tournament PLATINUM HIT 11▴ congratulations aurora ♛

[ceremonials]

  On 9/11/2017 at 1:09 AM, MattyTacos said:

 

I just added Jackson to the pm to show I submitted the entry we'll see what happens I guess, not too mad since I was kinda side-tracked with the whole "getting kicked out of the house" situation which luckily has calmed down a bit & I'm making plans to move into an apartment spring next year

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i can review her if you want

 

[denim]

AHHH I LOVE MY SONG SO FAR

 

doing my favorite color and stone

 

[UFO]

whew ok let me REMIND myself to not write too much this round since that was like the major criticism   sometimes I get too carried away and lost in my own thoughts when I write my songs so I add another stanza to verse 1 and then another stanza to verse 2 and then I merge verse 1 and verse 2 together to create a 4-stanza long verse and then I write another verse 2 and then I write the bridge and then I make it a 2-part bridge and repeat it so it "flows" better and if I STILL have more to say I write an outro and then I cut half the bridge and place it at the beginning for ~experimental structure~ and then I turn the chorus into a "hook" and make it as short as possible so my song won't seem as long when it actually is and then I don't write a pre-chorus because I'm a lazy bitch and it's long enough anyway  this is literally my writing process   inb4 I troll the judges and submit like only 3 lines this week       

[MattyTacos]

  On 9/11/2017 at 1:17 AM, ceremonials said:

i can review her if you want

 

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That'd be great, I understand that it's completely out of your way at this point so it means a lot you still want to read/give thoughts  

[ceremonials]

  On 9/11/2017 at 1:18 AM, MattyTacos said:

That'd be great, I understand that it's completely out of your way at this point so it means a lot you still want to read/give thoughts  

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Okay, PM it to me I dont wanna wait for Ratson

[MattyTacos]

  On 9/11/2017 at 1:20 AM, ceremonials said:

Okay, PM it to me I dont wanna wait for Ratson

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I invited you to the PM, let's see if somebody actually gets it this time

 

 

[UFO]

  On 9/11/2017 at 1:14 AM, MattyTacos said:

bitchdid you make escape the ESSAY even longer than before i critiqued it? screaming, it was too ahead of its time for lengthy entries i suppose  

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sis what   akfjhakjf I actually DELETED some lines from the version I sent you   

 

These lines:

 

(Once again, once more I'd like to feel myself break like I had some worth)
(Like I have some worth, like I have a voice)
(Like I have a beating heart to hurt, hurt)

 

Oh, how I wish I could hurt and love and hurt again in freedom
In freedom

 

are GONE

 

oh wait nvm I did make it longer I just checked    I repeated the "I choose to fall away" line like 1294692138541 more times 

 I think I have a LEGIT problem   

 

 

[MattyTacos]

  On 9/11/2017 at 1:22 AM, UFO said:

sis what   akfjhakjf I actually DELETED some lines from the version I sent you   

 

These lines:

 

(Once again, once more I'd like to feel myself break like I had some worth)
(Like I have some worth, like I have a voice)
(Like I have a beating heart to hurt, hurt)

 

Oh, how I wish I could hurt and love and hurt again in freedom
In freedom

 

are GONE

 

oh wait nvm I did make it longer I just checked    I repeated the "I choose to fall away" line like 1294692138541 more times 

 I think I have a LEGIT problem   

 

 

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We clearly need to stage an intervention for your 5,000 word essays  

[denim]

I don't share my songs with contestants anymore because I'm afraid they would steal my ideas

 

[UFO]

  On 9/11/2017 at 1:26 AM, MattyTacos said:

We clearly need to stage an intervention for your 5,000 word essays  

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RIGHT? I could literally write essays on what the weather was like today   literally something that can be explained in one sentence, I write THREE paragraphs to explain it ajfsadfjl idk what's wrong with me   I think it's because I feel like I never make sense or no one understands what I'm saying so I overcompensate and write more than I should which backfires because I look even crazier than before UGH someone help me     

[UFO]

  On 9/11/2017 at 1:27 AM, Covergirl said:

I don't share my songs with contestants anymore because I'm afraid they would steal my ideas

 

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NNNnnnn sis  

 

[MattyTacos]

  On 9/11/2017 at 1:28 AM, UFO said:

RIGHT? I could literally write essays on what the weather was like today   literally something that can be explained in one sentence, I write THREE paragraphs to explain it ajfsadfjl idk what's wrong with me   I think it's because I feel like I never make sense or no one understands what I'm saying so I overcompensate and write more than I should which backfires because I look even crazier than before UGH someone help me     

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That's a descriptive quality that most writers nowadays fail to possess so kudos to you  just find a better way of balancing descriptions in shorter sentences. 

[Speezy]

  On 9/11/2017 at 1:11 AM, UFO said:

ok I'm switching my plans. gonna do Ruby first and see if I can come up with anything good

UNLESS I think of a really good Opal concept but all I can think of right now is having sex with a wizard   @Speezy is shook !    

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Don't let him disappear inside you  

[UFO]

  On 9/11/2017 at 1:30 AM, MattyTacos said:

That's a descriptive quality that most writers nowadays fail to possess so kudos to you  just find a better way of balancing descriptions in shorter sentences. 

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Thanks, I will!  

I'll try      from this post onwards I'll try to restrain myself if I can. whew king of bondage

[UFO]

  On 9/11/2017 at 1:32 AM, Speezy said:

Don't let him disappear inside you  

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ffff maybe I'll make him come back with his magic wand   

    we should NEVER collab tbh - the girls would not be ready for us     

 

although we would SCALP

[Speezy]

  On 9/11/2017 at 1:39 AM, UFO said:

ffff maybe I'll make him come back with his magic wand   

    we should NEVER collab tbh - the girls would not be ready for us     

 

although we would SCALP

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 the mess. The 50 Shades Of Grey Platinum Hits track will be born 

[Speezy]

  On 9/10/2017 at 10:08 PM, Gastrodonatella said:

speezy is machoke because you want sexual speezy to come back with a choke me daddy anthem 

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 why didn't I see this 

But I found what works for me finally which are those types of songs 

[UFO]

okay  I just came up with a super cute concept ! I'm excited 

[SaintWest]

The record label challenge was always the turning point for me the last two seasons so it better not be the opposite this time.

[ceremonials]

                         hi this is a megapost for my reviews in the first rounds so jackson can link them in the OP. My round 1 reviews are spread over like 10 pages so i aint wanna look thru all them  

 

but from now on the post should just be linked in the OP, since i do them in two parts instead of 37

 

 

round one

  Reveal hidden contents

 

 

batch one

 

Ultraviolence.xx, “Timepiece”

 

I think as a sort of follow up to Hourglass, this does a lot of things quite well. I don’t even have to really read the song to know what song it was inspired by, and that can be both a curse and a blessing. The inspiration here is very evident, and there’s even some direct reference. In a way, I think that’s cute. It’s kind of like a sequel, or maybe it’s supposed to be written from the person outside the glass’s point of view? WIG if that’s true, but unfortunately I didn’t really get that impression. This felt a bit too much like a recreation and less like a reiteration. The direct references were cute for me, as I’m the one who wrote the original, but to others it might cheapen the experience, if only just slightly. I think a lot of this can also just be attributed to using the time motif in music or poetry, so I won’t be docking you for it.

 

There were some spots I do take issue with, though. This really reads like a Lana song, and while I’m ****ing here for that, a lot of the times on paper her songs don’t sound that good lyrically, mostly because they just don’t have very good natural flow or cadence. Her melodies are what make it work. Remember that we can’t hear how it sounds in your head, and even if we could, we couldn’t judge it based on that. The line I think suffers from this the most would be “I hold it back, I’ll never tell / I never can” You absolutely MURDERED the flow right there, and though it does pick up right after that, I wish this was a bit more tight structurally. This is the first round though, so you won’t be a judged too harshly for it. I do have issues with a few other lines - particularly “stomach soars” and the first line of the prechorus (ESPECIALLY this one, delete it Demi). The ending was a bit anti climactic as well. :’(

 

Overall, the good outweighs the bad, for sure. There were a few minor slip ups technicality wise, and I want to see your meter improve in the following rounds but, as is, this reads like a charming little love letter to “Hourglass”.

 

FAVORITE COUPLET: “But I dream of you in darkened hours / I lay you down among the flowers”

 

Lemur, “untitled”

 

Name yoursongs bitch, tf. You also didn’t name which song you were doing, but I mean, it was pretty evident by the second stanza. Instead of trying to recreate A Higher Power, this feels more like a different side of the same coin. Like you were viewing the same song from a different angle, and I think that was an interesting albeit pretty risky way of tackling this challenge. But, for the most part, I think it paid off. It doesn’t exactly sail above and beyond, but it hits the mark.

 

There was a very blunt, matter-of-fact tone throughout this whole piece, and I think in general that’s necessary for songs of this nature. If you’re going to go political, then you have to take a stance. You have to shock your audience out of complacency, and you don’t get that by being broad and uninspired. While a lot of faux-political songs suffer from this, I don’t think that’s the issue here. In fact, just the opposite. At times, it became a bit too on the nose for my liking. The entire third stanza was where this was the most apparent to me, and while the third to last stanza is especially melodramatic, it works there for some reason, perhaps because of the emotional draw, or maybe because it’s just stated more eloquently, if only just slightly. The “felt shame” lyric in the refrain also felt like a bit of an odd word choice, but I digress.

 

Overall, for the most part, you achieved what you set out to do, and the end result is an interesting take on a somewhat overdone concept.

 

FAVORITE COUPLET: “I live in a world of separation, blackened lies and tax evasion / I live in a world of sudden death / Ending it all when there’s nothing left”

 

UFO, “Black Sun”

 

Let me start off by saying that the structure is...weird? I don’t know, there’s not really any structure to it, really. But in a round like this, and especially in the first round, and especially when Ratson told you like a day later that you didn’t need a full song, I don’t think that criticism holds too much merit. It felt like you wrote this, and then he said that, so you deleted some parts, rearranged it, and made it work. I don’t know if that’s true, but I do think I would have liked to see an expanded version of this. I couldn’t really tell if it felt unfinished, or if it was just well written enough that I wanted to hear more, but I wish this was a regular round.

 

That said, what you do have is quite good. Your use imagery is nice, consistent and appropriate in the way that sort of mirrors the original. And though this is one of the few similarities I found to NSOTH throughout the song, conceptually they are one and the same. What really differentiates this from NSOTH is just how eloquently it’s written - in a way, it’s a step up from even NSOTH (though that was one of the lowest scoring #1s of all time ki, Hourglass won). It’s very poetic, and I think that this kind of imagery complements that writing style pretty flawlessly. (Ask @Moonchild  ). Still, there were some parts I have to bring up. Your obligatory regression into water imagery comes off as especially dull since there was little to none of it in the original. If there was, I might’ve excused it. This is most apparent in the “You called me crazy” line, because I feel like there was a word missing? Even so, the line needed reworking and the water imagery didn’t have much business here. The chorus was also awkwardly long in relation to the rest of the song, which is not something typical of choruses.

 

I know I had a lot to say about it, but it’s because it was one of my favorites. I hope maybe someday you revise this and make it into a full song, because right now, while a fine entry on its own, has some serious unlocked potential.

 

FAVORITE COUPLET: “I start dimming as evening dies, night hides me from you / In her shadow, I’m shining but you haven’t a clue”

 

KatycatPH, “Out of My Mind”

 

Okay, that chorus was a bit of a slay, I cannot tell a lie. It’s a shame it wasn’t repeated more and comes at the end of the song (odd choice by the way, but this is only half a song so don’t worry too much about it). I imagined it with a Tit-like melody (pre-Witness of course), and it really was serving fun, light-hearted relatable bop.

 

Unfortunately, that’s about where it stops. I could not for the life of me figure out what song you were trying to emulate, and that’s not helped at all the fact you didn’t even specify which one you did. Usually with rounds like this, the judges will ask themselves: “Would I be able to tell what song this was based on without you specifying which one it was?” and if the answer isn’t a definitive yes, then you could be docked for it. The criteria is way less for competitive for this round, but still, whatever inspiration you have is VERY loose. The first verse was very...surface level, but I don’t think I would call it bad by any means. There was a bit of personal details in there that at least gave those lines some personality. Still, the spoken parts were extra + the prechorus was completely expository.

 

Overall, I think you have technical songwriting down to a tee, as there were no huge issues with meter, rhyme or structure. There were also bits of personal flare throughout but it’s still a pretty basic breakup song. If you’re going to do a concept like that, you need to make it stand out, or you’ll get lost in the crowd. I want to see you experiment with new concepts in the future.

 

FAVORITE COUPLET: “Now I’m free and soon I’ll be fine / I’ll get over you, maybe just not tonight”

 

Hug, “Ms. Andry”

 

Okay, wig. Hug her Rated R era has finally arrived. Does that mean LOUD is next? Double wig. Overall, this kind of felt like a sequel to Scarlet Bitch rather than a reimagining of it, and I don’t really know how I feel about that. In a way, I think it’s good because you definitely nailed the premise of the challenge, but in a way it felt like you took a few too many noted from Matty, and I wish this had a bit more Hugamari to it.

