discussion How do gay incel communities exist?

[St. Charles]

This is a really strange topic but it’s been on my mind lately. You have a group of people who complain about gay men only caring about hookups / masculinity, that everyone’s shallow and won’t give them a chance, etc. They echo sentiments of any other incel community, but they have a pretty unique circumstance which allows them to date each other and solve the problem.
 

Why do they not just date each other?

 

I’m imagining 40 single gay men sitting in a room together like “damn, if only we could find someone to date.” 

[Tasty]

maybe theyre all bottoms

[Kern]

I don't understand why not? This isn't just a question of 'simply not dating each other' but self-hatred, internet addiction and many more factors that makes you an incel

[Gelato]

because they all have inflated opinions of themselves. the thing stopping them dating each other is they think people similar to them in all their miserableness aren't good enough for them. 

[Solaria]

Self-hatred, deep insecurities. Time for some EMDR or CBT and Lexapro 20 MG hunny!

Edited December 20, 2023 by Love Again

[Curaga]

I would imagine it’s the same problem similar straight men have, where they want to date someone they see as ideal (physically fit, employed, mentally healthy, etc.) while refusing to work toward meeting those requirements themselves. 

[Big Bad Wolf]

Men are still men. And the gay community is very shallow, so I get it 

[Illuminati]

Gay dating pool is a lot smaller especially if you don't live in a major city. But I'm guessing they suffer from the same issue as straight incels, who look for some ideal perfect woman and won't settle for anything less than a catgirl with huge bouncy boobs

[St. Charles]

1 minute ago, Curaga said:

I would imagine it’s the same problem similar straight men have, where they want to date someone they see as ideal (physically fit, employed, mentally healthy, etc.) while refusing to work toward meeting those requirements themselves. 

So just massive cognitive dissonance maybe

[Bloo]

31 minutes ago, St. Charles said:

This is a really strange topic but it’s been on my mind lately. You have a group of people who complain about gay men only caring about hookups / masculinity, that everyone’s shallow and won’t give them a chance, etc. They echo sentiments of any other incel community, but they have a pretty unique circumstance which allows them to date each other and solve the problem.
 

Why do they not just date each other?

 

I’m imagining 40 single gay men sitting in a room together like “damn, if only we could find someone to date.” 

I'm genuinely confused by what you're describing? Are you describing gay men who are upset with a lot of the hypersexualization of the gay community? Not being able to find a boyfriend? What is it? And how is this concordant with patterns found in typical incel communities?

 

Well, for one, the truth is the gay community is hypersexualized. If I want to go to a space to reliably meet other gay men, it's going to be a gay bar or club and they're not great atmospheres to sit down and have a memorable conversation. The last time I went to a club, it was a bunch of shirtless men making out and what not. It's inherently sexual. That's totally fine, but it's not for everyone. A widely accessible platform is Grindr. I don't need to explain how this is a sexual platform. There are, of course, alternative gay scenes. But these only exist in highly dense urban areas. I don't think this frustration is remotely comparable to a bunch of typical incels whining about no woman wanting to date them and what not. There are very real social and environmental barriers for gay men to meet other gay men to form lasting relationships that they have every right to vent about.

 

As for your imagination of "40 single gay men sitting in a room together" where is this happening? In my hometown, there was nowhere for gays to go. In the nearby "big city" of 350,000 people, the only gay spot that wasn't a club was a little GSA office that could fit 20 people max.

 

There's inherently a lot of isolation for LGBTQ+ people and they are allowed to be frustrated with it without being compared to incels which literally commit acts of violence against women.

—

EDIT: It's important to note that an incel is not somebody that complains about how it's hard to find a partner. A lot of perfectly fine, pleasant, and normal people will complain about the challenges of dating because complaining about daily things is normal and dating is an everyday thing. With a quick Wikipedia search, you'd know that incels are...

Quote

often characterized by deep resentment, hatred, hostility, sexual objectification, misogyny, misanthropy, self-pity and self-loathing, racism, a sense of entitlement to sex, blaming of women and the sexually successful for their situation (which is often seen as predetermined due to biological determinism, evolutionary genetics or a rigged game), a sense of futility and nihilism, rape culture, and the endorsement of sexual and nonsexual violence against women and sexually active people.

