discussion Do you mind being asked if you're gay out of the blue?

[simplywohoo]

2 hours ago, dumbsparce said:

It's only a big deal bc your delusion of passing as a straight man has come to an abrupt end.

 

Bet the opposite would be a compliment right?

 

 

(ps we've all been there)

 

I mean that's kinda my point ? Nobody would ask the opposite  I don't want to be asked what I'm doing with my dick or ass by randos 

Edited Thursday at 12:16 AM by simplywohoo

[bielneira]

Why should I? 

[simplywohoo]

2 minutes ago, bielneira said:

Why should I? 

I tried to explain my pov in the op 

[bielneira]

4 minutes ago, simplywohoo said:

I tried to explain my pov in the op 

Too much text, I didn't read. I apologize. 

[єѕℓαм]

Yes it's nobody's business 

Especially when it's a stranger asking that i'm like why do u care who i sleep with 

[dumbsparce]

On 6/27/2024 at 2:58 AM, simplywohoo said:

I mean that's kinda my point ? Nobody would ask the opposite  I don't want to be asked what I'm doing with my dick or ass by randos 

By opposite I mean a scenario where they're shocked when they find out you're gay bc you pass as straight.

 

I've never had anyone straight up ask me (aside from that one time I went to the shrink ) but if they did, I wouldn't think that they're curious with how I use my southern regions but rather that they just want to confirm their suspicions.

Edited yesterday at 01:20 AM by dumbsparce

[skwonderfactory]

It depends on the person and context. If you are genuinely coming from a fair state of mind and asking out of curiosity and clarity, then no. If you are a homophobe and looking to confirm your biases/bully me, then obviously yes.

 

However, with me, it's a bit difficult because I am not gay. I am pansexual and demiromantic, so….

 

Luckily I'm engaged to my life partner so I do not have to worry about the current dating scene and with all of my exes trying to come back into my life. I just reject and protect.

[JoeAg]

actually yes! 

 

I'm thankful to say it hasn't happened in awhile but at my 26th bday party (january 2023) this random b*tch I didn't f*cking know who was my ex friend/bandmate's hinge date (without even asking me if she could come until 20 minutes before the party started… they ended up getting serious pretty quick and from my knowledge are still together) randomly said after like 3 hours of being there "yknow Joe after a few hours it's been nice meeting you. I would've never guessed you were bi by the way! I totally just thought you were gay based on the way you act." and I swear to god I wanted to push her onto the stove or some sh*t lol I was FURIOUS! I just don't f*ck with that "oh lemme just tell you something completely irrelevant about my perception of you that you DEFINITELY won't invalidate and regress years of self-confidence you've built up" cause honestly people should just keep that sh*t to themselves. b*tch I'm bi and I act bi and I present bi and there shouldn't be assuming because it makes an ass out of you and ming, to quote my favorite show lol. and dealing with that sh*t from someone I don't even know at my BIRTHDAY PARTY??? 

 

tl;dr keep it to yourself cause odds are it'll come off as annoying at best and offensive and invalidating at worst. simply respond with "oh cool you're gay!" or "oh cool i'm bi too!" 

[Mordecai]

3 hours ago, JoeAg said:

actually yes! 

 

I'm thankful to say it hasn't happened in awhile but at my 26th bday party (january 2023) this random b*tch I didn't f*cking know who was my ex friend/bandmate's hinge date (without even asking me if she could come until 20 minutes before the party started… they ended up getting serious pretty quick and from my knowledge are still together) randomly said after like 3 hours of being there "yknow Joe after a few hours it's been nice meeting you. I would've never guessed you were bi by the way! I totally just thought you were gay based on the way you act." and I swear to god I wanted to push her onto the stove or some sh*t lol I was FURIOUS! I just don't f*ck with that "oh lemme just tell you something completely irrelevant about my perception of you that you DEFINITELY won't invalidate and regress years of self-confidence you've built up" cause honestly people should just keep that sh*t to themselves. b*tch I'm bi and I act bi and I present bi and there shouldn't be assuming because it makes an ass out of you and ming, to quote my favorite show lol. and dealing with that sh*t from someone I don't even know at my BIRTHDAY PARTY??? 

 

tl;dr keep it to yourself cause odds are it'll come off as annoying at best and offensive and invalidating at worst. simply respond with "oh cool you're gay!" or "oh cool i'm bi too!" 

