discussion Victim-complex/mentality, how do you get rid of it?

[fememeist]

At this current moment in life, I can say that I have no friends/best friends and I have never kept any sort of relationship(romantic or friendly/platonic) up. I always kept the same group of two or three friends from childhood and elementary until 2020, when I fell out with them. 
 

My older sister who has been in a long relationship with her partner since I was a teenager, has told me when I asked her for advise about dating and keeping someone in your life is that I’ll find someone one day. However, I was talking to this guy for about two weeks and I thought things were going good with the casual conversations until he ghosted me for three days. I blocked him on everything and I just feel drained by people. Is it wrong to assume the worst in people based on my experiences?

(This guy is just a long list of guys I’ve talked/dated around and just continues a recurring pattern of falling out of interest).

 

 

Edited November 14, 2023 by fememeist

[AMIT]

My advice is to work on yourself, by any way you feel that could bring you joy and fulfillment regardless of what others think you should do or pursue. Studying what spikes your interest, exercising, learning any kind of skill, join some group or anything really. There is no one size fits all right answer to this kind of stuff. I will say that unless you are a very private/recluse person that staying in contact with people near you regularly can prove to be beneficial to you.

 

I might be wrong, but I don't notice any kind of ''victim complex'' going by what you choose to share. Not everything is under your control and that's okay, we put way too much pressure on people in general to be the best version of themselves and if they fail it's their fault, but it's much more complicated than that. Not every has the same resources or perspectives to no fault of their own.

 

Be kind to yourself, the way we organize ourselves in general is bound to leave many of us alienated, lonely, depressed and all kinds of undesirable states of mind. I can relate to the fact that it seems like nice people are hard to come by these days, but assuming the worst of people seems like a defense mechanism. I think we should be honest with and respect each other as a principle, but of course we are very flawed in general and that can and will lead to frustration here and there and that's a normal thing that we can learn to deal with. Wish you well. 

[GraceRandolph]

I would get in therapy if you can. They’ll help you lay out plans to improve yourself. I just think some of us aren’t meant to be these social butterflies and that’s fine.

[fememeist]

19 minutes ago, AMIT said:

I might be wrong, but I don't notice any kind of ''victim complex'' going by what you choose to share. Not everything is under your control and that's okay, we put way too much pressure on people in general to be the best version of themselves and if they fail it's their fault, but it's much more complicated than that. Not every has the same resources or perspectives to no fault of their own.

 

Wish you well. 

Thank you for all of this(I just unquoted the first and third paragraph because I agree with your valuable advice. it just takes up so much space when typing )

 

In regards to putting pressure on others to be the best version of themselves, I found myself doing this a lot when I was younger about 5-6 years ago, when I felt like I was on top of the world with my social life/friends. I put such high standards and expectations on the guys I was talking to that I can acknowledge now that I was creating a fantasy version of said guys. 
 

In conjunction to falling off with my only 3 best friends in 2020 and a guy I was talking to at the time, I completely shifted from placing expectations on others to blaming myself for these shortcomings. I’m still stuck in this mindset that I am the reason why people don’t stay in my life. That I shouldn’t be too overtly nice and giving(which I kind of am by personality with my colleagues and family) otherwise I’ll be taken advantage of. I keep telling myself to see a therapist and my employer covers these sessions, which is a great thing. Idk when I’ll go to therapy, but I just hope that it can help me.

Edited November 14, 2023 by fememeist

[bad guy]

I think you have to look inward and figure out why you have no friends (and why they all seemed to stop being friends with you). But you seem to kinda own that already so maybe figure out why that happened and try not to repeat that. As far as making new friends, if you’re in school that should be easy but if not then try coworkers. It’ll take more time but when anyone complains about making friends it really all boils down to you. You have to put in that effort otherwise it’s not gonna happen. And be prepared for failure at making friends even if you try because some people just won’t vibe with you or don’t want new friends.

 

As far as relationships go, I don’t have any great advice since dating nowadays is total garbage but basically same thing applies. You have to work for what you want and romantic relationships take a lot of work and patience, which you seem to lack. You’re getting ghosted because they either lost interest, deleted the app, or found someone new. All unpredictable things that sometimes you can’t avoid. Try to meet people in social settings (bar, work, coffee shops, school, etc.) rather than apps. If you feel like you are the reason people don’t stay in your life then you have to change your behaviors, that is if you really believe that and want people to stay. 
 

I don’t think you have a victim complex though since you’re acknowledging already that you wanna change.

[fememeist]

3 minutes ago, bad guy said:

I think you have to look inward and figure out why you have no friends (and why they all seemed to stop being friends with you). But you seem to kinda own that already so maybe figure out why that happened and try not to repeat that. As far as making new friends, if you’re in school that should be easy but if not then try coworkers. It’ll take more time but when anyone complains about making friends it really all boils down to you. You have to put in that effort otherwise it’s not gonna happen. And be prepared for failure at making friends even if you try because some people just won’t vibe with you or don’t want new friends.

 

As far as relationships go, I don’t have any great advice since dating nowadays is total garbage but basically same thing applies. You have to work for what you want and romantic relationships take a lot of work and patience, which you seem to lack. You’re getting ghosted because they either lost interest, deleted the app, or found someone new. All unpredictable things that sometimes you can’t avoid. Try to meet people in social settings (bar, work, coffee shops, school, etc.) rather than apps. If you feel like you are the reason people don’t stay in your life then you have to change your behaviors, that is if you really believe that and want people to stay. 
 

I don’t think you have a victim complex though since you’re acknowledging already that you wanna change.

Thank you, but damn this advice is like medicine I have a hard time swallowing.