 

[Ryusei]

You answered your own question what do you want us to say

[shyboi]

12 minutes ago, Big Bad Wolf said:

Men are still men. And the gay community is very shallow, so I get it 

 

This, but i'm sure all communities and subcommunities have incels tho

[Curaga]

8 minutes ago, St. Charles said:

So just massive cognitive dissonance maybe

Basically. I think they make up excuses for themselves and think others will accept them in their own reality, when they wouldn’t do the same for others: it’s ok that they struggle with mental illness, employment troubles, etc., but won’t accept someone with the same struggles. 

 

See: 

17 minutes ago, Love Again said:

Self-hatred, deep insecurities. Time for some EMDR or CBT and Lexapro 20 MG hunny!

 

[Domination]

I feel like your read of what constitutes a gay incel is a bit too broad. There are gay incels that match basically the same archetype of straight incels but the reason they’re incels is for the same reason the straight ones.

 

Gays who choose not to partake in hypersexuality or exclusively have sex with people they’re romantically involved in are by definition not an incel. Even beyond that, the fact that much of what connects gay men socially is alcohol.

[St. Charles]

Just now, Bloo said:

I'm genuinely confused by what you're describing? Are you describing gay men who are upset with a lot of the hypersexualization of the gay community? Not being able to find a boyfriend? What is it? And how is this concordant with patterns found in typical incel communities?

 

Well, for one, the truth is the gay community is hypersexualized. If I want to go to a space to reliably meet other gay men, it's going to be a gay bar or club and they're not great atmospheres to sit down and have a memorable conversation. The last time I went to a club, it was a bunch of shirtless men making out and what not. It's inherently sexual. That's totally fine, but it's not for everyone. A widely accessible platform is Grindr. I don't need to explain how this is a sexual platform. There are, of course, alternative gay scenes. But these only exist in highly dense urban areas. I don't think this frustration is remotely comparable to a bunch of typical incels whining about no woman wanting to date them and what not. There are very real social and environmental barriers for gay men to meet other gay men to form lasting relationships that they have every right to vent about.

 

As for your imagination of "40 single gay men sitting in a room together" where is this happening? In my hometown, there was nowhere for gays to go. In the nearby "big city" of 350,000 people, the only gay spot that wasn't a club was a little GSA office that could fit 20 people max.

 

There's inherently a lot of isolation for LGBTQ+ people and they are allowed to be frustrated with it without being compared to incels which literally commit acts of violence against women.

I should have specified what I’m talking about a bit more.

 

I don’t consider someone who isn’t able to find a boyfriend for practical or logistical reasons being a part of this group. There are, as you’ve stated, a lot of people who may grow up in a conservative country or state where other gay men have low visibility. 
 

The only reason I’ve drawn a parallel is that there seems to be a growing number of people, usually online where many of these things happen, who may share similar critiques about the gay community or men in general. The point isn’t about the particular critiques, it’s more the hypocrisy around them.

For example, one guy might say

A: “I hate how men never look your way unless you’re attractive. There’s more to a person than just looks.”

B: “That’s so true… Ooh! Here’s a guy you might like.”

A: “Lol no, he isn’t my type at all sorry.”

It’s fine to have critiques, and I agree with many of them, but it seems like people are applying double standards to themselves at times. Some of the same people who complain about ghosting, ghost others. Some people who complain about hyper-sexuality turn around and have a “hoe phase” after they lose weight or hit the gym / become more attractive.
 

This is more about hypocrisy rather than people who are in unfortunate circumstances.

[glitch]

The complaints about hypersexuality do annoy me for the very reason you have stated: there's literally so many gay men with this complaint. I'm not really that into hookup culture and I've never had much difficulty finding guys who just want to go on dates. But if some people like hookups then that's their prerogative. Both groups can co-exist.

 

I think gay incels are something completely separate though, as others have pointed out.

[Bloo]

1 minute ago, St. Charles said:

For example, one guy might say

A: “I hate how men never look your way unless you’re attractive. There’s more to a person than just looks.”

B: “That’s so true… Ooh! Here’s a guy you might like.”

A: “Lol no, he isn’t my type at all sorry.”

It’s fine to have critiques, and I agree with many of them, but it seems like people are applying double standards to themselves at times. Some of the same people who complain about ghosting, ghost others. Some people who complain about hyper-sexuality turn around and have a “hoe phase” after they lose weight or hit the gym / become more attractive.
 

This is more about hypocrisy rather than people who are in unfortunate circumstances.

This is just being a hypocrite, but it's very off to call these people remotely comparable to incels. The term "incel" is a loaded term that carries so much weight that we shouldn't throw it out flippantly because people are having very normal (albeit hypocritical) dating frustrations.

[as-usual]

It’s a weird combination of not viewing other people as humans, and having terrible self-esteem so they need to see other people as beneath them.