As a fellow bi guy I HATE the erasure, if I'm not straight I must be gay, as if there's no in between... like mama I will **** you and when I'm done I'll do the same thing to your sister lolz

 

Anyway to answer your question OP, unless you're asking it because you want to hit on me or it naturally comes up in conversation, it's awkward

[JoeAg]

3 minutes ago, Mordecai said:

As a fellow bi guy I HATE the erasure, if I'm not straight I must be gay, as if there's no in between... like mama I will **** you and when I'm done I'll do the same thing to your sister lolz

 

Anyway to answer your question OP, unless you're asking it because you want to hit on me or it naturally comes up in conversation, it's awkward

RIGHT !! omfg

 

the dude who she was with (my ex friend) is also bi and we're definitely on different sides of the bi dude presentation spectrum. he's very unassuming masc guy from florida energy, and I'm more just… me. like i'm outgoing and obsessed with pop culture and have somewhat "gay voice" and at the time I didn't go to the gym religiously like i do now (lol) so i was a bit softer appearance-wise. it's funny because i've dated more women than men but i've hooked up with more men. and idk! I think that even though I might fit more "gay stereotypes," I'm just Joe. a bi guy with a mustache who's a manlet and a musician lmao

[Illuminati]

If it's a stranger on a street it might be weird but when you want to get to know someone it's normal to ask these things. It's only awkward if you or the person asking think being gay is inherently a bad thing.

 

I rarely get asked because it really shows on me but all of my friends know and I know what their sexuality is

[Last Boy on Earth]

It did when I was 13 but now everyone can see from miles apart and I haven't heard that question for more than 10 years now lol

[Illuminati]

3 hours ago, JoeAg said:

actually yes! 

 

I'm thankful to say it hasn't happened in awhile but at my 26th bday party (january 2023) this random b*tch I didn't f*cking know who was my ex friend/bandmate's hinge date (without even asking me if she could come until 20 minutes before the party started… they ended up getting serious pretty quick and from my knowledge are still together) randomly said after like 3 hours of being there "yknow Joe after a few hours it's been nice meeting you. I would've never guessed you were bi by the way! I totally just thought you were gay based on the way you act." and I swear to god I wanted to push her onto the stove or some sh*t lol I was FURIOUS! I just don't f*ck with that "oh lemme just tell you something completely irrelevant about my perception of you that you DEFINITELY won't invalidate and regress years of self-confidence you've built up" cause honestly people should just keep that sh*t to themselves. b*tch I'm bi and I act bi and I present bi and there shouldn't be assuming because it makes an ass out of you and ming, to quote my favorite show lol. and dealing with that sh*t from someone I don't even know at my BIRTHDAY PARTY??? 

 

tl;dr keep it to yourself cause odds are it'll come off as annoying at best and offensive and invalidating at worst. simply respond with "oh cool you're gay!" or "oh cool i'm bi too!" 

Wouldn't you have preferred if she just asked instead of assuming your sexuality and then telling you all that unnecessary stuff? I feel like that's kinda the whole point of the thread

 

[JoeAg]

18 minutes ago, Illuminati said:

Wouldn't you have preferred if she just asked instead of assuming your sexuality and then telling you all that unnecessary stuff? I feel like that's kinda the whole point of the thread

 

oh absolutely

[Kevin2803]

It depends. One time i was walking home at night and a guy pulled a knife and asked me if if was gay, so i obviously did mind it in that context. That was years ago though. 

[qegqeg]

6 minutes ago, Kevin2803 said:

It depends. One time i was walking home at night and a guy pulled a knife and asked me if if was gay, so i obviously did mind it in that context. That was years ago though. 

 

OT: I do not like it

[Mordecai]

4 hours ago, JoeAg said:

RIGHT !! omfg

 

the dude who she was with (my ex friend) is also bi and we're definitely on different sides of the bi dude presentation spectrum. he's very unassuming masc guy from florida energy, and I'm more just… me. like i'm outgoing and obsessed with pop culture and have somewhat "gay voice" and at the time I didn't go to the gym religiously like i do now (lol) so i was a bit softer appearance-wise. it's funny because i've dated more women than men but i've hooked up with more men. and idk! I think that even though I might fit more "gay stereotypes," I'm just Joe. a bi guy with a mustache who's a manlet and a musician lmao

I love your energy!! Very refreshing, we need more people like you out there in the world

 

How do you navigate dating women if you don't mind me asking? I'm not a walking stereotype lol but it doesn't take long to figure out that I'm not straight and I guess I tend to gravitate towards guys because I just assume most women won't be into me or will think I'm gay because of it

[unino]

no i enjoy it 

[Batsy Armada]

I actually do mind, yes. The more time someone spends around me, the more curious they become because I never really talk about having a significant other nor do I talk about who I might be attracted to. So, I get the curiosity. But, generally, whether or not I'm gay has no relevance to what we're doing—because I'm practically always at work. And when I'm not, I'm just in my own world. But, what does it ultimately matter unless you're trying to get with me? I hate when someone who's straight asks me. I get why another gay person would ask, just so they possibly don't feel so alone.

