discussion Being gay in a smalltown

[Whis]

I’ve been feeling sad lately. I’m gay and live in a smalltown in Belgium. Everytime I visit a larger city (like Antwerp or Amsterdam) I feel so happy, but when I get home I get depressed for a few days.

 

My friends, family and job are all here. I love my job and my apartment, but the fact I live in a small SMALL town with barely any diversity and a more conservative mindset is making me very sad. What should I do? I can’t just move, I’m stuck with my job. Here in Belgium we work with ‘permanent teachers’, which I am in one of the schools in my smalltown.

 

 

Edited February 18 by Whis

[KatyPrismSpirit]

Your happiness is more important than a job. And don’t you have job prospects in bigger cities? Or is it a specific store / business you work at

[idkwiam]

Do you have a specific job sis that you can't do in another city? Wishing you all the best 🙏

[greeneyedsoul]

Move to Berlin. 

[KillingYourCareer]

Are you sure? Over here gays in small towns have it good, most have healthy relationships. Gays in cities complain about how vapid other gays are, while being vapid and superficial themselves. Small town gays won.

[Mr. Peanutbutter]

You can find a good job that makes you happy in a bigger city

[playboi]

I find smaller cities safer for LGBT ppl in Europe, I wouldn't dare to show any sign of my orientation in some parts of Paris 

Edited February 18 by playboi

[Whis]

Here in Belgium we work with ‘permanent teachers’, which I am in one of the schools in my smalltown.

[Tropical]

There's definitely a reason gays tend to flock to larger urban centres, more progressive, more freedom of expression, easier to meet people (hypothetically). I moved from a small town to a small city and for sure I miss my family, but it had to be done, I couldn't do small town life. Plus I'd never have found a career like I now do if I'd stayed in my small town. 

[getBusy]

You don’t have to move tomorrow, but if you’re happier in a big city, then make a plan and make it happen in a more realistic timeframe. Make a list of things that have to happen for you to land a job in a different city. 

[Archetype]

You need to move.  Apply for jobs in cities you like or in city suburbs.  Also, considering how good public transit is in Belgium, even living in a suburb would drastically improve your life.  Staying in a small town is usually a bad move for people like us unless you’re already in a long term committed relationship.

[Whis]

4 minutes ago, Archetype said:

You need to move.  Apply for jobs in cities you like or in city suburbs.  Also, considering how good public transit is in Belgium, even living in a suburb would drastically improve your life.  Staying in a small town is usually a bad move for people like us unless you’re already in a long term committed relationship.

What about the place I’m currently renting? I don’t even have all the money I think. The only thing that’s really preventing me from moving is my job. As a teacher it’s not always a certainty to have a job where you can stay.

[Leptine]

From a side I totally understand you, from the other I'm telling you that visiting a city occasionally or for holidays it's different than living there permanently, the allure of a better gay life might go away after awhile and things can be different.

[TeemoR]

Sorry but, you should move. Easier said than done, but you should fight for your happiness. Where you live, it's a dead-end. 

[TeemoR]

14 minutes ago, Leptine said:

From a side I totally understand you, from the other I'm telling you that visiting a city occasionally or for holidays it's different than living there permanently, the allure of a better gay life might go away after awhile and things can be different.

For sure, we've all been fooled by the allure you are talking about, but there is light at the end of the tunnel. In a small conservative town, this hope is non-existent (or extremely rare to happen). 

[CottageHore]

First of all, despite what people are saying here, you don’t “need” to do anything. There are no rules as to how or where a gay person must live to be happy. But if your soul is telling you “maybe I’d be happier somewhere else”, that’s totally worth exploring. It’s scary but part of life- growth! 
 

Second, you’re not alone. I don’t live in a “small” town, per se, there are about 90,000 people in my town but I lived in a big city 3 hours south a couple years back and while I was among the gay scene more and was more socialized, there were many things that didn’t align with my soul in that setting either. I’m realizing I kind of like living in a smaller (medium) city, even if there’s less opportunities for dating (I don’t have a desire as much anymore, may be different for you). But it took many months of feeling “bored” or “in the wrong place” before I accepted I kind of do like a quiet life. I feel this obligation as a gay man, for some reason, to be among the action and to be in a big city but you don’t have to be.

 

However, if you wanna move, here’s how I did it (I live in America, note that)…

 

1. I began by looking for jobs (teaching jobs, as I had just got my teaching degree at that time, no longer use it) in the city I wanted to move to. This was at the beginning of the pandemic so everything was ****** in education so I shoved that to the side. I instead looked for nannying jobs or a lowkey job I could get quickly without a huge process. The key is to get a job that just makes you enough to afford rent there. This job is really just to get you into the city. You can view it as temporary unless you end up loving it, in which case- awesome.

 

2. Once I got an idea of how easy it would be to get a job there, I began looking for apartments. I suggest looking for a roommate to keep costs lower although idk if the cost of living requires that in Belgium.

