discussion Is dating just too hard nowadays? Need encouragement.

[Just a Gay on ATRL]

Hi all! Going to get only slightly personal in the Lounge because I thought this was a topic the average ATRLer may relate to or just be able to give me general encouragement on.

 

Very brief backstory: I took a huge break from dating, besides the occasional flop first date, between 2020-2023. Long story short, I was in 2 terrible jobs that overworked me like crazy for the majority of that time and Covid was also going on, leading me to some mental health struggles. I am in a better job now and better mental headspace and finally feel ready to try dating again more often.

 

I physically feel in decent shape, I don’t have a six pack or anything but am happy with my body and looks rn. 
 

The dating apps are AWFUL. I have used them my entire 20s. They just keep getting worse and less fulfilling. So much ghosting. So many random pauses in conversation. So many flop first dates.  I know I need to keep trying but damn it’s hard sometimes. I cannot wait for the day I no longer have to use these things.

 

I have some LGBT friend groups that I go out on average once a weekend nowadays but have not had much luck meeting a guy out in person rn. Hopefully that changes. But it is tiresome. I am not looking for random hookups but that feels like so overwhelmingly what people want.
 

Anyways, stopping myself there. Do the rest of you all find that dating in 2023 is exhausting and fruitless? 

[byzantium]

10 minutes ago, Resident of Gag City said:

Do the rest of you all find that dating in 2023 is exhausting and fruitless? 

Gosh yes.  finding anyone interested in developing a relationship is impossible these days it seems.  

Edited January 12 by byzantium

[punisher]

yes, nobody has self-respect these days all they want is your body. idk what happened to love and building connections with someone but it seems like all people wanna do is hook up and go 

[Just a Gay on ATRL]

5 minutes ago, byzantium said:

Gosh yes.  finding anyone interested in developing a relationship is impossible these days it seems.  

I think people have too many options because of the apps. They can never really focus in on one person for too long because there’s always the thought they could find someone better instantly, whether for sex or love. I don’t think humans were meant to have this many dating options in the palm of their hands tbh.

[Devin]

dating is a challenge no matter who u are.

 

if u have standards, its extremely hard to find someone who match ur energy or willing to put in the work to build a long-term relationship. most ppl fall in LUST, f*ck, then on to the next.

[PrettyHurts]

The apps are definitely in decline. I kind of feel like a lot of people found partners throughout the pandemic. But don’t give up, there’s always someone out there 

[BODERLINE]

I've basically given up on it completely. The exhaustion just isn't worth it.

[Robert]

Yes, men are all trash and dating apps are just a waste if time filled with people mostly trying to boost their ego or promote their IG/SC.

[Revolution]

most people are trash so yes

[Redstreak]

Honestly I’m so glad I’m dating someone right now, I was single for like 5 years before that. Honestly if I become single again I’m not gonna even try 💀

[St. Charles]

I think it depends. A lot of people are on a kick of convincing themselves / others that “I don’t really care that much.” That’s why people want to call it “talking” instead of dating now. And why double texting is made to be some big deal. It’s also why people have those long pauses in convos. A lot of people even have “idc I never check this app anymore, my friends told me to make this as a joke xd.” or something similar in their bios.

 

Nobody wants to be seen as the “more interested” person so they have this false air of nonchalance. It’s because they’re scared of putting themselves out there and getting ghosted. So they put forth a very dry and milquetoast version of themselves and, oftentimes, even become the ghoster themselves.

[Asscatchem]

youre using the apps wrong. make meeting asap your first priority. complement them immediately upon matching and offer a dinner date. back and forth texting is a meaningless catalyst, get to the point! learn about them in person than through the app!

[What_A_Mess]

53 minutes ago, Robert said:

Yes, men are all trash and dating apps are just a waste if time filled with people mostly trying to boost their ego or promote their IG/SC.

This exactly. I get matches but only with guys who have IGs to promote. They never respond. In the perfect world I would like to date seriously but most guys on apps are just Social Media follower hungry timewasters. I’m still on the swiping apps though just in case someone genuine comes along but not getting my hopes up. I haven’t had a proper date in 7months. Just hooking up with guys from Grindr in the mean time.

[Strawberry Bubble]

Maybe dating apps are mainly used for hook-ups right now...

 

 

[Digitalism]

I think people are slowly realizing they don't need to date and that they can just be alone in a much more stable mental state

[GoodGuyGoneGhetto]

52 minutes ago, Asscatchem said:

youre using the apps wrong. make meeting asap your first priority. complement them immediately upon matching and offer a dinner date. back and forth texting is a meaningless catalyst, get to the point! learn about them in person than through the app!

 

1 hour ago, Robert said:

Yes, men are all trash and dating apps are just a waste if time filled with people mostly trying to boost their ego or promote their IG/SC.

 

1 hour ago, byzantium said:

Gosh yes.  finding anyone interested in developing a relationship is impossible these days it seems.  

