chosensparkles Posted July 14 Posted July 14 Hi, just wanted to get your opinion on certain things: I started talking to this guy from Tinder 2 months ago, we met like a week later and it was really fun, we both had a great time and great chemistry from the get go. We spent the rest of the afternoon kissing and talking. The next day we decided to see each other the following day and that 2nd date went extremely well. We talked every day, laughing and sharing personal stuff. He always made sure to check on me and let me know everything he was doing. That weekend we had another talk where we both admitted to each other that we really liked each other and that even though we both werent looking for a relationship right now, we were open to it. He was more insecure than I was about the whole thing, not being sure I really liked him. Anyway we saw each other again a few days later and we went to his place and almost had sex. He was the one to stop it bc I had to catch my train. and the following Sunday, we made plans to have a 4th date the next day. During those weeks, we really opened up about liking each other and the feeling we got when we were together. 4th date happens and it goes really smoothly, he makes sure to let me know we wouldn't have sex that day cause he likes how we are taking it slow and getting to know each other. That same week, we once again talked about where we were at in terms of feelings and stuff and both came to the conclusion that we still very much liked each other, but that for now, we need to get to know each other better but that we both liked what we were experiencing. A few days later, I'm at a party with a my best friend and she decides to get my phone and send him messages while I'm drunk. At first it's all fun and games on both sides but then she texts him that he's too vague on his feelings for me and that she wants to know what are his intentions... he doesn't reply and the next day I text him that I just found out about those texts. He replies way later and tells me that we need to talk about that and I send him a long text to let him know where I stand: I like him, he's fun and I like that we take things slow BUT not ready to be in a relationship yet and if it happens, it happens, if it doesn't, it doesn't. He reacts with a heart and then sends me vocal notes to let me know he agrees and feels the same way. The following week, everything is fine, we talk and he sends me a text to ask me to see each other the following week cause he really wants to see me. We schedule a date the following week, at night and I'd stay at his place to sleep. He tells me how happy he is and excited, he calls me that same night over facetime cause he misses my face. That weekend, he goes to Disneyland with his friends and we still talk. When we get to spend the night together, something's off. I just went through a medical exam that left me scattered and I'm kinda anticipating about he and I having sex cause ya know down there, it won't be possible. While I see him getting lost in his thoughts, we still spend a good night, tho kinda looking like an old couple. We go to sleep, he holds me in his arms the whole night, always making sure to keep me there. The next morning, I ask him how he felt and he said he was very happy that I was there. When I get out of the shower that morning and come back to find him on his couch, he looks stunned by me and we say goodbye, we kiss and he tells me "see you very soon, really loved last night." The whole day I have no more news and he sends me 3 texts in the evening, apologizing for being distant but that he's scared he can't handle the intensity of it all and that he's responsible for this but that he started to get really anxious about the whole thing during the night. and that probably by fear, he prefers to let me know he might not be ready. I reply to him that I do not understand the intensity he's talking about and that we should talk cause hello I'm scared too about all this. He replied with a whole "I felt that we weren't on the same page and that prevented me from trying a move sexually by fear that you'd think I only wanted to have sex with you. I think it's best for the sake of both our hearts that maybe we put a halt to this. But if you want to talk about it, we can" I tell him that I do at some point he sends me that his anxiety got the best of him and that he's taking some time off to get back to his old self and we'd talk the following week. We did a few days ago and basically he told me he got all scared by the messages from my best friend, that he thought I wanted to be in a relationship with him right away and he got scared that he'd get trapped. That he finds me beautiful, funny, smart and loves to spend time with me but his fears got out of control. We talked and were literally on the same page but then it was extremely late and we said goodbye and he told me we'd talk the next day by texts. We didn't much except when he posted a story on his IG with that meme of that cactus door with the caption my therapist "you should let people in." me: "it's not locked". and yesterday he sent me a picture of him in his suit for a wedding and I sent him "well you look handsome" and he replied with a big red heart. We talked slightly but nothing too major. And when I fell asleep he texted me my name with a question mark. But Idk if he wanted to tell me something or if he wanted me to say something. What are your thoughts on all this? Do you think it's possible to work things out? I know it's not a question of him not liking me anymore or me not liking him but my bf's message messing his head up. But he heard on the phone that we were still on the same page...
