tournament PLATINUM HIT 11▴ congratulations aurora ♛

[MattyTacos]

11 hours ago, Jackson said:

 

@MattyTacos – DreamSpell

The meter in the first verse could have been a little tighter. The 7 syllable lines were great, but the even lines were clumsy at times. The spacing in your past couple entries has been messy as well, so maybe and try and fix that xoxo (just a formatting thing). Overall, you had a lot of good lines here and the imagery was strong, but the flow and structure of the song was so uneven that it was hard to enjoy. Work on tightening up lines and making things flow a little better.

My entries only look ugly during formatting because I copy & paste them from my phone notes.  But I'll keep your critiques in mind. 

 

10 hours ago, Citrus said:

 

CitRuviews - Batch 1

 

MattyTacos – DreamSpell

Can’t decide if “So my thoughts find beauty in the shape of my lover” is brilliant or freshmen intro to philosophy BS. Whew this song was long, feel free to be shorter sister. You had the opposite problem of Glassmouth. You used contextually supportive figurative language to enrich the song, but like, you kinda tried too hard? For example, “What a holy scripture to lay for my sins beside him” is something Taylor probably wrote for her upcoming dark album, except I’m sure hers flows better. Keep up the descriptions that enhance the mood and tone, but try to find the balance so that they aren’t overbearing.

I'll pretend it's the former.  I don't think you're the first person to mention the Taylor thing.  But I'll definitely keep that in mind, thanks. 

[smholiv]

Thank you for the review @Citrus i'm glad you liked the concept, and i'll look into that author.

[EmojiClothes]

2 hours ago, Gastrodonatella said:

i could be so much more annoying if i presented as a monster instead of a tori kelly stan tbh 

I finally watched sing and tell me why Tori had to snatch the girls with Dont You Worry Bout A Wig??

[Citrus]

8 minutes ago, Gastrodonatella said:

citrus AND jackson are in the thread

 

It's almost 3 am for me, I'm doing the last of my reviews in the morning

 

[fountain]

8 minutes ago, Gastrodonatella said:

citrus AND jackson are in the thread

 

Jackson has 2 left x

[Jackson]

reviews ******* now 

[Jackson]

 

@Gastrodonatella – Persephone

Oh, look at you changing up the actual myth. Loving that concept. This is definitely stronger than last week’s entry. Floor/laurel is definitely a forced rhyme, something you fell victim to a couple times. “Peters out” is this song’s mommy, where another choice of words would have been stronger, but take note that I’m not giving you a 5 because of that so don’t go awf. Your meter and flow were impeccable, and there was nothing wrong with the other aspects of the song that would make me take off points.

 

 

@Covergirl – Lady in White

When I first read this I was thinking this read like a base level fefe song, and then I remembered he’s your frequent collaborator/ghostwriter/mentor so it made sense. I like the line “I’ll be here waiting/patiently fading”, but the chorus was otherwise lackluster and didn’t offer much. I would have loved a bit more vivid imagery in the verses, but the storytelling itself was pretty top notch.

 

 

@PoKiTaurus – Promise Ring

“I won’t take it off/cause we never got it on” was clever. Unfortunately, that’s about all I liked here. Some lines read really awkwardly, like “don’t worry baby I’m still clean”. The verse ended up being a laundry list of things you did that night instead of a cohesive storyline. I would have loved to see you showing rather than telling with this song. It’s possible to know what is going on in a song and where you’re going with the themes without stating every little thing that happened.

 

 

@KatyCatPH – Zephyr’s Song

This was definitely a step up from last week’s song. It still wasn’t perfect, but you seemed to do a lot more right this week. The storytelling was strong and the song flowed much better. A big issue came in the form of easy grammatical errors, such as “all my eyes could saw”. If you’re not already, make sure someone proofreads your song before you submit it. The song also would have benefitted from a little more complex language, but that’s something to worry about at a later time.

 

 

@UFO – A Love in a Lie

“Someone has finally matched my beauty” OK wow way to be conceited. “Reversed Midas touch” was clunky. I LOVED the flow of the prechorus, which is interesting because I rarely like short lines and sections. “I feel you/not with my hands” WOO that line. This song seemed poppier than what you usually write, but I really loved it. The simpler language let the emotion really shine through, and ended up being one of your strongest songs for me.

 

 

@Speezy – Break and Swallow Steel

OK what is up with your titles and concepts this season? Girl, are you a sex addict or something? The parentheticals were a little unnecessary. You could have just included them straight into the verse. But wow this song is so confusing, but in a kinda good way? I don’t really like songs that are this sexually direct usually, but the whole dynamic of the relationship was interesting enough to where it didn’t feel like a gimmick and ended up working.

