tournament PLATINUM HIT 11▴ congratulations aurora ♛

[Aurora]

i was going to listen to TMYLM but I think I'll have this Grey EP on repeat for a biT first

[Jackson]

 

@Hug – Providence

Disclaimer to you and everyone else this round: I didn’t actually read the short story, I’ve seen the movie and hopefully they’re close enough thematically. BUT I’ve never been one to judge heavily based on proximity to the challenge so don’t fret. OK, so your rhythm was a bit off in the first stanza of the first verse, but I did like the slightly unconventional flow of the song when you were following it. Pyrotechnic was a bit of an inaccurate word choice in my opinion, but the imagery was great. You took the cliché of a sunrise and made it something a little more inventive with “and watch the sun wash out the dark”. The first part of the bridge could honestly have been deleted, its formulaic and doesn’t add anything to the song, and the second half suffices as a bridge. Overall a huge improvement from last week.

 

 

@Aurora – The Gift

The first gift was uncharacteristically lazy from you. “Without a care” especially was elementary songwriting, and it was difficult to catch the flow of the lyrics through clunky phrases like “plastic dinosaurs”. I like the themes you were setting up, but the execution could have been cleaner. Beyond the basic structural elements of your song, I really like how you set up the storyline without revealing what “the gift” was right off the bat. It built up a sense of anticipation and kept me actually interested in reading. The fact that you tied the story so heavily into your song was a pretty big risk. In some ways, the storyline didn’t totally connect, as one who is unfamiliar with the story wouldn’t understand the song, and would find certain lines like “she shared her daughter’s cruel design” puzzling. Even knowing the storyline, I didn’t fully understand what was going on until I read your commentary, which shouldn’t be necessary. I’m glad you chose to be ambitious, but it felt like your ambition allowed certain things to fall by the wayside.

 

@Gastrodonatella – Buttercups

I like that you chose a specific part of the story as your inspiration. As always, I need to be nitpicky about your song, so I’m going to point out the fact that “my heartbreak as it’s snatched away” reads at first as if the heartbreak is being snatched away, so be careful of things like that. It’s like a lowkey “let’s eat grandma” vs “let’s eat, grandma” tea. I liked the chorus, and I felt you did a good job of carrying over the emotion of the story into your song, but the penultimate line IRKED me with its lack of syllables because the rest of the chorus flowed so well. And just fyi, that epilogue bumped you up a WHOLE point because it just slayed/scalped/evaporated me absolutely bald, alopecia is shook.

 

 

@MattyTacos – Ending Scene

Mess at you writing like the same song as Gastrodonatella. Because your songs were so close in my PMs, I’m going to compare them real quick. I thought Gassy did a better overall job at conveying the emotion of the story and translating it into song form, but I thought your imagery was a lot more vivid, and related well to the story. Your chorus was so close to perfection, and basically just needed a bit of extra editing to truly scalp. Something like “But every time I dream of sheep/your thought creeps in my head/If you leave this solitude/You’ll risk breaking our *something other than fortress because the stressing is wrong*”. IDK if you have people read through your songs before submission, but you really should because songs like this show you still CAN write great songs, their execution just needs to be a bit more refined.

 

 

@Tsareena – Nonstop

I still feel like you’re letting your rhymes dictate the flow of your songs, and it’s excruciating to watch because a lot of your individual lines show so much potential. I know you were asking the thread earlier for advice, so I’d suggest to write out a map of your song first so you know exactly where you want to go before you write a single lyric. Think of all the themes you want to touch on, any storyline you want to implement, and any metaphors you want to include. Decide on a song structure, and then start writing. If you can’t think of a rhyme, delete the line and start over. Use a different rhyme scheme if you have to. Just don’t let your rhymes take control of your song. I saw glimpses of this in your structure, especially in the “… till landing” gimmick (which was cool, I like gimmicks), so I’d like to see you expand upon that even further to create a truly cohesive experience that fully showcases your writing abilities.

