tournament PLATINUM HIT 11▴ congratulations aurora ♛

[Jackson]

 

@ultraviolence.xx - timepiece

First of all, I’d just like to say that I’m kind of surprised at how good this is for a debut entry. I have no doubt that you’re going to end up being a force in this competition. You already have a good sense of imagery and meter, which takes some people a long time to develop. I like how you played with the structure of the song a bit, adding the extra line at the end of the second stanza. Still, there were parts of the song, such as the prechorus, where it felt as though the structure of the song took over, voiding any sense of personality. “Falsify” seems a little wordy for a traditional song, and felt contrived to fit into the rhyme scheme of the song. Still, great job overall. 

 

 

@Lémur - Can’t Remember What the Title Was

Chained to the Rhythm is SHOOK. Trapped in our white picket fence indeed. In a song so short, there were a couple of awkwardly phrased lines where I felt the space could have been used better (“all the viruses…”/“I’ve yet to see any”), but that is but a minor qualm. Despite the structure being fairly rigid, I felt a lot of personality in this which I appreciated. The song progressed naturally, which can be hard to do in such little space. The final verse summed up the song well and provided just enough poignancy to make the song stick.

 

 

@UFO - Black Sun

I like that this was different from you. You’re typically more verbose and prefer longer, more conceptually complex entries, so I like that you chose to peel it back a bit this week. Your prose style still seeped through a little more than I would have wanted, and the lack of a clear rhyme scheme made the song border a little too far into poem territory. Overall, I wish you would have expounded a little more on what the black sun represented, as the meaning was never quite clear as to why they would prefer the moon. Still a strong debut entry, though.

 

 

@KatyCatPH - Out of My Mind

This song was fairly elementary, and I can tell that you still have quite a bit of room to grow. The rhyme scheme was overly basic, and featured quite a few forced rhymes (right/lies) and other ending words that seemed to be thrown in there for no reason at all (house). Additionally, I felt as though the entry was a bit too plainly stated, without any sort of metaphor or tangible emotion to take it to the next level. Don’t be afraid to ask for help if you’d like to take your songs there in future weeks.

 

 

@Hug - Ms. Andry

The central theme/title line was CLEVER af. I also liked how your verses were structured. Your song was short but you used the space extremely well, making every word have a direct purpose. The lines flowed extremely well (“I’m a gun, safety off/I’m a shot, on the rocks) and flowed tightly in a way that carried your song throughout. My only real complaint here was a prevalence of awkward phrasing at the end, where space could have been used a little more effectively (“scarlet bitch doesn’t lie”/“there’s a bounty for heads”). 

 

 

@skwonderfactory - Midnight Sun

I liked the premise of the song, but the execution could have been handled better. “I have seen a smile that glows/risk it all for the hunt and kill” was creepy, but not quite in the way you were intending. Additionally, that line and others featured forced rhymes that dulled the impact of their contents. The strongest part of the song was the chorus, which I felt was executed well despite its short and simple nature. The bridge was a highlight as well.

 

 

@Gastrodonatella - What Did You Say This Was Called Again?

Wow, mentioning fleeting already in the first line? This season’s gay icon I see. Achilles is SHOOK. I don’t really like the use of “selfish” and “selfless” in the same line, because the words are just opposites derived from the same roots, which negates the internal rhyming effect. “Mommy” seemed a bit pedestrian for the darker, somber nature of the song. When a song is so short, you want to make sure you make the most of every word, and I didn’t feel as though this song did that. I could tell that it was quite emotional in nature, but your word choices didn’t convey that feeling in the most effective way.

 

 

@keshaspearsxo -  Little Rose

Although you stated you tried to change things up with this entry, it didn’t appear to be anything more or less than what you typically submit, down to the courier font. That being said, it wasn’t necessarily a bad thing. Although the verses drudged on at times and bordered on cheesy (“Without a choice, ‘cause you can’t be replaced”) the chorus was strong and quite effective despite its length. The bridge was another highlight, but in the end the chorus was what stuck with me the most, probably for good reason.

 

[Citrus]

Regarding a rap round, slight reminder that I was the first to get a #1 rap and comedy song.  

