zasderfght Posted August 10, 2022 Author Posted August 10, 2022 4 hours ago, madonnas said: It sucks to see someone negative all the time and it’s definitely stemming from deeper issues not having to do with you personally. I get the negativity cuz it probably sucks to live in texas being trans, but you should tell him the next time you see him to not mention anything negative. I’ve done this before with friends and it works. He deserves an escape from his shitty reality and can’t let the negativity consume him. But if that’s not possible you have to probably keep him at an arms length. You can’t let someone drag you down even if they’re not intentionally doing it or doing it with malice. You said it best: I cannot let him drag me down. And for clarification, we both don't live in Texas-- my friend and I actually live in a blue state (in a pretty liberal city, mind you). However, he will bring up other trans people he talks to online, and he will mention their stories, and 99% of the time it's "wow, how awful for them." Like, I get it's tragic and I wish the outcome was different, but unless you are directly responsible for these people and their lives, how is allowing these people's traumas to live rent-free productive and/or helping? It is definitely not.
CottageHore Posted August 10, 2022 Posted August 10, 2022 I’m sorry you’re going through this. It totally makes sense why your friend’s negative mood is bringing up feelings of frustration for you. The part that struck me most in your explanation was when you mentioned feeling “miserable” listening to him complain so much. I feel like the most important job you have is to make sure your mental health is top priority and if someone’s presence is making you feel negative emotions such as feeling “miserable”, it’s important to pay attention to that. It may be beneficial to set some boundaries and assess the way the two of you communicate and interact. You may consider limiting the amount of time you spend with him and only if you feel he will be receptive, communicating how some of the things he’s been saying have been affecting you, but from what you’ve explained, that may result in him feeling like you’re finding his expression to be a “burden” and then may not respond well. I’d definitely ask him next time you want to give your input or advice on his situation. Maybe just saying “would you like my input? / I have an idea, would you be open to hearing it?” but in colloquial terms, obviously. If the relationship has turned into something one-sided, where you spend most of your time together listening to his problems and it’s not an equal exchange of receptive/expressive communication, then you may, like I said, be best to distance yourself from him, at least for the time being. People take up space in our lives in different ways and to different degrees at different times. Maybe as long as your friend is so deeply immersed in wallowing through complicated emotions, the space he takes up in your life needs to wane a little bit for your own well-being. You can’t fix him and it’s not your job to change his attitude or outlook on life so don’t even bother taking on that task. He may benefit from therapy or other sources of self-care to help him. But that’s his choice and his life. Focus solely on you and how this relationship is affecting you and then pivot and act accordingly. Wishing you the best!
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