discussion My OCD is taking over my life.

[YourFavoriteWeapon]

Like the title states, my OCD is taking over my life and I don't know what to do. I do want to preface this and say that this is going to be a lot and I dearly appreciate anyone who takes the time to read this and offer their advice.

 

I was first diagnosed with OCD when I was 11 or 12 after my mom started feeling concerned over my frequent tendency to do things in a numbered fashion - I'd put a knife back in the drawer and take it out and put it back in four times, I'd put a shirt back on the hanger and then take it off and put it back on four times, I'd change the volume from 23 to 18 but go back to 23 and then back to 18 four times, and I'd wash my hands four times in a row - you get the point, basically I'd do things in a numbered fashion and she noticed that it was not "normal" and instead an unhealthy compulsion.

 

As I got older, my tendency to do things in a numbered fashion only worsened and intensified. I would take three shots of vodka and remind myself that if I took one more I'd most likely blackout, but then force myself to take one more anyway because three (or anything divisible by 3) is a trigger number for me and I'd then face the consequences of drinking way past my limit. This started affecting my ability to get inebriated in a "healthy" way because I knew I was pushing myself to my limit but still doing it to prevent to do anything x amount of times if the number is one that is divisible by three. One of the worst of my OCD affecting my ability to engage in substances in a "healthy" way was when I had three hits of a bowl and knew the amount of weed I smoked was enough to push me into a near panic attack, but regrettably took a fourth hit which in turn made me even more paranoid. 

 

I've recently gotten in the best and most fulfilling relationship of my life, but in midst of me feeling like my best self with him, it's truly making my OCD worsen. I flew out to visit him in his hometown over a week ago and every time we were together my OCD would flare up. When we were on a dinner date together and he was sitting right in front of me, my mind was like "Okay, now you gotta move the straw to the side four times or else you're going to have a bad rest of your trip and break up with him." When we were listening to a song in the car and I noticed the volume was at a number that was divisible by 3, I freaked out on the inside and changed the volume despite him wanting it to be as loud as he made it. When I made him a playlist and I noticed I included three songs by the same artist in a row, I got scared and add a fourth song. When I'm texting him back and forth and I see his little speech bubbles as I'm drafting my fourth text in a row, IMMEDIATELY and frantically type as fast as I can to prevent there being three texts in a row before he responds. But the funny thing is as much as numbers divisible by 3 used to be my trigger number (and still kinda are), my brain is now telling me that 6 is an okay number because it's the number of initials in his name but 3 is still a no go for my brain.  It's even gotten to the point wherever I'm texting someone about how I want to marry him, my brain will force me to make sure my text response is eleven words long or make me go as far to text my responses in one word responses until I hit eleven in a row because his name has six initials and mine has five and my brain is like "Well if you marry him you'll see both of your names together on documents so make sure all of your responses pertaining to marrying him are eleven words long". I wish I could comprehend why my brain acts like this. 

 

I was wondering if anyone here with OCD has any experience with purely numerical OCD? I still do deal with other forms of OCD like intrusive thoughts and involuntarily saying certain phrases ("**** you"/"i hate you") out loud when I think of something embarrassing and/or traumatic and it's no doubt a struggle, but nothing comes close to my need to do things in a numbered fashion or else my anxiety goes haywire and my mind goes wild and superstitious thinking that doing something three/nine/twelve times is gonna ruin my life despite how I know that's an irrational fear. I'm so thankful both my boyfriend and one of my closest friends have OCD and because it makes me feel a lot less alone, but I'm hoping I can get some advice here too. Thank you all so much  

Edited August 27 by YourFavoriteWeapon

[Cesar]

my dad has OCD, his flares up when he gets off his meds. have you tried going down the pharmaceutical route?

 

or since your boyfriend and ur close friend have OCD, ask them what their experience is like, try to find something in the middle that works for you

[YourFavoriteWeapon]

7 minutes ago, Cesar said:

my dad has OCD, his flares up when he gets off his meds. have you tried going down the pharmaceutical route?

 

or since your boyfriend and ur close friend have OCD, ask them what their experience is like, try to find something in the middle that works for you

Thank you for the advice! My best friend is going through a very similar crisis whereas my boyfriend's OCD has subsided over the years. Both of them (especially my amazing boyfriend) have agreed to be there for me as much as they can. It's just hard sometimes because I feel so alone in this mental illness sometimes. I just want to get the proper help and potentially get on a medication that works for me before my OCD worsens. 

