UFO Posted May 6, 2018 Posted May 6, 2018 (edited) yas. my song this week "serves concept and execution" :sob: I'm no longer the executed, I'm the executee I am Marie Antoinette! Thanks judges! I'm glad y'all liked the hook. I was definitely going for a more tight, polished style there. and yas f I went a little over the top with the space imagery though I'm proud of myself for sticking to the eternal love concept. Edited May 6, 2018 by UFO
UFO Posted May 6, 2018 Posted May 6, 2018 Reading everyone else's reviews now nn all of our songs sound similar.
beatinglikeadrum Posted May 6, 2018 Posted May 6, 2018 @ultraviolence.xx @SaintWest @Aurora should I treat my entry as a downfall, no progress or progress from the last round ?
ceremonials Posted May 6, 2018 Posted May 6, 2018 2 hours ago, Hug said: There are some points Aurora didn't make. Give me a 10
touya kinomoto Posted May 6, 2018 Posted May 6, 2018 I'm sorry for missing out on the deadline. Like an hour after I said I will send in my song, I passed out. I woke up later in the day and found out I was potassium-deficient. As a result I have been eating bananas every hour. Sorry @Aurora and @swiftie13 for "quitting". I wish you all the best for this season though. On 5/5/2018 at 9:14 AM, Speezy said: @KatyCatPH where you at On 5/5/2018 at 0:41 PM, ceremonials said: This On 5/6/2018 at 0:09 AM, Corsola said: @KatyCatPH we love you even if you didn't submit 16 hours ago, Gastrodonatella said: rip katycat </3 16 hours ago, UFO said: !! @KatyCatPH I'll miss you I'm sorry sistrens. I feel loved tbh. I will be around lurking around and maybe join Discord too.
ultraviolence.xx Posted May 6, 2018 Posted May 6, 2018 @KatyCatPH we will miss you please join discord!!!
Hug Posted May 6, 2018 Posted May 6, 2018 2 hours ago, ceremonials said: Give me a 10 Give your album a new cover
touya kinomoto Posted May 6, 2018 Posted May 6, 2018 18 minutes ago, Gastrodonatella said: omg stay healthy sis :( we stan forever stay active in the thread/discord you're always a friend 10 minutes ago, ultraviolence.xx said: @KatyCatPH we will miss you please join discord!!! Thank you loves.
ultraviolence.xx Posted May 6, 2018 Posted May 6, 2018 U MAGAZINE THIS WEEK'S TRACK REVIEWS This post rounds up the second installment of our reviews of this week's chart debuts. The third installment will be posted in a later digital issue. @ceremonials – "The Last of Us" you are SUCH a strong writer (obvs) that when a line is weak, it really stands out. the last chorus with the “pay for what you did” being a rehashing of the “learn[ing] repentance” bit dragged the entire stanza down, by virtue of the rest being flaw-free. like there are so few things to criticize here, just lines that could’ve been written better. “do you know what that means?” in verse 2 sounds funny as well. i like that i didn’t need the video game context to appreciate the song but having it is like a layer of whipped cream on top. wig. also the end of the first verse is SCREAMING black beauty, i’m living. were you looking for extra points cuz you get them (haha jk i’m not that easy to manipulate) (or am i?) favorite part: “you revel at the beauty as i look up at the sky / i know you paint it black just to blind me when it shines” this is a masterpiece, but also there are many other great parts @Nait Phoenix – "Graffiti" i feel like if a major pop star lands this track it’s going to culminate in a lawsuit from some idiot white kid hearing the song and going “she said to do graffiti!!!!” (though i do understand it’s from the position of the oppressed.) okay, but this song is really cute overall. the pre-chorus is my favorite part – those lines are very well put-together. the chorus is a bit weaker in my opinion, with the “as fast as you can” line feeling kind of cheap and written just for the rhyme, but the third line of the chorus is cute with the internal rhyme. the “price/suffice/sacrifice” felt a bit forced to me. i think your song this week is an overall improvement in terms of cohesion and consistency, though i think your last entry had more striking imagery. (but even this song, which is more simple/straightforward, has great moments of imagery, they’re just more quiet.) favorite part: “trust yourself in what is written / let the colors bleed out of your heart” @Gastrodonatella – "Eden" right off the bat, the “two opposing sides” feels redundant – we pretty much know they’re opposing if they’re at war. “love [planting] its seed” is so dirty, wig. ugh, the storytelling from line to line, from stanza to stanza. as always, i’m slain by that. this does feel a bit messier than the gallerih tho – but now that i’ve said that (it was a thought i had during my first read) there aren’t any spots i can pinpoint for evidence. maybe i lied? “lit by moonlight” feels redundant with the two “light”s. “reflections on the surface of the full moon overhead” sounds like it’s the full moon that has the reflections, not the river. overall as i’m sure you know this is incredibly strong and i’m wigless. favorite part: “your eyes reflect the constellations outlined in the stars” @Corsola – "Petals" GIRL THIS PARAGRAPH ok sis your meter isn’t as perfect/tight as will’s (whose is?) but you rival him in every other way, wig. “we sit and trade tales of our different nations / while tracing the lines of the same constellations” WIGGED. ME. SO. HARD. like honestly i’m choked up reading that. the different/same parallel is SO strong jesus girl. that stanza is incredible. ugh. “threats douse me” is an awkward metaphor, feels kind of trying-too-hard. the use of the word “ ‘cause” feels a bit informal for the tone you’ve got elsewhere in the song, so i’d try to rephrase that if it were me. i love the image of the petals being “strand of