 

The structure is essentially just a scaled down version of the original, but it keeps Scarlet Bitch’s nice natural cadence as well, so can I really blame you for that? You also directly mention the song more than once, and like with Uvie, it’s sort of cute, but also kinda cheapens the experience. The first time I actually read it as “Femme fatale, scarlet lips / Now blow a kiss, scarlet bitch” and I low key like it better like that??? But that’s a nitpick, I know. And you know when I go nitpicking that means there’s not a lot to pick apart. One more thing, what’s that title? I feel like I’m missing something

 

And that’s especially true here. The song is short and sweet, and unapologetically poignant. You did exactly what you were supposed to do with the challenge, but in the process kind of lost what makes your point of view so unique. I want to see more of you in the following weeks, even if you’re not convinced that you have talent!

 

FAVORITE COUPLET: “I’m a killer, I’m a villain; but I’m never a pawn / Always silent in the moonlight, then I leave by dawn”

 

skwonderfactory, “Midnight Sun”

 

Conceptually I think this is pretty interesting, though I’m not sure I really know what the central metaphor means/is alluding to. And that seems to be the general issue here, it’s quite...muddled. You spend a lot of time building up this narrative in the first few verses (are they really separate verses if there’s no chorus in between? Idk tbh), and then it culminates in the chorus, but it just kinda collapses after that? I know everyone falls back in love with someone or whatever even when they have told themselves they wouldn’t, but there’s kinda too much build up and not enough payoff.

 

The rhyme and meter is also very erratic throughout, so that makes this read more like free verse rather than lyrics. And there were some lines that just...didn’t work. Mainly towards the latter end of the song, and tbh I wouldn’t mind it if the bridge was gone completely. It adds almost nothing narrative was and isn’t compelling enough to justify it being there, in a round where you were supposed to be short and sweet.

 

Overall, this actually has a different issue than most other entries - just the opposite, actually. It needed to be trimmed down, because there was just too much going on. Still, the only reason these shortcomings exist is because you attempted to do a lot with this song, and that ambition can only be admired.

 

Favorite Couplet: “Ending up back to the horizon I followed / That’s not where I want to be tomorrow.”

 

Gastrodonatella, “Dear the One I Miss”

 

Another song with no title. Ok work.

 

So this obviously a very emotionally charged piece, and as a follow up to “To”, that makes a lot of sense. And because we’ve been through similar things (well, I don’t really know what happened so I don’t wanna assume, but I think we both lost our mothers at young ages, yes?), this especially struck a chord. And I appreciate the sentiment behind it as well, it’s actually quite heart wrenching how bittersweet the narrative is. Mostly bitter, though. I kind of hate the “Mommy” in the chorus, though. It would be somehow better if it was “Mama”, but that’s a nitpick and largely a personal preference, I think.

 

What I fear is what happened to me might also happen to you. I don’t want you to become conceptually one-note, because it can be a difficult rut to get out of. At least for me, writing about her was a therapeutic way to deal with something I otherwise didn’t know how to deal with. I’m still not sure I know how to deal with it, but I do know that just writing it on paper for myself helped a lot. So in a way, taking your loss and pain and turning it into something beautiful that can make other people happy can only be seen as a good and healthy thing in my eyes, but unfortunately I don’t think everyone shares that same opinion. Right now, I don’t think it’s too large of an issue, but I want to see you pursuing other topics as well.

 

Overall, in terms of what’s actually wrong with the song, there isn’t much. I can’t poke any major holes in it per se. You’ve always been a proficient writer, but you need to step out of your box occasionally or the walls will turn to cement.

 

Favorite Couplet: “Those nights when you spent lying in your bed alone and crying / I hope to God that you forgive me, too”

 

keshaspearsxo, “Little Rose”

 

Okay, I teared up a bit at just the title. I have a hunch…. Okay now let me actually read it.

 

Okay, the use of commas needs to go. It was necessary in some parts but caused awkward pauses at other times. I know that’s just how some people write, but I want you to get out of the habit of that. I know you love perfect rhymes as well and it does complement the impeccable flow (that is, without the commas), but it times they were just a little to elementary. (see “I think” end rhyme”). That longer section of the bridge also felt a bit tacked on, through I do appreciate the sentiment and how it provides meaningful closure to the narrative.

 

I know I’ve only said negative stuff so far, but I don’t want you to  be discouraged. These were largely just minor technical issues that might have just arisen since you haven’t written regularly (at least in PH) for awhile. And for what this piece lacks, it more than makes up for in emotional brevity and succinct, clean imagery.

Overall, there were some very minor bumps, but your writing maintains an uncommon resilience even after years on hiatus, and for that I can only applaud you.

 

Favorite Couplet: “I saw a rose, once in a dream / But once I awoke, I’d lost you, it seems”

 

OreGuy, “Running Out of Time”

 

Okay, a lot of things about this piece are alllllll over the place, but it actually flows kind of well??? Like I was kinda bopping throughout. And while the inspiration from Hourglass is pretty loose, this is actually an interesting way to go about it. I admire that. It wasn’t melancholic like the original was at all, and it wasn’t really the opposite either. It’s somewhere in the middle.

 

That said, the immagery is ALL over the place, like I stated earlier. Like, there’s absolutely no consistency to it, but maybe that’s the point? I feel like I’m just reading too far into this but I feel like the very, very erratic imagery might have been meant to be display a sense of urgency to go along with the theme of “running out of time”. That’s still a reach though, and it doesn’t excuse the nonexistent rhyme scheme. There’s also a LOT o frepetition.

 

Overall, I think you are a very misunderstood writer, and I actually think your concepts are very ARTPOP most of the time. I live for them actually, but they’re rarely executed to the fullest extent. I think if you had moor peer reviews, you could do a lot better than you usually do, because there’s a lot of hidden potential. I believe in you sis :’(

 

Favorite Couplet: “Won’t you just go and flip that dime / Won’t you stand and say you’re mine?”

 

EJQL8, “Servant of the Lord”

 

Okay, the whole sexual religious theme is pretty played out, but I don’t think it’s executed awfully here. Not flawlessly mind you, but it’s not exactly the easiest concept to **** up. There’s nothing groundbreaking here, nothing we haven’t seen before, but I don’t think that’s always a bad thing.

 

Where you do fall short is, well, for one the rhyme scheme. Not every line has to rhyme, and though it can  sound nice if you pull it off, most of the lines will just come off as forced and nullify any kind of merit that line might of had. It’s important to experiment with different rhyme schemes, and AAAA is certainly not one you should start off with. Also, um, what song is this supposed to be inspired by? If there is any, it’s pretty shaky to the point that I question its existence.

 

Overall, I appreciate what you were trying to do, even if it wasn’t the most groundbreaking thing ever, it was still a cute slut bop. However you need to drop that rhyme scheme immediately and try experimenting with different structures in the future.

Nait Phoenix, “untitled”

 

Okay, so there’s...not a lot here.The lines are incredibly short and don’t really pack the punch to make up for it, individually. But when you combine some of them to form a more normal structure (like I did with my favorite couplet at the bottom of this review), it actually reads significantly better. I know the original had very short lines as well (Jackson used to do that a lot I think), and while that was a cute, somewhat easily missed allusion to the original, they were a bit… too short. The awkward pauses the line breaks forms really took away from what impact they could’ve had, though I’m sure if I heard them in a song with melodies and instrumentals, it would make more sense. It’s just not as practical on paper.  It did leave me wanting to hear more from you, which I think is mostly a good thing, but it also left me slightly unfulfilled.

 

That said, what you do have content-wise is quite good. It’s not exactly much of  a departure from the original, but it doesn’t have to be. However, you’re usually pretty conceptually vivid from what I’ve seemed and this seemed...toned down for your writing. Similar to Hug’s song, you did good at emulating your song/artist, but at the same time lost yourself in the process. As well as other contestants, I think I would’ve also appreciated an expanded version of this, because while there is a lot to love about this piece, there could have been more. This was of course one of the requirements of the challenge (the length), so I won’t be docking you because it’s short. It’s a real challenge to have a really compelling and complete narrative in less than 250 words, but this was a lot shorter than the other entries, for better or worse.

 

Overall, I think you did a good job and emulating Siren Song. It sometimes felt like a cover, but never quite lost that “Nait Phoenix” flare. It suffers from a lot of the same problems that a lot of people struggled with this week, but I know what you’re capable of. Give me more next week. More words, more lines, More Nait.

 

Favorite Couplet: “Waves come and go yet always remain / I see the patterns forming, closer and closer, they’re always the same”

 

Speezy, “Shadows Can’t Come”

 

That title GORL. Well, I think this suffers from what some of your entries have suffered from in the past - and that’s just a lack of polish. It felt a little undone, unedited, and with a few very minor changes it could have been greatly elevated. Still, what you do have conceptually is actually really quite interesting??? Like who thought a song about shadows ****ing would work on any level? It doesn’t seem like something I’d like, but strangely, it kinda works. It’s a pretty messy concept but the execution is pretty spot on, albeit with a few grammatical errors.

 

I didn’t really pick up on Drowned in Neon until you brought it up at the end, so the inspiration is admittedly somewhat shaky - but I think the fact that you dared to go ahead with this concept is pretty admirable. It was a risk, but I think for the most part it actually paid off, so props. I’m trying to pinpoint what lines specifically I want you to work on, but I feel like a lot of them just need very minor changes so going over all of them would seem...extra? I don’t know, PM me if you want a more indepth review on what I mean. But I know there are a lot of people who would be willing to read your songs and help you out as well.

 

Overall, you’ve shown GREAT growth from when we first competed together (in like S8 I think), and your ambition is really inspiring. The tenacity Keep it up, your hard work is paying off, at least for me, but it still needs some polishing.

 

Favorite Couplet: “There are more details that they can’t recreate / It’s just some things that silhouettes can’t imitate”

 

Glassmouth, “Angel”

 

Okay, y’all are trying it with these ARTPOP structures I know it wasn’t a full song, but that doesnt mean all structure and meter and rhyme scheme go out the window. (Not saying this necessarily applies to you though, not all those three things anyway!) Your rhyme scheme was definitely questionable, though. There were for some very loose rhymes but for the most part, it didn’t really rhyme at all, apart from when you rhyme me with me in the chorus (bitch). Contrary to popular opinion not all good or well-written songs have to rhyme - this was even a challenge last season - but it does help your reader form a more logical cadence in their head, and if you’re going for a structure like this, rhyming is almost vital, otherwise it comes off as extremely choppy.

 

In spite of these shortcomings mechanically though, this was definitely the more compelling entries conceptually. Though I don’t know how high that bar is since people and especially newcomers tend to play it safe in Round 1, I still think this was a very ambitious choice of subject matter. And it’s not handled in the most perfect manner mind you, but I think it about hits the mark. The inspiration for Drowned in Neon is pretty loose if we’re being honest, and that was fine, but that “neon” line you slipped in there made it feel a bit too shoehorned.

 

This is the first song I’ve read from you, but you seem to be a concept writer, and I love that. I hope to see even more provocative concepts from you in the future, but what you need to do most is refine your writing mechanically so you can effectively and succinctly portray these narratives in a way your audience can understand and enjoy.

 

Favorite Couplet: “Psychopathic being, ride the illusion with me / Or I’ll find somebody with a black heart like me”

 

FCKNAmbrosia, “Only Afflicted Time Escapes From The Quicksand of Oblivion”

 

Okay bitch, was this planned out so if you looked at the text it would like an hourglass made of words? WIG if that’s true, because it low key does (with a few tumors here and there n). Okay now onto the song. That entire first hook needs to go tbh, or at least the latter half. I don’t know what it is, but it feels like a mix of cliche and forced that (most of) the rest of the song just doesn’t have, so it sticks out even more. On the topic, that black slime line was one hell of a reach.

 

Apart from that though, I’m not sure I can poke many holes in this. The lines are poetic, concise, and have a nice length unlike many songs this week, It’s not the biggest departure from the original - there’s a few cute allusions here and there, but again, I think this is just something that can be attributed to using the time motif. Though it did feel a tiny bit soulless at times. What I mean by that is that sometimes it felt like you were putting lines in just because they sounded pretty or went along with the time motif, rather than because they added to the narrative. It has a very similar tone to the original though, which (in my opinion) was just as if not more soulless.

 

Overall, I think you’re starting starting off Season 11 strong, coming off several successes in the previous (half) season. You have a very specific writing style, and it can be extra at times, but most of its shortcomings can be attributed to the fact that you attempt to more with your songs than the average player. And though you might not always achieve everything you set out to accomplish with one song, the fact that you dare to make us question things like this is what makes you such a compelling and unique writer.