[Nait Phoenix]

Honestly, I was going to roll with "untitled" for a second… but I did already make the cover…

[Jackson]

1 minute ago, Citrus said:

Regarding a rap round, slight reminder that I was the first to get a #1 rap and comedy song.  

ok but where are your reviews 

[Kelp]

@Jackson @ceremonials thank you

[Citrus]

1 minute ago, Jackson said:

ok but where are your reviews 

Burning in hell 

[ceremonials]

1 hour ago, Jackson said:

Oh, you did in your PM title, I guess I just didn't see when I copied over the text of the PM

the flop hosting

[ceremonials]

1 hour ago, Citrus said:

Regarding a rap round, slight reminder that I was the first to get a #1 rap and comedy song.  

mess painted lady was a rap song

[Citrus]

39 minutes ago, ceremonials said:

mess painted lady was a rap song

"Start with your mug and a one-two hook / Put down the dick girl and pick up a book"

 

what genre does that sound like

[Aurora]

5 minutes ago, Citrus said:

"Start with your mug and a one-two hook / Put down the dick girl and pick up a book"

 

what genre does that sound like

Sounds very classical contemporary to me, personally. I'm hearing violas; perhaps a cello?

[ceremonials]

24 minutes ago, Citrus said:

"Start with your mug and a one-two hook / Put down the dick girl and pick up a book"

 

what genre does that sound like

soul

[Aurora]

2 minutes ago, Corsola said:

Also already perched for more from @ultraviolence.xx because the sis is already proving they'll stomp in their debut season 

We stan, yes we do!

[Legend E]

I'm nervous I feel that my song was too cheesy  

[UFO]

Wait @Speezy wrote about shadows having sex? OMG WHAT KIND OF LEGEND     come thru sis!    

[Citrus]

All my reviews will be late late tonight or tomorrow morning. And they're gonna be shorter than usual so I apologize in advance. This is my first week at a new job and new semester of school so it's a biT hectic 

[SaintWest]

Uvie is going to be the Lane Boy of the season.  

[Jackson]

9 hours ago, Gastrodonatella said:

anyway i guess there's not many flaws in your song when a quarter of your review is talking about a failed internal rhyme that wasn't written as an internal rhyme in the first place  

In that case it just failed harder

[Jackson]

Just now, Gastrodonatella said:

lmk when ur reviews are gonna have more substance than a random comparison to achilles, making up an internal rhyme out of thin air to lash me for having a bad internal rhyme, and telling me that my use of the name that i (and literal millions of other people) call my mom is "a bit pedestrian"

lmk when you're willing to listen to advice, that's all there is to it 

[Jackson]

5 minutes ago, Gastrodonatella said:

i listen to good advice! like when corsola clocked two of my stanzas for having flop meter so i rewrote them, or when hug told me that my song ended too abruptly without a conclusion so i rearranged some pieces and added an outro. just because it's you who's delivering the message doesn't mean that clocking a nonexistent internal rhyme and saying that calling your mom mommy is too pedestrian is good advice

The rhyme exists whether you noticed it or not  

 

Calling your mom "mommy" in an otherwise somber and serious song destroyed the entire tone of the song. I don't understand what's hard to get about that.

 

Anyways I gave you a 5. The song sucked. I was trying to be nicer about it but you don't care about my opinion anyway. 

[Jackson]

1 minute ago, Gastrodonatella said:

i mean you admitted yourself that the internal rhyme you made up was negated so it clearly wasn't one anyway   

 

i think you're overstating the impact of how much damage me calling my mom what i called her every day for 14 years did to the song. you're really not obligated to like it but when your reasons for disliking it are a made up internal rhyme and me saying mommy then it seems like you're reaching for a reason to dislike it. does me using mommy and having a failed internal rhyme really warrant docking 5 points? or is there something else that i glossed over

You're missing the entire point. It IS an internal rhyme, I've already described why and anyone with a 7th grade English education should know that so there's no point in explaining why again.

 

I don't care what you've called your mom for 14 years. The fact that you and millions of others call your mom that just prove my point even more. The word is pedestrian.

 

pedestrian (adj.)