 

 

@minho – Here Comes the Rain

Just a little thing on rhyme scheme – while stressing is important within a line, it’s substantially more important at the end of a line when it comprises part of a rhyme. This became a biT of an issue in lines like silhouette/set and city/me. And the rhyme scheme as a whole was incredibly hazy, as it appeared to be present at the beginning of the song yet was even lazier by the second verse. It made the song a bit hard to follow. I found “we’re laughing about the things we used to do, without even speaking” to be a bit off the mark after the much stronger line before it. “The crowded streets will have never looked busier” was redundant. The bridge was a little stronger, and “I did it for, those splendid nights/departures that never arrive” was by far the highlight of the song. I did, however, feel that this was probably your weakest entry this season, as it really offered nothing thematically and in tone that I haven’t already seen from you this season, and the lack of structure (in stressing mostly, I realize your meter was spot on) in the verses made the song feel disjointed.

 

 

@funnellegs – The Inevitable End

Every step you take, every move you make I’ll be watching youuu. WOW a song (@ the Police). Of people that wrote daughter themed songs this week, this was one of the weaker entries for me. With such a strong storyline laid out for you, the metaphor overload wasn’t really necessary, and ended up muddling some of the emotion you could have conveyed in the song. The prechorus was loaded with clichés (“doubled edged sword”, “blessing and a curse”) that really offered nothing to the song. This felt a bit rushed, and along with your entry from last week, feels like a decline from phase one when it really felt like you were going to be a frontrunner. If you want to make it onto phase three, I’d really recommend trying to strip back some of the layers of your songwriting and allow your narrative skills to take the lead.

 

 

@UFO – Nothing Ever Stays the Same

“But I let him wander, wonder what he did wrong” YAS sis, love that line. I feel like this challenge was kinda made for you, and you stepped up to the plate this week, which I’m really glad to see following last week’s misstep. Your chorus was your strongest yet this season, with highlights like “But as the sun falls he falls with it too/It’s almost like everything stays the same/Every time he smiles the smile never stays” YAS. Your metaphors were complex, but it never felt like your emotion was contrived. You captured the themes of the story well, too. This felt like it could be a cool ending credits song to the movie or something. I did feel like the lines in the verses could be a bit tighter and more efficient, but this really was a big improvement from last week.

 

 

@Nait Phoenix – Change

This felt like a bit of a self-help song, in the sense that it was vague enough to apply to everyone, but not quite specific enough to really impact anyone. Meaningless phrases like “keep on moving forward/we’re only making it last” felt uninspired and almost lazy, as if even you didn’t believe the words you were writing. The second verse and bridge were a slight step up, and I almost believed you when you said “I’m not afraid to face what is coming/If I even knew, I wouldn’t stop running”, but the defeated overall feel of the song didn’t quite fit the hopeful theme you were trying to convey. I would have loved to see a bit more descriptive language, ties to the story, or even reference to yourself, but as it was the song didn’t quite live up to my expectations. You’ve had a lot of great weeks and a few misses this season, and unfortunately this was the latter.

 

[ceremonials]

talent has arrived 

 

[ceremonials]

5 minutes ago, Gastrodonatella said:

rainbow is still the best album of 2017 but TMYLM was cute

wow gay icon

[Jackson]

a mess, not me and ceremonials having like perfectly contradictory reviews for minho 

[UFO]

5 minutes ago, Jackson said:

@UFO – Nothing Ever Stays the Same

“But I let him wander, wonder what he did wrong” YAS sis, love that line. I feel like this challenge was kinda made for you, and you stepped up to the plate this week, which I’m really glad to see following last week’s misstep. Your chorus was your strongest yet this season, with highlights like “But as the sun falls he falls with it too/It’s almost like everything stays the same/Every time he smiles the smile never stays” YAS. Your metaphors were complex, but it never felt like your emotion was contrived. You captured the themes of the story well, too. This felt like it could be a cool ending credits song to the movie or something. I did feel like the lines in the verses could be a bit tighter and more efficient, but this really was a big improvement from last week.

biiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiitch now wait a minute this unexpected critical ACCLAIM asgdhfsjkfhaj     

 

 

I'm really surprised y'all liked the chorus that much nnnn it was the part of my song I was MOST worried about     omg thank you!     I honestly wasn't expecting you to like it this much sgjdfsdjf   but wait @ "a cool ending credits song to the movie" yaaaas

 

These kinds of challenges are definitely more my style. It really helped to showcase my strengths which are storytelling and emotion. Whew, I'm so glad it paid off!   