[BorderBoy]

Omg, I get this

 

Thank you for wording it out so completely perfect for me. I'll try to help out as much as I can. I completely understand how much this sucks and how much you feel like it's just a lot of work for you to do. However, this is ALL psychological and in your mind. Try convincing yourself that you'll do what OCD tells you to do but LATER. This is gonna help because you've moved on, you'll forget about doing it and so on and so fourth, you'll slowly start doing less numerous stuff. For example, if OCD tells you to do something or else something bad will happen to you, just say in your mind: "okay, I will do it but give me a minute..." then just get your busy with something else until your mind is off of that thought. This helps, at least, at times.

 

If you go to a therapist, they'd likely first suggest that you go through CTB before they give you medications. CTB needs time. Any recovery needs time.

 

Also, convince yourself that no matter how many times you do something (as in numerous fashion), you ain't gonna stop anything from actually happening if it's meant to happen. You'll only exhaust yourself both mentally and physically.

[YourFavoriteWeapon]

5 minutes ago, BorderBoy said:

Omg, I get this

 

Thank you for wording it out so completely perfect for me. I'll try to help out as much as I can. I completely understand how much this sucks and how much you feel like it's just a lot of work for you to do. However, this is ALL psychological and in your mind. Try convincing yourself that you'll do what OCD tells you to do but LATER. This is gonna help because you've moved on, you'll forget about doing it and so on and so fourth, you'll slowly start doing less numerous stuff. For example, if OCD tells you to do something or else something bad will happen to you, just say in your mind: "okay, I will do it but give me a minute..." then just get your busy with something else until your mind is off of that thought. This helps, at least, at times.

 

If you go to a therapist, they'd likely first suggest that you go through CTB before they give you medications. CTB needs time. Any recovery needs time.

 

Also, convince yourself that no matter how many times you do something (as in numerous fashion), you ain't gonna stop anything from actually happening if it's meant to happen. You'll only exhaust yourself both mentally and physically.

Thank you sister for the advice! I'm glad to see I'm not the only one struggling with this. I will try to utilize all the advice and coping mechanisms you gave me and keep you posted in regards to if my OCD is improving. I will also see if CTB is an option for me  

[Starchild]

 

31 minutes ago, YourFavoriteWeapon said:

Like the title states, my OCD is taking over my life and I don't know what to do. I do want to preface this and say that this is going to be a lot and I dearly appreciate anyone who takes the time to read this and offer their advice.

 

I was first diagnosed with OCD when I was 11 or 12 after my mom started feeling concerned over my frequent tendency to do things in a numbered fashion - I'd put a knife back in the drawer and take it out and put it back in four times, I'd put a shirt back on the hanger and then take it off and put it back on four times, I'd change the volume from 23 to 18 but go back to 23 and then back to 18 four times, and I'd wash my hands four times in a row - you get the point, basically I'd do things in a numbered fashion and she noticed that it was not "normal" and instead an unhealthy compulsion.

 

As I got older, my tendency to do things in a numbered fashion only worsened and intensified. I would take three shots of vodka and tell myself that if I took one more I'd most likely blackout, but then I'd force myself to take one more because three (or anything divisible by 36 is a trigger number for me and I'd face the consequences of blacking out. This started affecting my ability to get inebriated in a "healthy" way because I knew I was pushing myself to my limit but still doing it to prevent to do anything x amount of times if the number is one that is divisible by three.

 

I've recently gotten in the best and most fulfilling relationship of my life, but in midst of me feeling like my best self with him, it's truly making my OCD worsen. I flew out to visit him in his hometown over a week ago and every time we were together my OCD would flare up. When we were on a dinner date together and he was sitting right in front of me, my mind was like "Okay, now you gotta move the straw to the side four times or else you're going to have a bad rest of your trip and break up with him." When we were listening to a song in the car and I noticed the volume was at a number that was divisible by 3, I freaked out on the inside and changed the volume despite him wanting it to be as loud as he made it. When I made him a playlist and I noticed I included three songs by the same artist in a row, I got scared and add a fourth song. When I'm texting him back and forth and I see his little speech bubbles as I'm drafting my fourth text in a row, IMMEDIATELY and frantically type as fast as I can to prevent there being three texts in a row before he responds. But the funny thing is as much as numbers divisible by 3 used to be my trigger number (and still kinda are), my brain is now telling me that 6 is an okay number because it's the number of initials in his name but 3 is still a no go for my brain.  It's even gotten to the point wherever I'm texting someone about how I want to marry him, my brain will force me to make sure my text response is eleven words long or make me go as far to text my responses in one word responses until I hit eleven in a row because his name has six initials and mine has five and my brain is like "Well if you marry him you'll see both of your names together on documents so make sure all of your responses pertaining to marrying him are eleven words long". I wish I could comprehend why my brain acts like this. 