 

Favorite Couplet: “Then you turned back and disappeared into the Sun / Beginning a new life, as mine came undone”

 

Aurora, “Aftertaste”

 

Oh wow. Why would you do this to my wig? I know this is going to be a shorter review, but that’s just cause, well… you were #1, by a large margin. I gave you a 9.5 since at the time Ratson didn’t allow decimals in intervals other than .5 I would’ve given probably a 9.8, though. It was nearly perfect but I did have a few very minor qualms, such as the random AABC rhyme scheme in the first stanza when the rest is written in flawless AABB. This didn’t impact my enjoyment of the song too much at all, but it did take me out of the experience a biT. Other than that it’s hard to poke any holes in a song like this. You know how you did, so I don’t feel I need to sum it up for you, but good job.

 

Favorite Couplet: “I’d rather lose you now before I’m lost for someone else / I’d rather hear your heartbreak than an echo of myself”

 

MattyTacos, “untitled”

 

Okay, so not exactly the most ambitious subject matter, but I find that to be typical of you; and for the record, I don’t think that’s a bad thing. When looking at the narrative of a song I don’t really check for the scope of the story, but whether or not it’s told well. And if the story is told well enough, you can make even the most tired of concepts shine. But if you don’t have either, it can became a little too vague to have any kind of lasting kind of impact on the reader, and that’s where I think this song suffers the most.

 

There’s also some technical issues, for example I don’t think you pulled off either of those “lucid” rhymes extremely well. There’s a few other questionable rhymes that seem a bit rushed for a writer of your credentials, but I’ll let them slide. The added ending on the final chorus also feels pretty clunky and expositional, although I do like that it gives us some kind of closure. There were sparks of the emotional draw that Erased (orignal) had, and this is where this track succeeds the most for me. Also, the fave couplet I listed at the bottom was probably one of my faves this round  Overall, I think there were sparks of MattyTacos in this, but it seemed a bit rushed and clustered.

 

Favorite Couplet: “That’s a common mistake when chasing love / If you run too fast, you won’t get far enough”

 

Funnellegs, “Constellation”

 

Can’t go wrong with space imagery, right? It’s not exactly the easiest thing to **** up so I won’t commend you for that, but I do love how the metaphor didn’t take precedent over the rest of the songs, and what metaphors  you did have were quite good, particularly the one i noted in my favorite couplet at the bottom. Astral imagery is slowly becoming a PH cliche, and while I definitely won’t dock you for writing about something you could possibly have no knowledge of, in a round where you know a good chunk of people are going to do something similar to you, you have to find a way to stand out, or the judges might subconsciously give someone a much higher score because they prefer their writing style over yours. It makes this a game of chance rather than skill. If you make your narrative unique though, and maybe give it a twist in a way someone else probably wouldn’t - the playing field is even again.

 

But like I said in Matty’s review, I’m not necessarily judging the scope of your story - ie, what it’s about on a surface level, but whether or not the story is told well. And here, it most certainly is - it’s just kind of a predictable way to go for something like this. But that’s not necessarily a bad thing, so keep that in mind. I had some minor things to say about word choice - maybe it was just to force a few rhymes but “if you could be so kind” kind of ruined the tone for me, it sounded a bit too...formal? There’s also sometimes a very jarring shift between literal and metaphorical, I think this was most apparent in the bridge. Like I said, this didn’t impact my enjoyment too much, but it did pull me out of the experience a bit.

 

Still, this was one of my favorites and a strong start for you. You certainly had astronomical ( ) shoes to fill going up against Stardust of all things, and I think you should be proud from the result, but also learn from it.

 

Favorite Couplet: “This moment can’t just be a star in the galaxy that is my life / Come paint a constellation, let the two of us align”

 

Legend E, “Hourglass”

 

Okay, just by looking at it and not even really reading it I can tell what the issue is gonna be - the structure is pretty erratic to say the least. The long ass lines at the end of each stanza might work with a melody or something, but as is they read as incredibly unlyrical. Your rhyme scheme is also very sketchy but in a round like this I’m willing to forgive that.

 

I don’t want you to be discouraged, though, since most of its flaws are on a technical level. This is conceptually pretty masterful, and definitely a step up from the original. The story is good, and it’s actually told well despite technical setbacks, which is quite the feat for a newcomer, and I personally think you have a lot of potential once you work out the technical kinks. What I think would work best for you is to find a lyrical style that works for you, a rhyme scheme that works for you, and then see what happens. I think the results will surprise you.

 

Favorite Couplet: “She saw the hourglass and there the bird went / Added little stones so the lovers had some more hours left”

 

CountryBritney, "August"

 

Oh wow, a legend returns. This is actually the first sawng I’ve read from you I think! Shook. And it’s a sex bop nonetheless. Double shook. For a sex bop it definitely takes awhile to get going though, I wasn’t even sure it was a sex song until the second verse. So in that sense it makes sense as a follow up to Scarlet Bitch. I like that. I also LOVED Verse 2 as a whole, the flow was impeccable and moved the story along logically and swiftly. The hourglass reference in the bridge though stan a bit sister

 

If I had to describe the song in one word it would be...concise. Everything is to the point, and I can’t really poke any other holes in it other than what I already have, which is little to say the least, so that should be telling of how I scored you. I hope to see you slay another season, only this time you won’t be the underdog! Watch out sis.

 

Oxygen, “Deep”

 

Okay so this was...pretty literal. There wasn’t much else to it other than what was going on on a surface level, but in a tournament where so many try to assign meaning to things that just don’t - this literal approach deviated from the norm in a way that was actually kind of...refreshing? The story itself isn’t very refreshing, it’s kind of boring actually, but I appreciate the ARTPOP approach you took with this. It was a risk, and maybe it didn’t fully pay off for you, but it was still nice to see something different.

 

Water imagery must’ve been the nail in the coffin. It’s not exactly taboo, you can still do it and pull it off quite well, but i don’t think it was the best choice to supplement this kind of approach. For the record though I don’t think you deserved that score, and I gave you a higher score than your average. I hope you try for the comeback round, because I appreciate everything this brought to the table, despite your elimination.

 

Favorite Couplet: “Swallowing mouthfuls of water, I’m in too deep / High tides surrendering me, I’m just too weak”

 

Mxtthewdelrey, “A Little Hope”

 

Okay so some of these rhymes felt a little elementary I guess, but never lost their mxtt charm. There’s an obligatory mxtt odd couplet - for me, it was the soap one. Sure most people smell like soap I guess, but it’s a weird thing to state. It still feels for the most part could be a PC song, which adds to its personality for me. I also love the personal details that add virtually nothing to the narrative - I don’t know why they’re significant, but it shows that it’s personal to you, which I appreciate.

 

The narrative is nice, albeit nothing groundbreaking, but nice, mainly cause I feel like it’s something happening in your life right now, so it has emotional draw. In a way all songs have that feeling but you can never really tell unless there are details like these. You’re a very unique writer, but you also know your limitations, which is what sets you apart from the average players, as well as your unique voice in writing. It’s really quite admirable how unapologetic you are, and I hope to see more of that this season.

 

ICEY, “Meet You In Space”

 

Okay, that title triggers me. Idk why it just sounds so...broad? Idk Though, I don’t hate the line it’s used in, it’s actually quite nice. The chorus for the most part was really strong, albeit a tad predictable. You can’t really go wrong with astral imagery, but the metaphors used for them are pretty predictable at this point. I’d like to see an astral song about something other than love, maybe.

 

But that’s not my qualm with you, since the task was essentially to recreate these songs, and Stardust is just that (except it’s about a one night stand, but you get what I mean). So it wouldn’t make sense for me to dock you for that. There were some curious word choices though, particularly “silly” in the prechorus - this sort of destroyed the tone. It seemed a little bit rushed or sloppy in places, but the ideas were there, maybe just not fully polished. That’s something I’d like you to work on in the future.

 

Overall, this was a great attempt at recreating Stardust. It might not have the ambience of the original, but it makes up for it in its own unique ways.

 

Covergirl, “Drowned in Neon”

 

I actually kind of really like this so pardon me for not saying a lot about it. The narrative is cute, again nothing groundbreaking but the point is that it’s told well. My main issue is that it was a tad too story driven for me. I love storytelling songs, but there comes a point when cramming every piece of info you can in is too much. I wish we would have gotten to see more of the narrator’s internal conflicts other than simply what is happening around him. There were flashes of this, sure, but I wish it was slightly more fleshed out.

 

Still, you continuously prove your growth as a writer and as someone who has experienced that in the past, I say keep at it.

 

Tsareena, “Cherry Liquor”

 

Okay, I actually like this. It’s a bit too similar to the original, I think, it doesn’t really deviate from it all in terms of theme, but I also think in a week like this that’s fine. I really admire how your lyrics never stray away from that theme as well, it makes the song feel very cohesive, and consistent imagery is something a lot of people have issues with. We can all use imagery - it’s not hard - but making it consistent and effective is what takes the skill. And from the few songs I’ve read from you, I think you have that down pretty well. That’s a great asset to have, as it can take years to learn (or seasons maybe. Trust me, this was one of my biggest flaws in S10).

 

So the issue isn’t there. I think it’s moreso with the narrative going on. I’ve said this in a lot of interviews, but i’m not going to be judging your entries narrative’s based on whether or not the story is good, because it could be entirely derived from the original. I will be judging on whether or not its told well though. This piece is told almost the same as the original, which doesn’t really end up going anywhere. I feel like your biggest mistake here was picking Scarlet Bitch. It’s not a bad song by any means, but maybe not the best for your immersive writing style.

 

Overall, I know this week was kind of rough for you, but I don’t want you to be  discouraged. You have a very vivid and immersive writing style and that’s something that cannot be undervaued in a competition like this.

 

 

PokiTaurus, “Magic Man”

 

Okay, there aren’t many...glaring flaws with this. So as a first time contestant, that’s always a good start. There’s definitely some small areas that need improvement, and there’s definitely some rough patches in terms of individual lines, but as a whole I don’t find the final product awful. . “You’ll never feel sour” has got to be one of the most forced rhymes I’ve ever seen You might not know what those are or why they don’t work though, so let’s talk about them.

 

Forced rhymes add nothing to the narrative you’re trying to propose and are simply there to, well, force a rhyme. If a line has a word that seems like it was placed there just because it rhymes, it’s probably a forced rhyme. Let’s take Summer Bummer for example. Not many things rhyme with summer, so you have really limited options if you want to rhyme something with it. Summer Bummer as a title just sounds comedic, and that was not its intended effect. Instead of summer, you could maybe use June or July, since it would still be summer, and much easier to rhyme with.

 

Aside from that though, you seem to have some natural skill for writing. It needs some refinement, sure. It’s going to take practice. But I see a lot of potential.

 

 

Mezik, “Glow”

 

Um, why wasn’t this top 10? (Or maybe it was, idk at this point ). My point is I think this was pretty underrated compared to what the other girls scored you. That said, the song is pretty basic conceptually and mechanically. There’s not a lot to make it stand out at all, and that’s where I take issue with it - it’s very middle of the road, at least conceptually. As a whole though, I think this was one of the stronger entries.

 

Forgive me for writing a short review, but I want to more focus on you as a writer. This is the first song from you I’ve read, and you seem to be a competent writer, as far as I can tell. The issues aren’t with refinement but maybe moreso subject matter. In the future I want you to try more ambitious concepts, or maybe just a new take on a tired concept. This is because my biggest fear for you is that you will mold into the crowd of contestants. Your writing is good, and I want it to stand out, but you have to meet me halfway.

 

SaintWest, “Train”

 

Ok wow at this being even shorter than Aurora’s. Talent? Perhaps. I gave this a really high score but I actually did find it kind of boring? Like, it’s just someone narrating all the things passing them by as they look out the window? On paper, that sounds so dull but here, it works for the most part, thanks mainly to the masterful writing.

 

Sorry this isn’t longer, but there aint much to pick apart. Your writing is strong as ever, but the concept didn’t entirely hit home for me. And that’s okay. It’s not going to every week.

 

 

 

 

round two

 

  Reveal hidden contents

Mezik, “Restart”

 

Okay, so um...the inspiration here was pretty loose. I know that was a stipulation last round, but in future rounds, I should be able to know what you’re writing about without having to read an explanation, you know? Like let’s take the pokemon challenge for example - I should be able to know what type you did just by reading the song, and I shouldn’t have to ask you for it. I’ll give you a pass here, though, since not everyone is going to know every myth by heart. However, I still wish the connection was a little more developed. It felt a tad bit shoehorned in.

 

Still, I do like what you have in terms of actual content. It’s again nothing groundbreaking conceptually, which in this round is a bit of a hindrance, since many people will surely be going all out with their concepts. But it was still cute and charming, and I like that. I still want to see you step out of your box in the following weeks, though. Love songs won’t work forever.