 

 

@mxtthewdelrey – Black Dog

This started out OK, but then it went into typical mxtthew territory. The chorus was a bit too blunt. “Black dog, kill me” is perhaps too direct for the first line of a chorus, where most choruses hit their climax towards the end. But I guess “turn all of/my guts into a spread” wasn’t much more effective as a punchline. You should have continuedon with the glowing eyes motif instead of going quite so morbid in such a completely blunt way. But I think you knew what you were doing, as usual, so just do you.

 

 

@Aurora – Loch Ness

Well moonchild and citrus are probably going to give you 10s just for choosing a cryptid. But I guess I can give you props for choosing a topic that most people would be scared of, and executing it rather well. I think you’re turning into the one to beat this season, which is impressive given your already astounding track record. There were only a few awkwardly phrased lines, like “leaves my body watertight” and “I’ll gladly take the risk”, which wasn’t quite the strong closing chorus line I was hoping for.

 

 

@FCKNAmbrosia – Love Wine

First off, I’m sorry again for not getting the challenge to you earlier. I’m not taking any points off for you because of that. I could definitely tell this was rushed, from little editing errors (“held you hand”) to awkward phrasing (“heart shot”). I know you’re a good writer, though, so I’ll assume the errors and lack of anything interesting really going on here are a fluke and due to the circumstances at hand, so I’ll just patiently wait to be slayed by you next week.

 

 

@Dylobs – The Dylogent Horitculurist

I literally wanted to BTGOG myself just typing that title. “Wields his axe above his head/To swing it like a bat” is 100% redundant because axes and bats are swung the same way, so simile CANCELLED. And not you basing your song after a ****ing yuh-gi-yoh card. But honestly, this wasn’t your best entry, so it would probably be a good idea to not write your song over a day after the deadline next time. The flow was all off in various places and the theme itself wasn’t incredibly strong or clear.

 

[fountain]

Jackson best judge host ever 

[Jackson]

2 minutes ago, keshaspearsxo said:

Jackson best judge host ever 

tea

[Jackson]

Mess why are there so many people in here in the middle of the night

[Denim]

mess @ "ghostwriter/collaborator/mentor" im dead, the raw honesty! 

 

Thanks for the review!! I really liked finding a folklore that I had no idea of previously, it was a learning experience

[Jackson]

1 minute ago, Gastrodonatella said:

 

Someone still has to save your ass

[Denim]

I love how quick you are at judging/reviews @Jackson

 

Any prediction for results day?

[Galah]

7 minutes ago, Jackson said:

@Aurora – Loch Ness

Well moonchild and citrus are probably going to give you 10s just for choosing a cryptid. But I guess I can give you props for choosing a topic that most people would be scared of, and executing it rather well. I think you’re turning into the one to beat this season, which is impressive given your already astounding track record. There were only a few awkwardly phrased lines, like “leaves my body watertight” and “I’ll gladly take the risk”, which wasn’t quite the strong closing chorus line I was hoping for.

I was actually expecting a lot less positivity and a lot more panning, so this was a pleasant surprise. At first I had a better lyric usage for 'watertight' – which I found to be a nice word linking the water metaphors and the feeling of being closed off from others – which I think was more related to the heart than the body but I already had used a lyric involving the heart and it just sounded somewhat cheesy and almost like I was recycling lyrics, so I scrapped it, but I get why the one I ended up using would seem awkward. Thanks for the feedback!

 

5 minutes ago, keshaspearsxo said:

Jackson best judge host ever 

we love tea

[SaintWest]

13 minutes ago, Gastrodonatella said:

@Jackson  anyway i put laurels in because theyre a plant but theyre also a sign of victory and power in mythology, and because i couldn't fit a better rhyme in there so i decided i would just put something that VAGUELY works in that slot instead of ruining the line so that i could make a better fit rhyme. i didn't wanna detract from my song for a rhyme, and it at least had to do with the challenge sort of? so i figured it was better than just shoehorning something in (laurel below )

you got a positive review and you're still writing jackson essays 

[SaintWest]

16 minutes ago, keshaspearsxo said:

Jackson best judge host ever 

all he had to do was stay awake to be a better host then you 

[touya kinomoto]

Damn why did escape my grammar naziness? "Could saw"? Really?

