discussion How do you know if someone is a true friend? How do you make true friends?

[Strawberry Bubble]

I've been struggling with trusting people and building genuine relationships my whole life. I do think that this is related with past relationships, being raised in a very homophobic environment and never having fun with the activities that are usually related with what men "should" do. 

 

I do think that, right now, in adulthood, this is related with friendships that ended in betrayal and moments where people I cared about let me down in ways I didn't expect. Over time, it made me close off and doubt whether human connection was even worth the risk (or if I'm capable of developing true friendships).

 

But recently, I've been trying to work through those fears and insecurities, to open myself up and give relationships another shot. The challenge is: how do you actually know if someone is a good, trustworthy friend? Is it about trusting your gut feelings? Or do you just need to spend time with people, hang out, and see how things unfold?

 

Also, what qualities do you think make someone a truly good friend? What's worth prioritizing in a relationship, and how can you tell when someone is genuinely in it for you versus when they're not?

 

[sugarysunflower]

If you're in trouble or a troublesome spot, no matter what they'll be there. Whatever capacity that takes, virtual or in person. 

 

That's the testament. 

[crymelanie]

7 minutes ago, sugarysunflower said:

If you're in trouble or a troublesome spot, no matter what they'll be there. Whatever capacity that takes, virtual or in person. 

 

That's the testament. 

came here to spill this FACT 

[Illuminati]

I don't put too much thought into it, you get to know them and over time you'll know if you've hit a wall with that person. Perhaps some event will take your friendship to the next level

 

Just be open to it all, imo even "fair weather" friends/acquaintances are worth to have if they are not a negative influence on your life

[kataraqueen]

To me, friendships are with people I enjoy hanging out with and learning more about. Really, it boils down to: make me laugh. If I'm not enjoying myself, I don't see the point in hanging out. 

 

I don't expect people to invite me. I don't expect people to give me gifts. I don't expect people to wish me happy birthday. If I feel like hanging out someone in a certain moment, then I'll hit them up. If everyone is busy, I do stuff by myself, I really don't care. I don't even expect my friends to be there when things get tough, and I don't really ask this of them either. 

 

I have a friend who I'm visiting another country for to celebrate his birthday with. But not once did I look at him and analyze his behaviour to see if we'd be fit for friendship. I simply hung out with him and enjoyed myself, and it went from there. 

 

If I were you, I'd simply see who's company you enjoy and take it from there. 

[Beyonnaise]

Like was said above. If something difficult were to happen, are you sure that if you reach out to them they'll be there for you? Or do your interactions with them lead you to believe you'd be bothering them, or that they wouldn't make the effort the way you would with them? I think that's the main dividing line.

 

Social media in the last number of years has propagated this hyper-individualist "I don't owe anybody anything" mentality. In a way this has thankfully weeded out a lot of people — once you can spot that kind of narcissism — that you don't actually need in your life. Probably my saddest friend breakup was because I realized I was putting forth effort to be there for her in tough moments but that my friend just saw me as one of her disposable acquaintances.

Edited January 6 by Beyonnaise

[ChooseyLover]

It's ****** up. You can be fine with this friend for years and never really argue or anything, and then something serious happens in your life and they let you down. They're not there for you.

 

My advice is, be wary of the friends who promise you things all the time, are very affectionate or say very nice things to you all the time. Sometimes it's not real. It's manipulation/love bombing.

[Blanket]

If they are there for you as much as they are there with you. 

[Gesamtkunstwerk]

My "true" friends are friends when I hang out with them, I can be myself 100% and vice versa. My social battery drains significantly less with them because they're just sooo easy to be around. If I ever need support, I can come to them and they would do their best within their circumstances, and they can of course do the same with me

[BOOMBAYAH]

Most friends you make in life are fair-weather friends or seasonal friends. I do think if you've been close to someone for like 5+ years and have been through sh*t with them then they're probably someone you shouldn't let go of. 