memories that [you] once could embrace, that’s beautiful. favorite part: the third stanza mentioned above. my wig is gone, along with my scalp and pieces of skull; it’s a mess up there @Auburn – "A Song for Her" this is very good – it’s got great meter and images (“innocent, vibrant heart”, “flit[ting] through your fingers”, to name some examples). my main issue, and it’s kind of small, is that it doesn’t really feel like it goes anywhere. you establish the tone and the meaning in the first couple stanzas and that’s pretty much where we stay the entire song. it’s all written really captivatingly, so i can’t fault you much, but it does feel kind of stagnant. the “come on” in the bridge felt kind of odd – up till that point, it seemed like you were just reporting on what was happening, but that line felt active in a way that didn’t fit to me, like you were trying to suggest what he should do. favorite part: “she was your true solace / a silver fountain of light” @Overprotected – "Uncertainty" this is cute in terms of meaning, and i like some of your images, but it seems kind of weak in terms of meter and rhyme. you have a good grasp of how to tell a story, but in the next round, i’d like to see more structure in your syllables and exploration with rhyme. i’m not really sure what else to say – no further critiques! favorite part: “why do i have to walk so carefully / inside i really want to explore” @r.e.m. – "Camellia" this feels like an improvement over last round, wig! the “blue/new” rhyme feels a little forced, but it’s still a cute couplet with the “feeling” repetition. i also like the image of the mind traveling a lot. it feels to me like the camellia is a metaphorical representation of a person – with the eyes meeting line – which makes the “smell[ing] you” line read a bit weirdly. if it is just about the flowers and not about a person, the smelling line makes more sense, and maybe the eyes is a metaphor? okay, wig, that’s what i’m going with. favorite part: “just a touch, my mind has travelled” @RihsusChrist(ATG) – "Field of Dreams" i like this overall, but the use of the word “literal” feels kind of corny to me. it may just be me, but saying field of dreams without the “literal” makes sense as being literal even without saying it, does that make sense? moving on, i like the theme of involuntary memory – something you didn’t want to think about being prompted by a random sight. the “god hearing their screams” feels VERY serious, like bloodbath in a war or something, but i assume you intended it as like screams of love. for me, that felt strange dd. the use of the word “fellow” feels kind of conversational and kind of like a forced rhyme to me. there are some great images in here tho, let me say! favorite part: “pillaging without apologies / stolen from silent pleas”
ultraviolence.xx Posted May 6, 2018 Posted May 6, 2018 U MAGAZINE THIS WEEK'S TRACK REVIEWS This post rounds up the second installment of our reviews of this week's chart debuts. The third installment will be posted in a later digital issue. @ceremonials – "The Last of Us" you are SUCH a strong writer (obvs) that when a line is weak, it really stands out. the last chorus with the “pay for what you did” being a rehashing of the “learn[ing] repentance” bit dragged the entire stanza down, by virtue of the rest being flaw-free. like there are so few things to criticize here, just lines that could’ve been written better. “do you know what that means?” in verse 2 sounds funny as well. i like that i didn’t need the video game context to appreciate the song but having it is like a layer of whipped cream on top. wig. also the end of the first verse is SCREAMING black beauty, i’m living. were you looking for extra points cuz you get them (haha jk i’m not that easy to manipulate) (or am i?) favorite part: “you revel at the beauty as i look up at the sky / i know you paint it black just to blind me when it shines” this is a masterpiece, but also there are many other great parts @Nait Phoenix – "Graffiti" i feel like if a major pop star lands this track it’s going to culminate in a lawsuit from some idiot white kid hearing the song and going “she said to do graffiti!!!!” (though i do understand it’s from the position of the oppressed.) okay, but this song is really cute overall. the pre-chorus is my favorite part – those lines are very well put-together. the chorus is a bit weaker in my opinion, with the “as fast as you can” line feeling kind of cheap and written just for the rhyme, but the third line of the chorus is cute with the internal rhyme. the “price/suffice/sacrifice” felt a bit forced to me. i think your song this week is an overall improvement in terms of cohesion and consistency, though i think your last entry had more striking imagery. (but even this song, which is more simple/straightforward, has great moments of imagery, they’re just more quiet.) favorite part: “trust yourself in what is written / let the colors bleed out of your heart” @Gastrodonatella – "Eden" right off the bat, the “two opposing sides” feels redundant – we pretty much know they’re opposing if they’re at war. “love [planting] its seed” is so dirty, wig. ugh, the storytelling from line to line, from stanza to stanza. as always, i’m slain by that. this does feel a bit messier than the gallerih tho – but now that i’ve said that (it was a thought i had during my first read) there aren’t any spots i can pinpoint for evidence. maybe i lied? “lit by moonlight” feels redundant with the two “light”s. “reflections on the surface of the full moon overhead” sounds like it’s the full moon that has the reflections, not the river. overall as i’m sure you know this is incredibly strong and i’m wigless. favorite part: “your eyes reflect the constellations outlined in