means) of my peers/professors. I've tried a lot of things. Here's the kicker though: none of it matters. It makes no difference. I have been dealing with this gnawing, crippling depression for more than a decade now, and successive losses of people for like 4 years straight in my "prime" or whatever have irreparably changed me. I do not really care about love, friendship, or whatever and so the reverse is true. None of it really matters; and I have a very complicated (read: corrosive) relation to my body image/food which is also cratering big time, toxically. It is not as simple as going to the gym; I get lost in thoughts about the time I lost and all that and it just spirals. I actually do/did exercise quite a bit; it usually made me feel like **** because of the weight of lost time as opposed to the often-touted panacea of endorphins. So. This thread might be uncomfortable, and isn't an attempt either way to get validation — certainly nothing "changes" based on the anonymous comments on here; but there is some power (or perhaps, liberatory disregard?) in asking strangers whether it is ethical to go on when one truly believes a life worth living is out of the question. What has held me back is my family, with whom ties are strained but are bound, for better or worse, by shared trauma. I'm also not explicitly seeking out survival stories from y'all, but would welcome them if it felt natural. [I should also add this is more so a discussion, I am not at risk as we speak, ideation, for today. Not intent yet.]
réveuse Posted June 3 Posted June 3 6 hours ago, Specter said: Hello, so it is my birthday today and I have decided — yes I will. After being on ATRL for more than a decade (incl. as a guest), I think this logout is going to be final... Would post in HQ because there are some cool people there but oh well. Thank you to everyone in this thread for their sincere and amusing responses too. Please...
glitch Posted June 3 Posted June 3 Please don't do it. I'm not sure if you remember me but we used to interact quite a lot back on my old account back in 2020-21 and your posts always used to make me laugh. You might be feeling bad now but I promise you're worth a lot more than you realise and I'm sure there's plenty of people around you who care very deeply about you. I know I'd miss your presence around here at least!
Virgos Groove Posted June 3 Posted June 3 Don't do it. Echoing what everyone else is saying here: the road to happiness and stability can be a hard one, but it's one absolutely worth traveling. You are valued and the world is better with you here.
Saddy Posted June 3 Posted June 3 10 hours ago, Specter said: Hello, so it is my birthday today and I have decided — yes I will. After being on ATRL for more than a decade (incl. as a guest), I think this logout is going to be final... Would post in HQ because there are some cool people there but oh well. Thank you to everyone in this thread for their sincere and amusing responses too. I don't know if you'll read this, but please don't do this! As someone who has been through some dark **** myself and was almost about to do the same, I want to let you know that i's never too late to ask for help!! At some point in our lives we will have this darkness that will make you feel like it is drowning you, at some point you will start to feel like there is no light and it is better to just disappear. But believe me, after this darkness, light will always appear and make your life even more beautiful!! Please ask for help, no matter if it's someone from your family, friends or even a random person. And remember that you are not alone 1
Aethereal Posted June 3 Posted June 3 You are extremely intelligent and well spoken based on your posts. I think you have a lot to contribute to the world. I legitimately mean this, not saying this just to make you feel better because of your situation.
ATRL Administrator Ryan Posted June 3 ATRL Administrator Posted June 3 @Specter please don’t. I know you’ve been contemplating this for a very long time. The pain that you’re feeling in this moment that is pushing you to do this will subside. You have to fight through it. It’s easier said than done, and I know you’re probably tired of the fight as this point, but don’t make this permanent decision. We’ve discussed our shared battles too much to allow our demons and pain to take over. Please call someone and talk through it. You are loved. You deserve to be here. Please. 2
ATRL Moderator Legend E Posted June 3 ATRL Moderator Posted June 3 I would like to echo the rest of the moderator team here and also hope that this is just something you feel at the moment. Whatever you are going through at the moment will pass. I am certain there are plenty of things and achievements you have that you can cherish. I know that life has these constant downs that drain us of all of our energy and desire to keep pulling through - but we have to. Everyone has something to offer. @Specter if you feel like talking to someone (in private), we are here.
Alldeezy Posted June 5 Posted June 5 On 6/3/2024 at 12:58 PM, Specter said: Hello, so it is my birthday today and I have decided — yes I will. After being on ATRL for more than a decade (incl. as a guest), I think this logout is going to be final... Would post in HQ because there are some cool people there but oh well. Thank you to everyone in this thread for their sincere and amusing responses too. I know we both have never talked but Please don't I understand it's probably really hard right now but I promise you it does get better. remember you are loved and wanted in this world even if you don't believe it. On here and im sure in real life too. Really hope you do get the help you need we are all thinking of you. as someone who has been through the worst with mental heath. It can improve I promise you.
