discussion How do you deal with trust issues in relationships?

[Cyanide]

I’m someone who has insane trust issues from childhood and when my trust issues or fears of abandonment flare up, it makes me shut down. It’s almost like, “you’re gonna hurt me anyway so just go away” 

 

I should probably go back to therapy yeah but wondering what self soothing things people do or think to themselves when these issues and fears come up?

[DeadInside]

You need to get their Passcode on their phone so you can check in on them and see if it's just in ur head or not. 

[Asscatchem]

working on your self esteem is so important. being able to stand on your own and being smart regarding who deserves to see you with your armor down. it wont be easy nor fast but that's what makes it special. when your guts find a genuine connection foster it slowly like a credit score

[JonginBey]

Well, for starters, stay out of a relationship until you work that out. It won’t be fair to the other person if they’re not doing anything wrong.

[Illuminati]

I tell myself I'm stupid and bottle it up It's tough but you can't let your insecurities sabotage you

[Cyanide]

10 minutes ago, JonginBey said:

Well, for starters, stay out of a relationship until you work that out. It won’t be fair to the other person if they’re not doing anything wrong.

What if it’s something that’s already been communicated and discussed in detail with the other person? Do people with trauma not deserve to at least have the space to grow in a healthy relationship?

[Cyanide]

6 minutes ago, Illuminati said:

I tell myself I'm stupid and bottle it up It's tough but you can't let your insecurities sabotage you

And then how does it eventually come out?? Or has it not come out

[Asscatchem]

Just now, Cyanide said:

What if it’s something that’s already been communicated and discussed in detail with the other person? Do people with trauma not deserve to at least have the space to grow in a healthy relationship?

but why would you want to be co-dependent on another to heal? at least with a therapist theyre working for you. i believe in working on yourself unless you absolutely trust that person on a family level

[Illuminati]

1 minute ago, Cyanide said:

And then how does it eventually come out?? Or has it not come out

You can talk about it with a therapist, or perhaps even a friend you can trust (who won't tell your partner) if you just need reassurance for that moment.

[Cyanide]

22 minutes ago, Asscatchem said:

but why would you want to be co-dependent on another to heal? at least with a therapist theyre working for you. i believe in working on yourself unless you absolutely trust that person on a family level

Yeah I get that. It just got serious so fast in a way that I wasn’t expecting and I’m shutting down because of fear of getting hurt (this is all internal btw, externally everything is normal and I’ve also been communicative of these feelings we talked about it)

 

I like your advice of fostering it slowly like a credit score

[Littlejfrey]

48 minutes ago, Cyanide said:

I should probably go back to therapy

This is the right answer, everything that people say in here might work as a "band-aid" but it won't fix the root of your trust issues

[#Beautiful]

you get help in therapy before you mess up an innocent person 

[WildOne]

25 minutes ago, Cyanide said:

It just got serious so fast in a way that I wasn’t expecting and I’m shutting down because of fear of getting hurt

Why the rush to get serious? If it’s meant to be it will be, and building trust and love organically over time will make for a more solid foundation. If you rush in and it’s not meant to be you’re in for a world of hurt that you didn’t need to go through. 

[Cyanide]

Thanks for the advice everyone! I decided to go back into therapy and have started the hunt. I’m just gonna continue to be open about my feelings and work on it simultaneously there.

 

if anyone else is looking to go on a similar journey, this is a really cool resource my friend sent me this morning!

 

https://nqttcn.com/en/
 

 

[AMIT]

3 hours ago, Cyanide said:

What if it’s something that’s already been communicated and discussed in detail with the other person? Do people with trauma not deserve to at least have the space to grow in a healthy relationship?

We all have traumas, some more than others. As long as you are honest with your partner (which you seem to be considering that first question), I don't see the issue tbh. Like others said, therapy can be helpful as well, but I would advise you to think about your expectations because it's not as easy as it may seem to find a decent professional that will help you on what you want. 

[KatyPrismSpirit]

3 hours ago, #Beautiful said:

you get help in therapy before you mess up an innocent person 

oop

[DamianSolo]

It ultimately depends on where those trust issues are coming from. You can't hold what someone else did against that person, but you also can't ignore blatant signs that a person is giving. Sometimes it's warranted, other times it's not. It's just about understanding the situation for what it is. At that point, you either need to gain confidence and deal with your own personal issues or you call out the person you're in a relationship with and have them explain themselves.

[zasderfght]

Cliched but true: the traumatic experience you're describing was out of your control-- healing is what is in your control and is expected of you. 

 

Yes, you can be in a relationship if you struggle with any sort of issue; I think the reason why people are saying "focus on yourself" is because a relationship can still be a stressor, especially when both of you don't agree on a decision. Proper emotional regulation and the ability to directly and openly communicate & resolve conflict are MUSTS. If you can do these things, and you genuinely love yourself to take care of yourself so that the relationship benefits both of you, you will be golden. 

 

 

[Alldeezy]

yes .. that's why i'm single