discussion Struggling to remain closeted at workplace/blending in.

[Before Today]

Hey guys so it's a bit personal than the usual pop threads. But I live in a conservative country and it's challenging for me to exist as a closeted gay man in the office since our culture is quite collectivist so the invasive questions like what's your religion (yes), do you have a boyfriend/girlfriend as a small talk will inevitably happen. And it did happen in my previous workplace, I didn't give specific answers but I did answer just to be polite you know? And turns out they somehow collected all the hints and hunted down my partner's socials and made it a group talk behind me, which is very rude/invasive of my personal space. I know it's my fault for giving them what they want (although I thought I was being general enough with my answers). Any tips on how to survive the office? If I remain distant and not engage with my coworkers that much, it'll also be a problem because they're gonna think I'm aloof or it doesn't create a "collaborative" feel. I don't know about gays who live in an accepting country, but it's SO frustrating to keep one huge part of your life and not wanting to be judged for it but also you have to interact with people. It feels alienating too and you have to be on 'alert' all the time about not "oversharing" that might lead them to think you're different.

 

If there's a straight pill let me know! All the straight people making our lives harder than it actually is making me want to prescribe one 

[BaddieBarb]

Just come out. Unless your country punishes gay people with death, coming out in a conservative country is not that bad. All you’ll get is judged but who cares what they think? 

Edited December 17, 2023 by BaddieBarb

[TouchinFree]

That's terrible what they did. Would be a major issue for me but stay poised and stoic and relax because it sounds like they're trying to get under your skin and get a reaction. 

 

To me work is work. I go there to get money and thats that. I do not trust a single soul with my life. Im friendly and open but i NEVER share accurate info. It's not about being standoffish at all but it's business and that's how it is. 

 

Don't come out EVER and be pressured into doing so. Doing that should be on your own terms.  

[jesus del rey]

I lived and grew up in a conservative country so I can understand what you are going through very well. At some point, even if you give hints or not, they'll figure it out. So don't blame yourself for what happened in your previous work experience. What you can do is try to keep your composure. It's easier said than done, I know it, and work consumes an important part of our lives, but unfortunately this is something some of us have to face. I hope your new workplace is not invasive like the previous one and is acceptive of you. 

[Anthinos]

I'm sorry that you have to go through something like this. How conservative is your country? Personally, I would just be honest as long as I don't live in a country where you are punished for it. Why should I hide? I'm not a criminal. But you should keep work and private life separate and I find such invasive questions strange.

[Janet]

It's none of their business what your relationship status is. Keep them guessing!

[Before Today]

56 minutes ago, BaddieBarb said:

Just come out. Unless your country punishes gay people with death, coming out in a conservative country is not that bad. All you’ll get is judged but who cares what they think? 

Maybe if I'm in the West I can be like this, but I'm not and people will certainly talk and I just want keep some things private. I can't have that if people know it and talk about it, the stigma is also quite rampant. It would save me from a lot of unnecessary trouble by not coming out. You won't go to jail or get death penalty for it here, but the social punishment is still there.

 

44 minutes ago, TouchinFree said:

That's terrible what they did. Would be a major issue for me but stay poised and stoic and relax because it sounds like they're trying to get under your skin and get a reaction. 

 

To me work is work. I go there to get money and thats that. I do not trust a single soul with my life. Im friendly and open but i NEVER share accurate info. It's not about being standoffish at all but it's business and that's how it is. 

 

Don't come out EVER and be pressured into doing so. Doing that should be on your own terms.  

Thank you!

 

43 minutes ago, jesus del rey said:

I lived and grew up in a conservative country so I can understand what you are going through very well. At some point, even if you give hints or not, they'll figure it out. So don't blame yourself for what happened in your previous work experience. What you can do is try to keep your composure. It's easier said than done, I know it, and work consumes an important part of our lives, but unfortunately this is something some of us have to face. I hope your new workplace is not invasive like the previous one and is acceptive of you. 

RIGHT! I hope so and thank you for your words. 

[PillowCase]

Can you find a job that has some home office days, at least a few times a week? They can't ask you questions like this when you are not in one space with them.

[Odette Violet]

I have the same experience but Irdgaf. I guess I'm lucky as well since my work right now is 100% remote. I don't need to deal with office dramas and politics. 

 

 

As what the other user said here?  Maybe find another job or something that won't requires you to work on site most of the time? 

Edited December 17, 2023 by Odette Violet

[Mr. Blue_Shirt]

I had the same thing in my former workplace too, where my co-workers were too nosey, asking about my personal lives during small talk, and I usually just lie a lot to them because, like you, I also live in a more conservative country, and thankfully they ate it up LMAO

 

But at the end of the day they're just your co-workers, and workplace gossip sadly are part of our sh*tty work life

 

I truly hope it won't become a toxic environment for you. Sending you love OP

[She-Rah]

I’m sorry you have to experience this… 

 

im not sure what to suggest since I live in the US and in a liberal state with laws that protect queer people.

 

you should come out when you’re ready and don’t feel forced by any of them to do so. 