Edited October 1, 2017 by UFO

[ceremonials]

1 minute ago, Jackson said:

a mess, not me and ceremonials having like perfectly contradictory reviews for minho 

You LIEEEED.gif

[UFO]

My mood right now:

 

[smholiv]

whew

[UFO]

With this upward trajectory, my prediction that next round will be MY round are becoming more and more likely

whew, thank **** for the "phases" format this season. if this were a regular season, I would've been ELIMINATED last week

 

[Aurora]

15 minutes ago, Jackson said:

@Aurora – The Gift

The first gift was uncharacteristically lazy from you. “Without a care” especially was elementary songwriting, and it was difficult to catch the flow of the lyrics through clunky phrases like “plastic dinosaurs”. I like the themes you were setting up, but the execution could have been cleaner. Beyond the basic structural elements of your song, I really like how you set up the storyline without revealing what “the gift” was right off the bat. It built up a sense of anticipation and kept me actually interested in reading. The fact that you tied the story so heavily into your song was a pretty big risk. In some ways, the storyline didn’t totally connect, as one who is unfamiliar with the story wouldn’t understand the song, and would find certain lines like “she shared her daughter’s cruel design” puzzling. Even knowing the storyline, I didn’t fully understand what was going on until I read your commentary, which shouldn’t be necessary. I’m glad you chose to be ambitious, but it felt like your ambition allowed certain things to fall by the wayside.

You know the **** what, I actually hate you. Because of your little error writing "The first gift" instead of "The first verse", I went into the review thinking it was like your really bitchy way of saying "[This song is] the first gift [that was] uncharacteristically lazy from you." and I was going to DRAG you to the pits of hell and back because of the amount of effort I spent on that damn song.

 

But back to the actual review, I do get what you were saying, but it was kind of intentional? The first verse/chorus is looking back on when the subject is a little boy, and so I tried to keep the language somewhat elementary. I originally had some lyric like, "And left my toys abandoned in a mess" but Hug scalped me for the use of mess which ATRL has destroyed, and I definitely agreed. But I'm sad that vibe felt more like laziness than a choice. I didn't feel that the commentary was necessary, but I also understand how perspective (of being the writer) can skew things that you might see as obvious or apparent that actually are ambiguous or unexplained.  Overall it sounds like it wasn't a complete failure, so I'm glad I kept with the risky concept and did it somewhat justice. Thanks!

[UFO]

Quote

Every step you take, every move you make I’ll be watching youuu. WOW a song (@ the Police).

whew STAN, one of my favourite songs of all time      

 

also I'm surprised that people actually wrote daughter-themed songs omg   after reading the story I definitely did NOT want to write a song that had anything to do with the daughter, or even the mother for that matter. It's interesting how we were all inspired in different ways this round tbh   I like the diversity.

Edited October 1, 2017 by UFO

[UFO]

I think I really need to work on how to write verses tbh   cause my choruses and bridges are usually flaw-free but my verses are so messy..... nnn sometimes I don't know if I write too much or too little in the verses. I'm so extreme when it comes to songwriting, especially with my verses   which is weird cause I'm actually a really chill person irl  

 

-

NNnnn I sang the chorus of my song out loud for the first time and not gonna lie, it sounds like Stickwitu by the Pussycat Dolls   

Edited October 1, 2017 by UFO

[ceremonials]

hints x

it's time to switch it up

@Hug "LOVER TO LOVER"

 

@Aurora "RABBIT HEART"

 

@Gastrodonatella "DRUMMING SONG"

 

@MattyTacos "ONLY IF FOR A NIGHT"

 

@Tsareena "NEVER LET ME GO"

 

@minho "WISH THAT YOU WERE HERE"

 

@funnellegs "FALLING"

 

@UFO  "MOTHER"

 

@Nait Phoenix "CAUGHT"

 

@ultraviolence.xx "DOG DAYS ARE OVER"

 

@SaintWest "BIRD SONG"

 

@keshaspearsxo "WHAT KIND OF MAN" 

 

@mxtthewdelrey "SHIP TO WRECK"

 

 

@KatyCatPH  "BREAKING DOWN"

 

 

 

[UFO]

3 minutes ago, Gastrodonatella said:

@UFO it sounds like you're a contender for top 5 if not top 3 

sghfhds sis I don't want to jinx it because I've gotten positive reviews before and still peaked low

but YAS, at least I know I'm not last place this week   

Edited October 1, 2017 by UFO

[UFO]

1 minute ago, ceremonials said:

hints x

it's time to switch it up

@Hug "LOVER TO LOVER"

 

@Aurora "RABBIT HEART"

