discussion I have a friend who is too clingy, how to deal with it ?

[LoveInStereo]

Genuinely feel v sorry for you, OP. You owe it to yourself to take action & distance yourself from her/set firm boundaries but prepare yourself. She probs won’t own her ****, she’s likely to pull the classic insecure manipulator tactics: why’re you abandoning me like everyone else, you’re the only 1 who understands me, etc. I say ask her to grab coffee (go somewhere neutral) after work. Let her know you’ve shared some great times but by betraying your trust, dismissing your feelings & demonstrating a pattern she doesn’t value you as an individual, you’ve come to realize that you need space & you hope she can understand the choice you’ve made (past tense)

 

You must have kind heart for putting up with her crap for so long so don’t let any words she says out of spite (from a place of rejection) stick to you. I’ve been here before w a dependent, obsessive friend. I waited too long to speak up for myself & went through a moment of bitterness & resentment that I let somebody walk all over me only for them to turn around & tell it like I “backstabbed” them by finally growing a spine as if I hadn’t played emotional punching bag for months on end. It’s painful to have your sensitivity or compassion exploited, then when you go off script & stop being a doormat, to be painted as a villain. The way you’re uncertain about standing up for yourself tells me what this dynamic is. Key is not to approach it from a place of bottled up anger or expecting any apologies or she’ll rly play up the victim bs, in my experience & you don’t need more of the drama & negativity. You’ve got this!

[NoOneDiesFromLove]

Phone on DND and eventually she’ll get the message

[Tylerbv]

Show her this thread

[prézli]

4 hours ago, MoonGoodandHappy said:

When she calls me to go out and I say I don't want to, she forces me to go out by harassing me.

I'm in the same shoe. I mean, my boss has a friend like this. My boss is surprised why I'm not open to him and I told him this week that it looks there is no space around him and his friend. Now he's hesitated what to do.

 

So I'm following this thread.

Edited November 4, 2023 by prézli

[Edit0rz]

Just talk to her and give her a straight answer. Flat out tell her you do not like her attitude, how she treats you, how she treats others, how much she contacts you and that you want to be left alone and are not friends with her. Do not play games and try to slowly retreat and hope she gets the hint, unless you are a coward. There is nothing wrong with standing up for yourself and setting boundaries. 

[discosean]

I had a co-worker who was like this so I was extra clingy and super needy on purpose and it drove a wedge between us that created the distance I actually needed for us to actually still be friendly. 

I would also just be less available and responsive so they'll get the point. 

But when she hit you, that's when you should have been like "WHAT THE HELL?!"

Edited November 5, 2023 by discosean

[Alldeezy]

Sounds like a bpd thing she needs to control.

 

I know as for a person with bpd when I dated it used to make me do the same things.

 

If that's the case get her a new fp if she's just naturally a clingy person then yeah maybe take a step back.

[Breathe On Moi]

are all women-friends going crazy rn or what? cuz my one really close friend I’ve been avoiding lately because I’m just so busy with work, and honestly bored of hanging with our small group, literally called and left me a voicemail cry/laughing last night about me not picking up for the last two weeks…..when I’ve texted her that I’m busy and etc., but that’s not enough apparently. what’s going on??

 

I’m so glad I’m gay, like seriously, so glad wtf.

[Cyanide]

On 11/4/2023 at 1:01 PM, LoveInStereo said:

You must have kind heart for putting up with her crap for so long so don’t let any words she says out of spite (from a place of rejection) stick to you. I’ve been here before w a dependent, obsessive friend. I waited too long to speak up for myself & went through a moment of bitterness & resentment that I let somebody walk all over me only for them to turn around & tell it like I “backstabbed” them by finally growing a spine as if I hadn’t played emotional punching bag for months on end. It’s painful to have your sensitivity or compassion exploited, then when you go off script & stop being a doormat, to be painted as a villain. The way you’re uncertain about standing up for yourself tells me what this dynamic is. Key is not to approach it from a place of bottled up anger or expecting any apologies or she’ll rly play up the victim bs, in my experience & you don’t need more of the drama & negativity. You’ve got this!

THANK YOU! You described it in such an amazing way!! From 2020 to now I’ve had to let go of two friends who were just as bad as OP’s if not worse and I always feel guilty despite being happier and much better off, with healthier relationships, without them. This describes so well how I feel omg

[zasderfght]

I had a friend like this in high school. One of my childhood friends who got to know my clingy high school friend said that he talked so much crap about me behind my back, how I was such a rude person, and all this other stuff. Then my ex-girlfriend told me when he found out I joined track, he wanted to join track. Then he eventually dated my ex-girlfriend & when my ex-girlfriend and I dated, he accused me of abandoning him & that he "had feelings for her." Turns out he was closeted & thinking back about it now, when he asked to swim nude with me, if I was circumcised, when he flashed me in the garage-- yeah, I think he had a huge crush on me. 

 

Luckily, life just naturally drifted us apart. I don't wish him any ill-will, but it reminds me a lot of the clingy friend from school. 

 

As for what to do, sit down with her and have an honest conversation. Use I statements. You could even say this to her: 

 

"Listen, I value our friendship, which is why I'm having this conversation. When you call and I don't answer, it seems like you think I'm ignoring you or I dislike you. I am just really busy, and I have other friends I want to make sure I prioritize as well. I please ask that you let me come to you, and when I am at work, I am at work. I need to do my job, so I'd please ask if you would not try to talk to me while I'm trying to work and be productive. It can be very distracting. I hope you understand I need some me-time and time for my other friends, since we have been good friends for a while." 

[Namie-Knowles]

Alot of people in the thread basically gave good advice. Follow which is best for your mental health and emotional integrity.

[Itsaliability]

On 11/4/2023 at 4:46 PM, MoonGoodandHappy said:

I have a friend with whom I have worked in the same company for 1 year.  And this friend is too clingy.  When I'm at work and I talk to people other than her, she gets upset.  I have a 30 minute break at work and sometimes I decide to be with other work colleagues and she starts bombarding me with calls to join her.  And she calls me on the phone several times every day and when I don't answer because I have a life, she gets upset.  Every morning very early, she sends me messages and I start to feel too overwhelmed.  When she calls me to go out and I say I don't want to, she forces me to go out by harassing me.  One day, she had a date with a man and very late in the evening, she called me to tell me how it happened and told me that she "almost came to my house" without warning to tell me about it" while  'it was at night.

I'm really tired of her. 

 

I've never had a day where she didn't call me.  Plus, I'm starting to no longer enjoy our friendship because she's the type of person who criticizes everyone, says insults all the time and that's everything I don't want to become.  Once, she hit me “for fun” and I was in pain and she was laughing.  I told her to stop but sometimes she starts hitting me again.  I do not know what to do.  I get messages all the time.

One day I told her a "secret" and she repeated it to some people.  I'm tired....

 

 What should I do? 

Even if we ignore everything else, this is your call. Your peace of mind and what you have valuable in your personality should not be compromised by no one. Their superiority complex and unnecessary hate, even if not for the moment are always going to show themselves even against you at a certain point. 

[UnusualBoy]

I'd sit her down and talk to her about because that's not a friendship, tell her what you feel and if she doesn't change just cut her out of your life.