UFO Posted September 3, 2017 Posted September 3, 2017 whew. I'm borderline hyperventilating right now and I'm not even in danger of being eliminated or participating in the comeback round "when you cry then suddenly someone else starts crying too for NO reason and you're like why tf are you crying bitch" teas
UFO Posted September 3, 2017 Posted September 3, 2017 2 minutes ago, Moonchild said: Sent in my scores. Batch 2 reviews will be later bc Jackson is making me do stuff for the next round. Wait so it was YOU? as well as Citrue Apology retracted! hopefully you gave me a 10 ahfhkfga
Citrus Posted September 3, 2017 Posted September 3, 2017 CitRuviews - Batch 2 EmojiClothes – If Looks Could Kill This was a really interesting concept, and I wish you had fleshed it out more. Contrary to most people in this game, your song as too short to really draw us in effectively. You had some decent language and the flow from verse one to the first chorus was pretty strong. Some rhymes are forced as hell (shielded/wielded, damnation/justification, sculptress/flesh, clown/crown). The issue with forced rhymes is they more often than not make you bring in words that don’t fit the tone of the song (clown in this case being the most egregious). I want you to focus on making your rhymes stronger and not feel like their sole purpose is to rhyme. Gastrodonatella – Persephone You know the **** what, there’s some little things here and there (using inside vs in, other examples where you could’ve changed a word or two to make it sharper), but this is great and a lot better than most people still in the game. I can even forgive you being uninspired and taking one of the most basic mythological tales. Covergirl – Lady in White First, “And think of your smile as the apples drop” takes me back to when I was younger and I would look out my bedroom window at the farms and fields around me in autumn and it was just so insanely peaceful. You made me get nostalgic for a second bitch. Pay attention to length and structure of some lines: “As my white lace dress sticks to my skin” is a little long because you don’t need dress, we understand what you mean by white lace alone. What I loved about this is that, although your whole song was about one thing (longing), you gave it a narrative structure that brought us along with you for the seasons. That’s what I mean when I always harp on giving us a story of some sort – we want to see change, whether in the character or in the world around them. Very good. Fefe did a good job ghostwriting this round, but if I catch it again I’m giving you a 1. She’s in a PhD program, she should know how to adapt to someone else’s style by now. PoKiTaurus – Promise Ring Mess, are you assuring your lover that you’re STD free in the chorus intro? Girl. I give you credit for going more off of the gods’ personality traits than retelling a specific story, but it just feels a little underwhelming. The biggest issue in this song is the way that it kind of distills the mythology to a generic teen pop song about love and sex. Like, the source material is strong and this waters it down a fair bit. Don’t be afraid to tackle those big inspirations, no matter how challenging they may seem. KatyCatPH – Zephyr’s Song I enjoyed the angle you approached this song from, and it mostly worked. The issue here is the rhyming and pacing. Story/eternity, rain/again, me/envy. Try to nail down what you want your lines to convey and add to the song before you pick the rhyme. Dylobs – The Dylogent Horticulturis This title is FAT, but what else could I expect from a FATTY. Deathly grimness is ugly and reductive, delete. This mythos is lowkey…dumb? I’m not knocking you for using the source material you did, but more that you didn’t elevate it enough. At its core, this is still a song that comes across as being a really inventive way of describing a professional landscaper. Good writing and it was creative so I’m adding points, but in the future pls write something with more of a focus and intent behind it. What do you want the reader to come away with etc, because, as is, this is a short story rather than a song. FCKNAmbrosia – Love Wine The biggest problem in this song isn’t the concept (cute, surprised no one else did vampires). Also, proofread to catch some of the small errors (you instead of your). Like a lot of people, you’re getting caught up in making things rhyme versus having them make sense. Sparks/marks, hot/heart shot, cheeks/speaks. The rhymes aren’t egregious on their own, but each of those in context is a phrase/saying that doesn’t exist or is otherwise forced and awkward. Try to be more critical of your rhymes because they should contribute just as much as the rest of your lines, story/emotion wise. Aurora – Loch Ness Love someone who actually does the hard part of the challenge and not the cop out. Slay. Last season I had some trouble connecting to your songs for a bit because they often felt a little too cerebral. Not