poki Posted September 16, 2017 Share Posted September 16, 2017 We're watching GoAnimate videos join us https://www.dubtrack.fm/join/platinumhitlers Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Galah Posted September 17, 2017 Share Posted September 17, 2017 y dose all the fun happen when im at work work is GROUNDED GROUNDED GROUNDED for 1989 hundres billion lightyears and my boss will be EXECUTED Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ultraviolence.xx Posted September 17, 2017 Share Posted September 17, 2017 3 minutes ago, Aurora said: y dose all the fun happen when im at work work is GROUNDED GROUNDED GROUNDED for 1989 hundres billion lightyears and my boss will be EXECUTED oh i bet we'lls till be on later Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ceremonials Posted September 17, 2017 Share Posted September 17, 2017 batch one x @Hug, “Heaven’s Mirror” Okay, I sort of like how elementary this feels? I don’t mean that as a bad thing at all, either. I know you’re not the most “out there” writer but there was a simplicity to this that was incredibly refreshing, and I felt that it went well with the whole “growing up” motif throughout the song. Maybe that’s just your style, but I think it really worked here. Along with this, the style highlighted your chosen theme of “youth” exceptionally. I really liked all of the choruses, and I like the idea of changing choruses as well. It shows progression. However, I felt like your first chorus was strong enough to keep throughout the whole song. The post choruses feel a little tacked on to me, perhaps maybe they should’ve been a little longer. Still, they’re cute segways into the next part of the song, which I like. I’m also not 100% sure about the Heaven’s Mirror metaphor - like I get that it’s some body of water, but I’m not sure why it’s there, if that makes sense. Overall, I like this. I think it’s a pretty typical entry for you, but don’t fix what ain’t broken “You told me about Heaven’s Mirror and how you visit every summer / You said you always liked the waves but feared the tide would pull you under” @minho, “Play of Colour - Platonic Love” What exactly is a “play of color”? I’m not sure the song translated that super well, or at least not as well as “Platonic Love”, so in that sense the chorus feels a bit muddled. As always, I’m going to take issue with your writing style because it has never been lyrical for me. Musical, sure; but not lyrical. I mean this in the least shady way possible but it sort of seems like you write KPOP. Or maybe not purposefully, but the genre just has enough impact on you that it’s reflected in your writing. Either way, I don’t hate it, and I love that you’ve found a style that works for you, but I hope you step out of that box sometimes as well. This seemed like more of an issue last round but I’m interested to see a song by you in standard PH format - I think it could do you wonders, since you are a creative and emotive writer. “Beams of light hit my eyes / Hit the heart, and they reflect apart” @ultraviolence.xx, “Violet Eyed” Okay, I was really digging this until the second verse. The first verse starts incredibly strong and while the chorus slows it down a bit, it’s still pretty strong. The second verse isn’t terrible, but it has some of the most forced rhymes I’ve seen from you so far, and forced rhymes typically aren’t an issue for you if I remember correctly. The “thighs” line is especially guilty, but maybe there’s some reference or something that just went way over my head. Still, this is one of my favorite entries from you, and I find the whole season theme really cute, even if it’s definitely been done before. This felt like the perfect round to do it, and I think you executed it well, though I might’ve changed some of the seasons around. Winter for example is commonly associated with death or ending, at least symbolically, so that might’ve been better for the bridge. And spring is commonly associated with hope and new beginnings and I think that would’ve fit the final chorus extremely well. This didn’t impact my enjoyment of the song, but I feel it could’ve given it more depth. “I see my violet-eyed lover in the sun that dapples through trees / I feel my violet-eyed lover in the air that danced through browning leaves” @Nait Phoenix, “To My Flower…” Okay, so this was pretty short and sweet, It didn’t pack a whole lot of punch, though, which is what I generally look for in short pieces. There was some punch though, in the epilogue especially there were some beautifully written lines. You didn’t specify what birthstone you chose, so I can’t speak for how well you tackled that concept. But this feels very motherly, and if I had to sum it up in one word it would probably be “pride”. Not pride as in like the seven deadly sins, but more like being proud of someone - in this case a child (I assume?). One more thing I will say is that the chorus was pretty weak and didn’t add much to the song as a whole. Like the rest of the song, it could’ve used some more development. “As your garden grows, you’ll pass the words I say / So that one day you’ll be proud of the flowers they became” @funnellegs, “One Body, Two Minds” Okay, the line I quoted at the bottom did incarcerate my wig, but I think it could’ve been elevated. The “I think” is the issue here, it expresses uncertainty or ambiguity, which you don’t want to do with a closer. Maybe something like “Finally found strength in these purple hues / The sweetest of strengths, I am my own muse”. To be honest I wasn’t really feeling this until the second verse on my first read through, where it really started to pick up. Maybe I was thrown off by some of the lines in the first verse - the “maim” line in particular still feels kind of out of place. I also thought hues and blues was an incredibly lame rhyme, but I sort of appreciated it when I read the final variation of it. The