Specter Posted April 14 Posted April 14 Now, the title may seem facetious and the whole idea of making a thread like this on atrl dot net might seem deeply unserious, but in lieu of providing deeply personal and traumatic information (something that the folk on the site CANNOT be trusted with: see the literal banner), I figured I would just ask in this rather curt way. I have tried/am getting professional help, am "killing it" academically where I am (grad school, prestigious uni), and have the "respect" (whatever that means) of my peers/professors. I've tried a lot of things. Here's the kicker though: none of it matters. It makes no difference. I have been dealing with this gnawing, crippling depression for more than a decade now, and successive losses of people for like 4 years straight in my "prime" or whatever have irreparably changed me. I do not really care about love, friendship, or whatever and so the reverse is true. None of it really matters; and I have a very complicated (read: corrosive) relation to my body image/food which is also cratering big time, toxically. It is not as simple as going to the gym; I get lost in thoughts about the time I lost and all that and it just spirals. I actually do/did exercise quite a bit; it usually made me feel like **** because of the weight of lost time as opposed to the often-touted panacea of endorphins. So. This thread might be uncomfortable, and isn't an attempt either way to get validation — certainly nothing "changes" based on the anonymous comments on here; but there is some power (or perhaps, liberatory disregard?) in asking strangers whether it is ethical to go on when one truly believes a life worth living is out of the question. What has held me back is my family, with whom ties are strained but are bound, for better or worse, by shared trauma. I'm also not explicitly seeking out survival stories from y'all, but would welcome them if it felt natural. [I should also add this is more so a discussion, I am not at risk as we speak, ideation, for today. Not intent yet.] 1
Popular Post Laura Palmer Posted April 14 Popular Post Posted April 14 Sudoku is a fun puzzle I'd definitely recommend! 15
tost1 Posted April 14 Posted April 14 Sudoku is never the answer, just get stronger SSRIs from your doctor and you will see life makes sense
Kayseri Mantisi Posted April 14 Posted April 14 We all will die so even if you're suffering let things happen naturally since you'll never know what future will bring You're just causing something that is 100% GOING TO happen to happen earlier Try to take things less seriously and know that you'll die either way so no need to try it yourself Better days are waiting for you The answer is: NO. 8 5
tost1 Posted April 14 Posted April 14 Depression is a result of a chemical inbalance in your brain (or something like that, don't quote me on it) and you are unable to produce (enough) serotonine. I was in extreme depression (never thought of sudoku though) and once I got a proper medication it made life bareable. It doesn't solve all your issues and it's hard work but at least it eases the pain and you can see things from a different perspective. There is only one life and there's no point in ending it abruptly.
Sun Posted April 14 Posted April 14 Girl, on the real, im on the exact same page as you and have also been seriously considering it for the past couple of months. I've dealt with depression since 10 years old and even through my highest of highs or "peaks" in life, I never cared for nor understood the meaning of life. It's just boring to me and I'm tired. I didn't ask for this ****. And I feel like those who get it, get it. You're not alone in this!
NEX Posted April 14 Posted April 14 Try microdosing LSD. Maybe a bit more than microdosing. Like a quarter of a dose to try in the morning and see what it does for you for the next few days. There's also higher dose options to be administered medically. These things can make fundamental life long changes for you mentally
Specter Posted April 14 Author Posted April 14 Just now, Kayseri Mantisi said: We all will die so even if you're suffering let things happen naturally since you'll never know what future will bring You're just causing something that is 100% GOING TO happen to happen earlier Try to take things less seriously and know that you'll die either way so no need to try it yourself Better days are waiting for you The answer is: NO. I mean I get this but quick counterpoint, perhaps a bit selfish one: had I decided before, I would have not seen what I can only call the "untimely" demise of so many people that were rather close to me. I think about them everyday. We all do die one day. But there is something to be said about living in the shadow of death that I find unbearable, ya know?
Johnny Jacobs Posted April 14 Posted April 14 (edited) Pls don't seek this kind of help on ATRL. As someone who suffered from clinical depression and been exactly where you are at (perfect life that feels nothing like it), i got professional help. You literally have nothing to lose by trying to get help. If you want someone to talk to you can pm me at any time 24/7 It truly gets better. Edited April 14 by Johnny Jacobs 6
visions Posted April 14 Posted April 14 Well, no, never. For a start, your "prime" is never when you think it should be. Depression doesn't care how well you're doing in life, you just need to find a way to have a full life whilst keeping it in check as best you can. I can't pretend to know what you're going through but you're going to meet people you love one day and who will love you, and if you commit you'll be stealing them and yourself of that love. It's just NEVER worth it. You say you don't care about love/friendship etc. but I think you want to care about those things, it's gonna require an entire change in perspective though. What professional help are you getting right now? Are you on medication? 3
Blue Rose Posted April 14 Posted April 14 No because you will most likely fail and then that will create more problems.