4.

lacking in vitality, imagination, distinction, etc.;commonplace; prosaic or dull:

 

The point is you don't use words you use in everyday life in a song like this. The point of that comment was that the fact that your chorus used such everyday language with no heightened sense of sadness, no descriptive words, nothing other than plainly stating what happened, made the song lack any punch. It was just a base level song about death. I didn't say much else because there wasn't much else to say. This was just such a R1 death song. If you want to elevate your writing, you need to use imagery, more emotional words, a metaphor, a less common theme, a clever structure, just SOMETHING that sets your song apart. It was the definition of a 5: so middle of the road it hardly merited a response. There were no particularly egregious mistakes (which is why you're complaining, "mommy" and "selfish/selfless" aren't enough to bring you to a 5 alone) but really nothing to be excited about either.

[Jackson]

 

[Jackson]

What it comes down to, is everyone can defend their own song and give reasons for why it shouldn't be dragged. I hope you can see why "I didn't use any metaphors or imagery because it would make the song over the top and unnatural" doesn't cut it for me. Your song needs SOMETHING to set it apart, and I have to judge songs on some sort of scale without giving a participation trophy to everyone. You don't have to use water metaphors to make a song good. You could have just tried using more emotional words instead of the simplest words possible. You could have alluded to some of the events that happened instead of stating exactly what happened. You could have experimented with structure and given us something interesting in the way the verses were formatted or emphasized words through meter. I'm not saying you had to do any of these things, but you should have done something.

[ultraviolence.xx]

i thought the big UFC fight wasn't until later  

 

also i thought the chicken was lovely +1

[Kelp]

@Jackson

 

"Chained to the Rhythm is SHOOK. Trapped in our white picket fence indeed. In a song so short, there were a couple of awkwardly phrased lines where I felt the space could have been used better (“all the viruses…”/“I’ve yet to see any”), but that is but a minor qualm. Despite the structure being fairly rigid, I felt a lot of personality in this which I appreciated. The song progressed naturally, which can be hard to do in such little space. The final verse summed up the song well and provided just enough poignancy to make the song stick."

 

I have to say I disagree with this comment and actually I find it really offensive. I don't know if you don't read the news or something but the line "All the viruses and shrunken heads" was in reference to the Zika virus and how the government didn't help enough and it ruined the lives of so many and killed millions. Now, I know you're privileged and live on the bones of Native Americans killed in genocide but the fact you would come after this line is frankly disgusting when it conveys more social commentary than you have ever shown in countless seasons of playing this ****ed game.

 

Also I know you're not the sharpest tool in the shed but the line "I've yet to see any higher power" is about how there's been no intervention from the god or gods that we all pray to. Maybe you didn't understand that because I know you have a brain the size of a squirrel's. If I had shortened the line and "used the space better" or whatever the ****, it would sound like "I don't see a higher power" and that just doesn't reveal the same emotion. Personally I think your critiques are pointless and ****ing stupid and you should take a bath with a plugged in toaster.

[Jackson]

3 minutes ago, Lémur said:

@Jackson

 

"Chained to the Rhythm is SHOOK. Trapped in our white picket fence indeed. In a song so short, there were a couple of awkwardly phrased lines where I felt the space could have been used better (“all the viruses…”/“I’ve yet to see any”), but that is but a minor qualm. Despite the structure being fairly rigid, I felt a lot of personality in this which I appreciated. The song progressed naturally, which can be hard to do in such little space. The final verse summed up the song well and provided just enough poignancy to make the song stick."

 

I have to say I disagree with this comment and actually I find it really offensive. I don't know if you don't read the news or something but the line "All the viruses and shrunken heads" was in reference to the Zika virus and how the government didn't help enough and it ruined the lives of so many and killed millions. Now, I know you're privileged and live on the bones of Native Americans killed in genocide but the fact you would come after this line is frankly disgusting when it conveys more social commentary than you have ever shown in countless seasons of playing this ****ed game.

 

Also I know you're not the sharpest tool in the shed but the line "I've yet to see any higher power" is about how there's been no intervention from the god or gods that we all pray to. Maybe you didn't understand that because I know you have a brain the size of a squirrel's. If I had shortened the line and "used the space better" or whatever the ****, it would sound like "I don't see a higher power" and that just doesn't reveal the same emotion. Personally I think your critiques are pointless and ****ing stupid and you should take a bath with a plugged in toaster.

You obviously never read my political smash #1 hit "Berlin" from last season (and its follow up flop "Lilac Fields")!