 

3. The tricky part is you likely need to commit to a job there before you find a place. So setting up temporary housing may be helpful. Think a cheap motel, Airbnb, a friend, or look for people letting people sleep on their couch on Facebook marketplace.

 

4. Be ready to take up some side hustles to get your footing there. This is also a great way to orient yourself to the new city. When I moved to the city, I began by nannying (I got to know a family in the area and form connections through them), and then did Instacart and delivery services on the side (this allowed me to learn the new city so well and all it’s surrounding suburbs. I swear I learned every road and highway in that city.

 

Maybe start a savings fund to live off for awhile when you first move? If you don’t need it, that’s extra money you now have to cover rent for a few months as you settle in. 
 

Moving to a different city isn’t necessarily super easy. It requires planning and some financial cushion. But millions of people do it every year and most people move away to a different place at least once in their life. This means it’s doable. Why would you be the exception? Best of luck. 

[Whis]

7 minutes ago, CottageHore said:

First of all, despite what people are saying here, you don’t “need” to do anything. There are no rules as to how or where a gay person must live to be happy. But if your soul is telling you “maybe I’d be happier somewhere else”, that’s totally worth exploring. It’s scary but part of life- growth! 
 

Second, you’re not alone. I don’t live in a “small” town, per se, there are about 90,000 people in my town but I lived in a big city 3 hours south a couple years back and while I was among the gay scene more and was more socialized, there were many things that didn’t align with my soul in that setting either. I’m realizing I kind of like living in a smaller (medium) city, even if there’s less opportunities for dating (I don’t have a desire as much anymore, may be different for you). But it took many months of feeling “bored” or “in the wrong place” before I accepted I kind of do like a quiet life. I feel this obligation as a gay man, for some reason, to be among the action and to be in a big city but you don’t have to be.

 

However, if you wanna move, here’s how I did it (I live in America, note that)…

 

1. I began by looking for jobs (teaching jobs, as I had just got my teaching degree at that time, no longer use it) in the city I wanted to move to. This was at the beginning of the pandemic so everything was ****** in education so I shoved that to the side. I instead looked for nannying jobs or a lowkey job I could get quickly without a huge process. The key is to get a job that just makes you enough to afford rent there. This job is really just to get you into the city. You can view it as temporary unless you end up loving it, in which case- awesome.

 

2. Once I got an idea of how easy it would be to get a job there, I began looking for apartments. I suggest looking for a roommate to keep costs lower although idk if the cost of living requires that in Belgium.

 

3. The tricky part is you likely need to commit to a job there before you find a place. So setting up temporary housing may be helpful. Think a cheap motel, Airbnb, a friend, or look for people letting people sleep on their couch on Facebook marketplace.

 

4. Be ready to take up some side hustles to get your footing there. This is also a great way to orient yourself to the new city. When I moved to the city, I began by nannying (I got to know a family in the area and form connections through them), and then did Instacart and delivery services on the side (this allowed me to learn the new city so well and all it’s surrounding suburbs. I swear I learned every road and highway in that city.

 

Maybe start a savings fund to live off for awhile when you first move? If you don’t need it, that’s extra money you now have to cover rent for a few months as you settle in. 
 

Moving to a different city isn’t necessarily super easy. It requires planning and some financial cushion. But millions of people do it every year and most people move away to a different place at least once in their life. This means it’s doable. Why would you be the exception? Best of luck. 

Thank you so much for taking the time to write this. Your post has inspired me!

[Maroonx]

6 hours ago, Whis said:

What about the place I’m currently renting? I don’t even have all the money I think. The only thing that’s really preventing me from moving is my job. As a teacher it’s not always a certainty to have a job where you can stay.

Babes, the transport systems in Belgium is so good and fast, can't you relocate to Antwerp or Ghent even... You can still work in your school and commute.

Or you can look for a teaching gig elsewhere. Honestly now is the perfect time as teachers are desperately needed. x

 

I honestly think your happiness is more important that a job. Go live in a big city and live your best life... Even if it's temporary. You got this 

[P.O.P]

I totally feel you but then there are gays in New York or San Francisco complaining about the gay life there It is better to consider your happiness rather that what gay social life a city has to offer

[Cain]

If you are unhappy with where you are in life, then you need to make changes in order to change your state of mind

 

Sorry, that’s kind of how it works

[Leptine]

12 hours ago, TeemoR said:

For sure, we've all been fooled by the allure you are talking about, but there is light at the end of the tunnel. In a small conservative town, this hope is non-existent (or extremely rare to happen). 

Thing is we're still talking about a person who has an established life with a work, apartment, friends and family where they live, suggesting to quit everything in order to chase a hypotethical better 'gay life' with no garancies of that shouldn't be a suggestion given this light-hearted in my opinion, but again I oviously understand both sides of the argument, it's clearly a big-difficult decision.