discussion Have you ever dealt with rape/SA?

[YourFavoriteWeapon]

I first fell victim to SA at the age of 9 at a sleepover via my friend's brother who was five years older. I then faced sexual assault on school grounds in my sophomore year of high school in a hazing scenario, rape and physical assault during a late night Grindr hookup before I graduated high school in 2019, rape during a drunken hookup during the fall of 2021, SA at a night club while I was drunk in the beginning of 2022, and then another instance of full rape by three guys I met on Sniffies via roofies. 

 

To say that these instances affected my life would be a true understatement. While I never really thought about the incident where I faced SA as a child, the trauma started to resurface when it started happening again in my late teens and early adulthood. It not only made me develop hypersexual tendencies to the point where I'd get with multiple guys a day, but it also made me develop an affinity for extremely violent and kinky BDSM sex, even though I knew deep down I just wanted gentle and tender forms of affection but my mind told me I deserved the latter and that I'd never find someone to actually show me the love I was yearning for. The trauma also negatively affected my addictions and pushed me into drinking and smoking weed heavily and then eventually getting into cocaine/meth/opioids/benadryl as a way to escape (I've been clean for a while now fortunately).

 

I'm 24 now and have managed to heal and recover, but the trauma still lingers from time to time. It's made me develop a complete aversion to the idea of bottoming and penetrative sex to the point where if I'm touched down there I tense up and have an adverse physical/mental reaction. Being a "side" made guys not take my trauma or past seriously for the longest time and I would be told to "get over it" and "try to enjoy something every gay guy does" thinking that recovering from trauma so dark is that ******* simple . I'm blessed enough to have recently found a boyfriend who understands my trauma and how it operates and is very very gentle with me. He helped me learn to love sex and physical touch without feeling triggered or scared and made all my desires for the rough sex I knew I actually didn't like go away. He's sweet enough to the point where when we went to see Blink Twice in theatres the other day and were greeted with a lengthy trigger warning depicting rape and sexual assault, he grabbed my hand and told me we could leave without question because he didn't want me to be triggered. 

 

I'm making this thread to not only be a place to share our stories (if anyone is vulnerable enough to discuss a topic as this) but to also serve as a safe haven for those who have been through similar experiences as me and want to be there and show love and support to any member who has gone through it, whether their experience was years ago or recent.

 

I also wanted to share a tattoo I got at the end of 2021 called the Fire Rose Unity Survivor Tattoo, inspired by the loops of our DNA structure and our universal infinity sign. Lady Gaga created it and she was the one who inspired me to get it (she has it on her back iirc):

 

 

If you've been through similar things, know that I love you and I'm sending all of the support I can your way

Edited Saturday at 10:39 PM by YourFavoriteWeapon

[Saintlor]

I haven't experienced the level of horror you have went through, however I did face a doctor put his hand down my pants when I was 9, I pushed his hand and said no and thankfully it was left there.

 

I think it's so wonderful how strong you are, seeing your photo is a reminder that we never know what someone has gone though. I read every word of your post and I really felt for every word you said. Sending all my love to you  

[YourFavoriteWeapon]

3 minutes ago, Saintlor said:

I haven't experienced the level of horror you have went through, however I did face a doctor put his hand down my pants when I was 9, I pushed his hand and said no and thankfully it was left there.

 

I think it's so wonderful how strong you are, seeing your photo is a reminder that we never know what someone has gone though. I read every word of your post and I really felt for every word you said. Sending all my love to you  

Thank you for the love, I'm sorry to hear about what you experienced but am really glad it didn't escalate any further

Edited Saturday at 10:18 PM by YourFavoriteWeapon

[2NE1]

It's very brave of you to speak about your hardships openly. I know it's not an easy thing to do. I'm the same age as you and have experienced sexual assault throughout my childhood up until I met my husband. I hope you are taking good care of yourself.
 

[Space Cowboy]

No, but once I went to a gay party alone. Someone drugged me, and I don't remember anything that happened that night after that.
 

I woke up in a random house. The first thing I did was check if I was my ass was okay. I didn't feel any pain, so I assumed nothing sexual happened while I was unconscious. The owner of the house told me that I was pretty much a zombie the night before, but no one did anything sexual to me luckily.