[ultraviolence.xx]

1 minute ago, Gastrodonatella said:

i just thought the laurel double aunt andre was neat honestly 

you already know how i feel about it

[Galah]

8 minutes ago, SaintWest said:

you got a positive review and you're still writing jackson essays 

@UFO feels insulted at you calling what's barely a paragraph, an essay

 

8 minutes ago, Gastrodonatella said:

i wanna drag aurora and be like "oh wow aurora being scared for nothing cuz he turned it out and we already knew he would" but that was genuinely me for the past like week and a half so  

i have an over analytical mind which not only maps out the worst case scenario and prepares for it but actively feels like it's already destined to become a reality and so then i try to justify the events and reasonings which will lead to said event okay

 

8 minutes ago, SaintWest said:

all he had to do was stay awake to be a better host then you 

sleep is essential, sleep don't wait for no finale or deadline

[ultraviolence.xx]

Just now, Aurora said:

i have an over analytical mind which not only maps out the worst case scenario and prepares for it but actively feels like it's already destined to become a reality and so then i try to justify the events and reasonings which will lead to said event okay

 

ok wow this teA

[ceremonials]

 

batch two

 

@OreGuy, “Bal Bal”

 

Okay wow, props for actually following the theme. I mean I know we said in the challenge post that it could be anything mythology related, but that was sort of the basic route. This was the riskier route, so I admire you for picking something like this! It’s pretty obscure, but reading through your source it’s actually quite interesting. Reading through it at first without reading your source material I thought the tone was really...weird. Like it had a creepy vibe to it. But I think that tone really works after reading through that.

 

As for the rest, I don’t know that you pulled it off perfectly, and there were some missteps here and there. Some lines were just awkward or out of place, and some just felt like the wrong word choices.  I don’t think English is your first language (if it is I’m sorry lol), and the fact that you can write at all in another language, let alone LYRICS is impressive in and of itself. I’ve taken five years of Spanish and I know damn well I would not be able to write a song in Spanish If that is the case, then i think the language barrier is your biggest hindrance. My biggest suggestion would be to send your song to as many contestants as you can before you submit, and they can help you catch things like this. I know that can be intimidating as well - I feel weird asking people to read my songs, but you’d be surprised. Many people in this competition are willing to help.

 

Still, your ambition and tenacity this week (and every week) was and will continue to be inspiring. Keep at it.

 

@MattyTacos, “Dreamspell”

 

Okay, I actually really liked that chorus. You did that honey. It sort of just sounds like pretty words with not a whole lot of substance, but it was a satisfying chorus nonetheless. The rest of the song was kind of...all over the place? To me it seems like you had a lot of ideas for this entry and sort of just meshed them all into one. The imagery goes from one place to another very quickly, and that was kind of jarring. The imagery was pretty consistent in the chorus, and I think that’s what makes it stand out the most. The verses also feel really sloppy in terms of meter and such, which again just makes the chorus look more like the only part of the song that matters. The chorus is arguably the most important part, but it shouldn’t be the only focus. In the furure I want you to have some more concise concepts - have a good idea of what you want to do before you start writing, and it kinda fixes the consistent imagery problem by virtue. Two birds one stone.

 

@Tsareena, “El Chupacabra”

 

Oh wow. Another person that actually went for cryptids! Iconic. And this was another risky one as well. This was good, though it did feel like it went for a bit longer than it should have, even if the lines were relatively short - some of them felt too similar to other lines to warrant their existence. Your imagery was very consistent, that’s for sure, and you never wavered from the concept you set out to create, and that was quite impeccable. Your rhyme scheme was again pretty much non existent, but again that’s not always a bad thing. Not all songs have to rhyme. The interesting structure and the “mother” refrain kind of makes up for this, but it still felt a tad unlyrical at times. Besides the chorus (which felt more like a hook to me, but I digress), that sounded very lyrical for some reason. Maybe it’s my inner Gaga stan. Ma ma pa pa perfect illusion teas.

 

In terms of actual content, I think this was about sexuality, maybe? Or it could’ve been a racial commentary, but I don’t know. It definitely could’ve been both, and I think the Chupacabra was a very unique way to portray that. It doesn’t make perfect sense if that is the context you intended, but it’s still a very interesting take on a very tired concept.

 

@funnellegs, “Without a Goodbye”

 

This felt like a typical funnellegs song, in terms of writing style at least,  but a cute one nonetheless. I really like the story you chose to model and I think you portrayed it well. I didn’t really get the context of the first verse at all until I read the explanation, but rereading it now it makes perfect sense. There were still some lines I would have changed though - particularly the “shrink” one, that seemed pretty forced to me. In terms of subject matter this felt like a change of pace for you, and while I’m sure that can  be said about most people this round, I still appreciate your willingness to step outside your box. But I want to see you step out of it even more. Your writing style is very concise but it also feels a bit formulaic at times, and that can get tiring after ten rounds. Maybe try experimenting with new rhyme schemes, or maybe just different, interesting concepts like you did this week.