 

I was wondering if anyone here with OCD has any experience with purely numerical OCD? I still do deal with other forms of OCD like intrusive thoughts and involuntarily saying certain phrases ("**** you"/"i hate you") out loud when I think of something embarrassing and/or traumatic and it's no doubt a struggle, but nothing comes close to my need to do things in a numbered fashion or else my anxiety goes haywire and my mind goes wild and superstitious thinking that doing something three/nine/twelve times is gonna ruin my life despite how I know that's an irrational fear. I'm so thankful both my boyfriend and one of my closest friends have OCD and because it makes me feel a lot less alone, but I'm hoping I can get some advice here too. Thank you all so much  

 

I'm so sorry you're going through this, we come to an age where our problems get worse sadly, I have OCD too though through very traumatic experiences I infected my whole life with it, I still do numbered things but just a bit so people dont bring it up, I meticulously clean every space im in, my anxiety I'll say isn't overwhelming but I sometimes wish it was because that would come in just big outbursts sometimes but it's just a small voice in my head every day 24/7 in anything i do and so much other stuff I just don't feel like typing 

 

I guess what I'm trying to say is please take advantage of counseling or if you need it, medication, I know I'm not too trusting of big pharma and all that but that's sadly up to us to figure what we need, what works, how to deal etc I hope you never feel alone in it and if you ever need to talk please reach out 

[YourFavoriteWeapon]

Just now, Starchild said:

 

 

I'm so sorry you're going through this, we come to an age where our problems get worse sadly, I have OCD too though through very traumatic experiences I infected my whole life with it, I still do numbered things but just a bit so people dont bring it up, I meticulously clean every space im in, my anxiety I'll say isn't overwhelming but I sometimes wish it was because that would come in just big outbursts sometimes but it's just a small voice in my head every day 24/7 in anything i do and so much other stuff I just don't feel like typing 

 

I guess what I'm trying to say is please take advantage of counseling or if you need it, medication, I know I'm not too trusting of big pharma and all that but that's sadly up to us to figure what we need, what works, how to deal etc I hope you never feel alone in it and if you ever need to talk please reach out 

Thank you so much, I really appreciate all the kind words  

[suburbannature]

I have a purely internal/cognitive OCD that's very different from the stereotypical version of OCD so it's hard for people to understand. My compulsions are like frequent internal checking in an attempt to negate repetitive cognitions, usually about something being wrong with me.

[YourFavoriteWeapon]

5 minutes ago, suburbannature said:

I have a purely internal/cognitive OCD that's very different from the stereotypical version of OCD so it's hard for people to understand. My compulsions are like frequent internal checking in an attempt to negate repetitive cognitions, usually about something being wrong with me.

I deal with these too, just not to the extent as my numerical OCD. I definitely am stressing over my health and if people actually like/hate me but people think the latter could be autism or BPD dddd.

[Flanders]

I feel for you, that sounds exhausting. I think you should seek some professional help and see if you could learn some techniques to improve, and possibly medication if you need that. Good luck!

[BorderBoy]

18 minutes ago, YourFavoriteWeapon said:

Thank you sister for the advice! I'm glad to see I'm not the only one struggling with this. I will try to utilize all the advice and coping mechanisms you gave me and keep you posted in regards to if my OCD is improving. I will also see if CTB is an option for me  

Absolutely.

[YourFavoriteWeapon]

11 minutes ago, Flanders said:

I feel for you, that sounds exhausting. I think you should seek some professional help and see if you could learn some techniques to improve, and possibly medication if you need that. Good luck!

 

7 minutes ago, BorderBoy said:

Absolutely.

Thank you both so so much  

[heckinglovato]

Have you tried weed cookies? Alternatively, Xanax maybe?

 

Edit: idk why I said weed cookies instead of "edibles"  actually smaller gummy bear edibles could probably be more helpful in that case 

Edited August 27 by heckinglovato

[YourFavoriteWeapon]

20 minutes ago, heckinglovato said:

Have you tried weed cookies? Alternatively, Xanax maybe?

 

Edit: idk why I said weed cookies instead of "edibles"  actually smaller gummy bear edibles could probably be more helpful in that case 

THC in edible form actually gives me so much anxiety dd. Thank you for the advice though!  

[Shinning]

Have you tried rehab?

 

I'm not being facetious I know someone that went to a clinic for a couple of months to treat her OCD.

[legendlavigne]

I just started Zoloft last week for my debilitating OCD. I'm hopeful it will help, along with CBT. Hang in there. I know how painful OCD is - it truly is evil and has taken years from me. No matter how irrational it can be it feels SO real. Sending you so much love and strength. Also, It's important to remember flare ups are real and apart of recovery. 

[duybeeGAshantiGA]

I used to be like this when I was young (as a kid and teenager) but as time went by it got less and less because I realised that there's really no point. It's hard at first but you have to be stronger and win yourself. Your ownself is your worst enemy. Nothing helps you unless you want to change. Be stronger and win it!