 

But, still, have some tact and elegance when asking me. Don't ask me in a group of people, because I will just lie and use my "focused on work and myself" story to justify not being in a relationship or, otherwise, trying to date. Even though I am gay and trying to date.

[harwee]

No. Not at all.

 

 

[bleuwaffle]

I never get asked that. I'm not clockable.

[Falsetto]

Yeah I agree with it depending on the context and intentions because, on one hand I can see people asking to be rude intentionally but on the other hand, if someone has a crush on you, it's a good way to know so they don't waste their time. I just read the situation and react accordingly

[dinorhino]

On 6/26/2024 at 11:26 PM, JoeAg said:

actually yes! 

 

I'm thankful to say it hasn't happened in awhile but at my 26th bday party (january 2023) this random b*tch I didn't f*cking know who was my ex friend/bandmate's hinge date (without even asking me if she could come until 20 minutes before the party started… they ended up getting serious pretty quick and from my knowledge are still together) randomly said after like 3 hours of being there "yknow Joe after a few hours it's been nice meeting you. I would've never guessed you were bi by the way! I totally just thought you were gay based on the way you act." and I swear to god I wanted to push her onto the stove or some sh*t lol I was FURIOUS! I just don't f*ck with that "oh lemme just tell you something completely irrelevant about my perception of you that you DEFINITELY won't invalidate and regress years of self-confidence you've built up" cause honestly people should just keep that sh*t to themselves. b*tch I'm bi and I act bi and I present bi and there shouldn't be assuming because it makes an ass out of you and ming, to quote my favorite show lol. and dealing with that sh*t from someone I don't even know at my BIRTHDAY PARTY??? 

 

tl;dr keep it to yourself cause odds are it'll come off as annoying at best and offensive and invalidating at worst. simply respond with "oh cool you're gay!" or "oh cool i'm bi too!" 

This is something I don't quite get because I feel like if it was the inverse it would be taken as a compliment. I identify as gay and my entire perception of being regarded as bi is that many gay men would take it as a compliment to be regarded as such just because of its proximity to heterosexuality (and subsequently, masculinity) but I have noticed bi people vehemently dislike being called gay

 

I've had friends do the inverse of what that girl did to you; insist that I'm bi for various reasons and I don't get upset over it and when I've seen it happen to other gay guys it's also not an issue. My theory is that subconsciously a lot of bi people recognise being regarded as gay as being inferior 

[Ecstasy]

On 6/26/2024 at 9:49 PM, simplywohoo said:

So today I had a little bit of beef with a gay on tiktok and he said it's not a big deal and that no gay will take it in a bad way if you're being asked THEE question.

And when I thought about it a little I came to the conclusion that I actually do? 

 

Like first of all, why is it relevant to them? Why do they feel they have the right to ask ? I think it also plays along stereotypes because if you're being asked out of the blue, it's probably bc you act a certain way and that's the reason why they felt they have the right to ask.

 

Like it's not a huuuge deal to me, especially not now as an adult and it's not like i stop talking to people after that, but back then it made me feel VERY uncomfortable, ESPECIALLY before I came out. 

 

Imo it's very invasive and lbr nowadays there's no need to ask anything like this in the first place. I also think most gays aren't exactly thrilled with this question. But what do you think about it ? Am I taking this too seriously ?

It's unnecessary. Like it's pretty obvious from speaking to me. You don't have to ask outright and if you feel the need like you have to, it means we are not close enough for you to know the answer to that yet

[JoeAg]

1 hour ago, dinorhino said:

This is something I don't quite get because I feel like if it was the inverse it would be taken as a compliment. I identify as gay and my entire perception of being regarded as bi is that many gay men would take it as a compliment to be regarded as such just because of its proximity to heterosexuality (and subsequently, masculinity) but I have noticed bi people vehemently dislike being called gay

 

I've had friends do the inverse of what that girl did to you; insist that I'm bi for various reasons and I don't get upset over it and when I've seen it happen to other gay guys it's also not an issue. My theory is that subconsciously a lot of bi people recognise being regarded as gay as being inferior 

well maybe for others, but that's not the case for me. I've dissected this with my past two therapists at length respectively and it's not that I think of being gay as inferior. for me, it's an association with these older queer people in my neighborhood growing up who, from the time I came out at age 13, and them already being in their fifties, they'd tell me to "pick a side!"

 

i would react strongly in a similarly annoyed manner if someone ever were to assume i'm straight in the way that that girl assumed i was gay 

 

most guys i've dated have been gay and I've loved them and honored them so hard and have felt nothing but complete respect for their sexualities

 

I just personally don't like the invalidation and casual erasure of my identity