the stars” @Corsola – "Petals" GIRL THIS PARAGRAPH ok sis your meter isn’t as perfect/tight as will’s (whose is?) but you rival him in every other way, wig. “we sit and trade tales of our different nations / while tracing the lines of the same constellations” WIGGED. ME. SO. HARD. like honestly i’m choked up reading that. the different/same parallel is SO strong jesus girl. that stanza is incredible. ugh. “threats douse me” is an awkward metaphor, feels kind of trying-too-hard. the use of the word “ ‘cause” feels a bit informal for the tone you’ve got elsewhere in the song, so i’d try to rephrase that if it were me. i love the image of the petals being “strand of memories that [you] once could embrace, that’s beautiful. favorite part: the third stanza mentioned above. my wig is gone, along with my scalp and pieces of skull; it’s a mess up there @Auburn – "A Song for Her" this is very good – it’s got great meter and images (“innocent, vibrant heart”, “flit[ting] through your fingers”, to name some examples). my main issue, and it’s kind of small, is that it doesn’t really feel like it goes anywhere. you establish the tone and the meaning in the first couple stanzas and that’s pretty much where we stay the entire song. it’s all written really captivatingly, so i can’t fault you much, but it does feel kind of stagnant. the “come on” in the bridge felt kind of odd – up till that point, it seemed like you were just reporting on what was happening, but that line felt active in a way that didn’t fit to me, like you were trying to suggest what he should do. favorite part: “she was your true solace / a silver fountain of light” @Overprotected – "Uncertainty" this is cute in terms of meaning, and i like some of your images, but it seems kind of weak in terms of meter and rhyme. you have a good grasp of how to tell a story, but in the next round, i’d like to see more structure in your syllables and exploration with rhyme. i’m not really sure what else to say – no further critiques! favorite part: “why do i have to walk so carefully / inside i really want to explore” @r.e.m. – "Camellia" this feels like an improvement over last round, wig! the “blue/new” rhyme feels a little forced, but it’s still a cute couplet with the “feeling” repetition. i also like the image of the mind traveling a lot. it feels to me like the camellia is a metaphorical representation of a person – with the eyes meeting line – which makes the “smell[ing] you” line read a bit weirdly. if it is just about the flowers and not about a person, the smelling line makes more sense, and maybe the eyes is a metaphor? okay, wig, that’s what i’m going with. favorite part: “just a touch, my mind has travelled” @RihsusChrist(ATG) – "Field of Dreams" i like this overall, but the use of the word “literal” feels kind of corny to me. it may just be me, but saying field of dreams without the “literal” makes sense as being literal even without saying it, does that make sense? moving on, i like the theme of involuntary memory – something you didn’t want to think about being prompted by a random sight. the “god hearing their screams” feels VERY serious, like bloodbath in a war or something, but i assume you intended it as like screams of love. for me, that felt strange dd. the use of the word “fellow” feels kind of conversational and kind of like a forced rhyme to me. there are some great images in here tho, let me say! favorite part: “pillaging without apologies / stolen from silent pleas”
ultraviolence.xx Posted May 6, 2018 Posted May 6, 2018 U MAGAZINE THIS WEEK'S TRACK REVIEWS This post rounds up the second installment of our reviews of this week's chart debuts. The third installment will be posted in a later digital issue. @ceremonials – "The Last of Us" you are SUCH a strong writer (obvs) that when a line is weak, it really stands out. the last chorus with the “pay for what you did” being a rehashing of the “learn[ing] repentance” bit dragged the entire stanza down, by virtue of the rest being flaw-free. like there are so few things to criticize here, just lines that could’ve been written better. “do you know what that means?” in verse 2 sounds funny as well. i like that i didn’t need the video game context to appreciate the song but having it is like a layer of whipped cream on top. wig. also the end of the first verse is SCREAMING black beauty, i’m living. were you looking for extra points cuz you get them (haha jk i’m not that easy to manipulate) (or am i?) favorite part: “you revel at the beauty as i look up at the sky / i know you paint it black just to blind me when it shines” this is a masterpiece, but also there are many other great parts @Nait Phoenix – "Graffiti" i feel like if a major pop star lands this track it’s going to culminate in a lawsuit from some idiot white kid hearing the song and going “she said to do graffiti!!!!” (though i do understand it’s from the position of the oppressed.) okay, but this song is really cute overall. the pre-chorus is my favorite part – those lines are very well put-together. the chorus is a bit weaker in my opinion, with the “as fast as you can” line feeling kind of cheap and written just for the rhyme, but the third line of the chorus is cute with the internal rhyme. the “price/suffice/sacrifice” felt a bit forced to me. i think your song this week is an overall improvement in terms of cohesion and consistency, though i think your last entry had more striking imagery. (but even this song, which is more simple/straightforward, has great moments of imagery, they’re just more quiet.) favorite part: “trust yourself in what is written / let the colors bleed out of your heart” @Gastrodonatella – "Eden" right off the bat, the “two opposing sides” feels redundant – we pretty much know they’re opposing