Princess Aurora Posted April 14 Posted April 14 I thought you meant sudoku like the game........ Anyway no. Life is meant to be lived to the fullest 2
suburbannature Posted April 14 Posted April 14 15 minutes ago, NEX said: Try microdosing LSD. Maybe a bit more than microdosing. Like a quarter of a dose to try in the morning and see what it does for you for the next few days. There's also higher dose options to be administered medically. These things can make fundamental life long changes for you mentally this is a placebo effect, fwiw. 1
playboi Posted April 14 Posted April 14 24 minutes ago, NEX said: Try microdosing LSD. Maybe a bit more than microdosing. Like a quarter of a dose to try in the morning and see what it does for you for the next few days. There's also higher dose options to be administered medically. These things can make fundamental life long changes for you mentally this is so dangerous you can be allergic to these things without even knowing and suffer from a massive psychotic episode/lifelong schizophrenia after just one use
Virgos Groove Posted April 14 Posted April 14 I can't pretend to know what you're going through, so I'll just offer my own personal experience: it does get better. I was idealizing last year and after getting professional help (and Lexapro), it completely changed my outlook. Are you on medication?
NEX Posted April 14 Posted April 14 13 minutes ago, playboi said: this is so dangerous you can be allergic to these things without even knowing and suffer from a massive psychotic episode/lifelong schizophrenia after just one use It's one of the most harmless things available out there. Not going to have any episode or even a "trip" from a microdose. Notice how I said that higher doses are available medically and didn't even suggest to take a normal size recreational dose. 1
May Posted April 14 Posted April 14 36 minutes ago, Blue Rose said: No because you will most likely fail and then that will create more problems. failing would be so embarrassing too Probs best to just not even try
KatyPrismSpirit Posted April 14 Posted April 14 (edited) This wont solve your problems and will absolutely ruin the lives of the people around you so i would not do it. You should realize that there is more in life worth living for basically. Sounds basic but its the truth and a tough pill to swallow. Your problems are truly not the end of the world, no matter how hard it might seem in the moment. Edited April 14 by KatyPrismSpirit
jesus del rey Posted April 14 Posted April 14 Do you feel like the professional help you are taking helping you? There are different types of therapies and it can be that you need a different type of therapy.
Archetype Posted April 14 Posted April 14 (edited) 2 hours ago, Phantom said: I have tried/am getting professional help Are you saying what you just said in your post to your therapist? They can only help you if you are truly willing to receive help. They need to know that what they are currently doing is not helping in the way it needs to. Regardless, life is full of death… and life. Everyone we know will eventually die, and that is so depressing, but there as so many good things to recognize about the time we spent with them, and time we will spend with new people too. Being able to move on is one of the most difficult lessons to learn in life, but someone as intelligent as you has all of the ability to do so if you really work towards it. Mental health can be a challenge that requires serious work to improve, like the amount of effort you've put in to make it to a prestigious grad school. It's not a side story that you can just sort of deal with only when you're feeling the absolute worst, that's not going to cut it. You need to find the value in your life and grow confident in who you are and can become. You need to find goals that excite you and will push you to go even further and will make you happy. Like I said, doing this requires more honesty with yourself and with your therapist. It requires self discipline and an immense amount of patience, abilities that you regularly use for your academic achievements. Don't give up on yourself. Edited April 14 by Archetype
whoopsadaisy Posted April 14 Posted April 14 You'd be expanding the trauma of losing loved ones, creating a permanent hole for your family that would never be filled please know that it gets better — don't give up finding someone who can help
MasterExpose Posted April 14 Posted April 14 I knew of someone that jumped from a 5th floor and somehow survived but now bind to a bed paralyzed from the neck down. She regrets not jumping from an 8th floor every day and hates her life even more now.
Strawberry Bubble Posted April 14 Posted April 14 Do you find yourself obsessively focused on academia and studying? This might be the problem. When you put all your effort and obsession into just one activity, you might be ignoring and neglecting other aspects of life. It can be challenging, especially when you've earned respect due to your academic performance. However, taking time to rest, exercise, and engage in social activities (or explore new hobbies if making new friends is difficult) is as important, if not more important, than other activities. The world can be harsh. While excelling in your profession is commendable, you'll soon realize that to grow professionally in today's world, factors like networking, social interactions, and financial stability within a supportive family environment are often more critical. This realization is crucial because you might find yourself lost, realizing that focusing solely on academia wasn't the wisest choice. No matter how talented or hardworking you are, the world can be unfair, and some individuals who are less diligent or obsessive may find success more easily. 1
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