For the longest time from 2018 to 2021 I completely became inactive(stopped going to the gym, didn’t eat balanced meals, increased my intake). I went from a 125 LB. Asian twink to a 195(peak weight in 2020) LB. chub. I’ve been making slow steps by walking almost everyday from work to home(~2 miles) and it’s been helping my mood and slowly building my confidence. 
I’ve also been recording and posting food videos since November last year, and I’ve been proud of my progress of shooting and recipes. I think I still have some ways to go from where I was from, but I’m just happy to be alive and healthy. 

[bad guy]

2 minutes ago, fememeist said:

Thank you, but damn this advice is like medicine I have a hard time swallowing.

For the longest time from 2018 to 2021 I completely became inactive(stopped going to the gym, didn’t eat balanced meals, increased my intake). I went from a 125 LB. Asian twink to a 195(peak weight in 2020) LB. chub. I’ve been making slow steps by walking almost everyday from work to home(~2 miles) and it’s been helping my mood and slowly building my confidence. 
I’ve also been recording and posting food videos since November last year, and I’ve been proud of my progress of shooting and recipes. I think I still have some ways to go from where I was from, but I’m just happy to be alive and healthy. 

It seems like you’re already taking care of yourself physically and mentally (cooking) so I would focus on that as much as you can until you feel that confidence again. It’s hard work to work on yourself but if 2020 taught me anything it’s that life is very short and to embrace the hard things in life because it’ll only make you grow and become stronger (if you allow it to). Good luck.

[jesus del rey]

Maybe its not a question of why your friends/people around you stop talking to you but a question of why are you trying to take people (who will not stay and don't want to stay in your life) to your life. 

[fememeist]

2 minutes ago, jesus del rey said:

Maybe its not a question of why your friends/people around you stop talking to you but a question of why are you trying to take people (who will not stay and don't want to stay in your life) to your life. 

Oh, I mean it depends on how close of a relationship I’ve developed with the individual.

If it’s someone like my ex best friends who I’ve known for practically my whole life, yeah I’ve thought I did my best to save the friendships by communicating feelings, but it didn’t end up saving it. 

 

I’m definitely not forcing anyone to stay in any friendship/relationship now, maybe when I was younger, but I don’t feel like I’m doing that right now. 

[jesus del rey]

Just now, fememeist said:

Oh, I mean it depends on how close of a relationship I’ve developed with the individual.

If it’s someone like my ex best friends who I’ve known for practically my whole life, yeah I’ve thought I did my best to save the friendships by communicating feelings, but it didn’t end up saving it. 

 

I’m definitely not forcing anyone to stay in any friendship/relationship now, maybe when I was younger, but I don’t feel like I’m doing that right now. 

I didn't mean what you are doing or not doing to keep them in your life, maybe there is a pattern to these people that you let in your life? From what you shared, they sound avoidant. So, my question can be rephrased as: why are you inviting avoidant people to your life? 

[Pendulum]

I cannot because it's ingrained into the psychology of my nation/country. Legit, it's a phenomenon that needs to be study. Five centuries of subjugation to a more powerful state has left a permanent mark on my people, even if that was 120 years ago. 

 

[oduplomarte]

leaving twitter

 

[Hobbes]

How old are you if you don’t mind me asking? Dating as a young queer person can be really difficult because a lot of us don’t come out until adulthood, whereas our straight friends/family often start dating from their teens. It makes you feel like you’re playing catch-up or falling behind but it’s not really fair to beat yourself up over it. 
 

I had my first actual relationship at the age of 24 (it lasted around eight months) and I’m only now in my second relationship at the age of 27. My partner is 38. He was single for seven years. Everybody is on their own journey, and nothing is set in stone. Try to be kind to yourself. A relationship won’t fix you. 

[VVVVVV]

Wow I feel this so much. Sometimes feeling like a crybaby with such a victim complex, inmature for my age (25) and behind in life. At the moment I going through from something similar. I feel stuck and prisioner in my life. I regret going to the college I choose cuz I dont like the program. I am going to fail this semester cuz I dont feel motivation (Only 10 asignatures to graduate). I dont have friends either (no close friends, any kind) I try in college but there were not genuine interest, constlanty feelings of alienation and insatisfaction, no social life or close friends, feeling behind, no job at the moment (leave the first and last one cuz bad salary) I was hoping of getting a job in call center here in my country but my english is pretty bad for their standard. I dont travel anywhere or do to much, always at home.

 

I feel used by men, just their sex doll, doing what they want me to do, all the action, all the move, they just starfishes. I always have to do everything and take the risks. They go home really calm or in home, they ignore me after. I have encounter bi/straight with girlfriends or christian ones in my path, and that make feel even more used and dumb. I was talking with a guy in serious setting and he blocked me (possible catfish) cuz he didnt want to do videocall.

 

Today I feel motivated little bit by doing things I like, Like watching movies (watched couples ones in long time ago), I have months were I didnt watch anything cuz I wasnt able to get focused, yesterday I go for a 2kms walk (back and forth) and ate something I like (some empanadas) so feeling little bit more animated, now planning in how organize myself to do my tasks/assigments and dont fail the semester (last minute emergency plan). So do a list or something of the things you like and the one you dont, things you want to do and you can do at the moment and the ones you cannot do at the moment but you are going to work for them, so your mind is going to be more clear and knowing from where start, priorize things outside dating/hookup apps (they absorb all my time this semester. I delete all of them yesterday, DELETE THEM!!!).

Edited November 14, 2023 by VVVVVV

[Revolution]

Therapy. It's too difficult to do it yourself because you're too entangled in your own patterns.