 

@Gastrodonatella "DRUMMING SONG"

 

@MattyTacos "ONLY IF FOR A NIGHT"

 

@Tsareena "NEVER LET ME GO"

 

@minho "WISH THAT YOU WERE HERE"

 

@funnellegs "FALLING"

 

@UFO  "MOTHER"

 

@Nait Phoenix "CAUGHT"

 

@ultraviolence.xx "DOG DAYS ARE OVER"

 

@SaintWest "BIRD SONG"

 

@keshaspearsxo "WHAT KIND OF MAN" 

 

@mxtthewdelrey "SHIP TO WRECK"

 

 

@KatyCatPH  "BREAKING DOWN"

 

 

 

OOP let me try and decode this

I can't wait for you to do AHS-inspired hints tbh    

 

 

[Aurora]

when i come in here expecting to make a post saying "when i come in here expecting to be tagged in pokemon hints but it's just cere talking ****" and it's actually hints but not pokemon but rather florence and i'm sitting here like

 

[ceremonials]

Just now, Aurora said:

when i come in here expecting to make a post saying "when i come in here expecting to be tagged in pokemon hints but it's just cere talking ****" and it's actually hints but not pokemon but rather florence and i'm sitting here like

 

i never said pokemon hints

 

 

1 minute ago, UFO said:

OOP let me try and decode this

I can't wait for you to do AHS-inspired hints tbh    

 

 

maybe for phase 3! Idk how id go about them, tho. Pokemon is the easiest.

 

[ceremonials]

4 minutes ago, ceremonials said:

hints x

it's time to switch it up

@Hug "LOVER TO LOVER"

 

@Aurora "RABBIT HEART"

 

@Gastrodonatella "DRUMMING SONG"

 

@MattyTacos "ONLY IF FOR A NIGHT"

 

@Tsareena "NEVER LET ME GO"

 

@minho "WISH THAT YOU WERE HERE"

 

@funnellegs "FALLING"

 

@UFO  "MOTHER"

 

@Nait Phoenix "CAUGHT"

 

@ultraviolence.xx "DOG DAYS ARE OVER"

 

@SaintWest "BIRD SONG"

 

@keshaspearsxo "WHAT KIND OF MAN" 

 

@mxtthewdelrey "SHIP TO WRECK"

 

 

@KatyCatPH  "BREAKING DOWN"

 

 

 

la bump

[Aurora]

1 minute ago, ceremonials said:

i never said pokemon hints

 

 

maybe for phase 3! Idk how id go about them, tho. Pokemon is the easiest.

 

no i lied to myself sis, i played myself

[UFO]

this entire time I've executed complex ideas in a complex way and I even executed simple ideas in a complex way NNnnn

but whew I think I finally found the balance: complex ideas executed in a simplistic way.

 

I had a complex idea this week and I executed it in a straightforward, simple way

and it PAID OFF I'm so happy

 

 

[UFO]

ok I have no idea what those hints mean LOL someone else do it for me pls

Edited October 1, 2017 by UFO

[Aurora]

well they're all florence and the machine song titles and some of them aren't singles so it's not chart peaks (I wouldn't think)

 

maybe related to length? or personal preference (does anyone have a link to cere's last.fm?)

[ceremonials]

Just now, Aurora said:

well they're all florence and the machine song titles and some of them aren't singles so it's not chart peaks (I wouldn't think)

 

maybe related to length? or personal preference (does anyone have a link to cere's last.fm?)

[MattyTacos]

36 minutes ago, Jackson said:

 

@MattyTacos – Ending Scene

Mess at you writing like the same song as Gastrodonatella. Because your songs were so close in my PMs, I’m going to compare them real quick. I thought Gassy did a better overall job at conveying the emotion of the story and translating it into song form, but I thought your imagery was a lot more vivid, and related well to the story. Your chorus was so close to perfection, and basically just needed a bit of extra editing to truly scalp. Something like “But every time I dream of sheep/your thought creeps in my head/If you leave this solitude/You’ll risk breaking our *something other than fortress because the stressing is wrong*”. IDK if you have people read through your songs before submission, but you really should because songs like this show you still CAN write great songs, their execution just needs to be a bit more refined.

Yeah, the thought creeps in my head line sounds a lot more better, I can definitely see where I need to improve. I only had one person read my song before I submitted ddd, but thanks a lot for this review!