if they’re at war. “love [planting] its seed” is so dirty, wig. ugh, the storytelling from line to line, from stanza to stanza. as always, i’m slain by that. this does feel a bit messier than the gallerih tho – but now that i’ve said that (it was a thought i had during my first read) there aren’t any spots i can pinpoint for evidence. maybe i lied? “lit by moonlight” feels redundant with the two “light”s. “reflections on the surface of the full moon overhead” sounds like it’s the full moon that has the reflections, not the river. overall as i’m sure you know this is incredibly strong and i’m wigless. favorite part: “your eyes reflect the constellations outlined in the stars” @Corsola – "Petals" GIRL THIS PARAGRAPH ok sis your meter isn’t as perfect/tight as will’s (whose is?) but you rival him in every other way, wig. “we sit and trade tales of our different nations / while tracing the lines of the same constellations” WIGGED. ME. SO. HARD. like honestly i’m choked up reading that. the different/same parallel is SO strong jesus girl. that stanza is incredible. ugh. “threats douse me” is an awkward metaphor, feels kind of trying-too-hard. the use of the word “ ‘cause” feels a bit informal for the tone you’ve got elsewhere in the song, so i’d try to rephrase that if it were me. i love the image of the petals being “strand of memories that [you] once could embrace, that’s beautiful. favorite part: the third stanza mentioned above. my wig is gone, along with my scalp and pieces of skull; it’s a mess up there @Auburn – "A Song for Her" this is very good – it’s got great meter and images (“innocent, vibrant heart”, “flit[ting] through your fingers”, to name some examples). my main issue, and it’s kind of small, is that it doesn’t really feel like it goes anywhere. you establish the tone and the meaning in the first couple stanzas and that’s pretty much where we stay the entire song. it’s all written really captivatingly, so i can’t fault you much, but it does feel kind of stagnant. the “come on” in the bridge felt kind of odd – up till that point, it seemed like you were just reporting on what was happening, but that line felt active in a way that didn’t fit to me, like you were trying to suggest what he should do. favorite part: “she was your true solace / a silver fountain of light” @Overprotected – "Uncertainty" this is cute in terms of meaning, and i like some of your images, but it seems kind of weak in terms of meter and rhyme. you have a good grasp of how to tell a story, but in the next round, i’d like to see more structure in your syllables and exploration with rhyme. i’m not really sure what else to say – no further critiques! favorite part: “why do i have to walk so carefully / inside i really want to explore” @r.e.m. – "Camellia" this feels like an improvement over last round, wig! the “blue/new” rhyme feels a little forced, but it’s still a cute couplet with the “feeling” repetition. i also like the image of the mind traveling a lot. it feels to me like the camellia is a metaphorical representation of a person – with the eyes meeting line – which makes the “smell[ing] you” line read a bit weirdly. if it is just about the flowers and not about a person, the smelling line makes more sense, and maybe the eyes is a metaphor? okay, wig, that’s what i’m going with. favorite part: “just a touch, my mind has travelled” @RihsusChrist(ATG) – "Field of Dreams" i like this overall, but the use of the word “literal” feels kind of corny to me. it may just be me, but saying field of dreams without the “literal” makes sense as being literal even without saying it, does that make sense? moving on, i like the theme of involuntary memory – something you didn’t want to think about being prompted by a random sight. the “god hearing their screams” feels VERY serious, like bloodbath in a war or something, but i assume you intended it as like screams of love. for me, that felt strange dd. the use of the word “fellow” feels kind of conversational and kind of like a forced rhyme to me. there are some great images in here tho, let me say! favorite part: “pillaging without apologies / stolen from silent pleas”
Overprotected Posted May 6, 2018 Posted May 6, 2018 Yes drags, yes improvement I don't even know what some of these terms mean in songwriting so I guess I have some researching to do
ultraviolence.xx Posted May 6, 2018 Posted May 6, 2018 not my revuvies posting 3 times with strikethroughs still
Hug Posted May 6, 2018 Posted May 6, 2018 MattyTacos - “Loverdream” I feel this is solid enough, but nothing really captures attention, except for maybe the “touch/ya” rhyme because it’s the only time you say “ya” instead of “you”/”you’re” (realistically, it’d work for either). Colloquialisms should be consistent, or it sticks out as forced. You sort of paint this romanticized picture of infidelity, which is okay, but having a bit of a motive besides “I just wanted to cheat” would’ve been a good pull, perhaps they were young lovers that somehow went separate ways but found their way to each other again and all the feelings came back to them, but there’s not much pull or anything to keep people interested in this as is. It’s not particularly bad, just not very enticing. This was a couplet. “Unraveling our own silk city I want you stitched to me” Obsession - “Lost In Misery” So one thing I want to say is there’s a mix of imagery and more blunt language...is that the dreams vs. reality thing you were going for? I...don’t think I would’ve got that if I didn’t read the explanation beforehand, and even now I don’t really see it. It does come through in “I project the dream you see, but I’m a nightmare at best”, but it should when stated like that. Still, it makes the imagery vs. blunt lines feel odd, since the imagery