discussion Am I the Bad Guy.mp3 in the fight I'm currently having with my parents?

[YourFavoriteWeapon]

5 minutes ago, bad guy said:

At first I was gonna ask if you were underage but…

 

 

Please. Long distance doesn't have the best track record but this is psychotic behavior from the both of them. I don't know you're dynamic but from reading this it sounds like you are dependent on them for everything and they in turn feel like they have control over you (I mean the fact that you were in tears begging over this is…concerning to say the least). I understand the "my house, my rules" thing when it comes to chores but when parents try and hinder their kids' social lives or progress is when it gets into narcissistic/control territory in which case you will find yourself at 34 dealing with this same problem.

 

Find a roommate and move out, or move in with your boyfriend if you guys are still together after a few months. That's the only way this will stop.

I would move in with him but he's 19 and living in a dorm so that's not feasible atm I was debating on finding a roommate in his city via Craigslist or something but for now I'm just gonna try to save up as much as I can to ensure I can move out hopefully by next spring or summer. I def do think both my mom and my dad could have narc tendencies, my dad has bipolar and my sister suspects my mom could have some type of personality or mood disorder. I just don't feel emotionally safe around them and for the first time since meeting my boyfriend I felt genuinely depressed and distraught over the way they were treating me, I can't handle verbal abuse or having them lash out on me when they already know I struggle with my mental health and my neurodivergency.

Edited September 6 by YourFavoriteWeapon

[Rihinvention]

I think you need to pay his mom back.

 

Tell your parents (and his mom) that you plan to do this once you get your first pay check.

 

Once your parents have calmed down a bit, they might be more on-board with you going. It shows you've got a job now, and you're getting your life together.

 

Emphasise that birthdays only come around once a year and can't be missed. You can't celebrate his birthday in 3 months time. Besides, 3 months time is exams/Thanksgiving/Christmas. That's actual family time.

 

Regardless of whether or not you go though, you should pay his mom back…$800 is a lot of money to someone who's struggling financially.

 

And even she wasn't struggling financially and $800 wasn't a lot of money to her, that's still what adults do.

 

Edited September 6 by Rihinvention

[Joey307]

That was unnecessarily long but no, do your thing and don't worry about what they think about it when it's not affecting them in any shape or form.

 

I understand if they feel like you're focusing too heavily on this instead of progressing your life forward in the form of work or other things but you're allowed to enjoy life while you're young and focus on those things at the same time. 
 

Have a good time. 

[Redstreak]

2 hours ago, YourFavoriteWeapon said:

Without getting too much into it she is emotionally volatile, some of my fondest childhood memories are her screaming at my sister and I at the top of her lungs and inviting the neighborhood kids over to destroy my belongings when I acted up. Her behavior is one of the reasons why my sister rushed to move out at 23. Like yeah I love my mom's sweet side and we get along maybe 70% of the time on a good month, but this little impromptu trip of mine set her off the edge to where she's been screaming at my dad for hours and according to him is now having a hissy fit in her bedroom.  I would love to take your advice and move out to live by myself, but it would be hard for me to apply for an apartment given that I have no credit and I doubt I'd be able to make enough to get by given that rent is CRAZY expensive here. 

This is literally abuse? She sounds like she has something majorly undiagnosed

[Joey307]

9 minutes ago, YourFavoriteWeapon said:

I would move in with him but he's 19 and living in a dorm so that's not feasible atm 

Um why are you 24 and dating a teenager? 

[bad guy]

6 minutes ago, YourFavoriteWeapon said:

I would move in with him but he's 19 and living in a dorm so that's not feasible atm I was debating on finding a roommate in his city via Craigslist or something but for now I'm just gonna try to save up as much as I can to ensure I can move out hopefully by next spring or summer. I def do think both my mom and my dad could have narc tendencies, my dad has bipolar and my sister suspects my mom could have some type of personality or mood disorder. I just don't feel emotionally safe around them and for the first time since meeting my boyfriend I felt genuinely depressed and distraught over the way they were treating me, I can't handle verbal abuse or having them lash out on me when they already know I struggle with my mental health and my neurodivergency.