 

It was a weird experience, though. I don't accept drinks of strangers anymore.

[YourFavoriteWeapon]

Just now, 2NE1 said:

It's very brave of you to speak about your hardships openly. I know it's not an easy thing to do. I'm the same age as you and have experienced sexual assault throughout my childhood up until I met my husband. I hope you are taking good care of yourself.
 

I'm doing the best I can. Both my outstanding boyfriend and therapy have done wonders for my healing and it's getting better

[DAP]

Twice, both as a teenager. I was groped in a hallway the first time and the second time happened in summer school, when the teacher left to get some supplies and a boy that was harassing me walked up to me, grabbed my wrists, and kissed me in front of a class of students that erupted in laughter and disgust, all within a span of 10 seconds. I zoned out until the teacher returned in what seemed like hours and just took it fearing I would be expelled if I fought him (which I probably would have, the school had a strict disciplinary policy). To this day, I can still recall my peripheral vision fading to black and trying to fight against the panic to maintain my composure. That was terror and humiliation I've never endured to that point and hope to never experience again. He gave me a non-apology the next day; I don't remember what he said verbatim, but I can recall he said something to the effect of "My family raised me to believe that homosexuality was wrong" and that's why he did. Let's just say that experience instilled lifelong contempt for Christianity. 

 

[Heysexy]

Such a brave post. I'm glad to see you are in a better place, you deserve to be happy! Wish you all the best!

 

this is the first thread I've commented on in a very long time, you story has really resonated with me! 

[Heysexy]

Such a brave post. I'm glad to see you are in a better place, you deserve to be happy! Wish you all the best!

 

this is the first thread I've commented on in a very long time, you story has really resonated with me! 

[Into The Void]

No i have not but I feel for those who have 

[YourFavoriteWeapon]

5 minutes ago, Heysexy said:

Such a brave post. I'm glad to see you are in a better place, you deserve to be happy! Wish you all the best!

 

this is the first thread I've commented on in a very long time, you story has really resonated with me! 

Thank you for the comment  That was very sweet of you. It really pleases me to know my post resonated with you. 

[YourFavoriteWeapon]

5 minutes ago, Heysexy said:

Such a brave post. I'm glad to see you are in a better place, you deserve to be happy! Wish you all the best!

 

this is the first thread I've commented on in a very long time, you story has really resonated with me! 

Thank you for the comment  That was very sweet of you. It really pleases me to know my post resonated with you. 

[Jotham]

There was a substitute teacher at my high school who would act very nice and friendly to me. One day as he was talking to me he grabbed the back of my shoulders and gave it a little massage, I didn't think he had bad intentions at the beginning but it did make me feel uncomfortable.

 

I didn't have him as a substitute teacher anymore after that. I learned a year later or so that he stopped subbing because students complained about him acting inappropriately toward them, and with that in mind it made me realize how creepy he was all along.

 

I looked him up on Google recently though and he's still a teacher, although at another district...

[WeFoundWill]

first of all you are seen and heard. 

 

second of all you need to see a therapist IMMEDIATELY (preferably a woman) to work through this bc I've been there too and it truly helps talking to a professional 

[Sheep]

Yes by an immediate family member who tried to penetrate me as a 12 year old while repeatedly telling me he could tell I was a f-slur and to stop fighting, while he was strung out on sleeping pills and barely coherent. For years it would replay in my head and keep me from sleeping several times a month and I would be trapped in trauma response for days at a time, seemingly with sometimes no trigger.

 

 

I'm avoiding posting on ATRL for the time being but wanted to interrupt that to post about my experience to say that it's been years since I had one of those episodes and healing really is possible, even if it sometimes feels like an impossible feat and to show support for anybody else who has experienced these kinds of horrible things. This was a very brave thread to make @YourFavoriteWeapon 

Edited Saturday at 11:16 PM by Sheep

[Mr. Peanutbutter]

Thank you for sharing your story. I'm glad you found a loving partner and I hope you continue healing.