in the high concept way, but, for lack of a better word, they could come across as kinda pretentious. In the finale you really slayed me, and you’ve nailed that balance between elevated language and accessibility. You are already a contender for the crown. Mxtthewdelrey – Black Dog My biggest thing I caught onto immediately was you directly mentioning the folklore in the song in a third party way “I’ve always been intrigued about / The folklore of ‘black dog’”. This throws us out of the narration you’ve established already, and it just kind of removes us as sympathizers to the narrator you’ve built to that point. WTF @ that chorus, jesus. That’s kind of Adore Delano in her new punk era, but it’s SO incongruous with the rest of the song hon. You have these sort of wistful verses and such before that and then this punk rock gorehound chorus. It doesn’t go together. Speezy – Break and Swallow Steel Girl not you making a Norse mythology sex song. This song is okay in terms of structure and rhyme, nothing scandalous or outrageously bad. The issue for you in this round is the creativity. Your song doesn’t match the originality of your mythos, and it feels comparatively weak because you essentially downgraded it to a generic sex pop song. Yeah, you referenced Fenrir in the bridge, but one mythological reference does not a cerebral song make. I know you’re good enough to write something higher concept, so I’d love to see that in the future. UFO – A Love in a Lie I lowkey stan for loveless lifetime, a cute alliteration. Freak lust brought me back out of the stanning almost immediately after, though. This was overall pretty good, but I think some cutting down would help. Not just because we’re lazy judges, but also because the more you write the more mistakes you can make. This critique is only for you though, because most people don’t give us enough and may need to write more. You give us enough to score – there’s character development, plot, emotion, etc, so we don’t need an extra 12 lines that don’t bring anything new. If your line doesn’t add something to the song in terms of character development, plot, or (rarely) SUPER good imagery, then you don’t need it. @UFO @Aurora @Speezy @mxtthewdelrey @FCKNAmbrosia @Dylobs @PoKiTaurus @Gastrodonatella @KatyCatPH @EmojiClothes @Covergirl
Citrus Posted September 3, 2017 Posted September 3, 2017 Just now, UFO said: Wait so it was YOU? as well as Citrue Apology retracted! hopefully you gave me a 10 ahfhkfga I was finishing my reviews, scores were done. MC went thru and rush scored without reviews xo
UFO Posted September 3, 2017 Posted September 3, 2017 2 minutes ago, FCKNAmbrosia said: sis wtf Nnnnnn I LOVE lemons I squeeze them on everything, eat them WHOLE whatever They literally don't taste sour to me at all - they're so sweet but maybe because recently I've been sucking too many sour... wait I forgot Hug is a mod, the WPs not worth it ajfhasdjgf
UFO Posted September 3, 2017 Posted September 3, 2017 Just now, Citrus said: I was finishing my reviews, scores were done. MC went thru and rush scored without reviews xo Mess
MattyTacos Posted September 3, 2017 Posted September 3, 2017 Just now, Jackson said: I'm gonna try and do results quick cause I have to leave in an hour Post round 3 first fatty
UFO Posted September 3, 2017 Posted September 3, 2017 (edited) 4 minutes ago, Citrus said: UFO – A Love in a Lie I lowkey stan for loveless lifetime, a cute alliteration. Freak lust brought me back out of the stanning almost immediately after, though. This was overall pretty good, but I think some cutting down would help. Not just because we’re lazy judges, but also because the more you write the more mistakes you can make. This critique is only for you though, because most people don’t give us enough and may need to write more. You give us enough to score – there’s character development, plot, emotion, etc, so we don’t need an extra 12 lines that don’t bring anything new. If your line doesn’t add something to the song in terms of character development, plot, or (rarely) SUPER good imagery, then you don’t need it. OMG THIS CRITICAL ACCLAIM I thought I was gonna get lashed? omg I love you sis I'll definitely keep that in mind! Being concise is definitely something I struggle with I love everyone *2 rounds later, UFO is dragging the judges saying he hates everyone cause they didn't like his song" ajflcashfjklas Edited September 3, 2017 by UFO
FCKNAmbrosia Posted September 3, 2017 Posted September 3, 2017 (edited) If my song charts above yours then your sing was trash Edited September 3, 2017 by FCKNAmbrosia
UFO Posted September 3, 2017 Posted September 3, 2017 Yas @ cITRUS stanning for "loveless lifetime" one of my favourite phrases I've written - it's so tragic but TRUE
Jackson Posted September 3, 2017 Author Posted September 3, 2017 Let's start off in the middle...... the closest contestants to the average are.... in 12th... @ultraviolence.xx 13th... @Speezy 14th..... Ms. @KatyCatPH 15th @MattyTacos