doesn’t really feel dream-like. This was a couplet. “You say I’m a fantasy, it’s not me in your head I project the dream you see, but I’m a nightmare at best” Kunst - “Wither Away” While I can’t tell what exactly your flower is, it’s obvious that it was inspired by flowers in some way, so there’s that, at least. I really like the rhyme scheme you set up for the chorus; it’s really creative. There were some easy/forced-sounding rhyme choices, however. (“call”/”tall”, “burn”/”turn”, etc.) Not particularly bad, but some slant rhymes would make this feel more natural. This was a couplet. “I want back into the curse, Our short-lived universe” conatus - “Unforget” So, I’ll be honest, I thought the pacing of your song was odd at first, but when I think of it more as thoughts coming and going, it makes a lot more sense, given the theme of your song. I suppose that also makes the idea of random pieces of imagery make more sense, as just pictures in your head of the past. I don’t entirely get what “melting window displays” are, but maybe I’ll find out. I want to say, particularly, the second verse fully captures the idea of the song, at least in my opinion. That was a part I particularly enjoyed. It provoked a sense of imagery in a way that the first one didn’t. It wasn’t so abstract that you could barely piece it to a place or a thing. There was a clear vision, at least when I read it, and it even brought up memories of my own...maybe that’s just bias talking, but whatever. If I were to critique something, structurally, it would be the chorus AND the hook, especially considering the hook isn’t really catchy or anything, and that’s why they tend to be called “hooks” - they hook you to the song. I would’ve called it a post-chorus or something, but truthfully it’s just semantics. beatinglikeadrum - “Purple Devotion” I feel like you took the criticisms you got and applied them effectively, because this was very much an improvement from last week. Despite your tirade against “artsy fartsy” songs, I do feel this is proof that taking the ~artistic~ route is something you’re capable of, and that you don’t give yourself enough credit. I do have a few things to say, though. “...I can’t live without emotions”, while it does get the point across, is a bit too on-the-nose, and you can convey a point without spelling it out like that. I did notice that you played with color in your lyrics, but outside of “lavender”, all we got was red and blue. I think if you really gave certain feelings to colors, or at least played with the idea of red and blue making purple more, the color theme would’ve been a lot stronger, but it fees shoe-horned in as of now. The last thing I want to say is that this reads like a story-driven song, but we don’t have many details. From what I gather, this talks about someone you used to be in a relationship with, but that is no longer the case, and I’m not sure why? You talk about what you felt/feel, but not really why, and if we knew that, it’d make the whole thing stronger. This was a couplet. “The walls are still covered with my madness, pain, happiness and joy It’s all coming back to me while I'm leaving it all” Tsareena - “Radium Girl” The only thing I have to comment on is the forced-sounding rhymes. The one I think got me the most was “know/no-show”, it was a really oddly-phrased line. I should also mention “place/face”, it’s not that bad in itself but since it was an important plot detail that felt oddly put together, it sticks out. Otherwise, you had a really interesting concept and I particularly enjoyed the outro. It wrapped the whole song up nicely in a powerful, if not simplistic, way. This was a couplet. “A regular girl like you and me But a radium girl none want to be” UFO - “Rings of Saturn” Okay, so the hook is the weakest part, so it’s a bit of a shame that’s the first lines we get. I think I...maybe get the point of your entry, but I’m just not sure if this is either extremely metaphorical or very literal, and with you, I feel it could go either way. I’m taking it as metaphorical story about two young lovers where one of them died and the other holds on to them through memory, though. With that said, the verses were definitely the highlights here. I already talked about the hook, but I want to say that I get the sentiment behind it, I just think “I’m so shattered” is blunt and low-key funny, and that’s not the intention you were going for, I’m sure. This was a couplet. “Two shining stars made one supernova We'll only ever die as one, not two” Body Talk - “Break Me In Half” One thing I’d like to say first is that the chorus reads like a real chorus, which I appreciate since that doesn’t happen often with these entries...however, this doesn’t feel very unique. It’s something that anyone could’ve written or sung. It’s...a love gone sour song that doesn’t take an interesting spin on the idea, and it just feels very safe. I think you could’ve done a lot more with this challenge than you did, which is admittedly disappointing. Oh, and you never said what your flower was…? This was a couplet. “tell me you never meant what you would say, tell me i was used for a muse” Kylie Jenner - “Hatchet” Okay, so from a technical standpoint, this was very solid. You also had some lines that I enjoyed quite a lot. What I think held you back, however, were some of your word choices. Most of your rhymes were hard rhymes, and it doesn’t work in your favor. Really, that’s the only criticism I have because otherwise it was a great entry. This was a couplet. “We played, we kissed, I threw caution to the wind Zephyr curved nature and you paid for his sins” PoKiTaurus - “You” “The bastard that did this, can burn in hell” yutgrfcd that was just a TAD blunt sis. That aside, you actually have something