 

Favorite Couplet: “Now I heard you’ve stayed back in that mining town we called home / I bet you’re still down by the river, wondering why I became so cold”

 

Ultraviolence.xx, “Numbered Days”

 

Okay, so there were definitely some strokes of genius in this. You have a lot of potential, my dear. In terms of writing style, I think this is pretty similar to your first entry - which i wasn’t the biggest fan of, but I think it works in this context a lot better. It feels Shakespearean almost??? Still, there were still a few word choices the good sis Shakespeare definitely wouldn’t have used, and that did take me out of the experience a bit. With a few of these lines changed, I might’ve given it a 10 tbh. It was also a tad melodramatic, but if it’s supposed to be sort of Shakespearean, then that makes total sense. Some lines were just too much though, mainly “seize” and “corpse” lines (these are the word choices i was talking about as well, for the most part). Still, I really enjoyed this. Thank you for euthanizing my wig.

 

Favorite Couplet: “My sweet Eurydice, your hair the shade of autumn’s leaves / And luscious as the grass  that grows between the towering trees”

 

 

Hug, “Tu’er Shen”

 

Okay, I was not feeling this until I got to like, the bridge. Conceptually I think it’s really cute. I mean songs about being gay are definitely cliche, but I think this was a very interesting take on it. I know the first two verses/chorus were necessary for the song to make sense in accordance to the myth, but I don’t know, the narrative felt like it was moving very slowly at that point.

 

It quickly picks up towards the end of the song though, and in my opinion that makes the rest of the song worth it, honestly. I feel like everything you needed to say with that song was within those two sections of the song, so in a way it feels over-centralized, and the other parts of the song just feel sort of expository, even if they were necessary for the song to make sense in the long run. Still, the absolute punch of those lines made the whole journey worth it.

 

Favorite Couplet: “Though my heart no longer beats, the love I felt still stands / For every man who just like me, found love in another man”

 

Minho, “Cat’s Waltz”

 

Okay, wow. ARTPOP. The concept, the rhyme scheme, the execution. It’s serving Vulnicura (member) a bit, but perhaps a bit more lyrical than songs I’ve read from him. You really stuck to the concept throughout the whole song, to the point that each half of the song are sort of mirrors of each other, and I think that complemented your theme perfectly. It was a weird choice for a mythology round, (well, a weird choice in general) but I think you pulled it off exceptionally. I guess my only major issues are with the rhyme scheme, and that’s not something that’s definitively “wrong”. AABC always just reads as kind of unlyrical to me, so I usually take issue with it, unless it’s done super well. But I also don’t really like when people use AABB or ABAB every week, so props for doing something different. It really made your entry stand out from the others for me.

 

Favorite Couplet: “On a cherry wood branch, dressed in my finest white / I stare square at the moon, as the two of us stride”

 

keshaspearsxo, “The Owl”

 

https://media.tenor.com/images/c1a9bb1948718a2f928fe34e24d45b0c/tenor.gif

 

No, but seriously, I do like that quote. A slay. I don’t have much to say about this I guess, it’s pretty short and to the point. At times it did feel a bit too...formal? Like, I wish some of the word choices were a biT more colloquial. Still, I think maybe you went for this kind of tone because of the subject matter, and if that’s the case, then bravo,  But it did rub me the wrong way a couple of times when I first read through it. Still, this was a concept I did not expect to see in this round and I surprisingly enjoyed it much more than I thought I would have.

 

Favorite Couplet: “For the Owl of Minerva only takes its flight / Unnoticed in the gathering shades of night”

 

Glassmouth, “Unicorn Blood”

 

“I intended for this song to be cheesy” Good, cause it was. Not necessarily a bad thing, but it was a bit too campy at times for my liking. Your rhyme scheme is once again nonexistent, and I’m not sure how I feel about that. It certainly doesn’t help the cadence of this piece, which is quite erratic might I add. Conceptually it’s alright, I figured it was about something homo cause of the unicorn title, but it didn’t really come full circle til i read your explanation. It’s essentially a rehash of two common PH tropes - homosexuality and death, and I don’t know that it expands on either of them enough to warrant their inclusion.

 

I know I’ve said a lot of negative things, but I didn’t hate this. It was quite cute acually, and with some refinement, it could’ve been really original and interesting. In the future, I’d like to see how your songs work with a definitive rhyme scheme. You have a unique voice (in writing), and I think this could complement it well, as it does with most writers of poetry and lyrics and such, so it’s something you really need to hammer down in the next few rounds if you wanna make it to the finale.

 

Favorite Couplet: “It might be enough to know that our blood / Will be on the rocks painting rainbows”

 

SaintWest, “Olympia”

 

Okay, wig. I can’t say much about this. The meter in the verses is pretty messy as opposed to the flawlessness of the chorus, and the fire imagery was maybe a tad cliche, but it was done well and not oversaturated. This was a huge improvement over your song last week for me, and I really liked  that one as well. Keep your feet on these girls necks.

 

Favorite Couplet: “A promise land is out there that’s consistent with its views / Won’t have to flee to deities to finally erase you”

 

Nait Phoenix, “Gemini”

 

Okay, this was a cute concept for a love song actually. (Wait, aren’t Gemini twins? The incest). I’m kidding of course, but I did really like this. It could’ve been handled slightly better though - the chorus for example is pretty lackluster compared to the rest of the song, which is the opposite of what you want. Also, I really hate that “missing piece” line but the “missing peace” one was kinda wig??? Overall, this is very concise and consistent. Everything feels tied together and complete, and yet somehow empty. I think it’s the chorus, which was just a tad underwhelming.

 

Favorite Couplet: “I ask to dry your every tear / The darkness that you hold, I’ll make it disappear”

 

OreGuy, “Bal Bal”

 

Okay wow, props for actually following the theme. I mean I know we said in the challenge post that it could be anything mythology related, but that was sort of the basic route. This was the riskier route, so I admire you for picking something like this! It’s pretty obscure, but reading through your source it’s actually quite interesting. Reading through it at first without reading your source material I thought the tone was really...weird. Like it had a creepy vibe to it. But I think that tone really works after reading through that.

 

As for the rest, I don’t know that you pulled it off perfectly, and there were some missteps here and there. Some lines were just awkward or out of place, and some just felt like the wrong word choices.  I don’t think English is your first language (if it is I’m sorry lol), and the fact that you can write at all in another language, let alone LYRICS is impressive in and of itself. I’ve taken five years of Spanish and I know damn well I would not be able to write a song in Spanish If that is the case, then i think the language barrier is your biggest hindrance. My biggest suggestion would be to send your song to as many contestants as you can before you submit, and they can help you catch things like this. I know that can be intimidating as well - I feel weird asking people to read my songs, but you’d be surprised. Many people in this competition are willing to help.

 

Still, your ambition and tenacity this week (and every week) was and will continue to be inspiring. Keep at it.

 

MattyTacos, “Dreamspell”

 

Okay, I actually really liked that chorus. You did that honey. It sort of just sounds like pretty words with not a whole lot of substance, but it was a satisfying chorus nonetheless. The rest of the song was kind of...all over the place? To me it seems like you had a lot of ideas for this entry and sort of just meshed them all into one. The imagery goes from one place to another very quickly, and that was kind of jarring. The imagery was pretty consistent in the chorus, and I think that’s what makes it stand out the most. The verses also feel really sloppy in terms of meter and such, which again just makes the chorus look more like the only part of the song that matters. The chorus is arguably the most important part, but it shouldn’t be the only focus. In the furure I want you to have some more concise concepts - have a good idea of what you want to do before you start writing, and it kinda fixes the consistent imagery problem by virtue. Two birds one stone.

 

Tsareena, “El Chupacabra”

 

Oh wow. Another person that actually went for cryptids! Iconic. And this was another risky one as well. This was good, though it did feel like it went for a bit longer than it should have, even if the lines were relatively short - some of them felt too similar to other lines to warrant their existence. Your imagery was very consistent, that’s for sure, and you never wavered from the concept you set out to create, and that was quite impeccable. Your rhyme scheme was again pretty much non existent, but again that’s not always a bad thing. Not all songs have to rhyme. The interesting structure and the “mother” refrain kind of makes up for this, but it still felt a tad unlyrical at times. Besides the chorus (which felt more like a hook to me, but I digress), that sounded very lyrical for some reason. Maybe it’s my inner Gaga stan. Ma ma pa pa perfect illusion teas.

 

In terms of actual content, I think this was about sexuality, maybe? Or it could’ve been a racial commentary, but I don’t know. It definitely could’ve been both, and I think the Chupacabra was a very unique way to portray that. It doesn’t make perfect sense if that is the context you intended, but it’s still a very interesting take on a very tired concept.

 

Funnellegs, “Without a Goodbye”

 

This felt like a typical funnellegs song, in terms of writing style at least,  but a cute one nonetheless. I really like the story you chose to model and I think you portrayed it well. I didn’t really get the context of the first verse at all until I read the explanation, but rereading it now it makes perfect sense. There were still some lines I would have changed though - particularly the “shrink” one, that seemed pretty forced to me. In terms of subject matter this felt like a change of pace for you, and while I’m sure that can  be said about most people this round, I still appreciate your willingness to step outside your box. But I want to see you step out of it even more. Your writing style is very concise but it also feels a bit formulaic at times, and that can get tiring after ten rounds. Maybe try experimenting with new rhyme schemes, or maybe just different, interesting concepts like you did this week.

 

EmojiClothes, “If Looks Could Kill”

 

Okay, I really like your the concept behind your explanation, but unfortunately it didn’t really come through when reading the song, even after reading through it a second time. The inspiration is there, but it’s somewhat loose, and I wish it was slightly more tied down. It also feels like there should be a little more narrative going on - if you planned to give us a backstory, then I wish there was a bit more “story” to it, you know? Instead, it felt like you focused more on conveying the theme of the song, and I think that’s fine, but some character development does get lost in the process. In the future I hope you can find a more cohesive balance between these two, but as is, it’s not a huge issue. I still liked this piece, but with some refinement it could’ve been elevated a lot.

 

Gastrodonatella, “Persephone”

 

http://i.imgur.com/g9f094c.gif

 

Covergirl, “Lady in White”

 

http://i.imgur.com/g9f094c.gif

 

Okay no but I really liked this. The imagery was cute, the story was cute (well, sad, but you get what i mean), and each verse representing a different season was hella cute - though this did make the song pretty long, and it kinda felt like it didn’t need to go on for that long. Maybe some of the repetition could’ve been taken out, idk. My only other qualm would be that the mythology was sort of...loose? Like, I could see the inspiration from the myth you chose to model in your song, but at the same time that wasn’t really a “myth”. I know folklore was included in there as well, but idk, that’s a tiny bit of a reach as well. The point is that it was executed well, and it was.

 

PokiTaurus, “Promise Ring”

 

Okay, so the inspiration here was fairly loose, and it felt pretty shoehorned in. It felt like you wrote a different song and then threw in some mythical imagery in here and there, instead of wanting to go that route from the beginning. The story itself isn’t the greatest but isn’t awful either. I think your biggest issue continues to be the forced rhymes. There’s a lot of them in  this song, almost too many to go over. It seems like you place a lot of importance on rhymes in your songs. Instead, I think you should focus on what you want to say with each of your songs, and have rhyme be a stepping stone that gets you to your end result. Whether this means more ambitious concepts or just more well thought out narratives, I think you could benefit a lot from either.

 

KatyCatPH, “Zephyr’s Song”

 

Okay wow, this was a huge improvement over last week. It’s not the perfect song for this round, but you went from weird novelty pop song to an actually thoughtful piece of work in less than one round, and that alone shows your determination and willingness to learn. I admire that. I admire also how closely you follow the original in terms of narrative, though at times it felt like a retelling of the story, it was still a nice way to read this story with some added character development. It wasn’t the most ambitious choice of myths, just essentially about a jealous homewrecker, but I think you executed it well. Though I wish there was a bit more of you in this, it still has a lot of personality and charm and it shows your determination as a writer.

 

Ufo, “Love in a Lie”

 

OMG, all the  background info. Euphoressay indeed. It was appreciated though, though I felt like I really only needed to know who Narcissus was. He was the only thing integral to the plot, and most other things felt tacked on to add to the imagery. Still, they do add to the tone and overall vibe of this piece, which helps. I do think the repetition throughout was kind of unneeded, as it was something that didn’t really need that much emphasis, but stylistically it was cute. I also think the chorus was a bit too long to leave a lasting punch, but it was still probably the most compelling part of the song. In terms of narrative I guess I wish there was a bit more closure - in a sense, it doesn’t go anywhere. He’s in the same place he was at the beginning of the song, but maybe that’s the point. Maybe that’s his punishment. If so, cute.

 

Speezy, “Break and Swallow Steel”

 

[DISCLAIMER: NO I HAVE NOT TRIED THESE THINGS.] I love you. I’m also screaming at you doing a sex song again, especially on a week like this. Are you gonna do them every week despite what the challenge is? Bitch I’m here for it. It was interesting route to take for, sure. I’m not sure we’ve had many BDSM songs in PH I think I would’ve liked this more on a different week, as the mythology inspiration is very shoehorned in. It’s there, but seems like it was thrown in at the last minute. Chain imagery is also heavily discouraged in PH for some reason, but that’s usually when it’s used in a metaphorical sense. Here it’s literal so I’ll give you a pass.

