discussion hookup culture: yay or nay?

[Asscatchem]

3 minutes ago, feelslikeadream said:

"Happened"? Gays have been cruising since antiquity, what do you mean? 

 

If anything, heteronormativity "happened" to gays after gay liberation in the '70s (though the impulse to follow the standards of straight relationships got stronger in the post-AIDS world). Before the '70s, hookup culture was gay culture, since it was essentially illegal to act on queer desire, making the vast majority of queer interactions clandestine and anonymous.

something doesnt sit right with attributing wanting monogamy and not being into hookups "heteronormative" like that's a very monolithic way of viewing gay culture 

[feelslikeadream]

2 minutes ago, Asscatchem said:

something doesnt sit right with attributing wanting monogamy and not being into hookups "heteronormative" like that's a very monolithic way of viewing gay culture 

I'm not sure I follow, but am happy to hear more. Straight relationship culture is quite monolithic, which is why we have the term heteronormative at all and why you immediately know what it means when you see it (monogamy, marriage, living together, probably having children, etc.).

 

Whether you like that model of a relationship or not, it's clearly true that:

A. The vast majority of straight people practice it, and

B. Queer people did not—or could not—until ~50 years ago. 

 

Obviously, some queer people think it's great to have the opportunity to engage in heteronormative behaviors (as the straights have been for centuries), while others embrace more traditionally queer patterns of relationality. I'm not judging either side here, but I'm not sure what issue you have with using the term heteronormative to describe normative behaviors of heterosexuals.

[Asscatchem]

Just now, feelslikeadream said:

I'm not sure I follow, but am happy to hear more. Straight relationship culture is quite monolithic, which is why we have the term heteronormative at all and why you immediately know what it means when you see it (monogamy, marriage, living together, probably having children, etc.).

 

Whether you like that model of a relationship or not, it's clearly true that:

A. The vast majority of straight people practice it, and

B. Queer people did not—or could not—until ~50 years ago. 

 

Obviously, some queer people think it's great to have the opportunity to engage in heteronormative behaviors (as the straights have been for centuries), while others embrace more traditionally queer patterns of relationality. I'm not judging either side here, but I'm not sure what issue you have with using the term heteronormative to describe normative behaviors of heterosexuals.

idk, open relationships/ hookup culture exists amongst straight people too. why cant we attribute monogamy/not wanting hookups to a human desire of wanting stability rather than a characteristic somehow unique to hetero culture?

[feelslikeadream]

2 minutes ago, Asscatchem said:

idk, open relationships/ hookup culture exists amongst straight people too. why cant we attribute monogamy/not wanting hookups to a human desire of wanting stability rather than a characteristic somehow unique to hetero culture?

Oh. I think I get you now. It sounds like you're thinking of the term in a more philosophical way, while I'm using it historically.

 

I prefer to use a historical framework when looking at sexuality and relationships because it's objective and observable. I don't personally believe there is a "human desire" for monogamy (I think it's all but impossible to separate our ~natural desires~ from the heavily ideological world we are born into and grow up in), so I don't see it as a good or bad thing for gays to want or not want hookups  In other words, there's no judgment in the term heteronormative for me: I simply mean "doing what straights have been doing forever." Hope that clarifies my use of it, even if you prefer to consider these points via a different framework.

[LoveInStereo]

The prompt was what do you like. Idk why this convo always devolves into the notion that monogamists are conformists & pursuing an unnatural lifestyle. Can you just talk about your own personal experiences without bashing the rest of us & trying to read minds? All you know for certain is how you feel about your own life. That’s it. For me, I’m hella sentimental & I couldn’t share my body with someone & not feel some kinda sense of attachment & in turn, rejection, when it ends. If I’m not wrecked when it’s over, I’m not happy it happened in the first place

[Reginald]

Yes  I've had so many incredible, passionate hookups and FWBs. It's surprising in retrospect, when I was younger I never thought I would be confident enough to have a high "body count"  

 

That said, I'm very much satisfied with both the serious relationships and hookups I've had. So, for now, I'm more interested in being single and focusing on myself 

[SlowGinFizzzz]

It's nice to know the option exists and having the gays thirst for you can be a cute ego boost, but it can get tired pretty easily and in my experience, sex tends to be better when it's with someone you have some kind of connection with (not even necessarily a romantic relationship). 

[AvadaKedavra]

Im honestly done with it. Last year i thought about fully gettin into that but i dont know if i can find real happiness riskin my life and havin a messy life

I was like 2024. Is the year where i will go wild but now im havin a change of heart. I think this year i just wanna be myself, improve myself, grow up and stop focusing on men or women lol

But of course everyone should be free to do whatever they want as long as it makes them happy
I think im realizing different things make me happy

Edited January 2 by AvadaKedavra

[JBJT2786]

After I broke up with my ex in 2017 I went though a phase between 2017 and 2020 where I just messed around. But it was a phase. I feel like it hookup culture is more of your identity with no view for love it becomes a problem.

 

So yes if it's just a period of time.

[ICLDXU4HS]

I have short-lived little phases every now and then where I make use of it. I couldn't live my life constantly exposing myself to it. 

 

[Kimi]

tbh you're gonna have a lot of bad sex if you do it with random people genuinely good sex is difficult and takes time and pratice which is something you don't have if you change partners all the time. also stds, a lot of annyoing convos about the same topics and exposiure to drugs. It sounds way more fun that it actually is, especially long term.

[Saint James]

doesn't work if ur depressed

[Infinity]

I’m very sex positive but hookups can cause despair. 

[ebaby]

if you know how to use the apps correctly, safely, and in your favor hookups are great

 

[Whis]

12 minutes ago, ebaby said:

if you know how to use the apps correctly, safely, and in your favor hookups are great

 

Any tips?

[Leptine]

I don't care, people can do whatever they want, hooking up has always been a thing since ever and not only related to gays, prostitution is literally the oldest profession in the world.

[SapphireSky]

I'm sick of it at the moment 

[ebaby]

30 minutes ago, Whis said:

Any tips?

- have a good profile

- don't waste your time with DL people

- start to learn how to spot bad experiences before they happen (if someone is texting you with weird vibes it's probably going to be weird vibes)

- if you're using the apps at 3am chances are you're going to be talking to other desperate people, I tend to try to meet someone much earlier in the night because it feels more natural and takes pressure off

- embrace intimacy and talking with people you hook up with,  hookups don't have to be devoid of tenderness: find people who are open to that

- which leads to my next point: seek out fwb connections on the apps, people you can actually have a friendship with and trust.

- my number one rule is don't be afraid to literally walk out of situations that are either not fun,  you don't feel safe, you feel uncomfortable etc. I've got up and left many bedrooms  if you're not feeling it — listen to that! you deserve the best experiences and don't settle for anything less.

 

 

the apps can be great if you use them correctly in ways that serve you

Edited January 2 by ebaby

[harwee]

yes Its making sex less satisfying

[DamianSolo]

I dabbled in it and am over it. I mainly did so just to have some type of physical connection with someone, even if temporarily. With the prevalence of hook-up culture within the gay community, you're practically ignored if you're looking for an actual relationship. Being open to sexual escapades, however, virtually had everyone reaching out to me. I understand how empty it actually all is, though. Even with it being great in the moment, I was left with nothing in the end. And that's such an awful feeling, when I know I desire more out of someone.

 

So, nay.