discussion As a man, do you go out of your way to make women and girls feel safe in public?

[Theshigo Washidu]

This question is for the male members of the site.

 

 

I ask this because earlier today, I was walking to campus and along the route that I use sometimes, there is this secluded, narrow path surrounded by houses and some greenery.

When I reached the path, I noticed a young woman coming in the opposite direction and she was on her phone. Once she saw me, she put her phone away and was walking towards me with this odd, sort-of-scared demeanour.

 

Before we nearly passed each other, she looked away with some sort of anger on her face meanwhile I just paid her dust. I did notice her looking up at me as I walked past her.

 

 

I do understand that women and girls can sometimes feel fearful or on edge in public because of their safety and what men can do, but are all of us expected to hide in a bush or something?

 

No offence, but not every man is out to hurt a woman. Some of us just want to get from A to B in one piece and with a clear state of mind.

Had I have said anything to this girl in order to appear as non-threatening, I would be seen as the problem.

 

 

 

[gatito]

you should've started skipping and showed her your limp wrists 

[Ayanaa]

19 minutes ago, St. Francis said:

 

 

 

I do understand that women and girls can sometimes feel fearful or on edge in public because of their safety and what men can do, but are all of us expected to hide in a bush or something?

 

No offence, but not every man is out to hurt a woman. Some of us just want to get from A to B in one piece and with a clear state of mind.

Had I have said anything to this girl in order to appear as non-threatening, I would be seen as the problem.

 

 

 

You're kind of gaslighting here. And she doesn't do it to upset you, it's just natural. 

[Nano]

No, and you shouldn't either. Girls like that think the world revolves around them.

[Beyonnaise]

In this sort of situation I just kind of look off into the distance or go down a different street. I mean, it's tricky. I'm not a woman or femme-presenting so I don't really know what it's like to feel like I'm in danger of being assaulted just by walking. It honestly makes me kinda sad though when I'm walking behind a girl on the sidewalk for a few blocks and she starts looking back at me every few seconds to make sure I'm not following her or being weird. Like, it's not that big of a deal and neither of us are doing anything wrong, but it's a bit uncomfortable.

[makeme]

Yes I have noticed this as well especially in the gym. The problem is straight men and the uncomfortable world they created for women. I guess us gays get the back end of the stick because we didn't really contribute to why women feel uncomfortable around men but we often get the cold shoulder vibes girls give off as a result of the world straights created. I am also not saying all straight men harass women but we know how they can be and if I was a girl I would probably be the same way towards all men as a defense mechanism. 

 

To answer the thread title yes I have found myself at times going a little bit out of my way to make women feel more safe. Like if i'm going down the stairs in my apartment and theres a girl going down them in front of me i'll stay a little further behind  and keep a slower pace then my normally fast walking gay legs would. But i'm not going to the extreme. I knew a gay who got stabbed in the stomach for standing up for his friend who was getting harassed by a man at a house party. Like I love my friends but i'm not a ******* knight and i'm not getting physical or speaking up for anyone besides family or my bf. 

[Illuminati]

I don't agree with your frustration over this cause women have a real reason to feel that way, but yeah I do put conscious effort to make those around me comfortable.

 

It's usually pretty easy for everyone to tell that I'm gay but growing up I struggled with instances where my friendliness was perceived as flirting and I couldn't be just a regular friend in a girl group without some silent assumption that I may have alternate motives. That was when I was still discovering my sexuality so explaining to them that I'm not interested wasn't as simple (or safe) but learning what's appropriate and what isn't was definitely a process.

 

I remember me and my best friend wanting to have a sleepover at her house and being completely oblivious to why her mother would be so opposed to it despite knowing me since I was born She would also never let my friend go to my place despite us living in the same building.

 

I understand it now but it always saddened me that people saw me that way.

[Quiqui4eva]

At dusk, I usually take a detour if a woman in front of me has been walking in the same direction for some time. Or if I'm on the phone, I'll speak a little louder so she knows I'm not a threat

[Daydream]

Hmm I wouldn't say I go out of my way but I am certainly conscious of it and sometimes adapt my behaviour, for example if I’m walking on the same footpath and a woman/girl is nearby I’ll hold back a bit and slow my walking speed to put a bit of distance. Or sometimes I’ll do the opposite and walk fast to speed right ahead of them just so they know I’m not following them. Obviously on a busy street at a busy time of day I wouldn’t feel the need to, but if it’s quiet and there’s only the two of us around, then I do feel the need to.

Edited October 4, 2022 by Daydream

[Pheromosa]

yes I will cross the street if I see a woman 

[Oxy]

I start with making myself safe and happy, with that it translates to everyone around me. 

