GardenPanty Posted March 20 Share Posted March 20 (edited) Hi y'all, I've been struggling recently. Narcissistic parents aren't fun. I got into a small altercation with my mother the other day and made the mistake of setting a boundary. She gives a lot of unsolicited "advice" about my life and when I tell her to stop she never does. I confronted her about it finally and explained how it makes me feel, and she somehow shifted the blame on me, making it about how I never do anything for her or the family. I'm just sick of always second guessing myself and my actions. I feel like I'm damned if I do, damned if I don't. I get spun into some nasty, unforgiving person if I don't do things exactly how my mother wants. It has gotten really bad to the point where it is affecting my relationship with the rest of my family members as they all take her side. For those with narcissistic parents, how do you handle them? I feel like no matter what I do everything gets used against me. Edited March 20 by GardenPanty Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
family.guy123 Posted March 20 Share Posted March 20 I left home at an early age Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TROPICUM Posted March 20 Share Posted March 20 well honestly you should see the point of view your mother has, the reason why she says those things and why your entire family sides with her then ask for another opinion, hire a therapist, someone else who can see things from another angle that's not yours, your mom's or her family whenever those discussions happen finally you should gain some confidence when it comes to your own moral compass. you should know what's right and what's wrong for you and others. guide yourself with that instinct, if you know you are in the right then simply ignore, and don't be afraid to say to your mother or whoever is antagonizing what you're doing, that's what that confidence is for. no one can really shake your morality as long as you know it's right 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Danny789 Posted March 20 Share Posted March 20 (edited) 98% of moms give unsolicited advice, I just say “maybe I'll try that" or “I'll look into it" but if it gets to the point where it makes you uncomfortable and second guess yourself, have a real conversation about how it makes you feel. If she turns it around about how you're “unhelpful" calmly say “I'm sorry, I'll try to do better. Can you meet me halfway and try to do better for me?” Even if her claims are ridiculous and you do help out, theres no way she can disagree with that and not look completely in the wrong. Edited March 20 by Danny789 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GardenPanty Posted March 20 Author Share Posted March 20 47 minutes ago, Danny789 said: but if it gets to the point where it makes you uncomfortable and second guess yourself, have a real conversation about how it makes you feel. I have, that's what's inspired the thread :( I normally don't care for unsolicited advice but she's been persistent and hateful with it lately. I don't understand why me telling her to stop has caused a big fight. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
simon Posted March 20 Share Posted March 20 1. Your mom is never going to change. She is set in her ways and she will always feel entitled to her ways. Once you realize that, the next step will be easy. 2. Put yourself first. It'll be challenging, but you definitely need to create small incremental steps to distance yourself from your mom. Be WARM & SHORT! The problem is, when people are mad, they are usually COLD & SHORT. The other person can see that you are angry or mad (and they will use it against you). When you speak to her, be loving but be short with her. Tell her you have to go somewhere or run an errand. After a while she will get used to the boundary (this will take some time). 3. BOSS UP! Narcissists will only fully respect you when you boss up. But, don't do it for them, do it for you. Over excel in life on your own terms - and she will respect you so much that by the time she does, you won't even care or need her validation. 4. Watch a lot of YouTube videos/podcasts about dealing with narcissists. I recently have dealt with a few (which is why I'm giving this advice), and I have spent hours and hours researching the topic to make the best decisions based on my situation. The more you learn, the more it'll help and become second nature to you. I hope this helps! 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GardenPanty Posted March 20 Author Share Posted March 20 3 minutes ago, simon said: 1. Your mom is never going to change. She is set in her ways and she will always feel entitled to her ways. Once you realize that, the next step will be easy. 2. Put yourself first. It'll be challenging, but you definitely need to create small incremental steps to distance yourself from your mom. Be WARM & SHORT! The problem is, when people are mad, they are usually COLD & SHORT. The other person can see that you are angry or mad (and they will use it against you). When you speak to her, be loving but be short with her. Tell her you have to go somewhere or run an errand. After a while she will get used to the boundary (this will take some time). 3. BOSS UP! Narcissists will only fully respect you when you boss up. But, don't do it for them, do it for you. Over excel in life on your own terms - and she will respect you so much that by the time she does, you won't even care or need her validation. 4. Watch a lot of YouTube videos/podcasts about dealing with narcissists. I recently have dealt with a few (which is why I'm giving this advice), and I have spent hours and hours researching the topic to make the best decisions based on my situation. The more you learn, the more it'll help and become second nature to you. I hope this helps! This is fantastic advice. Thank you. And also to everyone else who replied / replies <3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bjorn Posted March 20 Share Posted March 20 Leave. That's the only option sadly. Distance yourself from them and just keep them in you life on YOUR terms, ie only seeing them on the holidays example. They need to respect you and your life decisions. Narcissist won't ever change because their behaviour is part of who they are, it's brain structure that was developed from their childhood. Only way for them to change is extensive therapy. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gesamtkunstwerk Posted March 20 Share Posted March 20 Narcissistic people are mentally ill. It has nothing to do with you, something in their childhood went wrong and their behaviour is a result of that. It doesn't get better and there's no effective treatment. Only way to make the problem go away is ceasing contact, or at least limiting it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The_Bling Posted March 20 Share Posted March 20 Grayrocking did wonders for me. Whenever they try to bait you into having en emotional reaction so they can push the blame onto you, don't. Don't engage with them whenever they start pointing fingers and throwing the blame back at you. Stand your ground, know who you are and what you want and don't let them walk all over you. It'll take time for them to realize that they are no longer entitled to your existence, but they eventually will. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NumbSoul Posted March 20 Share Posted March 20 Girl, I totally get you, my parents are the exact same way - especially my mom. She can NEVER take accountability or blame for anything, so she would always find a way to manipulate any situation to make it seem like it's my fault. It's infuriating, but you just need to understand that this is just how they operate and not let it get to you. I guess in a way you have to emotionally disassociate a bit, which is a shame, but it's for your own good. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Princess Aurora Posted March 20 Share Posted March 20 I didn't grow up with a narcissistic parent but a controlling one instead. All I can tell you is that you better leave as soon as possible Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dear Reader Posted March 20 Share Posted March 20 8 hours ago, simon said: 1. Your mom is never going to change. She is set in her ways and she will always feel entitled to her ways. Once you realize that, the next step will be easy. 2. Put yourself first. It'll be challenging, but you definitely need to create small incremental steps to distance yourself from your mom. Be WARM & SHORT! The problem is, when people are mad, they are usually COLD & SHORT. The other person can see that you are angry or mad (and they will use it against you). When you speak to her, be loving but be short with her. Tell her you have to go somewhere or run an errand. After a while she will get used to the boundary (this will take some time). 3. BOSS UP! Narcissists will only fully respect you when you boss up. But, don't do it for them, do it for you. Over excel in life on your own terms - and she will respect you so much that by the time she does, you won't even care or need her validation. 4. Watch a lot of YouTube videos/podcasts about dealing with narcissists. I recently have dealt with a few (which is why I'm giving this advice), and I have spent hours and hours researching the topic to make the best decisions based on my situation. The more you learn, the more it'll help and become second nature to you. I hope this helps! What amazing advice, thank you! @GardenPanty I'm on the exact same situation as you, I'm very sorry. And if you ever need someone to talk to, my DMs are always open 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GardenPanty Posted March 20 Author Share Posted March 20 12 hours ago, TROPICUM said: well honestly you should see the point of view your mother has, the reason why she says those things and why your entire family sides with her Usually my other family members just deal with her because they don't like confrontation. I get that her advice is because she caree about me, but the stuff she says when I don't listen to her is just flat out nasty and hateful. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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