Last Boy on Earth Posted July 15 Posted July 15 I'm sorry it's 2024, I can't believe grown ass adults still believe men are to be trusted 2
Cyanide Posted July 15 Posted July 15 3 hours ago, Oktober Knight said: Yes I was trying to dodge confusion for the members that didn't know So may as well give the full spectrum. My husband stopped using the apps early on and he doesn't give AF about our bf chatting with other guys. HOWEVER, he did say that if it bothers me so much that I need to speak up. And if our bf isn't willing to comply then a decision needs to be made. My husband is very neutral in this situation. Wait 1
katara Posted July 15 Posted July 15 2 minutes ago, Last Boy on Earth said: I'm sorry it's 2024, I can't believe grown ass adults still believe men are to be trusted It depends. You know how some men give off that nice & faithful nerd vibe? I feel like only those can be trusted. If a man gives off playboy/flirty vibes he WILL f**k around even in a mono relationship. 1
Rotunda Posted July 15 Posted July 15 3 hours ago, Oktober Knight said: WE have a bf, it's not like I have a relationship with him separately, we're all in this together. Judging by your own messages yall actually aren't. . These are three people with three different ideas of relationships.
katara Posted July 15 Posted July 15 44 minutes ago, iHype. said: OP you honestly give scary level of narcissist/manipulative. 1. People who tend to have multiple partners are narcissists even if the partners in question are okay with it. (Just imagine how narcissistic men with 10 wives are) 2. From the information given it seems you are the ones who sets the controls and boundaries on all ends. You told your husband you wanted to open the relationship into 3, while also you are telling the third person how they should operate. 3. You specifically knew positioning the story as a monogamous relationship when telling it would work completely in your favor and acted like you just casually decided not to be transparent. I find it hard to believe every detail you left out was something you weren't purposely aware would make your character come off questionable. The best advice I have is to simply recognize this all looks a mess and should probably be ended to save all parties trouble if you clearly aren't on the same page with the dynamics of the relationship. I don't want to be judgemental but this seems spot on. I have seen OP post some very racy pics in The Roof frequently. Like why would you need to fish for attention of gay strangers when you have 2 men at home? The need for attention/validation must be astronomical and definetely narc level. 2
Rotunda Posted July 15 Posted July 15 I get the vibe that OP and his husband are like 40 and the boytoy is some 20 year old midlife crisis they think they can tame. 4
X~MoviePoP Posted July 15 Posted July 15 3 hours ago, Illuminati said: I'm kinda in the same situation right now. Exclusively hooking up and it was his suggestion to not see other guys. Acting like a couple for over a year and all, but we're not really together. It always feels like it will all go away any moment. I take the fact that he's often on grindr as a confirmation that he's always gonna look for more and instead of trying to lock him down against his will I just try to enjoy his company without putting any future hopes into it But dont you get jealous or think of the other guys hes getting the d/butt from? Id feel pissed ...i literally was so upset when i first caught him on grindr..and when he would act like he was only "looking at pics"
Peroxide Posted July 15 Posted July 15 You could try and having one account that you both have access to… If his goal is to genuinely make friends then there's no reason why you can't come as a package. That way you'll have oversight of the back and forth. I was with my ex boyfriend for 4 years and we were open/using apps… it wasn't always easy but we made it work. The second one of us didn't feel comfortable - we took a break. Open relationships aren't always the answer but I don't like how most people here are demonising them without a second thought - they aren't all bad.
Cheers Posted July 15 Posted July 15 20 minutes ago, Rotunda said: I get the vibe that OP and his husband are like 40 and the boytoy is some 20 year old midlife crisis they think they can tame. Hmmm let's ask @Oktober Knight what're the ages of the parties involved?
Cheers Posted July 15 Posted July 15 42 minutes ago, katara said: It depends. You know how some men give off that nice & faithful nerd vibe? I feel like only those can be trusted. Oh no those are some of the worst ones! They're the ones sending ridiculously corny flirty messages like the Adam Levine leaks
iiswhoiis_max Posted July 15 Posted July 15 I have read all pages and still don't know whats going on. I need a hug 3
Rotunda Posted July 15 Posted July 15 13 minutes ago, Peroxide said: You could try and having one account that you both have access to… If you want the dynamic of a parent monitoring their child's social media behavior, sure
Oktober Knight Posted July 15 Author Posted July 15 2 hours ago, tost1 said: But if your husband still wants to be with him or vice versa? Wouldn't that be weird? No no, my husband and I closed shortly before we met him. It was a trail run so to speak while we were traveling for work. 2 hours ago, Littlejfrey said: Now why this thread reminded me of this? I don't know, this is exactly why I wouldn't be in an open relationship, it all gets too complicated and limits get confusing if you are in a open relationship with your husband, why can't the other guy be in a open relationship with other people? Ok, so you guys talked and agreed it was a closed relationship between the three of you, but it just not logical! Why you guys can but he can't? You're either open, or closed, not this in between situation... you can't have it all sis. 2 of us want to be closed (hubby didn't care either way but leaned towards being closed) and our bf wants to stay open. 22 minutes ago, Cheers said: Hmmm let's ask @Oktober Knight what're the ages of the parties involved? Oooh boy que the mess... I'm 39, husband is 60, our bf is 28. 5
Cheers Posted July 15 Posted July 15 4 minutes ago, Oktober Knight said: I'm 39, husband is 60, our bf is 28. Oh my. @Rotunda not you being somewhat right
Thuggin Posted July 15 Posted July 15 5 minutes ago, Oktober Knight said: No no, my husband and I closed shortly before we met him. It was a trail run so to speak while we were traveling for work. 2 of us want to be closed (hubby didn't care either way but leaned towards being closed) and our bf wants to stay open. Oooh boy que the mess... I'm 39, husband is 60, our bf is 28. Come on OP, do you actually see this going somewhere long term? Can you actually say everyone in this situation is mutually into one another and has the same intentions? This just seems like so much more trouble than it's worth 1
Peroxide Posted July 15 Posted July 15 22 minutes ago, Rotunda said: If you want the dynamic of a parent monitoring their child's social media behavior, sure You can look at it that way, but it establishes transparency. Trust is something that takes years to build in a partnership.
Namie-Knowles Posted July 15 Posted July 15 (edited) Now OP I am not one of those people who scream up and down "ONLY GAYS HAVE BAD RELATIONSHIPS LETS BE LIKE THE STRAIGHTS". Because both straight monogamous relationships and gay monogamous ones are in HELL. People are assholes regardless of sexuality and relationships are complicated regardless of sexuality. Ask any straight woman her experiences with straight men and it's just a straight up horror story. So I won't be trying to be a "pick me!" sort of gay and bash you for not being in a monogamous traditional relationship. BUT This whole thing is stank and rank as hell. Aside from the fact that your husband was 31 when your boyfriend was 0 years old, the dynamics in this relationship seem far too unbalanced and toxic. I am not even sure why a 58 year old man (at the time) would even ask you to open up a relationship like this? Maybe he wasn't fulfilling your needs sexually or vice versa (I don't know if men in their early to late 60's still get horny) but chile this is ghetto! You are NOT compatible with this boyfriend boo you just aren't. He obviously is still young and wants to chat to other guys and have fun. He should've remained a fling rather than an actual BF. You aren't ready for this emotionally because now you are going to feel constantly insecure and afraid he might hook up with other men 24/7. However the odds of you loosening the rules and expectations you've set up so that it isn't tight around your BF's neck or just pulling away from him entirely to figure out the right course or actions to take is slim to none. So it'll be a slow motion train wreck and I hope you've prepared yourself. Edited July 15 by Namie-Knowles 3
Rotunda Posted July 15 Posted July 15 3 minutes ago, Peroxide said: You can look at it that way, but it establishes transparency. Trust is something that takes years to build in a partnership. The issue is that the trust has already been frayed. It's one thing to set up a boundary at the beginning of a dynamic, it's another thing to try and retrofit norms after your boundary has already been violated. This is someone in their 20s being asked to commit to a pair where one is 60 and one almost 40, and where only one person in this trio actually cares about exclusivity. 4
Namie-Knowles Posted July 15 Posted July 15 (edited) 3 minutes ago, Rotunda said: The issue is that the trust has already been frayed. It's one thing to set up a boundary at the beginning of a dynamic, it's another thing to try and retrofit norms after your boundary has already been violated. This is someone in their 20s being asked to commit to a pair where one is 60 and one almost 40, and where only one person in this trio actually cares about exclusivity. BINGO! That is the issue is trust has been broken and the dynamics is so unbalanced and sooooo ripe for toxicity and manipulation. To be fair it looks like the relationship is going to be someone whos 30, the other 40, and the last 60. But still. Edited July 15 by Namie-Knowles
toast Posted July 15 Posted July 15 chile... Okay so hear me out. Maybe the issue isn't with the bf. Maybe the issue is that you and your husband are on different pages about the terms of having a bf together. If you care about what the bf does and he doesn't, that's a sign that the two of you need to talk to each other and agree on what the throuple is going to look like. If your husband is your primary partner, that relationship comes first. Come up with some terms, talk to the bf together, and see if he is willing to agree to that. If he's not, just keep him as a regular hookup or s/t. 2
Rotunda Posted July 15 Posted July 15 6 minutes ago, Namie-Knowles said: BINGO! That is the issue is trust has been broken and the dynamics is so unbalanced and sooooo ripe for toxicity and manipulation. To be fair it looks like the relationship is going to be someone whos 30, the other 40, and the last 60. But still. True I'm probably overemphasizing the age issue here, but it does seem like everyone is on a separate page in this relationship, and OP is going to have a hard time getting the bf on board when OP is the only one being adamant about these boundaries.
Davidoff Posted July 15 Posted July 15 5 hours ago, Lagerfeld said: OH. You have a HUSBAND and a boyfriend? The nerve. Ikr! here I was feeling bad about him being taken advantage of and little did I know it's what she deserves
Namie-Knowles Posted July 15 Posted July 15 1 minute ago, Rotunda said: True I'm probably overemphasizing the age issue here, but it does seem like everyone is on a separate page in this relationship, and OP is going to have a hard time getting the bf on board when OP is the only one being adamant about these boundaries. Exactly. One partner doesn't give a damn about what the BF does and the other does care to the point that it is unreasonable and bordering on controlling. OP is moving like he's in a monogamous relationship with the BF too while the husband is moving like he's just a FWB. They aren't on the same page and it seems as if OP is only begrudgingly accepting that the BF can use Grindr to flirt and swap nudes but not actually truly doing so. He is compromising but since its a compromise he never wanted he is getting envious (ex. his responses to guys are "I'M doing fine" or "I'M just hanging out at home" and it's never "WE'RE hanging out at home" or "I'm with my bf."). This sort of jealousy over something as minor as this which isn't even passing boundaries? Yeah, OP isn't ready for this. It is no wonder it was his husband that suggested opening up the relationship two years ago. OP doesn't seem like the type who can handle a poly-relationship. They should've just kept it open and kept it at that rather than making it poly.
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