[FightForTanas]

So you got mad becuase....she made a face? Men truly are the most sensitive creatures on earth.

[PoisonedIvy]

1 hour ago, Quiqui4eva said:

At dusk, I usually take a detour if a woman in front of me has been walking in the same direction for some time. Or if I'm on the phone, I'll speak a little louder so she knows I'm not a threat

This.

 

also you shouldn’t be upset that women are afraid of men. If that upsets you it’s because you’re taking it personally even though it’s not you as an individual she’s fearful of. 

[John Slayne]

I am quite thin and my fashion is not exactly all that masc so I like to think I appear fairly non-threatening? Except for my resting b*tch face 

 

With that said, I usually take out my phone and pretend I'm texting or something to make it look like I'm not interested in my surroundings, but I don't actually know if women perceive it like that. 

[Revolution]

I'm a man and a gentleman so yes.

[CottageHore]

It’s not about you and has nothing to do with you. Women have many scary experiences with men, especially while out alone in secluded areas. Who knows what she’s endured. She didn’t say anything rude or do anything wrong. She’s likely just scared because of things that have happened in the past.

 

And I’m not surprised to see that usual user in here hating on women instead of trying to understand the nuance of the situation with empathy. Of course 

[wish]

I understand your perspective but you should have some more understanding of why a woman might have her guard up around men like that. You have no idea what she's been through.

 

Ask pretty much ANY woman and she'll tell you of all the times a man has harassed her or made her feel unsafe in pretty much any setting or situation. And unfortunately way too many women have also been physically harmed by men. You shouldn't take it personally at all. 

[Danny789]

If I’m behind her I let us have a healthy distance. The sad thing is that as I’ve gotten older I feel it with kids too they’re cautious of me and it makes me feel ancient. 

Edited October 4, 2022 by Danny789

[Nano]

Dear god, this thread is pathetic.

 

1 hour ago, FightForTanas said:

So you got mad becuase....she made a face? Men truly are the most sensitive creatures on earth.

You think the woman wouldn't be upset at someone being offended by her for existing on the street?

[feelslikeadream]

When I'm in the situation you described, I usually signal my gayness to her as a way to show I'm not a straight man and therefore less of a threat. If I'm listening to music, I'll usually sashay a little or nod my head gaily. If I'm not, I'll wave in a real gay way and maybe say, "Hey girlfriend" or "that dress is fierce" or something. If I feel like signaling my queerness is a threat to my own safety (like depending where I am geographically), I just cross the street.

[Archetype]

Simply take out your phone, look pre-occupied, stare at the sky, just do anything that looks like you are not a threat and not focusing on her.  That's what I always do, even though I clearly do not look threatening to women at all.  It's just common courtesy IMO.  You can also start singing Alien Superstar to signal you are gay.

[bad guy]

Not usually but if I'm walking behind a woman I'll move to the side so it doesn't seem like I'm right behind her being creepy. Or if I'm in a group with my friends (all guys) and we're walking down the street and there's a girl up ahead we sometimes walk around her or walk slower. But if I'm walking one way and she's walking the opposite way I just continue walking.

[Jagger]

No  their fears and insecurities are not my responsibility. Plus I have bigger issues as a gay man. Straight women don't gaf about us so I'm not gonna go out of my way for them

 

but when I walk past anyone, not just women, I have the courtesy to look away/be on my phone and not be creepy 

Edited October 5, 2022 by Jagger

[zasderfght]

1 hour ago, CottageHore said:

It’s not about you and has nothing to do with you. Women have many scary experiences with men, especially while out alone in secluded areas. Who knows what she’s endured. She didn’t say anything rude or do anything wrong. She’s likely just scared because of things that have happened in the past.

 

And I’m not surprised to see that usual user in here hating on women instead of trying to understand the nuance of the situation with empathy. Of course 

I agree with that first part (I won't get into talking about the user you mentioned because I didn't read his comment & I try to avoid ruffling feathers on here if I can-- not saying you did), and I'm a man. Having predominately female friends, they'd tell me stories about guys hitting on them VERY inappropriately as minors, guys outright sexually assaulting/raping them, being gaslit, lack of consent, mansplaining, etc. 

 

I will say that, just in general OP, don't worry if a stranger perceives you as a threat/weird/unlikable. Unless that person is paying your bills, is your partner, family, or friend, who cares? Some strangers have been rude to me for no reason and I don't think twice about it because they're not over here paying my electric bill or renewing my lease. 

[OreGuy]

Yes. During commute, I tend to move my hand away each time they cross in front, or move my shoulder/arms a bit away whenever they are sat beside me.