 

Mxtthewdelrey, “Black Dog”

 

Okay, I was feeling this until we got to the chorus. Things took a turn there, and there is a MAJOR and very abrupt shift in tone. We go from sort of creepy to all out murderous and gorey, and it was extremely jarring. The verses are pretty nice actually, but that chorus brings it down several pegs I’m sorry to say. In the future, I want you to try to be more consistent in this regard - your themes are always out there and you always stick to them conceptually, but your tone should also match them, and it shouldn’t change (at least, not that abruptly) throughout the song. I think sometimes you focus more on the musical aspects rather than lyrical aspects, as in you imagine them as songs rather than just lyrics. That’s an effective way to write, but just remember that we don’t see them in the same way you do, and things can  get lost in translation.

 

Aurora, “Loch Ness”

 

Wow, the way you are pressuring these girls even with a rushed song. You did that bitch. Again there’s not many holes I can poke in this so I apologize for another shorter review. The bridge felt a little expository to me, in the sense that it didn’t add much to the narrative that wasn’t already there, and it didn’t add much meaningful closure there. It felt kind of like a placeholder. I also don’t like how the rhyme scheme there is different from the rest of the song, but again that’s a small nitpick. Your writing is strong as ever, and this was a cute way of showing some diversity as well, even if you were forced into it. (That’s not to say you’re a one-note writer, I don’t know if that’s true, but I think a lot of people were forced out of their box content-wise).

 

FCKNAmbrosia, “Love Wine”

 

“Mirror” almost always sets you up for a forced rhyme, but hey, at least you didn’t go with “clearer”. I think this was an interesting route to take, and it was handled okay for the most part. There’s not a lot going on in the song other than what’s happening at a surface level, but what’s there is cute. I was sort of uncomfortable while reading this, but I somehow felt like that was the desired effect. Love wine is also kind of a weird term, and I think we all know what it means in the context of this song, but I wish it was expanded upon a little more. I would like to say the same about the vampire motif but it’s expanded pretty fully - but it still feels kind of empty. Like I’m missing some kind of metaphor that would help me resonate perhaps a little better.

 

Dylobs, “The Dylogent Horticulturalist”

 

That title I hate you so much. I actually really liked this though, despite it being rushed (I assume? You’re the last one, so). So props on that. It just feels a little unfinished, like there could have been more to it. But what you do have is really quite good. I don’t know why the garden imagery works so well but it really ties everything together? You did that. Grass imagery king.

 

 

 

[ultraviolence.xx]

can we incorporate multiple birthstones or do we have to stick to 1? 

[UFO]

Blink

 

You leave them to fade to black in their grey world

You search for a myriad, your own rainbow

[ceremonials]

also 

 

@MattyTacos, "Nature's Playgirl"

 

Okay, so I got some Florence vibes from this, for sure. I don't know if I could really see her singing this, but I do think the similarities in style were there, if not somewhat muddled. Speaking of muddled, this seemed like a big change in word choice for you - you're usually much more of a simple but effective writer, and this seemed like you kicked it up a couple notches. A few too many perhaps, since a few things get lost in translation. Let's take "repent" for example. It sure fits the tone of the song with its religious undertones, but when reading the line it's in it's clear you meant "resent". I also think the bridge is a sort of rough area. It just didn't really add enough to the song to justify it being there, as I think the song was long enough without it. Still, there are some amazing couplets and flashes of genius in this as always, and this was definitely my favorite entry from you so far.

 

[SaintWest]

  On 9/11/2017 at 2:40 AM, ceremonials said:

                         hi this is a megapost for my reviews in the first rounds so jackson can link them in the OP. My round 1 reviews are spread over like 10 pages so i aint wanna look thru all them  

 

but from now on the post should just be linked in the OP, since i do them in two parts instead of 37

 

 

round one

  Reveal hidden contents

 

 

batch one

 

Ultraviolence.xx, “Timepiece”

 

I think as a sort of follow up to Hourglass, this does a lot of things quite well. I don’t even have to really read the song to know what song it was inspired by, and that can be both a curse and a blessing. The inspiration here is very evident, and there’s even some direct reference. In a way, I think that’s cute. It’s kind of like a sequel, or maybe it’s supposed to be written from the person outside the glass’s point of view? WIG if that’s true, but unfortunately I didn’t really get that impression. This felt a bit too much like a recreation and less like a reiteration. The direct references were cute for me, as I’m the one who wrote the original, but to others it might cheapen the experience, if only just slightly. I think a lot of this can also just be attributed to using the time motif in music or poetry, so I won’t be docking you for it.

 

There were some spots I do take issue with, though. This really reads like a Lana song, and while I’m ****ing here for that, a lot of the times on paper her songs don’t sound that good lyrically, mostly because they just don’t have very good natural flow or cadence. Her melodies are what make it work. Remember that we can’t hear how it sounds in your head, and even if we could, we couldn’t judge it based on that. The line I think suffers from this the most would be “I hold it back, I’ll never tell / I never can” You absolutely MURDERED the flow right there, and though it does pick up right after that, I wish this was a bit more tight structurally. This is the first round though, so you won’t be a judged too harshly for it. I do have issues with a few other lines - particularly “stomach soars” and the first line of the prechorus (ESPECIALLY this one, delete it Demi). The ending was a bit anti climactic as well. :’(

 

Overall, the good outweighs the bad, for sure. There were a few minor slip ups technicality wise, and I want to see your meter improve in the following rounds but, as is, this reads like a charming little love letter to “Hourglass”.

 

FAVORITE COUPLET: “But I dream of you in darkened hours / I lay you down among the flowers”

 

Lemur, “untitled”

 

Name yoursongs bitch, tf. You also didn’t name which song you were doing, but I mean, it was pretty evident by the second stanza. Instead of trying to recreate A Higher Power, this feels more like a different side of the same coin. Like you were viewing the same song from a different angle, and I think that was an interesting albeit pretty risky way of tackling this challenge. But, for the most part, I think it paid off. It doesn’t exactly sail above and beyond, but it hits the mark.

 

There was a very blunt, matter-of-fact tone throughout this whole piece, and I think in general that’s necessary for songs of this nature. If you’re going to go political, then you have to take a stance. You have to shock your audience out of complacency, and you don’t get that by being broad and uninspired. While a lot of faux-political songs suffer from this, I don’t think that’s the issue here. In fact, just the opposite. At times, it became a bit too on the nose for my liking. The entire third stanza was where this was the most apparent to me, and while the third to last stanza is especially melodramatic, it works there for some reason, perhaps because of the emotional draw, or maybe because it’s just stated more eloquently, if only just slightly. The “felt shame” lyric in the refrain also felt like a bit of an odd word choice, but I digress.

 

Overall, for the most part, you achieved what you set out to do, and the end result is an interesting take on a somewhat overdone concept.

 

FAVORITE COUPLET: “I live in a world of separation, blackened lies and tax evasion / I live in a world of sudden death / Ending it all when there’s nothing left”

 

UFO, “Black Sun”

 

Let me start off by saying that the structure is...weird? I don’t know, there’s not really any structure to it, really. But in a round like this, and especially in the first round, and especially when Ratson told you like a day later that you didn’t need a full song, I don’t think that criticism holds too much merit. It felt like you wrote this, and then he said that, so you deleted some parts, rearranged it, and made it work. I don’t know if that’s true, but I do think I would have liked to see an expanded version of this. I couldn’t really tell if it felt unfinished, or if it was just well written enough that I wanted to hear more, but I wish this was a regular round.

 

That said, what you do have is quite good. Your use imagery is nice, consistent and appropriate in the way that sort of mirrors the original. And though this is one of the few similarities I found to NSOTH throughout the song, conceptually they are one and the same. What really differentiates this from NSOTH is just how eloquently it’s written - in a way, it’s a step up from even NSOTH (though that was one of the lowest scoring #1s of all time ki, Hourglass won). It’s very poetic, and I think that this kind of imagery complements that writing style pretty flawlessly. (Ask @Moonchild  ). Still, there were some parts I have to bring up. Your obligatory regression into water imagery comes off as especially dull since there was little to none of it in the original. If there was, I might’ve excused it. This is most apparent in the “You called me crazy” line, because I feel like there was a word missing? Even so, the line needed reworking and the water imagery didn’t have much business here. The chorus was also awkwardly long in relation to the rest of the song, which is not something typical of choruses.

 

I know I had a lot to say about it, but it’s because it was one of my favorites. I hope maybe someday you revise this and make it into a full song, because right now, while a fine entry on its own, has some serious unlocked potential.

 

FAVORITE COUPLET: “I start dimming as evening dies, night hides me from you / In her shadow, I’m shining but you haven’t a clue”

 

KatycatPH, “Out of My Mind”

 

Okay, that chorus was a bit of a slay, I cannot tell a lie. It’s a shame it wasn’t repeated more and comes at the end of the song (odd choice by the way, but this is only half a song so don’t worry too much about it). I imagined it with a Tit-like melody (pre-Witness of course), and it really was serving fun, light-hearted relatable bop.

 

Unfortunately, that’s about where it stops. I could not for the life of me figure out what song you were trying to emulate, and that’s not helped at all the fact you didn’t even specify which one you did. Usually with rounds like this, the judges will ask themselves: “Would I be able to tell what song this was based on without you specifying which one it was?” and if the answer isn’t a definitive yes, then you could be docked for it. The criteria is way less for competitive for this round, but still, whatever inspiration you have is VERY loose. The first verse was very...surface level, but I don’t think I would call it bad by any means. There was a bit of personal details in there that at least gave those lines some personality. Still, the spoken parts were extra + the prechorus was completely expository.

 

Overall, I think you have technical songwriting down to a tee, as there were no huge issues with meter, rhyme or structure. There were also bits of personal flare throughout but it’s still a pretty basic breakup song. If you’re going to do a concept like that, you need to make it stand out, or you’ll get lost in the crowd. I want to see you experiment with new concepts in the future.

 

FAVORITE COUPLET: “Now I’m free and soon I’ll be fine / I’ll get over you, maybe just not tonight”

 

Hug, “Ms. Andry”

 

Okay, wig. Hug her Rated R era has finally arrived. Does that mean LOUD is next? Double wig. Overall, this kind of felt like a sequel to Scarlet Bitch rather than a reimagining of it, and I don’t really know how I feel about that. In a way, I think it’s good because you definitely nailed the premise of the challenge, but in a way it felt like you took a few too many noted from Matty, and I wish this had a bit more Hugamari to it.

 

The structure is essentially just a scaled down version of the original, but it keeps Scarlet Bitch’s nice natural cadence as well, so can I really blame you for that? You also directly mention the song more than once, and like with Uvie, it’s sort of cute, but also kinda cheapens the experience. The first time I actually read it as “Femme fatale, scarlet lips / Now blow a kiss, scarlet bitch” and I low key like it better like that??? But that’s a nitpick, I know. And you know when I go nitpicking that means there’s not a lot to pick apart. One more thing, what’s that title? I feel like I’m missing something

 

And that’s especially true here. The song is short and sweet, and unapologetically poignant. You did exactly what you were supposed to do with the challenge, but in the process kind of lost what makes your point of view so unique. I want to see more of you in the following weeks, even if you’re not convinced that you have talent!

 

FAVORITE COUPLET: “I’m a killer, I’m a villain; but I’m never a pawn / Always silent in the moonlight, then I leave by dawn”

 

skwonderfactory, “Midnight Sun”

 

Conceptually I think this is pretty interesting, though I’m not sure I really know what the central metaphor means/is alluding to. And that seems to be the general issue here, it’s quite...muddled. You spend a lot of time building up this narrative in the first few verses (are they really separate verses if there’s no chorus in between? Idk tbh), and then it culminates in the chorus, but it just kinda collapses after that? I know everyone falls back in love with someone or whatever even when they have told themselves they wouldn’t, but there’s kinda too much build up and not enough payoff.

 

The rhyme and meter is also very erratic throughout, so that makes this read more like free verse rather than lyrics. And there were some lines that just...didn’t work. Mainly towards the latter end of the song, and tbh I wouldn’t mind it if the bridge was gone completely. It adds almost nothing narrative was and isn’t compelling enough to justify it being there, in a round where you were supposed to be short and sweet.

 

Overall, this actually has a different issue than most other entries - just the opposite, actually. It needed to be trimmed down, because there was just too much going on. Still, the only reason these shortcomings exist is because you attempted to do a lot with this song, and that ambition can only be admired.

 

Favorite Couplet: “Ending up back to the horizon I followed / That’s not where I want to be tomorrow.”

 

Gastrodonatella, “Dear the One I Miss”

 

Another song with no title. Ok work.

 

So this obviously a very emotionally charged piece, and as a follow up to “To”, that makes a lot of sense. And because we’ve been through similar things (well, I don’t really know what happened so I don’t wanna assume, but I think we both lost our mothers at young ages, yes?), this especially struck a chord. And I appreciate the sentiment behind it as well, it’s actually quite heart wrenching how bittersweet the narrative is. Mostly bitter, though. I kind of hate the “Mommy” in the chorus, though. It would be somehow better if it was “Mama”, but that’s a nitpick and largely a personal preference, I think.