Gesamtkunstwerk Posted July 14 Posted July 14 (edited) I think we all been in this situation, and unfortunately, there's never a clear answer why it ends up like this. Did he get scared of the intimacy ? Does he only see you as a short term thing ? Idk, but it is safe to say you're not getting what you want out of him and you end up confused and hurt. You will most likely never get a straight answer out of him. In my personal experience regarding this, is that they enjoy your company and the intimacy you give them, but don't really see the relation as something serious and long term. If they were being honest about this, they know the things you give them will stop, or maybe just scared to hurt you. This has nothing to do with you personally and you can't control this, but to remove yourself from the situation. I'm not saying he's doing this full on purposely, I think a lot of us have done this to other people without even thinking about it, but we don't see how hurtful it is until we're on the receiving end. Sometimes it's just best to cut losses and seek out other people you're on the same page as. Hope you'll figure it out Edited July 14 by Gesamtkunstwerk
Venice B Posted July 14 Posted July 14 Letting your friends chirp into your relationship that early on is always a mistake. Like, you barely know the guy, how are your friends supposed to question his intentions? I totally understand his reaction because your friend was totally invasive and she didn't have to send him those texts. Not only that, but if you guys get together then he will have to socialize with that friend in some ocasions and I (personally) would feel very unconfortable around someone like that. Anyways, I think you guys just need to take things slow, but you need to make your intentions clear. Do you want to date him right now? Does it bother you to take things slow? How you feel? Those are important question. When you answer them to yourself, then you can decided on what to do and if going forward with this is the right thing to do.
Dolce Vita Posted July 14 Posted July 14 (edited) i think your friend's message was out of line and this turned him off. drunk or not it's kinda presumptuous to assume things about someone that you barely know. also the "i have anxiety" thing is definitely used as an excuse to not turn you down outright. i would know because admittedly i've done this with guys before if you still think there's any chance he will reciprocate your feelings just be honest about how you feel with him. otherwise i would move on. Edited July 14 by Dolce Vita
Monsieurgedeon Posted July 14 Posted July 14 Also I think you use the "I don't want a relationship" as a shield but you are not being honest with yourself and by consequence with him. Maybe I'm reading too much into it, but saying it won't change what you feel deep down. It was already too much focused on talking about feelings rather than just enjoying the moment.
shinyshimmery Posted July 14 Posted July 14 (edited) Dating without the intention of a long term relationship is pointless imo. I think it's time you lay your cards on the table and either make it official, or set some expectations on your situationship. Sounds like you're catching feelings. I'd say shoot your shot now, or cut your losses before you end up hurt. Edited July 14 by shinyshimmery
sha-nasty Posted July 14 Posted July 14 You should take it easy with him if you actually like him. Stop with the talking about your feelings after every time y'all see each other because that's probably what's making him anxious. Like if y'all are making time for each other and having fun, you'll know you're on the same page. Let things happen naturally without labels and just continue to go on dates and have cuddle nights & if intimacy happens, don't think too much about it. If you do this for like 3 months and all goes well, ask him about being boyfriends then. But you'd have to be prepared if he doesn't want it back, you can't force feelings
Burn Posted July 14 Posted July 14 It seems like everything was going fine until your friend started meddling! Your 'best friend' has ****** this up for you and I'd be ditching this friend if I were you! I'd say don't give up on the guy just yet. Have an open and honest conversation with him about what exactly it is that he wants, and if that's what you want too then keep seeing him and let things progress naturally. 1
chosensparkles Posted July 14 Author Posted July 14 3 hours ago, Gesamtkunstwerk said: I think we all been in this situation, and unfortunately, there's never a clear answer why it ends up like this. Did he get scared of the intimacy ? Does he only see you as a short term thing ? Idk, but it is safe to say you're not getting what you want out of him and you end up confused and hurt. You will most likely never get a straight answer out of him. In my personal experience regarding this, is that they enjoy your company and the intimacy you give them, but don't really see the relation as something serious and long term. If they were being honest about this, they know the things you give them will stop, or maybe just scared to hurt you. This has nothing to do with you personally and you can't control this, but to remove yourself from the situation. I'm not saying he's doing this full on purposely, I think a lot of us have done this to other people without even thinking about it, but we don't see how hurtful it is until we're on the receiving end. Sometimes it's just best to cut losses and seek out other people you're on the same page as. Hope you'll figure it out I personally didn't expect anything out of this, we just let things happen and we were like "if it turns out to be something bigger than this at some point, then it's amazing but so far let's see where it goes..." and I spent the whole weekend wondering if I loved him just yet and the answer is no, I do like him and find him fun and handsome and totally open for a relationship BUT I'm not there yet and we both freaked out cause that night I spent at his place, it felt very old couple and we were like uh uh this ain't us but both thought that's what the other wanted! he's very open about his feelings, like I have no doubts about that and even when we called each other a few days ago, it was like we're still on the same page
brenda-walsh Posted July 14 Posted July 14 first of all, i'd be pissed off if any of my friends did that. your friend was out of line and had no right to basically **** up what you had going on. otherwise, it seems the two of you are really vibing and like each other, so just continue down that path without putting any pressure for a label long term. its been two months and some dates, spend more time together and let things naturally happen. if a month from now you realize you still want things to be casual or you actually do want him to be your boyfriend, then vocalize that
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