[YourFavoriteWeapon]

8 minutes ago, Shinning said:

Have you tried rehab?

 

I'm not being facetious I know someone that went to a clinic for a couple of months to treat her OCD.

Don't worry about coming across as facetious given that I know a few people who sought OCD treatment in a rehab facility. I've been to rehab for addiction and suicidal thoughts but never OCD. I'm not vehemently opposed to the idea but I'm unsure if I'd be open to being away from my home and family for such a prolonged period unless my life and/or sobriety was in jeopardy. It's something I'll absolutely consider though. Thank you for the advice dude!  

[mons†er]

You're incredibly brave and tenacious for sharing your story. I applaud you and I'm championing you to get this under control. 

 

I take adderall for my OCD and it has happened immensely with my own ordeal. I don't do things in a number fashion, but everything I touch or someone else touches HAS to be put back in the right place, with the tags facing the same way, in height order. Even with clothes, they all have to be filled the exact same way, in a color wave from lightest to darkest, depending on if it has graphics, etc. You're not alone and you're blessed to have people in your corner. 

 

I would say maybe try speaking to a therapist to figure out exactly where this stems from. It also wouldn't hurt to start maybe look into a pharmaceutical solution. I would recommend having regular check-ins with your doctor to ensure you don't develop bad habits or dependency. Unfortunately now I depend on my adderall to function in everyday life and I hate it so much. Wishing you the best love. 

[YourFavoriteWeapon]

1 minute ago, mons†er said:

You're incredibly brave and tenacious for sharing your story. I applaud you and I'm championing you to get this under control. 

 

I take adderall for my OCD and it has happened immensely with my own ordeal. I don't do things in a number fashion, but everything I touch or someone else touches HAS to be put back in the right place, with the tags facing the same way, in height order. Even with clothes, they all have to be filled the exact same way, in a color wave from lightest to darkest, depending on if it has graphics, etc. You're not alone and you're blessed to have people in your corner. 

 

I would say maybe try speaking to a therapist to figure out exactly where this stems from. It also wouldn't hurt to start maybe look into a pharmaceutical solution. I would recommend having regular check-ins with your doctor to ensure you don't develop bad habits or dependency. Unfortunately now I depend on my adderall to function in everyday life and I hate it so much. Wishing you the best love. 

Thank you for the kind words and for sharing your story and struggles. I applaud you for getting through it too. I hope you are able to manage it without needing adderall because I was on it at a younger age and later developed a severe addiction to it in my late teens and it was not fun. We will get through this together  Thank you so much for helping me out with your advice. 

[Mezik]

I work in an OCD Centre.

 

Are you connect with a therapist who specializes in Exposure Response Prevention or I-CBT? As well are there any inpatient Intensive OCD Treatment Programs you can get into?

 

In terms of medication have you trialed Clomipramine yet? I have seen it be a miracle medication. 

 

Check out iocdf.org too - it has a directory of resources available, especially if you're in U.S/U.K/Australia.

[YourFavoriteWeapon]

1 hour ago, Mezik said:

I work in an OCD Centre.

 

Are you connect with a therapist who specializes in Exposure Response Prevention or I-CBT? As well are there any inpatient Intensive OCD Treatment Programs you can get into?

 

In terms of medication have you trialed Clomipramine yet? I have seen it be a miracle medication. 

 

Check out iocdf.org too - it has a directory of resources available, especially if you're in U.S/U.K/Australia.

Thank you for sending those resources! I will check it out tonight  

[KillingYourCareer]

Omg, I completely understand you as I face your same issues. When someone sneezes I just say "salute grazie prego" (bless you thanks you're welcome) no matter what, and it's the same for me with the volume thing - it has to be divisible by 3! All I can tell you is: take all your strength to force yourself not to let the OCD out! It's great effort but it's the only way.

[HeddaO]

Keep your head up, it gets better! My OCD was never on that level, but my anxiety and muscle spasms were. Therapy and meds work, so do the books, but at the end those are just helping tools, you have to find the strength to surrender, however silly that sounds. The book that helped me the most is The Anxiety and Phobia Workbook by Edmund Bourne. 

 

love ya 

[YourFavoriteWeapon]

26 minutes ago, HeddaO said:

Keep your head up, it gets better! My OCD was never on that level, but my anxiety and muscle spasms were. Therapy and meds work, so do the books, but at the end those are just helping tools, you have to find the strength to surrender, however silly that sounds. The book that helped me the most is The Anxiety and Phobia Workbook by Edmund Bourne. 

 

love ya 

Thank you so much for the help, i love ya too