 

i had a lowkey incel lesbian flatmate once and it was such an unhealthy obsession for her.

[St. Charles]

1 minute ago, Bloo said:

This is just being a hypocrite, but it's very off to call these people remotely comparable to incels. The term "incel" is a loaded term that carries so much weight that we shouldn't throw it out flippantly because people are having very normal (albeit hypocritical) dating frustrations.

I agree with you. Maybe it’s just difficult to carry the term incel over to gays because a defining characteristic of “incel culture” is the deep misogyny / resentment toward women. But there likely won’t be the same type hatred of men from other gay men, it’d manifest more as self-hatred which is something quite different. So that was my bad for trying to equate the two.

[BrokenMachine]

Incel stands for 'involuntary celibate' which is not just a straights thing 

[Beyonnaise]

I agree with @Bloo’s above post.

 

I think a fair amount of gays are unhappy with how current gay culture doesn’t seem to foster long term meaningful relationships — it’s more about fun, fleeting sex. This is fine for those who want this and don’t want strings attached, but a lot of people do want something more lasting and substantial. Anecdotally, myself and the other gays I know that are in long term relationships, none of us met our partners through apps — it was usually through friends or shared activities. This probably sounds kind of rare though, because in order for it to happen two single gays have to both be looking for something long term and willing to commit while also meeting by chance in a situation where they weren’t first seeking out a relationship. I’m sure there are LTR gays who did meet on an app, but it sounds like it’s kinda less of a thing? Please correct me if I’m wrong. So I can see it being frustrating for someone who doesn’t have a person they’re compatible with fall into their lap in real life, so the only options are waiting around at loud clubs hoping for Mr. Right to saunter in, or swiping through faces which people of all orientations can agree feels a bit soulless by comparison.

Edited December 20, 2023 by Beyonnaise

[Pikachoo]

I have never dated anyone, although I would like to, because of my own massive insecurities. do I count as a gay incel?

[BussC,XOXO]

54 minutes ago, Bloo said:

I'm genuinely confused by what you're describing? Are you describing gay men who are upset with a lot of the hypersexualization of the gay community? Not being able to find a boyfriend? What is it? And how is this concordant with patterns found in typical incel communities?

 

Well, for one, the truth is the gay community is hypersexualized. If I want to go to a space to reliably meet other gay men, it's going to be a gay bar or club and they're not great atmospheres to sit down and have a memorable conversation. The last time I went to a club, it was a bunch of shirtless men making out and what not. It's inherently sexual. That's totally fine, but it's not for everyone. A widely accessible platform is Grindr. I don't need to explain how this is a sexual platform. There are, of course, alternative gay scenes. But these only exist in highly dense urban areas. I don't think this frustration is remotely comparable to a bunch of typical incels whining about no woman wanting to date them and what not. There are very real social and environmental barriers for gay men to meet other gay men to form lasting relationships that they have every right to vent about.

 

As for your imagination of "40 single gay men sitting in a room together" where is this happening? In my hometown, there was nowhere for gays to go. In the nearby "big city" of 350,000 people, the only gay spot that wasn't a club was a little GSA office that could fit 20 people max.

 

There's inherently a lot of isolation for LGBTQ+ people and they are allowed to be frustrated with it without being compared to incels which literally commit acts of violence against women.

—

EDIT: It's important to note that an incel is not somebody that complains about how it's hard to find a partner. A lot of perfectly fine, pleasant, and normal people will complain about the challenges of dating because complaining about daily things is normal and dating is an everyday thing. With a quick Wikipedia search, you'd know that incels are...

 

 

i was confused as to what the OP was going for too. those things are valid criticisms and I’m tired of people thinking that just because you complain about normalized behavior or certain facets of the gay community it makes you self hating, pick me or in this case…. an incel

 

people need to stop using words they don’t understand.

Edited December 20, 2023 by Cult Leader 𐕣𐕣

[Happylittlepunk]

Incels are just miserable people. Incels is not just about dating it’s them hating life in general and happiness. If someone is happy then they have to find a way to turn it into something negative. Incels want women that look like models or 10/10. They won’t settle down with an average girl or a girl who also conservative like them. The same could be said about gay incels. They won’t settle for any guy who gives them an inch of attention nope they want model looking gays or the ones they see on corn  sites only. 

[GraceRandolph]

Honestly we’ve just become extremely atomized. People used to be much more social and met people through friends, but nowadays we can spend most of our time online and don’t have to leave the house for much.