 

What I fear is what happened to me might also happen to you. I don’t want you to become conceptually one-note, because it can be a difficult rut to get out of. At least for me, writing about her was a therapeutic way to deal with something I otherwise didn’t know how to deal with. I’m still not sure I know how to deal with it, but I do know that just writing it on paper for myself helped a lot. So in a way, taking your loss and pain and turning it into something beautiful that can make other people happy can only be seen as a good and healthy thing in my eyes, but unfortunately I don’t think everyone shares that same opinion. Right now, I don’t think it’s too large of an issue, but I want to see you pursuing other topics as well.

 

Overall, in terms of what’s actually wrong with the song, there isn’t much. I can’t poke any major holes in it per se. You’ve always been a proficient writer, but you need to step out of your box occasionally or the walls will turn to cement.

 

Favorite Couplet: “Those nights when you spent lying in your bed alone and crying / I hope to God that you forgive me, too”

 

keshaspearsxo, “Little Rose”

 

Okay, I teared up a bit at just the title. I have a hunch…. Okay now let me actually read it.

 

Okay, the use of commas needs to go. It was necessary in some parts but caused awkward pauses at other times. I know that’s just how some people write, but I want you to get out of the habit of that. I know you love perfect rhymes as well and it does complement the impeccable flow (that is, without the commas), but it times they were just a little to elementary. (see “I think” end rhyme”). That longer section of the bridge also felt a bit tacked on, through I do appreciate the sentiment and how it provides meaningful closure to the narrative.

 

I know I’ve only said negative stuff so far, but I don’t want you to  be discouraged. These were largely just minor technical issues that might have just arisen since you haven’t written regularly (at least in PH) for awhile. And for what this piece lacks, it more than makes up for in emotional brevity and succinct, clean imagery.

Overall, there were some very minor bumps, but your writing maintains an uncommon resilience even after years on hiatus, and for that I can only applaud you.

 

Favorite Couplet: “I saw a rose, once in a dream / But once I awoke, I’d lost you, it seems”

 

OreGuy, “Running Out of Time”

 

Okay, a lot of things about this piece are alllllll over the place, but it actually flows kind of well??? Like I was kinda bopping throughout. And while the inspiration from Hourglass is pretty loose, this is actually an interesting way to go about it. I admire that. It wasn’t melancholic like the original was at all, and it wasn’t really the opposite either. It’s somewhere in the middle.

 

That said, the immagery is ALL over the place, like I stated earlier. Like, there’s absolutely no consistency to it, but maybe that’s the point? I feel like I’m just reading too far into this but I feel like the very, very erratic imagery might have been meant to be display a sense of urgency to go along with the theme of “running out of time”. That’s still a reach though, and it doesn’t excuse the nonexistent rhyme scheme. There’s also a LOT o frepetition.

 

Overall, I think you are a very misunderstood writer, and I actually think your concepts are very ARTPOP most of the time. I live for them actually, but they’re rarely executed to the fullest extent. I think if you had moor peer reviews, you could do a lot better than you usually do, because there’s a lot of hidden potential. I believe in you sis :’(

 

Favorite Couplet: “Won’t you just go and flip that dime / Won’t you stand and say you’re mine?”

 

EJQL8, “Servant of the Lord”

 

Okay, the whole sexual religious theme is pretty played out, but I don’t think it’s executed awfully here. Not flawlessly mind you, but it’s not exactly the easiest concept to **** up. There’s nothing groundbreaking here, nothing we haven’t seen before, but I don’t think that’s always a bad thing.

 

Where you do fall short is, well, for one the rhyme scheme. Not every line has to rhyme, and though it can  sound nice if you pull it off, most of the lines will just come off as forced and nullify any kind of merit that line might of had. It’s important to experiment with different rhyme schemes, and AAAA is certainly not one you should start off with. Also, um, what song is this supposed to be inspired by? If there is any, it’s pretty shaky to the point that I question its existence.

 

Overall, I appreciate what you were trying to do, even if it wasn’t the most groundbreaking thing ever, it was still a cute slut bop. However you need to drop that rhyme scheme immediately and try experimenting with different structures in the future.

Nait Phoenix, “untitled”

 

Okay, so there’s...not a lot here.The lines are incredibly short and don’t really pack the punch to make up for it, individually. But when you combine some of them to form a more normal structure (like I did with my favorite couplet at the bottom of this review), it actually reads significantly better. I know the original had very short lines as well (Jackson used to do that a lot I think), and while that was a cute, somewhat easily missed allusion to the original, they were a bit… too short. The awkward pauses the line breaks forms really took away from what impact they could’ve had, though I’m sure if I heard them in a song with melodies and instrumentals, it would make more sense. It’s just not as practical on paper.  It did leave me wanting to hear more from you, which I think is mostly a good thing, but it also left me slightly unfulfilled.

 

That said, what you do have content-wise is quite good. It’s not exactly much of  a departure from the original, but it doesn’t have to be. However, you’re usually pretty conceptually vivid from what I’ve seemed and this seemed...toned down for your writing. Similar to Hug’s song, you did good at emulating your song/artist, but at the same time lost yourself in the process. As well as other contestants, I think I would’ve also appreciated an expanded version of this, because while there is a lot to love about this piece, there could have been more. This was of course one of the requirements of the challenge (the length), so I won’t be docking you because it’s short. It’s a real challenge to have a really compelling and complete narrative in less than 250 words, but this was a lot shorter than the other entries, for better or worse.

 

Overall, I think you did a good job and emulating Siren Song. It sometimes felt like a cover, but never quite lost that “Nait Phoenix” flare. It suffers from a lot of the same problems that a lot of people struggled with this week, but I know what you’re capable of. Give me more next week. More words, more lines, More Nait.

 

Favorite Couplet: “Waves come and go yet always remain / I see the patterns forming, closer and closer, they’re always the same”

 

Speezy, “Shadows Can’t Come”

 

That title GORL. Well, I think this suffers from what some of your entries have suffered from in the past - and that’s just a lack of polish. It felt a little undone, unedited, and with a few very minor changes it could have been greatly elevated. Still, what you do have conceptually is actually really quite interesting??? Like who thought a song about shadows ****ing would work on any level? It doesn’t seem like something I’d like, but strangely, it kinda works. It’s a pretty messy concept but the execution is pretty spot on, albeit with a few grammatical errors.

 

I didn’t really pick up on Drowned in Neon until you brought it up at the end, so the inspiration is admittedly somewhat shaky - but I think the fact that you dared to go ahead with this concept is pretty admirable. It was a risk, but I think for the most part it actually paid off, so props. I’m trying to pinpoint what lines specifically I want you to work on, but I feel like a lot of them just need very minor changes so going over all of them would seem...extra? I don’t know, PM me if you want a more indepth review on what I mean. But I know there are a lot of people who would be willing to read your songs and help you out as well.

 

Overall, you’ve shown GREAT growth from when we first competed together (in like S8 I think), and your ambition is really inspiring. The tenacity Keep it up, your hard work is paying off, at least for me, but it still needs some polishing.

 

Favorite Couplet: “There are more details that they can’t recreate / It’s just some things that silhouettes can’t imitate”

 

Glassmouth, “Angel”

 

Okay, y’all are trying it with these ARTPOP structures I know it wasn’t a full song, but that doesnt mean all structure and meter and rhyme scheme go out the window. (Not saying this necessarily applies to you though, not all those three things anyway!) Your rhyme scheme was definitely questionable, though. There were for some very loose rhymes but for the most part, it didn’t really rhyme at all, apart from when you rhyme me with me in the chorus (bitch). Contrary to popular opinion not all good or well-written songs have to rhyme - this was even a challenge last season - but it does help your reader form a more logical cadence in their head, and if you’re going for a structure like this, rhyming is almost vital, otherwise it comes off as extremely choppy.

 

In spite of these shortcomings mechanically though, this was definitely the more compelling entries conceptually. Though I don’t know how high that bar is since people and especially newcomers tend to play it safe in Round 1, I still think this was a very ambitious choice of subject matter. And it’s not handled in the most perfect manner mind you, but I think it about hits the mark. The inspiration for Drowned in Neon is pretty loose if we’re being honest, and that was fine, but that “neon” line you slipped in there made it feel a bit too shoehorned.

 

This is the first song I’ve read from you, but you seem to be a concept writer, and I love that. I hope to see even more provocative concepts from you in the future, but what you need to do most is refine your writing mechanically so you can effectively and succinctly portray these narratives in a way your audience can understand and enjoy.

 

Favorite Couplet: “Psychopathic being, ride the illusion with me / Or I’ll find somebody with a black heart like me”

 

FCKNAmbrosia, “Only Afflicted Time Escapes From The Quicksand of Oblivion”

 

Okay bitch, was this planned out so if you looked at the text it would like an hourglass made of words? WIG if that’s true, because it low key does (with a few tumors here and there n). Okay now onto the song. That entire first hook needs to go tbh, or at least the latter half. I don’t know what it is, but it feels like a mix of cliche and forced that (most of) the rest of the song just doesn’t have, so it sticks out even more. On the topic, that black slime line was one hell of a reach.

 

Apart from that though, I’m not sure I can poke many holes in this. The lines are poetic, concise, and have a nice length unlike many songs this week, It’s not the biggest departure from the original - there’s a few cute allusions here and there, but again, I think this is just something that can be attributed to using the time motif. Though it did feel a tiny bit soulless at times. What I mean by that is that sometimes it felt like you were putting lines in just because they sounded pretty or went along with the time motif, rather than because they added to the narrative. It has a very similar tone to the original though, which (in my opinion) was just as if not more soulless.

 

Overall, I think you’re starting starting off Season 11 strong, coming off several successes in the previous (half) season. You have a very specific writing style, and it can be extra at times, but most of its shortcomings can be attributed to the fact that you attempt to more with your songs than the average player. And though you might not always achieve everything you set out to accomplish with one song, the fact that you dare to make us question things like this is what makes you such a compelling and unique writer.

 

Favorite Couplet: “Then you turned back and disappeared into the Sun / Beginning a new life, as mine came undone”

 

Aurora, “Aftertaste”

 

Oh wow. Why would you do this to my wig? I know this is going to be a shorter review, but that’s just cause, well… you were #1, by a large margin. I gave you a 9.5 since at the time Ratson didn’t allow decimals in intervals other than .5 I would’ve given probably a 9.8, though. It was nearly perfect but I did have a few very minor qualms, such as the random AABC rhyme scheme in the first stanza when the rest is written in flawless AABB. This didn’t impact my enjoyment of the song too much at all, but it did take me out of the experience a biT. Other than that it’s hard to poke any holes in a song like this. You know how you did, so I don’t feel I need to sum it up for you, but good job.

 

Favorite Couplet: “I’d rather lose you now before I’m lost for someone else / I’d rather hear your heartbreak than an echo of myself”

 

MattyTacos, “untitled”

 

Okay, so not exactly the most ambitious subject matter, but I find that to be typical of you; and for the record, I don’t think that’s a bad thing. When looking at the narrative of a song I don’t really check for the scope of the story, but whether or not it’s told well. And if the story is told well enough, you can make even the most tired of concepts shine. But if you don’t have either, it can became a little too vague to have any kind of lasting kind of impact on the reader, and that’s where I think this song suffers the most.

 

There’s also some technical issues, for example I don’t think you pulled off either of those “lucid” rhymes extremely well. There’s a few other questionable rhymes that seem a bit rushed for a writer of your credentials, but I’ll let them slide. The added ending on the final chorus also feels pretty clunky and expositional, although I do like that it gives us some kind of closure. There were sparks of the emotional draw that Erased (orignal) had, and this is where this track succeeds the most for me. Also, the fave couplet I listed at the bottom was probably one of my faves this round  Overall, I think there were sparks of MattyTacos in this, but it seemed a bit rushed and clustered.

 

Favorite Couplet: “That’s a common mistake when chasing love / If you run too fast, you won’t get far enough”

 

Funnellegs, “Constellation”

 

Can’t go wrong with space imagery, right? It’s not exactly the easiest thing to **** up so I won’t commend you for that, but I do love how the metaphor didn’t take precedent over the rest of the songs, and what metaphors  you did have were quite good, particularly the one i noted in my favorite couplet at the bottom. Astral imagery is slowly becoming a PH cliche, and while I definitely won’t dock you for writing about something you could possibly have no knowledge of, in a round where you know a good chunk of people are going to do something similar to you, you have to find a way to stand out, or the judges might subconsciously give someone a much higher score because they prefer their writing style over yours. It makes this a game of chance rather than skill. If you make your narrative unique though, and maybe give it a twist in a way someone else probably wouldn’t - the playing field is even again.