really solid here, which I knew you could do. You balanced the imagery and storytelling here well, and you didn’t lose yourself in the plot. Overall...well done. This was a couplet. “You’re silent, you seem so calm The drum beats, we answer the call” ceremonials - “The Last of Us” So I’m really not sure what to say here besides “maybe she snapped?”, or “maybe there were one or two lines that I thought felt oddly-written?” (“You need to know you took from me the only chance that I had left” / “I had a life before you too you know and now it never will return”) Those could have been slightly altered to sound more natural, and it makes me feel like you didn’t for meter. That’s...minor, overall. You were very consistent between this round and last, so kudos! This was a COUPLET. “Cascades of pink petals light up as the moon begins to rise, Illuminated by the falling stars and roaming fireflies" Nait Phoenix - Graffiti The little “graffiti” graphic before the song and the opening line made me think this was gonna be a cute, child-like song. I would’ve been here for that concept. However, a song about...activism? Is not done much, so you have a unique concept. I think the fact that you’re a good pop writer is both a strong suit and a weakness, because while I feel like this would sound great in song form, it feels a bit weak in written form, mostly due to the rhyme choices. (“fast/”last”, “globe”/”explode” being just two examples) What was really interesting was that the problems that I saw in every other part of your song weren’t present in your pre-chorus, which lets me know that you are able o both keep your pop writing in tact while not having it sound so...cheesy. I think more along those lines would take you a far way. This was a couplet. “No shades or hues are forbidden And every stroke is a work of art” Gastrodonatella - Eden This was a couplet. “You come and lay beside me in my vivid fantasy In the garden under moonlight in a neverending dream” Corsola - Petals This was a couplet. “I make a bed of flowers to give him peace eternally And blanket him in petals so he can keep our memories” Auburn - A Song For Her So there are two glaring issues that this entry has...awkward rhymes and sentence-phrasing. Rhymes like “away/wane”, “black/fast” being just two examples of awkward rhymes and the latter (“and you couldn’t catch her fast”) being an example of awkward phasing in a line. You seemed like you have an idea of what you wanted to do, but the execution got the better of you. It wouldn’t be bad at all with those issues fixed. The meter was fine, and part of me thinks that’s why the issues I mentioned came from. You must’ve made perfectly sure your meter was great, and well...you succeeded on that. This was a couplet. “She was your anemone A beautiful, short-lived star” Overprotected - Uncertainty I feel that, on a technical level, there’s a lot that could be polished, or made more effective. I didn’t get a real sense of meter, for instance, but rather, it was more like a diary entry that rhymed. However, there’s a real sense of emotion here that I don’t get out of many songs people send to try to appeal on an emotional level. There’s something about this that feels convincing, whether this is personal to you or not, that makes it feel that way, so I think there’s a lot of potential on that front. This was a couplet. “Surrounded by those who don’t look closely I feel safer in my own state of mind” r.e.m - Camellia There’s...a lot left to be desired here. It was pretty short (not a bad thing particularly), but nothing really stands out or really warrants the short length. Despite the short length, some lines still felt like padding, such as the choruses that take up 59% of the entry (I did the math), so that doesn’t help. I just get a sense that you were uninspired this week, but it’s okay since there aren’t eliminations. This was a couplet. “When your love is in my heart We're a work of art, we're a work of art” RihsusChrist(ATG) - Field of Dreams Did this person ever remember making love and breaking your heart in the field of dreams? A good question. :thinking: I think the point was made without the 3x repetition at the end, which just got monotonous at that point. There’s a difference between driving a point home and beating a dead horse, and considering most of your entry IS the chorus (66%), it was closer to the latter. Besides for that...nothing particularly bad here, just very anodyne. At least there’s a story. This was a couplet. “Sheets like emerald silk and dove feathers Didn’t care if God could hear their screams” Speezy - “Setting Sail Through the Blue Dangers!” “The things you’ve done are* surfacing up to the light”, outside of that petty note, I think there’s an interesting idea here, that got a bit lost in imagery. Leaving marks on him as a warning to others to stay away? Concept! I wish it played more of a role in the song. The meter you chose was a bit confusing, since you did 4 lines each set in the first verse and 3 lines in the second, and the rhyme scheme changed as well. This was a couplet. Achilles. - “Morning Glory” As to be expected when it comes to you, there’s a tangible rhythm here that makes this feel musical, and you have a knack for it. The way you transition from segment to segment in a way where they flow into each other seamlessly is a strong point in your writing. However, I think there’s a sense of personality that isn’t very present that I would’ve really liked to see in a song like this. This was a couplet. “After all these nights of pleasure Can’t I be your morning glory” Temporal - “Fever Dream” Well this was short, but it was succinct. In a way, it’s fitting, even. We got the idea of what happened just fine. Your meter was perfect, there were no