I don't like to throw diagnoses around but it sounds like your mom is a textbook narc. Again the fact that she made you feel upset enough to cry to them over breaking "trust" tells me this is an extremely emotionally manipulative relationship and she doesn't have your best interests at heart. Your best interests are her best interests, essentially. And they're using whatever issues you may have as an excuse to keep you dependent. Literally the only option is to remove yourself. Easier said than done but yeah.

 

For the time being though I'd just live your life, be more independent, and also stand your ground more. If they wanna lash out and start yelling, stay as calm as possible because they want a reaction out of you and if you don't give them that satisfaction they will realize that you're not falling for their games anymore and slowly accept it. Worst case scenario they get even crazier in which case you'll just have to get the **** out of there 

[YourFavoriteWeapon]

13 minutes ago, Joey307 said:

Um why are you 24 and dating a teenager? 

Um because he's a consenting adult and a five year age gap is not that serious?   All of my exes have been significantly older so it's not like I have a pattern of doing this. I also had negative experiences with older men when I was 19 and I'd never want him to feel what I felt hence why I treat him right and care for him. You're the only person I have met to feel wary about this but I guess it's not coming from a malicious place. 

 

But thank you for wishing me a good time! Sweet of you sis  

 

18 minutes ago, Redstreak said:

This is literally abuse? She sounds like she has something majorly undiagnosed

My sister suspects she could have a mix of BPD and autism whereas I suspect she could just have rage issues coupled with C-PTSD caused by a very traumatic childhood. I don't know what she has but I do know the good sis got something  

 

7 minutes ago, bad guy said:

I don't like to throw diagnoses around but it sounds like your mom is a textbook narc. Again the fact that she made you feel upset enough to cry to them over breaking "trust" tells me this is an extremely emotionally manipulative relationship and she doesn't have your best interests at heart. Your best interests are her best interests, essentially. And they're using whatever issues you may have as an excuse to keep you dependent. Literally the only option is to remove yourself. Easier said than done but yeah.

 

For the time being though I'd just live your life, be more independent, and also stand your ground more. If they wanna lash out and start yelling, stay as calm as possible because they want a reaction out of you and if you don't give them that satisfaction they will realize that you're not falling for their games anymore and slowly accept it. Worst case scenario they get even crazier in which case you'll just have to get the **** out of there 

I definitely think she could be a narcissist even though she's never been diagnosed. It's always "me me me me!" with her and she rarely, if ever, takes anyone else's emotions into consideration. I have to walk around eggshells all the time around both of my parents because one wrong move and my dad is cussing me out calling me stupid and my mom is an inch away from my face telling me she hates me while screaming like a banshee  There's a reason why my sister moved out 

[Joey307]

5 minutes ago, YourFavoriteWeapon said:

Um because he's a consenting adult and a five year age gap is not that serious?   All of my exes have been significantly older so it's not like I have a pattern of doing this. I also had negative experiences with older men when I was 19 and I'd never want him to feel what I felt hence why I treat him right and care for him. You're the only person I have met to feel wary about this but I guess it's not coming from a malicious place. 

 

But thank you for wishing me a good time! Sweet of you sis  

I just feel like there's a lot of development between 18-25, and you have stuff to figure out yourself living with parents and all, which there is absolutely nothing wrong with, but hey if everyone's happy then that's great. And you're welcome! 

[byzantium]

First: I'm sorry. This seems like a lot.  
 

Second I see two issues here: there is the (1) trip issue and (2) a greater issue with the way your parents behave with you.  
 

On issue (1) you did nothing wrong really with regard to your parents here.  There might be reason for hesitation on the long distance relationship, the amount of money they are spending on you, or the age difference in your relationship, but a 24 year old does not need their parents permission and a polite heads up is all they should need. 
 

(2) it does seem like you should look to get out of there for your own wellbeing.  I know this is a lot, but I don't see how you can attend to your needs in this situation. 

[YourFavoriteWeapon]

Just now, Joey307 said:

I just feel like there's a lot of development between 18-25, and you have stuff to figure out yourself living with parents and all, which there is absolutely nothing wrong with, but hey if everyone's happy then that's great. And you're welcome! 