 

@EmojiClothes, “If Looks Could Kill”

 

Okay, I really like your the concept behind your explanation, but unfortunately it didn’t really come through when reading the song, even after reading through it a second time. The inspiration is there, but it’s somewhat loose, and I wish it was slightly more tied down. It also feels like there should be a little more narrative going on - if you planned to give us a backstory, then I wish there was a bit more “story” to it, you know? Instead, it felt like you focused more on conveying the theme of the song, and I think that’s fine, but some character development does get lost in the process. In the future I hope you can find a more cohesive balance between these two, but as is, it’s not a huge issue. I still liked this piece, but with some refinement it could’ve been elevated a lot.

 

@Gastrodonatella, “Persephone”

 

 

@Covergirl, “Lady in White”

 

 

Okay no but I really liked this. The imagery was cute, the story was cute (well, sad, but you get what i mean), and each verse representing a different season was hella cute - though this did make the song pretty long, and it kinda felt like it didn’t need to go on for that long. Maybe some of the repetition could’ve been taken out, idk. My only other qualm would be that the mythology was sort of...loose? Like, I could see the inspiration from the myth you chose to model in your song, but at the same time that wasn’t really a “myth”. I know folklore was included in there as well, but idk, that’s a tiny bit of a reach as well. The point is that it was executed well, and it was.

 

@PoKiTaurus, “Promise Ring”

 

Okay, so the inspiration here was fairly loose, and it felt pretty shoehorned in. It felt like you wrote a different song and then threw in some mythical imagery in here and there, instead of wanting to go that route from the beginning. The story itself isn’t the greatest but isn’t awful either. I think your biggest issue continues to be the forced rhymes. There’s a lot of them in  this song, almost too many to go over. It seems like you place a lot of importance on rhymes in your songs. Instead, I think you should focus on what you want to say with each of your songs, and have rhyme be a stepping stone that gets you to your end result. Whether this means more ambitious concepts or just more well thought out narratives, I think you could benefit a lot from either.

 

@KatyCatPH, “Zephyr’s Song”

 

Okay wow, this was a huge improvement over last week. It’s not the perfect song for this round, but you went from weird novelty pop song to an actually thoughtful piece of work in less than one round, and that alone shows your determination and willingness to learn. I admire that. I admire also how closely you follow the original in terms of narrative, though at times it felt like a retelling of the story, it was still a nice way to read this story with some added character development. It wasn’t the most ambitious choice of myths, just essentially about a jealous homewrecker, but I think you executed it well. Though I wish there was a bit more of you in this, it still has a lot of personality and charm and it shows your determination as a writer.

 

@UFO, “Love in a Lie”

 

OMG, all the  background info. Euphoressay indeed. It was appreciated though, though I felt like I really only needed to know who Narcissus was. He was the only thing integral to the plot, and most other things felt tacked on to add to the imagery. Still, they do add to the tone and overall vibe of this piece, which helps. I do think the repetition throughout was kind of unneeded, as it was something that didn’t really need that much emphasis, but stylistically it was cute. I also think the chorus was a bit too long to leave a lasting punch, but it was still probably the most compelling part of the song. In terms of narrative I guess I wish there was a bit more closure - in a sense, it doesn’t go anywhere. He’s in the same place he was at the beginning of the song, but maybe that’s the point. Maybe that’s his punishment. If so, cute.

 

@Speezy, “Break and Swallow Steel”

 

[DISCLAIMER: NO I HAVE NOT TRIED THESE THINGS.] I love you. I’m also screaming at you doing a sex song again, especially on a week like this. Are you gonna do them every week despite what the challenge is? Bitch I’m here for it. It was interesting route to take for, sure. I’m not sure we’ve had many BDSM songs in PH I think I would’ve liked this more on a different week, as the mythology inspiration is very shoehorned in. It’s there, but seems like it was thrown in at the last minute. Chain imagery is also heavily discouraged in PH for some reason, but that’s usually when it’s used in a metaphorical sense. Here it’s literal so I’ll give you a pass.