Edited January 7 by BOOMBAYAH

[dumbsparce]

It depends. You could be "true friends" with someone for a long time but eventually grow apart without any drama taking place. That doesn't mean they won't be there for you even if things got awkward somewhere along the way. As you grow up you'll realize that there are different types of friendships, including the very "best". Some people you feel comfortable with to talk about your day and hang out with on the regular and others you reach out to ever so often for the serious stuff and the baring of your soul. I've been on both ends and they're all valid.

Edited January 7 by dumbsparce

[Taylor fanboy]

I label them as friends or best friends to their faces, and then I observe their behaviour after setting some expectations  and boundaries with them.

 

I cut off those who don't live up to what was talked about.

[WEEKND]

Don't rush into things 

 

true friendship takes time. U can't become bestie with someone overnight 

 

it's important to nurture the friendship 

 

now on some practical advice 

 

volunteer (sounds corny but in my experience only kind good hearted and empathetic people do that so) 

 

try to join a sports team (dodgeball, badminton) or even a book club 

having stuff in common help 

 

online video games (it's some nice straight people on there 😂😂) gay too but I like to have a diversified friends group 

 

put yourself out there (cooking class, Spanish class, if you're a sober girl go to an AA meeting ) 

 

as for qualities: it's important to feel at ease. If u gotta work hard to maintain the friendship or if they constantly make u unsure about whether they like u or not 

drop em 

 

have standards. Rebuke anything that doesn't work for u. Life is hard. You've got no time for mind games and for second guessing stuff. 

[alexrex]

People that don't judge you and are there for you, no matter the distance or the time you have seen each other. 

 

You always know. 

[Maneater]

People that are there for you even when it might be an inconvenience to them lol

[Harrier]

When you're not a trusting person, a close relationship needs time. To speak from my own life experience, with my closest friend we talked online for 6 months - not even using real names in the beginning - then met, then I flew to visit him a few times, then he happened to move to my city and it's been great ever since. It took years for it to become the kind of best friendship you speak of. It's got to be a mix of both organic, but also you need to make time and put genuine effort into it, just like with a romantic relationship.

 

My other advice is to reject the common social media mantra of 'you don't owe anyone anything'. Actually, it's a virtue to be generous and self-sacrificing sometimes with people you think are worth it, because it's not all about you. There is of course a balance to be struck, but sometimes be prepared to be the organiser, to be the one putting in effort, and to be the supporter. It's worth it in the long run because it's rewarding to support people you love. And I even find it to be good for my mental health to be focused on family, friends, pets, my job etc rather than living in my own ego.

[Buffy]

15 hours ago, sugarysunflower said:

If you're in trouble or a troublesome spot, no matter what they'll be there. Whatever capacity that takes, virtual or in person. 

 

That's the testament. 

This! I've even had one friend fly all the way out to visit me when I moved out of state. There have been other examples of other friends going above and beyond, such as even taking me to the ER at 3 in the morning. They've shown up in the biggest moments of my life that mattered greatly to me and even in the smallest moments, whether it's going out to lunch or simply sitting down to have conversations with me.
 

I've read any friendships that last 7+ years is considered family. My close friends have been in my life for up to 20 years now. Time is a valuable thing. I've learned giving up your time for someone is a form of sacrifice. My friends could've chosen to do anything with their time, but they chose to spend it with me. That's one way you can tell when someone truly cares about you. I will say though that it isn't always a "true" measurement of friendship. I've had friends where we never really did social activities together (like going to the movies, out to parties, events, etc) because it wasn't really their thing BUT they always agreed to hang out with me alone. Some are extroverted vs introverted. So, it's important to know someone well enough to see that they value you in their own way.

 

My bond with each of my friends are also unique. They each bring me joy in different ways and they each teach me something new about myself. True friends will help build you up and be there to support you.

Edited January 7 by Buffy

[Nido]

 

It's what she sang in this song