 

But like I said in Matty’s review, I’m not necessarily judging the scope of your story - ie, what it’s about on a surface level, but whether or not the story is told well. And here, it most certainly is - it’s just kind of a predictable way to go for something like this. But that’s not necessarily a bad thing, so keep that in mind. I had some minor things to say about word choice - maybe it was just to force a few rhymes but “if you could be so kind” kind of ruined the tone for me, it sounded a bit too...formal? There’s also sometimes a very jarring shift between literal and metaphorical, I think this was most apparent in the bridge. Like I said, this didn’t impact my enjoyment too much, but it did pull me out of the experience a bit.

 

Still, this was one of my favorites and a strong start for you. You certainly had astronomical ( ) shoes to fill going up against Stardust of all things, and I think you should be proud from the result, but also learn from it.

 

Favorite Couplet: “This moment can’t just be a star in the galaxy that is my life / Come paint a constellation, let the two of us align”

 

Legend E, “Hourglass”

 

Okay, just by looking at it and not even really reading it I can tell what the issue is gonna be - the structure is pretty erratic to say the least. The long ass lines at the end of each stanza might work with a melody or something, but as is they read as incredibly unlyrical. Your rhyme scheme is also very sketchy but in a round like this I’m willing to forgive that.

 

I don’t want you to be discouraged, though, since most of its flaws are on a technical level. This is conceptually pretty masterful, and definitely a step up from the original. The story is good, and it’s actually told well despite technical setbacks, which is quite the feat for a newcomer, and I personally think you have a lot of potential once you work out the technical kinks. What I think would work best for you is to find a lyrical style that works for you, a rhyme scheme that works for you, and then see what happens. I think the results will surprise you.

 

Favorite Couplet: “She saw the hourglass and there the bird went / Added little stones so the lovers had some more hours left”

 

CountryBritney, "August"

 

Oh wow, a legend returns. This is actually the first sawng I’ve read from you I think! Shook. And it’s a sex bop nonetheless. Double shook. For a sex bop it definitely takes awhile to get going though, I wasn’t even sure it was a sex song until the second verse. So in that sense it makes sense as a follow up to Scarlet Bitch. I like that. I also LOVED Verse 2 as a whole, the flow was impeccable and moved the story along logically and swiftly. The hourglass reference in the bridge though stan a bit sister

 

If I had to describe the song in one word it would be...concise. Everything is to the point, and I can’t really poke any other holes in it other than what I already have, which is little to say the least, so that should be telling of how I scored you. I hope to see you slay another season, only this time you won’t be the underdog! Watch out sis.

 

Oxygen, “Deep”

 

Okay so this was...pretty literal. There wasn’t much else to it other than what was going on on a surface level, but in a tournament where so many try to assign meaning to things that just don’t - this literal approach deviated from the norm in a way that was actually kind of...refreshing? The story itself isn’t very refreshing, it’s kind of boring actually, but I appreciate the ARTPOP approach you took with this. It was a risk, and maybe it didn’t fully pay off for you, but it was still nice to see something different.

 

Water imagery must’ve been the nail in the coffin. It’s not exactly taboo, you can still do it and pull it off quite well, but i don’t think it was the best choice to supplement this kind of approach. For the record though I don’t think you deserved that score, and I gave you a higher score than your average. I hope you try for the comeback round, because I appreciate everything this brought to the table, despite your elimination.

 

Favorite Couplet: “Swallowing mouthfuls of water, I’m in too deep / High tides surrendering me, I’m just too weak”

 

Mxtthewdelrey, “A Little Hope”

 

Okay so some of these rhymes felt a little elementary I guess, but never lost their mxtt charm. There’s an obligatory mxtt odd couplet - for me, it was the soap one. Sure most people smell like soap I guess, but it’s a weird thing to state. It still feels for the most part could be a PC song, which adds to its personality for me. I also love the personal details that add virtually nothing to the narrative - I don’t know why they’re significant, but it shows that it’s personal to you, which I appreciate.

 

The narrative is nice, albeit nothing groundbreaking, but nice, mainly cause I feel like it’s something happening in your life right now, so it has emotional draw. In a way all songs have that feeling but you can never really tell unless there are details like these. You’re a very unique writer, but you also know your limitations, which is what sets you apart from the average players, as well as your unique voice in writing. It’s really quite admirable how unapologetic you are, and I hope to see more of that this season.

 

ICEY, “Meet You In Space”

 

Okay, that title triggers me. Idk why it just sounds so...broad? Idk Though, I don’t hate the line it’s used in, it’s actually quite nice. The chorus for the most part was really strong, albeit a tad predictable. You can’t really go wrong with astral imagery, but the metaphors used for them are pretty predictable at this point. I’d like to see an astral song about something other than love, maybe.

 

But that’s not my qualm with you, since the task was essentially to recreate these songs, and Stardust is just that (except it’s about a one night stand, but you get what I mean). So it wouldn’t make sense for me to dock you for that. There were some curious word choices though, particularly “silly” in the prechorus - this sort of destroyed the tone. It seemed a little bit rushed or sloppy in places, but the ideas were there, maybe just not fully polished. That’s something I’d like you to work on in the future.

 

Overall, this was a great attempt at recreating Stardust. It might not have the ambience of the original, but it makes up for it in its own unique ways.

 

Covergirl, “Drowned in Neon”

 

I actually kind of really like this so pardon me for not saying a lot about it. The narrative is cute, again nothing groundbreaking but the point is that it’s told well. My main issue is that it was a tad too story driven for me. I love storytelling songs, but there comes a point when cramming every piece of info you can in is too much. I wish we would have gotten to see more of the narrator’s internal conflicts other than simply what is happening around him. There were flashes of this, sure, but I wish it was slightly more fleshed out.

 

Still, you continuously prove your growth as a writer and as someone who has experienced that in the past, I say keep at it.

 

Tsareena, “Cherry Liquor”

 

Okay, I actually like this. It’s a bit too similar to the original, I think, it doesn’t really deviate from it all in terms of theme, but I also think in a week like this that’s fine. I really admire how your lyrics never stray away from that theme as well, it makes the song feel very cohesive, and consistent imagery is something a lot of people have issues with. We can all use imagery - it’s not hard - but making it consistent and effective is what takes the skill. And from the few songs I’ve read from you, I think you have that down pretty well. That’s a great asset to have, as it can take years to learn (or seasons maybe. Trust me, this was one of my biggest flaws in S10).

 

So the issue isn’t there. I think it’s moreso with the narrative going on. I’ve said this in a lot of interviews, but i’m not going to be judging your entries narrative’s based on whether or not the story is good, because it could be entirely derived from the original. I will be judging on whether or not its told well though. This piece is told almost the same as the original, which doesn’t really end up going anywhere. I feel like your biggest mistake here was picking Scarlet Bitch. It’s not a bad song by any means, but maybe not the best for your immersive writing style.

 

Overall, I know this week was kind of rough for you, but I don’t want you to be  discouraged. You have a very vivid and immersive writing style and that’s something that cannot be undervaued in a competition like this.

 

 

PokiTaurus, “Magic Man”

 

Okay, there aren’t many...glaring flaws with this. So as a first time contestant, that’s always a good start. There’s definitely some small areas that need improvement, and there’s definitely some rough patches in terms of individual lines, but as a whole I don’t find the final product awful. . “You’ll never feel sour” has got to be one of the most forced rhymes I’ve ever seen You might not know what those are or why they don’t work though, so let’s talk about them.

 

Forced rhymes add nothing to the narrative you’re trying to propose and are simply there to, well, force a rhyme. If a line has a word that seems like it was placed there just because it rhymes, it’s probably a forced rhyme. Let’s take Summer Bummer for example. Not many things rhyme with summer, so you have really limited options if you want to rhyme something with it. Summer Bummer as a title just sounds comedic, and that was not its intended effect. Instead of summer, you could maybe use June or July, since it would still be summer, and much easier to rhyme with.

 

Aside from that though, you seem to have some natural skill for writing. It needs some refinement, sure. It’s going to take practice. But I see a lot of potential.

 

 

Mezik, “Glow”

 

Um, why wasn’t this top 10? (Or maybe it was, idk at this point ). My point is I think this was pretty underrated compared to what the other girls scored you. That said, the song is pretty basic conceptually and mechanically. There’s not a lot to make it stand out at all, and that’s where I take issue with it - it’s very middle of the road, at least conceptually. As a whole though, I think this was one of the stronger entries.

 

Forgive me for writing a short review, but I want to more focus on you as a writer. This is the first song from you I’ve read, and you seem to be a competent writer, as far as I can tell. The issues aren’t with refinement but maybe moreso subject matter. In the future I want you to try more ambitious concepts, or maybe just a new take on a tired concept. This is because my biggest fear for you is that you will mold into the crowd of contestants. Your writing is good, and I want it to stand out, but you have to meet me halfway.

 

SaintWest, “Train”

 

Ok wow at this being even shorter than Aurora’s. Talent? Perhaps. I gave this a really high score but I actually did find it kind of boring? Like, it’s just someone narrating all the things passing them by as they look out the window? On paper, that sounds so dull but here, it works for the most part, thanks mainly to the masterful writing.

 

Sorry this isn’t longer, but there aint much to pick apart. Your writing is strong as ever, but the concept didn’t entirely hit home for me. And that’s okay. It’s not going to every week.

 

 

 

 

round two

 

  Reveal hidden contents

Mezik, “Restart”

 

Okay, so um...the inspiration here was pretty loose. I know that was a stipulation last round, but in future rounds, I should be able to know what you’re writing about without having to read an explanation, you know? Like let’s take the pokemon challenge for example - I should be able to know what type you did just by reading the song, and I shouldn’t have to ask you for it. I’ll give you a pass here, though, since not everyone is going to know every myth by heart. However, I still wish the connection was a little more developed. It felt a tad bit shoehorned in.

 

Still, I do like what you have in terms of actual content. It’s again nothing groundbreaking conceptually, which in this round is a bit of a hindrance, since many people will surely be going all out with their concepts. But it was still cute and charming, and I like that. I still want to see you step out of your box in the following weeks, though. Love songs won’t work forever.

 

Favorite Couplet: “Now I heard you’ve stayed back in that mining town we called home / I bet you’re still down by the river, wondering why I became so cold”

 

Ultraviolence.xx, “Numbered Days”

 

Okay, so there were definitely some strokes of genius in this. You have a lot of potential, my dear. In terms of writing style, I think this is pretty similar to your first entry - which i wasn’t the biggest fan of, but I think it works in this context a lot better. It feels Shakespearean almost??? Still, there were still a few word choices the good sis Shakespeare definitely wouldn’t have used, and that did take me out of the experience a bit. With a few of these lines changed, I might’ve given it a 10 tbh. It was also a tad melodramatic, but if it’s supposed to be sort of Shakespearean, then that makes total sense. Some lines were just too much though, mainly “seize” and “corpse” lines (these are the word choices i was talking about as well, for the most part). Still, I really enjoyed this. Thank you for euthanizing my wig.

 

Favorite Couplet: “My sweet Eurydice, your hair the shade of autumn’s leaves / And luscious as the grass  that grows between the towering trees”

 

 

Hug, “Tu’er Shen”

 

Okay, I was not feeling this until I got to like, the bridge. Conceptually I think it’s really cute. I mean songs about being gay are definitely cliche, but I think this was a very interesting take on it. I know the first two verses/chorus were necessary for the song to make sense in accordance to the myth, but I don’t know, the narrative felt like it was moving very slowly at that point.

 

It quickly picks up towards the end of the song though, and in my opinion that makes the rest of the song worth it, honestly. I feel like everything you needed to say with that song was within those two sections of the song, so in a way it feels over-centralized, and the other parts of the song just feel sort of expository, even if they were necessary for the song to make sense in the long run. Still, the absolute punch of those lines made the whole journey worth it.

 

Favorite Couplet: “Though my heart no longer beats, the love I felt still stands / For every man who just like me, found love in another man”

 

Minho, “Cat’s Waltz”

 

Okay, wow. ARTPOP. The concept, the rhyme scheme, the execution. It’s serving Vulnicura (member) a bit, but perhaps a bit more lyrical than songs I’ve read from him. You really stuck to the concept throughout the whole song, to the point that each half of the song are sort of mirrors of each other, and I think that complemented your theme perfectly. It was a weird choice for a mythology round, (well, a weird choice in general) but I think you pulled it off exceptionally. I guess my only major issues are with the rhyme scheme, and that’s not something that’s definitively “wrong”. AABC always just reads as kind of unlyrical to me, so I usually take issue with it, unless it’s done super well. But I also don’t really like when people use AABB or ABAB every week, so props for doing something different. It really made your entry stand out from the others for me.

 

Favorite Couplet: “On a cherry wood branch, dressed in my finest white / I stare square at the moon, as the two of us stride”

 

keshaspearsxo, “The Owl”

 

https://media.tenor.com/images/c1a9bb1948718a2f928fe34e24d45b0c/tenor.gif

 

No, but seriously, I do like that quote. A slay. I don’t have much to say about this I guess, it’s pretty short and to the point. At times it did feel a bit too...formal? Like, I wish some of the word choices were a biT more colloquial. Still, I think maybe you went for this kind of tone because of the subject matter, and if that’s the case, then bravo,  But it did rub me the wrong way a couple of times when I first read through it. Still, this was a concept I did not expect to see in this round and I surprisingly enjoyed it much more than I thought I would have.