forced sounding rhymes, you had overall fine lines, although nothing particularly screamed “the talent jumped out”, you know? This was a couplet. ”I’ll bandage all my crimson wounds With another fever dream of you” Citrus - “Our Home of Flowers” I see using edgy languages is the new thing! No, but I really liked the creativity of this, and the story, at least for PH standards, is fairly original. The way your Arabic chorus actually rhymes when we’d have no way of clocking you on it. Kind of a genius! This was a couplet. “I'm terrified that one day it will leave me What if I forget the way he laughed?” OreGuy - “Nostredame” Okay, so there are some tenses of words that got messed up, (“At first I didn’t believed”, “I managed to messed up every time”), and other lines that aren’t how you’d typically say things. (“...on the books on the school” would be “...in the books at school”, for instance.) Outside of these issues, I think there’s a good entry here, a fairly creative concept and some lines I thought were cool. Overall solid. :eyes: This was a couplet. “I’ll be the damned, you’ll be the vision I’ll take a seat, you’ll write decisions” Xedretinz Lododnz - “Violets in our Garden of Love” There’s not much done here that makes this stand out, which is what the biggest issue with this is. It’s a story heard a thousand times with no spin on it, and it’s hard to get invested in. There were some lines that read opposite to what you actually wanted to go for (“What have you done my sweet little girl” reads like you’re talking to your daughter, not your lover, for instance.) There are also some rhymes that feel entirely too predictable (bloom/gloom), and that’s if you didn’t just use the same word. I also can’t help but feel it was entirely too long-winded and could’ve been made more lyrical. (At least one line had 19 syllables??) This was a couplet. “You plow a land in our garden of love to plant the violets there and nurture it. Our love grows deeply as those flowers grow till we lived together with a sense of bliss” SeanKevinMusic - “Remembrance of Hurt” Okay so I’m kinda used to seeing this type of soldier imagery in a metaphorical sense, but it’s more literal here, which is really cool! When doing emotional songs, saying things so...bluntly dampens the impact (“I see a picture of you / wearing your amour and i cry” is more funny than sad tbh). There are some lyrics that feel very typical and done-before, (you’ll be amongst the stars / shining a light, burning so bright” could be in any number of songs and tells us nothing) and it’s this familiar language that really brings the whole piece down. I would suggest finding more interesting ways to convey what you’d like to say. This was a couplet. “11 days, 10 nights thats when i remember you” minho - “0503” There’s something to be said for the fact that, realistically, nothing is happening in this entry. You’re not losing the love of your life (or find it), you’re not dying, hell you’re not even hurt, it’s kind of just an appreciation for nature and yet it’s captivating enough to be read throughout. That’s just a testament to who you are as a writer, and I appreciate it. This was a couplet. “I follow the directions my mind’s created Through a maze of lives the younger me hated” Sorry for no mentions but ATRL will not cooperate today. I'm sure it will be in the OP and it's also posted on the Discord if you cba to check there.
ultraviolence.xx Posted May 6, 2018 Posted May 6, 2018 the rest of my reviews i'm just going to post bc formatting is a bitch today Speezy, “Setting Sail Through the Blue Dangers!” – ok the hook is a wig, it’s simple but effective. this is a very timely song with a cute empowering message – i appreciate that. the internal rhyme in the bridge of direct/correct is a wig too. that back/path rhyme feels mega forced tho. i think this is a mega improvement over your entry from last round – it displays more creativity, features more interesting images, and has more power. color me impressed! favorite part: “i’ll lead them away from the malice in you” Achilles., “Morning Glory” – ok wig, this is cute (not in a cute-vs-gorgeous way). i like the development of this song as it progresses. “it’s good, but could be better” is how i feel about that line itself – it’s kind of basic, and you’ve shown elsewhere in this song that you’re totally capable of better lines. the prechorus is lowkey repetitive but the little changes throughout make it work. the bridge is a gorgeous girl. one thing i’m struggling to understand is what the “empty room” analogy means – can you clarify this for me? it’s probably something obvious that i’m missing. un-wig. favorite part: “open the door and pull me outside / say ‘our love is nothing we should have to hide’” :’) Temporal, “Fever Dream” – okay i’m honestly emotional reading this. like literally choked up. it’s something i’ve felt before, many times actually, and it’s clear from reading it that the pain is genuine and it isn’t just fiction. ugh, i’m quaking. ok. there are some trivial things to address tho. some of the metaphors are kind of too much, like the forests of the mind and the cosmic past and the stars aligning; i understand the astral leitmotif, but some of the specific metaphors you chose feel well-trod. the “flames as hot as spring” line feels odd as spring isn’t really that hot, not compared to summer at least. this is overall a slay tho and i got really in my feelings. snatch me favorite part: “i’ll bandage all my crimson wounds / with another fever dream of you”; “petals growing on the walls / what goes up is bound to fall” Citrus, “Our Home of Flowers” – :’( this is a wig and a half. slay at you using another language effortlessly and beautifully. coming for that crossover hit. there were