second time I read through it though, it read a lot smoother, especially the second half which I think is some of the most eloquent writing I've seen from you so far. Overall, there’s minor technical hurdles here and there, but this felt like one of your most polished entries for me. I think what I like most about it is how well it flows. It was easy to read, and I appreciate that. Defend your crown, sis. “I think I found comfort in these purple hues / The sweetest of strengths, I am my own muse” @Gastrodonatella, “Purple Mist” While this was technically perfect in every sense of the word, I couldn’t help but feel like something was missing. Maybe it was the lack of standout lines, since I struggled to find one when picking my favorite - though they are all strong, few of them really punch like your couplets usually do. But I think that’s a small price to pay for an otherwise perfect song - it filt the challenge perfectly, used good imagery and narrative techniques, and was top notch mechanically. I think maybe very general rounds aren’t your strong suit, so props for making it work. This was concise and tactical, even if it did get a bit formulaic. “I stand atop the mountains rising high above the clouds / My whispers break the silence and they echo back around” @Tsareena, “Opalescence” SCREAMING @ you rhyming something with opalescence and making it work. A talent, put that on your resume honey. I love that you went for a definite rhyme scheme here; and though it wasn’t pulled off perfectly, the effort was definitely there, and it shows. The problem with most of them is they’re either too easy or too forced, and they rarely find nice middle ground. I don’t judge people too harshly for “easy” rhymes, because, well, they’re easy because they work. They’re called that because they’re words that are easy to rhyme with, so that kind of limits the variables that can go wrong. Still, some judges will drag you for things like light/right. But you don’t have to worry about that with me! What you do have to worry about is forced rhymes though, because they can completely ruin the tone of a song. “Beauty of which he believes he has none” is a textbook example of this. It’s worded in a way that you probably wouldn’t say it in real life, simply because it rhymes. Try to avoid things like this. If you’re having trouble coming up with a good rhyme, try replacing the word you’re trying to rhyme with with a synonym, or maybe you can rearrange the line in order to have a new word to rhyme with. There’s a lot of ways to go about it. I know I just wrote you a novel about a couple of lines, but even the most forced of rhymes don’t impact my enjoyment of a song too much. It’s gotta be really bad for me to hate the song based off of one or two lines. That said, I LOVE that you’re one of the few contestants that continuously takes my advice, and maybe it’s just my own ego, but I think you’ve grown a lot because of it. Also, you nailed this challenge content wise, and the narrative was cute and original. It was just ultimately slightly weighed down by the rhymes, and I mostly forgive that since the structure is kind of a foreign concept right now. And like I said, I don't take rhymes too seriously, so don't be fooled by this long ass review. You were one of my higher scores. “So put a light to your heart and bathe in the beauty of your own reflection / For hidden in you is a light of many colors, an iridescence like no other, your opalescence” @Covergirl, “The Death of the Ruby Rose Love Demon” Okay, this definitely felt like a regression into the old Niko. I thought he was dead? Guess not. Maybe you just figured you’d be safe because of your high rankings in other rounds so you half assed this, and well, that’s probably true. You’d have to get like a 2 to get eliminated, I believe. This wasn’t awful by any means, but it felt very rushed and pretty unpolished. None of the lines really have any kind of punch - though I do like the one I quoted at the bottom, it’s still worded kind of awkwardly. The title is at least interesting but it’s not really...expanded upon in the song. I normally wouldn’t drag anyone for something like this but based on your previous entries I know what you’re capable of and I want to see better. “When it comes to love I’ve left a void / If something’s not there, then it can’t be destroyed” Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ceremonials Posted September 17, 2017 Share Posted September 17, 2017 sorry that i havent done favorite couplets for rounds 2+3 yet, but i'll do them eventually. ive had a v stressful week Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bandito Posted September 17, 2017 Share Posted September 17, 2017 Anyone want to look at my sonnet for my creative writing class? I need help. It's due tomorrow haha. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ultraviolence.xx Posted September 17, 2017 Share Posted September 17, 2017 1 minute ago, Lane Boy said: Anyone want to look at my sonnet for my creative writing class? I need help. It's due tomorrow haha. im down Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MattyTacos Posted September 17, 2017 Share Posted September 17, 2017 covergirl is niko ???? who the hell is gastrondella then? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ultraviolence.xx Posted September 17, 2017 Share Posted September 17, 2017 Just now, MattyTacos said: covergirl is niko ???? who the hell is gastrondella then? i WILL not tell you the answer Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MattyTacos Posted September 17, 2017 Share Posted September 17, 2017 Just now, ultraviolence.xx said: i WILL not tell you the answer then gtfo of my notifications Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MattyTacos Posted September 17, 2017 Share Posted September 17, 2017 3 minutes ago, Gastrodonatella said: im cardi b you know where im at, you know where i be Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MattyTacos Posted September 17, 2017 Share Posted September 17, 2017 Just now, Gastrodonatella said: i dont know what that is the queen of rap Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hug Posted September 17, 2017 Share Posted September 17, 2017 46 minutes ago, ceremonials said: Okay, I sort of like how elementary this feels? I don’t mean that as a bad thing at all, either. I know you’re not the most “out there” writer but there was a simplicity to this that was incredibly refreshing, and I felt that it went well with the whole “growing up” motif throughout the song. Maybe that’s just your style, but I think it really worked here. Along with this, the style highlighted your chosen theme of “youth” exceptionally. Although I wasn't actively thinking to make the song feel "child-like", I was consciously making sure I didn't use really sophisticated language because, in my opinion, it muddies the emotion. (I would say Aurora shade but I already told ha how I felt about that!) I try to make my language universal in how easy it is to understand and resonate with, but I try to balance that with how focused on imagery and stuff PH is, so I'm glad you thought my style worked f. It was the first time in a while I tried doing a story-telling song that wasn't me retelling an existing story. 46 minutes ago, ceremonials said: I really liked all of the choruses, and I like the idea of changing choruses as well. It shows progression. However, I felt like your first chorus was strong enough to keep throughout the whole song. Nnn I'm going to disagree here. The first chorus was where we find one of them is scared of swimming and they felt like having a friend to go with them would allow them to be brave and go in the water. I know I didn't do a good job within the song itself, but the final chorus is actually the first time they both go in the water together, and when they float along together, they realize that they only feel free when they're with each other. (That's also the importance of Heaven's Mirror, I put in my explanation thing that the ocean reflects the heavens like a mirror infinitely and allows people to find hidden truths of reality, and that was their truth)...I know explanations aren't taken into account for entries, but that's why the choruses varying are important. 46 minutes ago, ceremonials said: The post choruses feel a little tacked on to me, perhaps maybe they should’ve been a little longer. Still, they’re cute segways into the next part of the song, which I like. I felt like they needed to be there, although I *could* have done something more with it...I was also worried about writing lines that felt cheap and dragged down the rest of the song, which is why I kept them short. 46 minutes ago, ceremonials said: Overall, I like this. I think it’s a pretty typical entry for you, but don’t fix what ain’t broken Thematically, I do think its typical, and some of the things I tend to do, like repeating certain lines for emphasis, are there, but me doing a story-telling song was new for me because I usually capture moments rather than tell stories, and Tu'er Shen being my lowest peaking song tells me my story-telling still leaves something to be desired. Thank you, though. I appreciate your review. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ceremonials Posted September 17, 2017 Share Posted September 17, 2017 17 minutes ago, Hug said: Although I wasn't actively thinking to make the song feel "child-like", I was consciously making sure I didn't use really sophisticated language because, in my opinion, it muddies the emotion. (I would say Aurora shade but I already told ha how I felt about that!) I try to make my language universal in how easy it is to understand and resonate with, but I try to balance that with how focused on imagery and stuff PH is, so I'm glad you thought my style worked f. It was the first time in a while I tried doing a story-telling song that wasn't me retelling an existing story. Nnn I'm going to disagree here. The first chorus was where we find one of them is scared of swimming and they felt like having a friend to go with them would allow them to be brave and go in the water. I know I didn't do a good job within the song itself, but the final chorus is actually the first time they both go in the water together, and when they float along together, they realize that they only feel free when they're with each other. (That's also the importance of Heaven's Mirror, I put in my explanation thing that the ocean reflects the heavens like a mirror infinitely and allows people to find hidden truths of reality, and that was their truth)...I know explanations aren't taken into account for entries, but that's why the choruses varying are important. I felt like they needed to be there, although I *could* have done something more with it...I was also worried about writing lines that felt cheap and dragged down the rest of the song, which is why I kept them short. Thematically, I do think its typical, and some of the things I tend to do, like repeating certain lines for emphasis, are there, but me doing a story-telling song was new for me because I usually capture moments rather than tell stories, and Tu'er Shen being my lowest peaking song tells me my story-telling still leaves something to be desired. Thank you, though. I appreciate your review. I mean yeah, narrative wise the final chorus is stronger but it's not written as well as the first one. That's what I meant. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ceremonials Posted September 17, 2017 Share Posted September 17, 2017 33 minutes ago, MattyTacos said: covergirl is niko ???? who the hell is gastrondella then? kwsksjdnmc what? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Glassmouth Posted September 17, 2017 Share Posted September 17, 2017 i wanna read reviews of my song so bad ugh omg im excited Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Denim Posted September 17, 2017 Share Posted September 17, 2017 16 minutes ago, Gastrodonatella said: ive evolved from corsola alt to niko alt more so regressed Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ultraviolence.xx Posted September 17, 2017 Share Posted September 17, 2017 Just now, Covergirl said: more so regressed a reverse pokemonian experience Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Denim Posted September 17, 2017 Share Posted September 17, 2017 Yeah um this was definitely the product of me having a safe net and wanting going back to the old way I used to write just for one round, which always got panned by the judges, but rightfully so This is for sure the Dancin' In Circles of the album, a song that I gave to my fans who like the old stuff and want to have at least one song on the album that is like previous albums. The other songs are for sure the "Million Reasons", "Joanne", and "Sinner's Prayer" of the album, the songs that are completely dedicated in the new direction Now I have to balance it out and make my A-YO! and Perfect Illusion Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Glassmouth Posted September 17, 2017 Share Posted September 17, 2017 (edited) Anthony II (The Black Pearl and the Iridescent Dream Matter that Made Me Call You at 4AM) Spoiler V2 I had a dream that night, we were sharing the same space I could hear you laugh as I stared into your face And every time I looked at you I only saw the haze Of a pearlish illusion my head made up to be entertained V2 Your two green eyes are looking right at mine A play of four fooled eyes by love and it's funny Cause as I felt my heart sinking in the dream The picture got so small and it reminded me Of it, the night you broke my heart And I finally woke up CHORUS You don't know how much I've tried But forgetting is so hard My voice has no weight I see you in my saddest moments You, firefly, gave hope and start a fire all at once V3 I hide the weakest parts of me to feel like I'm strong And I guess that's what made us not get along It took the worst of me to think I was wrong And no matter what I did, I tried, but I took my phone and called V4 And in between the frightening sound of waiting I looked up to the moon that night, it was 4:30 And as loyal as I was to both our hearts I waited for your voice to break those silent thoughts CHORUS2 Oh, you don't know how hard I've tried But forgetting you is hard So I won't do it at all I'll wait I might need year or maybe more I don't know, I'm too stupid to know CHORUS3 Oh no, you don't know how hard I've tried But forgetting is so hard Keep calling me dumb, keep thinking I'm a fool At least the sound of your voice made me feel brand new OUTRO So I smiled for a little while Before all the tears came back Yes, and I smiled a little while Before all the tears put me back to sleep Oh, I'm a black pearl dreaming of the purest love Oh, I'm a black pearl dreaming of the purest love not sharing the explanation cause that's embarrassing Edited September 17, 2017 by Glassmouth Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ultraviolence.xx Posted September 17, 2017 Share Posted September 17, 2017 1 minute ago, Glassmouth said: Anthony II (The Black Pearl and the Iridiscent Dream Matter that Made Me Call You at 4AM) Reveal hidden contents V2 I had a dream that night, we were sharing the same space I could hear you laugh as I stared into your face And every time I looked at you I only saw the haze Of a pearlish illusion my head made up to be entertained V2 Your two green eyes are looking right at mine A play of four fooled eyes by love and it's funny Cause as I felt my heart sinking in the dream The picture got so small and it reminded me Of it, the night you broke my heart And I finally woke up CHORUS You don't know how much I've tried But forgetting is so hard My voice has no weight I see you in my saddest moments You, firefly, gave hope and start a fire all at once V3 I hide the weakest parts of me to feel like I'm strong And I guess that's what made us not get along It took the worst of me to think I was wrong And no matter what I did, I tried, but I took my phone and called V4 And in between the frightening sound of waiting I looked up to the moon that night, it was 4:30 And as loyal as I was to both our hearts I waited for your voice to break those silent thoughts CHORUS2 Oh, you don't know how hard I've tried But forgetting you is hard So I won't do it at all I'll wait I might need year or maybe more I don't know, I'm too stupid to know CHORUS3 Oh no, you don't know how hard I've tried But forgetting is so hard Keep calling me dumb, keep thinking I'm a fool At least the sound of your voice made me feel brand new OUTRO So I smiled for a little while Before all the tears came back Yes, and I smiled a little while Before all the tears put me back to sleep Oh, I'm a black pearl dreaming of the purest love Oh, I'm a black pearl dreaming of the purest love not sharing the explanation cause that's embarrassing a SONG Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Glassmouth Posted September 17, 2017 Share Posted September 17, 2017 13 minutes ago, ultraviolence.xx said: a SONG thank you king of the TOP 10 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ultraviolence.xx Posted September 17, 2017 Share Posted September 17, 2017 18 minutes ago, Glassmouth said: thank you king of the TOP 10 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jackson Posted September 17, 2017 Author Share Posted September 17, 2017 I haven't even started reviews n Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ultraviolence.xx Posted September 17, 2017 Share Posted September 17, 2017 1 minute ago, Jackson said: I haven't even started reviews n asdkfjhaf Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts