discussion Can these fix the dating/hookup crisis in the gay community?

[BrentB]

So everyone & their mother knows about the daunting & unforgiving gay dating/hookup landscape. But what if these few implementations could be what helps turn things around for better (even if it's just a little)?

 

- There is an app (or perhaps one of the big 3 (Grindr, Jack'd or Scruff) can adapt this feature) which allows serial ghosters & time wasters to be exposed & verified (I get how messy this could be implement, but the way I see it, a lot of these apps monitor pictures & convos so I don't see much of a difference .)

 

- More sensual gay porn that's tantric in nature, more HUMAN-esque, features a wide array of body types & actual foreplay (other than your typical, six-pack'd, roided michelin men in jockstraps w zero chemistry). The porn industry as a whole could use this & it would take iniative from major studios. Perhaps the OnlyFans girlies can start us off with such content tbh.

 

What do y'all think? Could it really boil down to these two implementations to garner some hope within the community? Are there any other things you think of that we should do collectively?

[Bloodflowers.]

Gays need to stop their porn addiction and then they would stop doing hookups with strangers 

[Saint James]

1 minute ago, Bloodflowers. said:

Gays need to stop their porn addiction and then they would stop doing hookups with strangers 

there is some truth to this but algorithms are getting just as bad now, at least for me... tiktok and instagram always spam random hot guys

[dumbsparce]

The fact that our sexual/love lives depend on ******* apps and porn is the first thing that needs to be addressed before we look into specifics  

 

Maybe just be a more reasonable person instead of leaving it to a twitch or two on an app to land you anywhere from an std to a lifelong partner.

 

As far as porn goes, it's still up to you to filter what you see. You don't have to be an alpha top nor a fully submissive bottom. Just follow your instincts and stop trying to live up to whatever stereotypes you think exist.

[Vixen Eyes]

16 minutes ago, Saint James said:

there is some truth to this but algorithms are getting just as bad now, at least for me... tiktok and instagram always spam random hot guys

exactly! ill like one or two thirst traps on instagram between 20 meme posts and ill get spammed more thirst traps from accounts im not even following

[scenekiller]

It all depends on what you allow yourself to settle for

 

If you're authentically yourself, not trying too hard, and secure in being alone, you'll have a much easier time finding something deeper and more genuine

[BrokenMachine]

Nah, let's just get rid of all of it. Oddly enough social media ended social life in such an abrupt way. I might argue this affects straight people too, but of course gay people have it way harder. Like, where do you find people to date nowadays? Clubs, social media, and... that's it? Then, if there's not even a gay club in your small town your chances of meeting someone you might like is even way lower. People just end up resorting to one-night-stands 

[DAP]

Not so much a 'crisis' as it is an outcome of how we organize society. I think hookup apps attempt to address the alienation people feel when they are isolated but fail by treating the 'experience' of dating like some product to sell, which is completely divorced from any human experience. We don't need to be sold an illusion of a relationship whether it be an app or porn. We need real relationships and we need physical communities to forge these relationships and we need a more collectivized society that would make this mode of organizing conducive. 

[selena_lavigne]

First of all, i don't find either of your solutions to be necessary. Second of all, just because some of us are perpetually single doesn't mean there aren't a gagillion gays that are always in relationships and/or have 200 people constantly chasing after them at all times.  And i'm talking about gays in cultures that i am a part of, not in general. 

Edited July 8 by selena_lavigne

[CottageHore]

If we're trying to address or mediate this issue through apps, I think the most obvious and effective solution would be to create an app specifically and exclusively for the intention of finding serious, long-term relationships through dating. All the apps specifically geared toward the gay community, specifically gay men, are hypersexualized. I get some people use apps like Grindr in hopes to go on dates and find a partner but the app is still very much viewed and used as a means to find quick hook-ups and to send pics to one another. 
 

it's refreshing to see so many gay men opening up about desiring a true partnership as opposed to throw away sex and I think at the core of most gay men, and most people, that's all anyone wants. They want to feel validated and loved and seen by another but the expectations of a non-heteronormative  relationship haven't been modeled to us and we don't know where we fit in to romantic relationships so we resort mostly to sex in hopes it'll turn into more.