a few lines that read awkwardly, kind of stilted, as if they’d been translated over? “i hid his smile trapped”; “say[ing] goodbye to all your moments,” as some examples. i also like that you include themes from proverbs instead of just translating “i’m sad x” into arabic. the images are beautiful and the story is wonderful and i really feel this song. wig, i feel that. already. wig in arkansas. why is this kansas but this is not ar-kansas? america, explain! favorite part: “but the burning place will always be my home” :’( :’) OreGuy, “Nostredame” – ok WIG this has some EXCELLENT lines??? i like this a lot. ugh there are so many parts of this i want to highlight because the concepts and ideas are just so innovative and gorgeous. i didn’t know who nostredame was but i looked it up and i think it’s cool that the song makes sense without that context but also fits with it. super cool. a job very well done and i look forward to your entry next week. favorite part: “you are the greatest of your kind / i trust your mind more than i trust mine”; “i’ll be the damned, you’ll be the vision” wig LEVITATING! Xedretinz Lododnz, “Violets in Our Garden of Love” – okay there are some great ideas in here, but some of the lines are far too long to be delivered normally in a song. the verses are cute and have good ideas but there are just too many words for them to fit into a song and be delivered. you know what i mean? some of the rhymes in the chorus felt forced, too, like girl/pearl and bloom/gloom, like you’re writing the entire line just so it rhymes. also using “grow” twice in the same line rubs me the wrong way, i feel like you could find a different word to use in one of those instances. favorite part: “i guess forever doesn’t exist at all / these violets, they’re now withered” SeanKevinMusic, “Remembrance of Hurt” – “wearing your amour” – is this supposed to be french or is it supposed to say armour? also, your second verse says “solider” – be careful of typos! but this is cute overall, if not exactly groundbreaking. the “light/bright” rhyme in the chorus feels very forced and unoriginal – i think you can do better. also the doubling of “remember” in the end of the chorus feels repetitive. favorite part: “i see the color of you / from a fragment of the war-torn earth” minho, “0503” – for writing this in less than half an hour i’m mega impressed. that being said there are pitfalls the song falls into. i noticed a few qualifiers that lessen the impact of what you’re saying – things like “just” and “quite,” stuff that dilutes the meaning. also, it doesn’t really go anywhere, which i suppose wasn’t your greatest concern in the minutes you spent. favorite part: “under towering tree forests, rainfall booms” wig, a line!
RihsusChrist(ATG) Posted May 6, 2018 Posted May 6, 2018 2 hours ago, ultraviolence.xx said: @RihsusChrist(ATG) – "Field of Dreams" i like this overall, but the use of the word “literal” feels kind of corny to me. it may just be me, but saying field of dreams without the “literal” makes sense as being literal even without saying it, does that make sense? moving on, i like the theme of involuntary memory – something you didn’t want to think about being prompted by a random sight. the “god hearing their screams” feels VERY serious, like bloodbath in a war or something, but i assume you intended it as like screams of love. for me, that felt strange dd. the use of the word “fellow” feels kind of conversational and kind of like a forced rhyme to me. there are some great images in here tho, let me say! favorite part: “pillaging without apologies / stolen from silent pleas” Thanks for reviewing my song! 34 minutes ago, Hug said: RihsusChrist(ATG) - Field of Dreams Did this person ever remember making love and breaking your heart in the field of dreams? A good question. :thinking: I think the point was made without the 3x repetition at the end, which just got monotonous at that point. There’s a difference between driving a point home and beating a dead horse, and considering most of your entry IS the chorus (66%), it was closer to the latter. Besides for that...nothing particularly bad here, just very anodyne. At least there’s a story. This was a couplet. “Sheets like emerald silk and dove feathers Didn’t care if God could hear their screams”. ...thank you Hug.
Speezy Posted May 6, 2018 Posted May 6, 2018 @Hug dragging my song by saying 2 nonexistent couplets is better than the entirety
UFO Posted May 7, 2018 Posted May 7, 2018 It was kind of risky so I'm glad the judges like my verses. I was hesitant since the two verses are basically the same with a couple lyrics changed for effect. But I'm glad it paid off! I personally love how the verses are the same but the inverse of each other. I did it before a few seasons above with a light-dark contrast and the judges loved it too nnn I don't do it often but when I do, I make sure it slays! I was so scared y'all would drag me for it but I guess I executed it well. It's also why I put a lot of effort into my bridge this week so that my song doesn't come across as "lazy". although I will say that it's very convenient to do that same-verses-but-with-some-differences trick when you have writer's block fff the second verse is always such a BITCH to write.
conatus Posted May 7, 2018 Posted May 7, 2018 Thanks @Hug! You weren't the only one to pick up on "melting window displays" but I really liked it so I kept it nn. It's basically just referring to, like, buildings and shop fronts, etc., you remember from your hometown/childhood that are losing their detail over time until they just blur into one giant monochrome blob. Maybe "fading" would have worked better but I felt that might have been too on-the-nose.
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