[DonnaSpring]

best to come out and ignore them, keeping it a lie makes it mysterious and they will keep trying to find an answer 

[alexrex]

I get where you're coming from. I live in an allegedly open minded country, but still can feel the struggle because the pressure against LGBTQ+ people still exists. And also, the atmosphere at the work place is kind of tense because everyone talks about you behind your back, and then get to you and smile at your face (Hypocrisy at its best) 

 

What I've tried to do is be in control of the narrative and try to keep the conversation as generic as I can. I share certain things to engage in the conversation, but I refuse to give any details about what I do at home.

 

I don't want my private life being in the mouth of random strangers and I refuse to take a part in gossiping about people's lives. 

[baelani]

Can you get them done for harassment and bullying by HR? Because there is no way they should be prying into your personal life like that when you have your boundaries 

 

[State of Grace.]

Girl not some of yall telling OP to come out, no ****. They would have done it if that was possible 

 

My best advice would be to just lie your way out of it honestly. Never give them the answers that they want to hear and always keep it generic as ****. I know its very frustrating to feel like you're pretending to be someone that you're not, but that's what we have to do in these environments. They're just coworkers at the end of the day and they don't need to know any details about your personal life. Surround yourself with accepting and non-judgemental people outside of your workplace and it'll hopefully make it feel better/less shitty.

[hyde]

5 hours ago, Before Today said:

Hey guys so it's a bit personal than the usual pop threads. But I live in a conservative country and it's challenging for me to exist as a closeted gay man in the office since our culture is quite collectivist so the invasive questions like what's your religion (yes), do you have a boyfriend/girlfriend as a small talk will inevitably happen. And it did happen in my previous workplace, I didn't give specific answers but I did answer just to be polite you know? And turns out they somehow collected all the hints and hunted down my partner's socials and made it a group talk behind me, which is very rude/invasive of my personal space. I know it's my fault for giving them what they want (although I thought I was being general enough with my answers). Any tips on how to survive the office? If I remain distant and not engage with my coworkers that much, it'll also be a problem because they're gonna think I'm aloof or it doesn't create a "collaborative" feel. I don't know about gays who live in an accepting country, but it's SO frustrating to keep one huge part of your life and not wanting to be judged for it but also you have to interact with people. It feels alienating too and you have to be on 'alert' all the time about not "oversharing" that might lead them to think you're different.

 

If there's a straight pill let me know! All the straight people making our lives harder than it actually is making me want to prescribe one 

Honestly same. I'm in a country where being gay can be punishable by death, it's really just a matter of hiding for me until I'm old enough to move out

[DamianSolo]

I'd just lie, or be incredibly vague with my answers to where they're ultimately satisfied. "I currently don't have a girlfriend, nor am I interested in a relationship just yet. I just want to work on myself, save money and have life experiences before I settle down."

 

I don't how nosy people are, but the above quote is one I've used before and people backed off afterwards—even respecting me for that. I'm not necessarily hiding anything nowadays, but I'm also not obligated to tell anyone my business if I don't want to. I don't know what kind of culture you're in, specifically, but just circumvent those questions with vague lies. Don't say you have a girlfriend when you really don't. If you're asked about what type of girls you'd be into, just lie and say whatever is considered beautiful in your culture.

[Tropez]

12 hours ago, Shaner69 said:

Honestly I know this sounds hard but just come out. You will realise the people that care about you. They will stick around the rest are not worth it. 

 

I did this and I got more friends. I lost the shitty ones. 

This person lives in a conservative country. Are you out of your mind? Or do you live in a bubble? Not many people can “just come out”. Homosexuality isn’t accepted everywhere. In some places it can get you killed. 

[Off The Wall]

14 hours ago, BaddieBarb said:

Just come out. Unless your country punishes gay people with death, coming out in a conservative country is not that bad. All you’ll get is judged but who cares what they think? 

teas

[Devin]

1. sorry you’re going thru that. 
 

2. im rude and hate small talk, so any convo at work that i feel is too personal or outta pocket i just flat out tell ppl its none of ur business….

 

y’all are there to work & get paid. the ppl who are genuinely curious to get to know u OR isnt judgmental they will make efforts outside work hours. 

[kandicha]

i think we're from the same country, but i live in the u.s. now. i do remember that struggle from when i last studied/worked there... sending love 

 

to answer your question, i tried to be very friendly and chatty at the workplace but only about non-personal subjects (tv shows... movies... weather... et cetera) and when they started prying into my personal life, i just lied that i was single and told them that i hadn't met anyone who met my high expectations. then they were still gossiping about me behind my back, but at least they were gossiping that i had unreasonably crazy high standards for a partner, rather than gossiping about my sexuality  

 

after i had worked there for a while and got to know everyone better, i did figure out who the few people who were more open-minded and whom i could trust were and i was able to be more open with them which made working there much more bearable!

[Maroonx]

awww babes, sorry that you're going through this. This is horrible :(

[Digitalism]

Block everybody from socials and keep them guessing 

[Alyssa Edwards]

You should NOT be feeling this much pressure or any stress at ALL. First of all.

You don't know these people and you don't give a f*** about them. You make your money and you come home, they have nothing to do with your personal happiness and they literally should almost have no space in your brain outside of work. It's just a job.

 

Good luck

[spree]

if your job makes you feel uncomfortable, find a job that doesn't.  I know fully well what toxic environments are like.  If you can't do that, just don't talk about your personal life.  You aren't obligated to say anything.  Maybe find one person at work you connect with and go from there.  If you can't connect with a single person I would advise looking for work elsewhere.  Life is too short to be miserable.