 

Favorite Couplet: “For the Owl of Minerva only takes its flight / Unnoticed in the gathering shades of night”

 

Glassmouth, “Unicorn Blood”

 

“I intended for this song to be cheesy” Good, cause it was. Not necessarily a bad thing, but it was a bit too campy at times for my liking. Your rhyme scheme is once again nonexistent, and I’m not sure how I feel about that. It certainly doesn’t help the cadence of this piece, which is quite erratic might I add. Conceptually it’s alright, I figured it was about something homo cause of the unicorn title, but it didn’t really come full circle til i read your explanation. It’s essentially a rehash of two common PH tropes - homosexuality and death, and I don’t know that it expands on either of them enough to warrant their inclusion.

 

I know I’ve said a lot of negative things, but I didn’t hate this. It was quite cute acually, and with some refinement, it could’ve been really original and interesting. In the future, I’d like to see how your songs work with a definitive rhyme scheme. You have a unique voice (in writing), and I think this could complement it well, as it does with most writers of poetry and lyrics and such, so it’s something you really need to hammer down in the next few rounds if you wanna make it to the finale.

 

Favorite Couplet: “It might be enough to know that our blood / Will be on the rocks painting rainbows”

 

SaintWest, “Olympia”

 

Okay, wig. I can’t say much about this. The meter in the verses is pretty messy as opposed to the flawlessness of the chorus, and the fire imagery was maybe a tad cliche, but it was done well and not oversaturated. This was a huge improvement over your song last week for me, and I really liked  that one as well. Keep your feet on these girls necks.

 

Favorite Couplet: “A promise land is out there that’s consistent with its views / Won’t have to flee to deities to finally erase you”

 

Nait Phoenix, “Gemini”

 

Okay, this was a cute concept for a love song actually. (Wait, aren’t Gemini twins? The incest). I’m kidding of course, but I did really like this. It could’ve been handled slightly better though - the chorus for example is pretty lackluster compared to the rest of the song, which is the opposite of what you want. Also, I really hate that “missing piece” line but the “missing peace” one was kinda wig??? Overall, this is very concise and consistent. Everything feels tied together and complete, and yet somehow empty. I think it’s the chorus, which was just a tad underwhelming.

 

Favorite Couplet: “I ask to dry your every tear / The darkness that you hold, I’ll make it disappear”

 

OreGuy, “Bal Bal”

 

Okay wow, props for actually following the theme. I mean I know we said in the challenge post that it could be anything mythology related, but that was sort of the basic route. This was the riskier route, so I admire you for picking something like this! It’s pretty obscure, but reading through your source it’s actually quite interesting. Reading through it at first without reading your source material I thought the tone was really...weird. Like it had a creepy vibe to it. But I think that tone really works after reading through that.

 

As for the rest, I don’t know that you pulled it off perfectly, and there were some missteps here and there. Some lines were just awkward or out of place, and some just felt like the wrong word choices.  I don’t think English is your first language (if it is I’m sorry lol), and the fact that you can write at all in another language, let alone LYRICS is impressive in and of itself. I’ve taken five years of Spanish and I know damn well I would not be able to write a song in Spanish If that is the case, then i think the language barrier is your biggest hindrance. My biggest suggestion would be to send your song to as many contestants as you can before you submit, and they can help you catch things like this. I know that can be intimidating as well - I feel weird asking people to read my songs, but you’d be surprised. Many people in this competition are willing to help.

 

Still, your ambition and tenacity this week (and every week) was and will continue to be inspiring. Keep at it.

 

MattyTacos, “Dreamspell”

 

Okay, I actually really liked that chorus. You did that honey. It sort of just sounds like pretty words with not a whole lot of substance, but it was a satisfying chorus nonetheless. The rest of the song was kind of...all over the place? To me it seems like you had a lot of ideas for this entry and sort of just meshed them all into one. The imagery goes from one place to another very quickly, and that was kind of jarring. The imagery was pretty consistent in the chorus, and I think that’s what makes it stand out the most. The verses also feel really sloppy in terms of meter and such, which again just makes the chorus look more like the only part of the song that matters. The chorus is arguably the most important part, but it shouldn’t be the only focus. In the furure I want you to have some more concise concepts - have a good idea of what you want to do before you start writing, and it kinda fixes the consistent imagery problem by virtue. Two birds one stone.

 

Tsareena, “El Chupacabra”

 

Oh wow. Another person that actually went for cryptids! Iconic. And this was another risky one as well. This was good, though it did feel like it went for a bit longer than it should have, even if the lines were relatively short - some of them felt too similar to other lines to warrant their existence. Your imagery was very consistent, that’s for sure, and you never wavered from the concept you set out to create, and that was quite impeccable. Your rhyme scheme was again pretty much non existent, but again that’s not always a bad thing. Not all songs have to rhyme. The interesting structure and the “mother” refrain kind of makes up for this, but it still felt a tad unlyrical at times. Besides the chorus (which felt more like a hook to me, but I digress), that sounded very lyrical for some reason. Maybe it’s my inner Gaga stan. Ma ma pa pa perfect illusion teas.

 

In terms of actual content, I think this was about sexuality, maybe? Or it could’ve been a racial commentary, but I don’t know. It definitely could’ve been both, and I think the Chupacabra was a very unique way to portray that. It doesn’t make perfect sense if that is the context you intended, but it’s still a very interesting take on a very tired concept.

 

Funnellegs, “Without a Goodbye”

 

This felt like a typical funnellegs song, in terms of writing style at least,  but a cute one nonetheless. I really like the story you chose to model and I think you portrayed it well. I didn’t really get the context of the first verse at all until I read the explanation, but rereading it now it makes perfect sense. There were still some lines I would have changed though - particularly the “shrink” one, that seemed pretty forced to me. In terms of subject matter this felt like a change of pace for you, and while I’m sure that can  be said about most people this round, I still appreciate your willingness to step outside your box. But I want to see you step out of it even more. Your writing style is very concise but it also feels a bit formulaic at times, and that can get tiring after ten rounds. Maybe try experimenting with new rhyme schemes, or maybe just different, interesting concepts like you did this week.

 

EmojiClothes, “If Looks Could Kill”

 

Okay, I really like your the concept behind your explanation, but unfortunately it didn’t really come through when reading the song, even after reading through it a second time. The inspiration is there, but it’s somewhat loose, and I wish it was slightly more tied down. It also feels like there should be a little more narrative going on - if you planned to give us a backstory, then I wish there was a bit more “story” to it, you know? Instead, it felt like you focused more on conveying the theme of the song, and I think that’s fine, but some character development does get lost in the process. In the future I hope you can find a more cohesive balance between these two, but as is, it’s not a huge issue. I still liked this piece, but with some refinement it could’ve been elevated a lot.

 

Gastrodonatella, “Persephone”

 

http://i.imgur.com/g9f094c.gif

 

Covergirl, “Lady in White”

 

http://i.imgur.com/g9f094c.gif

 

Okay no but I really liked this. The imagery was cute, the story was cute (well, sad, but you get what i mean), and each verse representing a different season was hella cute - though this did make the song pretty long, and it kinda felt like it didn’t need to go on for that long. Maybe some of the repetition could’ve been taken out, idk. My only other qualm would be that the mythology was sort of...loose? Like, I could see the inspiration from the myth you chose to model in your song, but at the same time that wasn’t really a “myth”. I know folklore was included in there as well, but idk, that’s a tiny bit of a reach as well. The point is that it was executed well, and it was.

 

PokiTaurus, “Promise Ring”

 

Okay, so the inspiration here was fairly loose, and it felt pretty shoehorned in. It felt like you wrote a different song and then threw in some mythical imagery in here and there, instead of wanting to go that route from the beginning. The story itself isn’t the greatest but isn’t awful either. I think your biggest issue continues to be the forced rhymes. There’s a lot of them in  this song, almost too many to go over. It seems like you place a lot of importance on rhymes in your songs. Instead, I think you should focus on what you want to say with each of your songs, and have rhyme be a stepping stone that gets you to your end result. Whether this means more ambitious concepts or just more well thought out narratives, I think you could benefit a lot from either.

 

KatyCatPH, “Zephyr’s Song”

 

Okay wow, this was a huge improvement over last week. It’s not the perfect song for this round, but you went from weird novelty pop song to an actually thoughtful piece of work in less than one round, and that alone shows your determination and willingness to learn. I admire that. I admire also how closely you follow the original in terms of narrative, though at times it felt like a retelling of the story, it was still a nice way to read this story with some added character development. It wasn’t the most ambitious choice of myths, just essentially about a jealous homewrecker, but I think you executed it well. Though I wish there was a bit more of you in this, it still has a lot of personality and charm and it shows your determination as a writer.

 

Ufo, “Love in a Lie”

 

OMG, all the  background info. Euphoressay indeed. It was appreciated though, though I felt like I really only needed to know who Narcissus was. He was the only thing integral to the plot, and most other things felt tacked on to add to the imagery. Still, they do add to the tone and overall vibe of this piece, which helps. I do think the repetition throughout was kind of unneeded, as it was something that didn’t really need that much emphasis, but stylistically it was cute. I also think the chorus was a bit too long to leave a lasting punch, but it was still probably the most compelling part of the song. In terms of narrative I guess I wish there was a bit more closure - in a sense, it doesn’t go anywhere. He’s in the same place he was at the beginning of the song, but maybe that’s the point. Maybe that’s his punishment. If so, cute.

 

Speezy, “Break and Swallow Steel”

 

[DISCLAIMER: NO I HAVE NOT TRIED THESE THINGS.] I love you. I’m also screaming at you doing a sex song again, especially on a week like this. Are you gonna do them every week despite what the challenge is? Bitch I’m here for it. It was interesting route to take for, sure. I’m not sure we’ve had many BDSM songs in PH I think I would’ve liked this more on a different week, as the mythology inspiration is very shoehorned in. It’s there, but seems like it was thrown in at the last minute. Chain imagery is also heavily discouraged in PH for some reason, but that’s usually when it’s used in a metaphorical sense. Here it’s literal so I’ll give you a pass.

 

Mxtthewdelrey, “Black Dog”

 

Okay, I was feeling this until we got to the chorus. Things took a turn there, and there is a MAJOR and very abrupt shift in tone. We go from sort of creepy to all out murderous and gorey, and it was extremely jarring. The verses are pretty nice actually, but that chorus brings it down several pegs I’m sorry to say. In the future, I want you to try to be more consistent in this regard - your themes are always out there and you always stick to them conceptually, but your tone should also match them, and it shouldn’t change (at least, not that abruptly) throughout the song. I think sometimes you focus more on the musical aspects rather than lyrical aspects, as in you imagine them as songs rather than just lyrics. That’s an effective way to write, but just remember that we don’t see them in the same way you do, and things can  get lost in translation.

 

Aurora, “Loch Ness”

 

Wow, the way you are pressuring these girls even with a rushed song. You did that bitch. Again there’s not many holes I can poke in this so I apologize for another shorter review. The bridge felt a little expository to me, in the sense that it didn’t add much to the narrative that wasn’t already there, and it didn’t add much meaningful closure there. It felt kind of like a placeholder. I also don’t like how the rhyme scheme there is different from the rest of the song, but again that’s a small nitpick. Your writing is strong as ever, and this was a cute way of showing some diversity as well, even if you were forced into it. (That’s not to say you’re a one-note writer, I don’t know if that’s true, but I think a lot of people were forced out of their box content-wise).

 

FCKNAmbrosia, “Love Wine”

 

“Mirror” almost always sets you up for a forced rhyme, but hey, at least you didn’t go with “clearer”. I think this was an interesting route to take, and it was handled okay for the most part. There’s not a lot going on in the song other than what’s happening at a surface level, but what’s there is cute. I was sort of uncomfortable while reading this, but I somehow felt like that was the desired effect. Love wine is also kind of a weird term, and I think we all know what it means in the context of this song, but I wish it was expanded upon a little more. I would like to say the same about the vampire motif but it’s expanded pretty fully - but it still feels kind of empty. Like I’m missing some kind of metaphor that would help me resonate perhaps a little better.

 

Dylobs, “The Dylogent Horticulturalist”

 

That title I hate you so much. I actually really liked this though, despite it being rushed (I assume? You’re the last one, so). So props on that. It just feels a little unfinished, like there could have been more to it. But what you do have is really quite good. I don’t know why the garden imagery works so well but it really ties everything together? You did that. Grass imagery king.

 

 

 

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i can't believe cere used to stan for me!

[ceremonials]

  On 9/11/2017 at 2:59 AM, SaintWest said:

i can't believe cere used to stan for me!

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you were my #5 tho