I understand your suspicions but rest assured that I'd never enter a relationship if I felt like there was a power imbalance between us. Despite the age difference, he's honestly much smarter than me and teaches me more things than the other way around.  I was honestly trying not to fall for him initially because I knew people would look at me weirdly for being with someone that's 19 at 24, but after meeting him and his family and friends I realized that people like and want us together. But yeah lol thank you sis  

[YourFavoriteWeapon]

6 minutes ago, byzantium said:

First: I'm sorry. This seems like a lot.  
 

Second I see two issues here: there is the (1) trip issue and (2) a greater issue with the way your parents behave with you.  
 

On issue (1) you did nothing wrong really with regard to your parents here.  There might be reason for hesitation on the long distance relationship, the amount of money they are spending on you, or the age difference in your relationship, but a 24 year old does not need their parents permission and a polite heads up is all they should need. 
 

(2) it does seem like you should look to get out of there for your own wellbeing.  I know this is a lot, but I don't see how you can attend to your needs in this situation. 

Honestly I think the underlying issue for them is that he's a guy. My sister (who is my only other sibling) is a lesbian and they didn't care when she came out but when I came out my mom came home drunk screaming and lashing out at me and my dad didn't talk to me for days  They're very much image obsessed with their little upper middle class Wisteira Lane type life and it's they think easier to explain one out of two kids being gay versus both of them being gay 

[byzantium]

1 minute ago, YourFavoriteWeapon said:

Honestly I think the underlying issue for them is that he's a guy. My sister (who is my only other sibling) is a lesbian and they didn't care when she came out but when I came out my mom came home drunk screaming and lashing out at me and my dad didn't talk to me for days  They're very much image obsessed with their little upper middle class Wisteira Lane type life and it's they think easier to explain one out of two kids being gay versus both of them being gay 

That's their problem to deal with though.  I feel like you need to have independence from that for your own wellbeing and personal development. 

[YourFavoriteWeapon]

Just now, byzantium said:

That's their problem to deal with though.  I feel like you need to have independence from that for your own wellbeing and personal development. 

I wish I was in a well enough place to move out but it's going to take me a long while to save up enough money, plus I'd need to get credit first and then find someone to live with. But thank you for the advice sis

[bad guy]

56 minutes ago, YourFavoriteWeapon said:

I have to walk around eggshells all the time around both of my parents because one wrong move and my dad is cussing me out calling me stupid and my mom is an inch away from my face telling me she hates me while screaming like a banshee

Ohhhhh…yeah you need to get out

 

 

Also having credit isn't always necessary if you just rent a room from someone or sublease from someone you know. Good luck.

[CristianGarcia]

Well you may be 24 but you still have a very immature mindset.

 

1.. long distance relationships never work, which is true and you already know your parents are against this. 

 

2. You don't have a job and you're not financially stable for yourself so why would anyone take you serious being stable for someone MILES away?

 

3. You've dated this guy for only 2 months.. Prbly only saw him once? And you disrespected your parents of 24 years by being sneaky behind their back. 
 

4. You live with them. Your parents are prbly more concerned with you getting your life together then burning a hole in some random guys moms pockets… and the saying goes nothing in life is free, and you'll pay for it in some way later. But this will definitely be a growing lesson for you.. 

Edited September 6 by CristianGarcia

[Rihinvention]

If your parents were happy for you (when you came back from the first trip) then I don't think it has anything to do with your sexuality.

 

I think it's because you're currently unemployed and his mom is paying for it.

 

I'll say again — you need to pay his mom back with your first pay check. If you tell your parents that's your plan, they'll probably be fine with it.

[YouSmellLikeHospital]

That's crazy. They are acting like you are 16. Go and enjoy your trip! Their irrational and controlling behavior is frustrating and will only push you away.

[Newt]

I think Cristian's post above is too critical and makes too many assumptions.  But there is something to be said that you can learn something from this. The entanglement with your parents is complicated and doesn't sound healthy. I think you really need to sit down and think about the type of relationship you want to have with them and come up with a plan for how to achieve that. Whether by gaining independence or working with them to reshape the relationship in pieces 

 

 I also think this is a lot of strong emotion for someone you don't know that well

[YourFavoriteWeapon]

58 minutes ago, CristianGarcia said:

Well you may be 24 but you still have a very immature mindset.