 

We really need to address this as a community by talking about our desires for partnership more and be willing to support and validate one another.

[harwee]

Yeah maybe just go out there and not depend on apps. Depending on apps is inherently problematic.

[selena_lavigne]

1 minute ago, CottageHore said:

If we're trying to address or mediate this issue through apps, I think the most obvious and effective solution would be to create an app specifically and exclusively for the intention of finding serious, long-term relationships through dating. All the apps specifically geared toward the gay community, specifically gay men, are hypersexualized. I get some people use apps like Grindr in hopes to go on dates and find a partner but the app is still very much viewed and used as a means to find quick hook-ups and to send pics to one another. 
 

it's refreshing to see so many gay men opening up about desiring a true partnership as opposed to throw away sex and I think at the core of most gay men, and most people, that's all anyone wants. They want to feel validated and loved and seen by another but the expectations of a non-heteronormative  relationship haven't been modeled to us and we don't know where we fit in to romantic relationships so we resort mostly to sex in hopes it'll turn into more.

 

We really need to address this as a community by talking about our desires for partnership more and be willing to support and validate one another.

Naw, you can totally find relationships on Grindr and i would say it's the best way to find them. 

[shyboi]

i met my ex on grindr and it was beautiful while it lasted  

 

its all about the energy you give and knowing how to filter out the creepy people 

[selena_lavigne]

18 minutes ago, shyboi said:

i met my ex on grindr and it was beautiful while it lasted  

 

its all about the energy you give and knowing how to filter out the creepy people 

Everybody in society has a purpose and some choose to be creeps. 
But yeah, be careful cuz back in my late teens i met some crazy and violent people. One time this one guy catfished me and tried to attack me cuz i didn't give him money and i ran away.

Edited July 8 by selena_lavigne

[alexrex]

Date in real life 

[suneclipse121]

Ive forgone dating apps altogether and just DM directly on Instagram. That's how I met my bf. Dating apps are exhausting.

Edited July 8 by suneclipse121

[CottageHore]

25 minutes ago, selena_lavigne said:

Naw, you can totally find relationships on Grindr and i would say it's the best way to find them. 

Of course you can. But this thread is asking if there are better alternatives to addressing the issue of poor dating in the gay community. And just because Grindr is "the best way" to find a relationship for gay men doesn't mean we can't find better ways. The bar is in hell apparently! 

[massenlight]

28 minutes ago, CottageHore said:

If we're trying to address or mediate this issue through apps, I think the most obvious and effective solution would be to create an app specifically and exclusively for the intention of finding serious, long-term relationships through dating. All the apps specifically geared toward the gay community, specifically gay men, are hypersexualized. I get some people use apps like Grindr in hopes to go on dates and find a partner but the app is still very much viewed and used as a means to find quick hook-ups and to send pics to one another. 
 

it's refreshing to see so many gay men opening up about desiring a true partnership as opposed to throw away sex and I think at the core of most gay men, and most people, that's all anyone wants. They want to feel validated and loved and seen by another but the expectations of a non-heteronormative  relationship haven't been modeled to us and we don't know where we fit in to romantic relationships so we resort mostly to sex in hopes it'll turn into more.

 

We really need to address this as a community by talking about our desires for partnership more and be willing to support and validate one another.

Right, we need like a gay Tinder with a more respectful approach to dating

[selena_lavigne]

17 minutes ago, CottageHore said:

Of course you can. But this thread is asking if there are better alternatives to addressing the issue of poor dating in the gay community. And just because Grindr is "the best way" to find a relationship for gay men doesn't mean we can't find better ways. The bar is in hell apparently! 

One guy i broke up with cuz he got mad at me cuz i stayed too long at the museum. And he was jealous AF telling me i was hooking up with other guys that lived closer to me, when i don't think i had sex without him in that time period.

One guy i broke up with cuz he actively avoided me when we went out together and he left me alone at the club. He then decided to **** with my head a little bit. 