poki Posted September 3, 2017 Posted September 3, 2017 1 hour ago, UFO said: My #1 tip for forced rhymes would be: do not write a line because of a rhyme but write a line with a rhyme. Forced rhymes are a lot easier to avoid when you're not focusing too much on rhymes when writing - it flows more naturally. Sometimes I write certain lines in order to fit the rhyme scheme or whatever, but lately I've not been doing that as much. Make rhymes a second priority, I guess. Also, incorporating more slant rhymes are a good alternative although be careful because slant rhymes can sound forced as well. An example of a good slant rhyme: Feet are on the ground but somehow I can't feel the earth Distorted sense of time, I wouldn't mind if the truth hurts Everything should flow like a story when you rhyme. Everything should (more or less) make sense if you replace the rhyming word with a word that has a similar meaning. For example: Feet are on the ground but somehow I can't feel the world Distorted sense of time, I wouldn't mind if the truth hurts It doesn't rhyme but the lyrics still work even without the rhyme. It's all about making sure each line MATTERS in your song. If you read a line on its own and it doesn't add anything to your song then you should probably rewrite it. For example: I remember how you looked at me With the gravity of your eyes and the way I fall as you leave The first line "I remember how you looked at me" doesn't really add much to the song on its own. But it sounds much better with the second line because the second line is what's providing the imagery and the MEANING. You should try to avoid that. For example: I remember the you of yesterday and how you shattered me With the gravity of your eyes and the way I fall as you leave Everything makes sense and sounds more natural. Also, the first line "I remember the you of yesterday and how you shattered me" works on its own a lot better than "I remember how you looked at me" - just a few tips! If you want more advice feel free to hit me up! I'm not really that good with technical stuff either but I try my best Thank you so much for this
Citrus Posted September 3, 2017 Posted September 3, 2017 3 minutes ago, Dylobs said: thanks lol fair All your song titles make me learn a new vocab word
MattyTacos Posted September 3, 2017 Posted September 3, 2017 (edited) Wow 18 to 15, a season 6 tea with my dark horse 2.0 coming Edited September 3, 2017 by MattyTacos
UFO Posted September 3, 2017 Posted September 3, 2017 Just now, FCKNAmbrosia said: If my song charts above some of your songs than you're trash afgasfhkgasfjksahfjklsahfkjsafhkasjfhask SIS
touya kinomoto Posted September 3, 2017 Posted September 3, 2017 5 minutes ago, Citrus said: KatyCatPH – Zephyr’s Song I enjoyed the angle you approached this song from, and it mostly worked. The issue here is the rhyming and pacing. Story/eternity, rain/again, me/envy. Try to nail down what you want your lines to convey and add to the song before you pick the rhyme. Kang tore me. Jk thanks for the review.
UFO Posted September 3, 2017 Posted September 3, 2017 Didn't Citrus say he would be harsher? But why is his review of my song literally the nicest thing I've read in my life ajkfahsjf My song isn't that good sis ajkfahskjfsa Just now, PoKiTaurus said: Thank you so much for this No problem!
FCKNAmbrosia Posted September 3, 2017 Posted September 3, 2017 (edited) 1 minute ago, UFO said: afgasfhkgasfjksahfjklsahfkjsafhkasjfhask SIS nnn why are you always quoting my posts before editing them Now I look like a heartless bitch with improper grammar Edited September 3, 2017 by FCKNAmbrosia
MattyTacos Posted September 3, 2017 Posted September 3, 2017 Just now, UFO said: Didn't Citrus say he would be harsher? But why is his review of my song literally the nicest thing I've read in my life ajkfahsjf My song isn't that good sis ajkfahskjfsa No problem! Did you even read my review for your song
Citrus Posted September 3, 2017 Posted September 3, 2017 Just now, KatyCatPH said: Kang tore me. Jk thanks for the review. I'm sorry it was so short, I realized as I looked you got like 3 sentences n. But yeah that's just the thing I'd like to see you work on for next round if you're brought back. I brought up the same point in UFO's review if you wanna read his and see it explained in more detail.
UFO Posted September 3, 2017 Posted September 3, 2017 OMG let me not jinx anything but ajkfhaskjfashgjk
Citrus Posted September 3, 2017 Posted September 3, 2017 1 minute ago, UFO said: Didn't Citrus say he would be harsher? But why is his review of my song literally the nicest thing I've read in my life ajkfahsjf My song isn't that good sis ajkfahskjfsa No problem! I said I'd focus my reviews on picking out the biggest problem in each song and how to address it, and sometimes that can come across as mean because it's just like "this is wrong fix this"
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