 

1.. long distance relationships never work, which is true and you already know your parents are against this. 

Long distance relationships have a 60% success rate and I've met plenty of people who have had successful outcomes. Respectfully, why are you being pessimistic knowing damn well long distance relationships have worked for some people? They're not against the relationship because it's long distance, they're just against me gaining independence and living my life because both of them love to control and berate me as a way to keep me in line. 

 

58 minutes ago, CristianGarcia said:

2. You don't have a job and you're not financially stable for yourself so why would anyone take you serious being stable for someone MILES away?

Me being stable or not stable for him was never part of what I discussed in my thread. I made the thread to express my frustrations regarding how my parents decided to enact verbal abuse and call me stupid while screaming at me all for doing something as simple as accepting a flight to see a loved one.

 

58 minutes ago, CristianGarcia said:

3. You've dated this guy for only 2 months.. Prbly only saw him once? And you disrespected your parents of 24 years by being sneaky behind their back. 

 

And they disrespected me by calling me stupid and screaming shrilly in my face for doing something as disrespectful as accepting a free trip knowing that they don't have to pay for a dime  That's objectively worse than anything I did, me choosing to fly out to see my boyfriend without running it by my parents when I'm 24 is not as bad as experiencing hours of verbal abuse to the point where my dad told me to stay away from home because he was worried how my mom would react towards me.

 

58 minutes ago, CristianGarcia said:

4. You live with them. Your parents are prbly more concerned with you getting your life together then burning a hole in some random guys moms pockets… and the saying goes nothing in life is free, and you'll pay for it in some way later. But this will definitely be a growing lesson for you.. 

The good sis burnt the hole herself by offering to get me the flight, saying that she wanted me to come back to see them. I didn't ask her for it and told my boyfriend I literally couldn't accept something like that from her until he begged me to agree to her flying me out to visit him and I obliged because I know he wants me to be with him, despite me initially feeling a bit of guilt given that she spent a lot of money even if it was his birthday gift  

 

30 minutes ago, Rihinvention said:

If your parents were happy for you (when you came back from the first trip) then I don't think it has anything to do with your sexuality.

I didn't say they were happy for me being in a relationship with him, I said they could recognize how happy he makes me. Two things can be true at once - they can recognize that my boyfriend makes me feel loved and brings me joy, but can also deep down wish that I turned out straight and like the "man" they always wanted. I said this in a few posts above yours but my parents were the same people who drunkenly lashed out at me after finding out I'm gay, they would definitely change it if they could because to them, it's "much easier to explain" having one gay kid versus both of your kids being gay. 

 

30 minutes ago, Rihinvention said:

I think it's because you're currently unemployed and his mom is paying for it.

 

I'll say again — you need to pay his mom back with your first pay check. If you tell your parents that's your plan, they'll probably be fine with it.

I don't think either of them were upset on behalf of his mom paying for it, my mom legitimately laughed saying "I don't give a **** about her money" when my dad told her she couldn't get any credit back for her flight on the off chance that I couldn't go. They're just upset because both of them love to control my life and dictate everything I do like I'm 16 when I'm ******* 24. They don't care about his mom's income or emotions, they care about controlling me and keeping a leash on me. 

 

21 minutes ago, Newt said:

I think Cristian's post above is too critical and makes too many assumptions. 

You think? 

 

21 minutes ago, Newt said:

But there is something to be said that you can learn something from this. The entanglement with your parents is complicated and doesn't sound healthy. I think you really need to sit down and think about the type of relationship you want to have with them and come up with a plan for how to achieve that. Whether by gaining independence or working with them to reshape the relationship in pieces 

I don't think there's any likelihood of me repairing my relationship with my mom until she gets proper psychiatric help for her unresolved trauma which causes her to verbally abuse me (and my sister prior to when she moved out, she moved out because she couldn't take my mom's treatment anymore). I would love to be on good terms with her but she makes it hard considering more often than not she treats me like **** and it's hard to look past the way I'm disrespected and tormented under their roof. 