Specter Posted June 11 Author Posted June 11 Firstly... Thank you to everyone for their kind wishes, offer for help, and just everything. I wish I could I say I was better. I wish I could say I did not succumb. Over the last week, I have been tossing and turning over this more than ever, trying my very best to stay. I have been trying for more than a decade. But I think it's gone beyond the point of repair. I have also been thinking of the best way to "prepare" people around me — a fact made complicated by the fact that I moved countries to study. My parents are very old, and they've already lost a child not very long ago. They sent me here with hopes that I got better... I may have "succeeded" academically a lot, but in the end, it did not matter. I've called helplines in the past. I am currently on medication, have been placed on a CBT waitlist. But I can't wait. I have waited for too long. To the people I've shared laughs with, and have had enlightening, meaningful conversations — thank you. It meant more to me than I ever let on. And to one user in particular with whom communication just stopped abruptly over a year ago... I still cherish the memories of streaming that game for you on discord. To anyone I've been mean or shady to in the past, please know that I never meant it with malice. I am also sorry to worry people...but even though it might not be my last day today, but I am in the middle of preparations. I can't go back. Another decade of living like this is a worse fate. Thank you once again, everyone. Love, Phantom/Specter.
Bussea Posted June 11 Posted June 11 17 hours ago, Specter said: Firstly... Thank you to everyone for their kind wishes, offer for help, and just everything. I wish I could I say I was better. I wish I could say I did not succumb. Over the last week, I have been tossing and turning over this more than ever, trying my very best to stay. I have been trying for more than a decade. But I think it's gone beyond the point of repair. I have also been thinking of the best way to "prepare" people around me — a fact made complicated by the fact that I moved countries to study. My parents are very old, and they've already lost a child not very long ago. They sent me here with hopes that I got better... I may have "succeeded" academically a lot, but in the end, it did not matter. I've called helplines in the past. I am currently on medication, have been placed on a CBT waitlist. But I can't wait. I have waited for too long. To the people I've shared laughs with, and have had enlightening, meaningful conversations — thank you. It meant more to me than I ever let on. And to one user in particular with whom communication just stopped abruptly over a year ago... I still cherish the memories of streaming that game for you on discord. To anyone I've been mean or shady to in the past, please know that I never meant it with malice. I am also sorry to worry people...but even though it might not be my last day today, but I am in the middle of preparations. I can't go back. Another decade of living like this is a worse fate. Thank you once again, everyone. Love, Phantom/Specter. Please don't.
Kamil24 Posted June 15 Posted June 15 No, your parents do not deserve that after already losing a child!
Venice B Posted June 17 Posted June 17 (edited) Hi @Specter Your story touched me because I feel the same way a lot of the time. I've been depressed since I was 16, and I'm 29 now. Getting professional help in my country can be quite complicated and expensive, so its been years since I last got help from a psychologist. I've been on meds before and they were helpful, but awful. I know it's not easy. I often times still consider finishing things off myself too, but I'm afraid of the pain and also how my death would affect my loved ones. But recently I've come to the realization that... life can be hard, but there are things that are worth living for. I love writing, so I started writing again a couple months ago and it has helped me immensely. My job is not the best so I don't have a lot of money to spare but this years I started taking little trips too and going to new places, seeing new people, experiencing a new routine has also encouraged me to keep things going. And, of course, being with my friends... that's the best part. I always feel whole when I'm with them. What I'm saying is that life is not kind most of the time. There will be days where a dark cloud will lurk above your head telling you the most awful things. I know that because I experience it a lot. And since you've moved countries and are alone (I presume, sorry for the assumption) it can get even harder. Fighting with depression for over +10 years can be hard, and sometimes we think we're "used" to it because we've been dealing with it for so long, but it never gets easy. It's hard. It's tiring. The headaches, the lack of will, the complete absence of energy. All of these things are terrible, and dealing with them it's not nice. But I promise you there's things out there worth living for. It might not look like it right now, but there's something out there worth living for. Maybe it's a book you didn't read yet, or a beach you never visited, or a love waiting for you around the corner. I can't say life will suddenly get nice and smooth and you'll never suffer again because that's not true, every one has bad days, bad weeks, bad periods of time, but we as humans must navigate through these emotions and find things to keep us grounded. I really hope you change your mind and I really hope nice things come your way soon. There's still a lot to live, a lot to experience, a lot of people to meet, and when that happens I'm sure you'll look back and think how grateful you are for not ending it all. Be kind to yourself Edited June 17 by Venice B 1
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