 

@mxtthewdelrey, “Black Dog”

 

Okay, I was feeling this until we got to the chorus. Things took a turn there, and there is a MAJOR and very abrupt shift in tone. We go from sort of creepy to all out murderous and gorey, and it was extremely jarring. The verses are pretty nice actually, but that chorus brings it down several pegs I’m sorry to say. In the future, I want you to try to be more consistent in this regard - your themes are always out there and you always stick to them conceptually, but your tone should also match them, and it shouldn’t change (at least, not that abruptly) throughout the song. I think sometimes you focus more on the musical aspects rather than lyrical aspects, as in you imagine them as songs rather than just lyrics. That’s an effective way to write, but just remember that we don’t see them in the same way you do, and things can  get lost in translation.

 

@Aurora, “Loch Ness”

 

Wow, the way you are pressuring these girls even with a rushed song. You did that bitch. Again there’s not many holes I can poke in this so I apologize for another shorter review. The bridge felt a little expository to me, in the sense that it didn’t add much to the narrative that wasn’t already there, and it didn’t add much meaningful closure there. It felt kind of like a placeholder. I also don’t like how the rhyme scheme there is different from the rest of the song, but again that’s a small nitpick. Your writing is strong as ever, and this was a cute way of showing some diversity as well, even if you were forced into it. (That’s not to say you’re a one-note writer, I don’t know if that’s true, but I think a lot of people were forced out of their box content-wise).

 

@FCKNAmbrosia, “Love Wine”

 

“Mirror” almost always sets you up for a forced rhyme, but hey, at least you didn’t go with “clearer”. I think this was an interesting route to take, and it was handled okay for the most part. There’s not a lot going on in the song other than what’s happening at a surface level, but what’s there is cute. I was sort of uncomfortable while reading this, but I somehow felt like that was the desired effect. Love wine is also kind of a weird term, and I think we all know what it means in the context of this song, but I wish it was expanded upon a little more. I would like to say the same about the vampire motif but it’s expanded pretty fully - but it still feels kind of empty. Like I’m missing some kind of metaphor that would help me resonate perhaps a little better.

 

@Dylobs, “The Dylogent Horticulturalist”

 

That title I hate you so much. I actually really liked this though, despite it being rushed (I assume? You’re the last one, so). So props on that. It just feels a little unfinished, like there could have been more to it. But what you do have is really quite good. I don’t know why the garden imagery works so well but it really ties everything together? You did that. Grass imagery king.

 

[touya kinomoto]

5 minutes ago, ceremonials said:

@KatyCatPH, “Zephyr’s Song”

 

Okay wow, this was a huge improvement over last week. It’s not the perfect song for this round, but you went from weird novelty pop song to an actually thoughtful piece of work in less than one round, and that alone shows your determination and willingness to learn. I admire that. I admire also how closely you follow the original in terms of narrative, though at times it felt like a retelling of the story, it was still a nice way to read this story with some added character development. It wasn’t the most ambitious choice of myths, just essentially about a jealous homewrecker, but I think you executed it well. Though I wish there was a bit more of you in this, it still has a lot of personality and charm and it shows your determination as a writer.

Thanks Cere. I really want to learn more and I appreciate that you see it.

[Jackson]

32 minutes ago, Covergirl said:

I love how quick you are at judging/reviews @Jackson

 

Any prediction for results day?

In the morning if moon gets his judging in on time

[Galah]

21 minutes ago, ceremonials said:

@Aurora, “Loch Ness”

 

Wow, the way you are pressuring these girls even with a rushed song. You did that bitch. Again there’s not many holes I can poke in this so I apologize for another shorter review. The bridge felt a little expository to me, in the sense that it didn’t add much to the narrative that wasn’t already there, and it didn’t add much meaningful closure there. It felt kind of like a placeholder. I also don’t like how the rhyme scheme there is different from the rest of the song, but again that’s a small nitpick. Your writing is strong as ever, and this was a cute way of showing some diversity as well, even if you were forced into it. (That’s not to say you’re a one-note writer, I don’t know if that’s true, but I think a lot of people were forced out of their box content-wise).

Thanks cere.  I can sleep well tonight. I'm always conscious about switching up flows/rhyme schemes between sections because I think sometimes it's easy to get in a monotonous rhythm and it's better if there's distinction between the elements... but maybe I went a bit too left-of-centre with the bridge nn.

 

Side note, I actually love diversity and hopefully you'll get to see more diverse sides of me this season!

[SaintWest]

1 hour ago, Gastrodonatella said:

INNER SABOTEUR AND PARANOIA FOUND FLOATING FACEDOWN IN THE RIVER STYX 

that is directly from my song olympia (i said the exact same thing "River Styx"...) but i'm going to give you the benefit of the doubt and pretend like you haven't read it yet