 

21 minutes ago, Newt said:

 I also think this is a lot of strong emotion for someone you don't know that well

I forgot to mention this in my post, but we've known each other longer than we were dating. We were virtual friends for a little over a year prior to when we got together and made things official. I would not feel that strongly over someone I only knew for 2 months   

Edited September 6 by YourFavoriteWeapon

[Mephisto]

Your parents' reaction (especially your mom's) is completely irrational! They have absolutely no reason to go ballistic over something so innocent and something that will bring you happiness. I hope you move out of there asap and start living independently from them. That kind of environment can't be good for anyone. 

So yeah, you did absolutely nothing wrong. 

[YourFavoriteWeapon]

1 minute ago, Mephisto said:

Your parents' reaction (especially your mom's) is completely irrational! They have absolutely no reason to go ballistic over something so innocent and something that will bring you happiness. I hope you move out of there asap and start living independently from them. That kind of environment can't be good for anyone. 

So yeah, you did absolutely nothing wrong. 

Thank you. It'd just hard because I know both of them (more so my mom) acted irrational and outright abusive to me today, yet I still love them and want to repair our broken bond. I just can't accept being talked to that way. Like yeah even if I did **** up by not telling them about this impromptu trip before they got me the ticket that's not even close to as bad as getting verbally abusive calling me stupid and my mom going as far to laugh over the idea of her having a hand in a struggling mother of two possibly blowing $800 down the drain because she loves to be possessive and controlling while keeping a leash around her 24 year old son  It's just getting more intense in this household day by day and it's reminding me why my sister moved out, she eventually couldn't take the torment and harassment and I recognize that I'm at my boiling point with both of them (mainly my mom bc my dad and I smoothed things over someone) and I feel like one more insult or instance of any of them screaming at my face is going to send me off the brink. They're aware my mental health is very easy to ruin yet they're more than comfortable treating me like **** without caring about any of my emotions. 

[KatyPrismSpirit]

Why do your parents expect permission to travel when you are 24 …

 

Tbh I feel like this broils down to a few things. Your decision to not ask for permission but to inform them after the fact could feel disrespectful to them, especially if they're used to being more involved in your choices. They also might be worried about your reliance on your boyfriend's mom already because that trip is a little pricey. Maybe that made your own parents feel uncomfortable or guilty in a sense.  But considering this situation isnt even all that serious (you didnt do something extremely wrong in my eyes that justifies your parents reaction) especially your mother's extreme reaction might indicate deeper frustrations that aren't being communicated clearly… Maybe its time to discuss some things. I feel like there could be a underlying issue that has been going on for awhile that made your mom burst out this way. I obviously dont know all the ins and outs of your situation but speaking from my own experience, if someone's overreacting, it's probably buildup emotions. 

 

But at the wnd of the day You're an adult, and it's reasonable for you to make decisions about your own life, especially when there were no financial burdens on them this time.

 

 

[YourFavoriteWeapon]

16 minutes ago, KatyPrismSpirit said:

Why do your parents expect permission to travel when you are 24 …

Because they're both always acting psycho and love to dictate my life just because I'm still under their roof  

 

Thank you for the advice though and I appreciate your rather nuanced perspective. Let me give Spiritual a stream before I sleep (given that I leave for the airport in three hours dd)

[dumbsparce]

Your mom is overreacting but besides all that why even enter a relationship at 24 if you're not financially independent?? And a long distance one at that. I'm sorry to say this but it won't last under your current circumstances. 2 months in and it's already a chore just to go see him. You have way more serious stuff to sort out before you attempt to have a boyfriend.

[YourFavoriteWeapon]

3 hours ago, dumbsparce said:

Your mom is overreacting but besides all that why even enter a relationship at 24 if you're not financially independent?? And a long distance one at that. I'm sorry to say this but it won't last under your current circumstances. 2 months in and it's already a chore just to go see him. You have way more serious stuff to sort out before you attempt to have a boyfriend.

I'm starting my job next week and will be making money then. Like I stated in my original post, I just had health issues that kept me out of work for a while, but I'm not going to let that prevent me from entering a relationship with someone I care about and am willing to fight for, nor did he take any issue with that when agreeing to be in a relationship with me. I wouldn't have made things serious with him if I knew I wouldn't be working for the next few months but I start my job next week and will be financially dependent again.