Edited Saturday at 11:23 PM by Mr. Peanutbutter

[Roberto]

2 minutes ago, WeFoundWill said:

first of all you are seen and heard. 

 

second of all you need to see a therapist IMMEDIATELY (preferably a woman) to work through this bc I've been there too and it truly helps talking to a professional 

This. I was victim of both things and therapy has definitely helped me a lot.

[YourFavoriteWeapon]

4 minutes ago, WeFoundWill said:

first of all you are seen and heard. 

 

second of all you need to see a therapist IMMEDIATELY (preferably a woman) to work through this bc I've been there too and it truly helps talking to a professional 

 

3 minutes ago, Sheep said:

I'm avoiding posting on ATRL for the time being but wanted to interrupt that to post about my experience to say that it's been years since I had one of those episodes and healing really is possible, even if it sometimes feels like an impossible feat and to show support for anybody else who has experienced these kinds of horrible things. This was a very brave thread to make @YourFavoriteWeapon 

 

2 minutes ago, Mr. Peanutbutter said:

Thank you for sharing your story. I'm glad you found a loving partner and I hope you continue healing.

Thank all of you so much, it really means a lot

[Veckatimest]

I am so sorry that you've gone through this but am also glad to hear you have someone to support you  As I've grown older, it's been incredibly dismaying realizing how common these sorts of experiences are for queer men, and likewise realizing how difficult it is for us to even accept the reality of these experiences, let alone discuss them openly, because of the extent to which the position of alterity that we occupy in society makes us feel as though our experiences aren't worth sharing. They are, and I thank you for sharing your experience.

 

Without getting into detail, I've also endured similar experiences, including when I was a minor. It's been incredibly difficult for me form relationships with anyone as an adult as a result, regardless of whether it's a mere friendship or a relationship. It's honestly made me feel like I'm not worthy of either of those things and that anyone with whom I become close will eventually hurt me, and that in and of itself has basically shattered my self-esteem and sense of a coherent identity. I definitely feel you on the aversion to bottoming, I essentially haven't hooked up with anyone in 4 years  because of how triggering I fear the experience would be.

 

 

[YourFavoriteWeapon]

1 minute ago, Veckatimest said:

I am so sorry that you've gone through this but am also glad to hear you have someone to support you  As I've grown older, it's been incredibly dismaying realizing how common these sorts of experiences are for queer men, and likewise realizing how difficult it is for us to even accept the reality of these experiences, let alone discuss them openly, because of the extent to which the position of alterity that we occupy in society makes us feel as though our experiences aren't worth sharing. They are, and I thank you for sharing your experience.

 

Without getting into detail, I've also endured similar experiences, including when I was a minor. It's been incredibly difficult for me form relationships with anyone as an adult as a result, regardless of whether it's a mere friendship or a relationship. It's honestly made me feel like I'm not worthy of either of those things and that anyone with whom I become close will eventually hurt me, and that in and of itself has basically shattered my self-esteem and sense of a coherent identity. I definitely feel you on the aversion to bottoming, I essentially haven't hooked up with anyone in 4 years  because of how triggering I fear the experience would be.

 

 

Thank you for being vulnerable enough to share your story too. I appreciate it a lot and am sending you love

[Veckatimest]

18 minutes ago, YourFavoriteWeapon said:

Thank you for being vulnerable enough to share your story too. I appreciate it a lot and am sending you love

Thank you!

Edited Saturday at 11:42 PM by Veckatimest

[Kummercell]

I was r*ped by my first boyfriend at age 17. Took me over 3 years to even kiss a guy and another year to have sex again, but I'm doing much better now. 

[DirtyPony87]

 Not personally, but I deal with it in my line of work every day serving people who have. My heart goes out to you. Thank you for being so brave and sharing. 

[YourFavoriteWeapon]

5 minutes ago, Kummercell said:

I was r*ped by my first boyfriend at age 17. Took me over 3 years to even kiss a guy and another year to have sex again, but I'm doing much better now. 

I'm glad you are in the process of recovery and healing. It isn't an easy feat but I really believe in you

[Saintlor]

This is horrible to see that practically every response has said they have gone through it