One guy i broke up with cuz he stole my cat. 
One guy i broke up with cuz he said he was avoiding me cuz i licked his ear and he thought it was disgusting, when i asked him if i could lick his ear and he said yes. 
And then other people just avoid me.  
But i find that these are all valid reasons. 
And then there are many others where i feel there may still be a lingering flame, but then i think about it and it's like me putting in all the effort, so hooking up has always seemed like the better solution.

And i also end up having dreams with all of my ex boyfriends. 
We have sex in the dreams, we hang out in the dreams, so i still get to see them. 
And yeah, i am kinda Selena in THWIW when i break up, and i'm kinda Selena with The Weeknd when i'm dating, so i get that i may not be everyone's type. 

Edited July 8 by selena_lavigne

[glitch]

18 minutes ago, suneclipse121 said:

Ive forgone dating apps altogether and just DM directly on Instagram. That's how I met my bf. Dating apps are exhausting.

I see people saying this a lot but like how are you finding people to dm on insta? Do you just scroll through your explore page?

[scenekiller]

55 minutes ago, selena_lavigne said:

One guy i broke up with cuz he got mad at me cuz i stayed too long at the museum. And he was jealous AF telling me i was hooking up with other guys that lived closer to me, when i don't think i had sex without him in that time period.

One guy i broke up with cuz he actively avoided me when we went out together and he left me alone at the club. He then decided to **** with my head a little bit. 

One guy i broke up with cuz he stole my cat. 
One guy i broke up with cuz he said he was avoiding me cuz i licked his ear and he thought it was disgusting, when i asked him if i could lick his ear and he said yes. 
And then other people just avoid me.  
But i find that these are all valid reasons. 
And then there are many others where i feel there may still be a lingering flame, but then i think about it and it's like me putting in all the effort, so hooking up has always seemed like the better solution.

And i also end up having dreams with all of my ex boyfriends. 
We have sex in the dreams, we hang out in the dreams, so i still get to see them. 
And yeah, i am kinda Selena in THWIW when i break up, and i'm kinda Selena with The Weeknd when i'm dating, so i get that i may not be everyone's type. 

 

Ma'am, this is Wendy's

[suneclipse121]

53 minutes ago, glitch said:

I see people saying this a lot but like how are you finding people to dm on insta? Do you just scroll through your explore page?

I actually found him on Tinder but instead of swiping to match with him I just went to his insta which he had on his bio and just messaged him on there. He responded pretty quickly  He told me it immediately made me stand out for how I took initiative to reach out to him. But it's a toss up because some people could be turned off by it. But it's worth the risk of rejection imo.

 

i honestly have had better luck sending DM's on insta than any dating app. And I go for guys who are my type. And remove the whole swiping and waiting crap. Now I'm in a happy relationship with a man that I love and he's my forever guy. 

[Hurem]

With technology at capitalism growing exponentially fast, we're never going back and "fixing" the society. Big tech panders to the most primal human impulses, which makes people become more addicted to it due to the quick fix. At the end of the day, it's up to the individual to take care of their self-control. No matter how we feel about the "hook up culture", if people wanna **** around every day, who are we to judge?

[AvadaKedavra]

1 hour ago, Hurem said:

With technology at capitalism growing exponentially fast, we're never going back and "fixing" the society. Big tech panders to the most primal human impulses, which makes people become more addicted to it due to the quick fix. At the end of the day, it's up to the individual to take care of their self-control. No matter how we feel about the "hook up culture", if people wanna **** around every day, who are we to judge?

I like your take very accurate...But i feel like we also need more spaces for interaction outside sex. 
There's an hyper-focus on it and the community is missing out so many amazing experiences, mutual self-learning, networking......

Edited July 8 by AvadaKedavra

[Hurem]

14 minutes ago, AvadaKedavra said:

I like your take very accurate...But i feel like we also need more spaces for interaction outside sex.
There's an hyperfocus on it and the community is missing out so many amazing experiences, mutual self-learning, networking......

I agree, but we can't force people to interact with each other outside sex if they don't want to. They will be aware they're suppressing what they really want, which ultimately always turns the person bitter.

 

We simply live in a time of hyper-individualism and instant gratification. There is no way to change it, even though I think society would profit if we took a step away from it.