I agree. 

 

That said, even the apps that have been marketed as genuine/traditional dating apps over the last few years have decline ie. Hinge, Uniformed Dating, eHarmony etc.

 

I went back on Hinge the other day and I don’t know what the f*ck is going on but the Gay section of that app has LITERALLY turned into Grindr 2.0. All I see are semi-naked profiles with men showing off their asses or bulges (generally with the top end of their pubes sticking out) yet in their bio they’re talking about wanting “honest, loyal men” and how they’re “looking for love”. Meanwhile, I get women matching me quite often and it’s the complete opposite.

 

 

Aside from that, whenever I speak to someone they tell me that they’re only looking to “date casually” or “be friends” or “vibes and seeing where things go” - codename: Let’s f*ck and figure out what’s next afterwards. 
 

It may not mean much, but my straight friends are finding more luck in the dating field tbh. Most (not all) Gay men just aren’t willing to commit to a relationship and I’m seeing alot more who don’t want to be monogamous also. 

Edited January 12 by GoodGuyGoneGhetto

[TeemoR]

Unfortunately, we live in the TikTok era. Everyone's attention span is like 5 minutes. It is really hard nowadays but you have to stay true to who you are and what you are looking for and it's going to happen. 

[Garbaj]

hey, first off i want 2 say; you got this! it may feel hard now, but i promise it will get easier, there are billions of people in the world. 

 

second: i used to have this problem, i'm currently engaged and i'm getting married in nov. i've been in a relationship for 6 years now, and before that; it was soooo tiring trying 2 find people that have the same values as me. but here i am, and it gets easier. i would say just take things one day at a time, you'll definitely find the one for you. maybe push yourself more, go to clubs/hangouts, hell; maybe someone within your friend group is into you. 

[Last Boy on Earth]

Dating is a thing of the past y’all need to start accepting it 

[Uncatena]

8 minutes ago, Last Boy on Earth said:

Dating is a thing of the past y’all need to start accepting it 

so people are just not gonna be in relationships anymore?

 

2 hours ago, BODERLINE said:

I've basically given up on it completely. The exhaustion just isn't worth it.

same. most people are irritating anyways. 

[queenoftheclouds]

1 hour ago, Garbaj said:

hey, first off i want 2 say; you got this! it may feel hard now, but i promise it will get easier, there are billions of people in the world. 

 

second: i used to have this problem, i'm currently engaged and i'm getting married in nov. i've been in a relationship for 6 years now, and before that; it was soooo tiring trying 2 find people that have the same values as me. but here i am, and it gets easier. i would say just take things one day at a time, you'll definitely find the one for you. maybe push yourself more, go to clubs/hangouts, hell; maybe someone within your friend group is into you. 

How am I going to hell?

[Mornings]

I am so picky on dating apps. I have hard no’s especially in communication style. I didn’t go on dates with people who I didn’t feel comfortable talking to or if it felt off in any way. I ran out of options on Hinge and Tinder more than once😂😂.  I only went on two dates and on the second I met someone who I actually really like. It’s now the 7th or 8th date in 3 weeks and we are taking things realllllly slow. 
 

Besides feeling lonely I love my single life. So unless I feel like I can be myself around the person 100% I’m not even going to bother.  I know I’m being myself and it will not just be easy to meet someone who gets it and knows what to do with me. Even now with the current guy I have no expectations. I would like a stable boyfriend but who knows what will happen. 
 

anyway just check in with yourself about what you need and make sure you’re not going on dates with people you already know can’t do for you what you need from a future date

[Dula Peep]

I gave up a long time ago and it's been pretty great, I've been having the time of my life.

 

I think people are in such a rush at a young age to partner up etc and unless you're a girl (with that biological clock ticking, and want children) I really don't see the point?... Enjoy being single!

[harwee]

People are so distracted with so many things, its amazing. You're on a date and they start talking about what's on the news. Not everyone of course, but the temptation to talk about irrelevant stuff is worse than ever.

[imabadkid]

soooo I just went on a rant on The Roof about this. The short of it - I met a cute guy at the gym, he’s straight (according to him, has only dated women) I typically am not all that crazy about straight guys because… well because they use you for one thing but I didn’t expect us to get married. I end up driving two hours to his house only for him to hold me hostage in his living room talking about aliens, Elon M*sk being his idol, billionaires and AI taking over the world. then he tells me we can’t hook up because he has a girl coming over later but to come back next week OR I can stay and we can have a threes*me… 

 

some of these men nowadays have a v high opinion of themselves. idk if it’s Instagram or social media or what but like bro wtf is wrong with you. And I hear a lot of similar stories from my friends… I say all that to say it definitely is rough, I do think in 2024 we have made SOME movement on men and how they view sexuality but that becomes a whole other issue because now you’re just being used for a quickie. It’s a mess.