discussion How do you get over someone who was perfect for you?

[lustforyou]

Im posting here for advice because I know my friends (who have been there for me to lean on so much) are tired of hearing about it lol

 

Very, very long story short-ish, I have limited experience with actually talking to/dating guys outside of hookups from Grindr, and was used to getting ghosted after a hookup. Beyond that though, there's only been one other guy I've ever been emotionally invested in, and that was barely. I honestly thought I was aromantic or something and incapable of loving 

 

Well, me and this guy match, we start texting/FaceTiming 24/7, and by the fourth day I go to his apartment for the first time. We spent the next 2 months talking 24/7 and basically living together, having hours-long talks about every possible subject, me breaking down all my walls. He brought me soup when I was sick, picked me up when I was out with friends at the clubs, would comment on my Insta posts. I know those are all bare minimum things, but I never got even half of that before from anyone I was interested in. He was moving for a summer job and I found his apartment for him and he asked me to come live with him in it (my summer internship was WFH and my parents and lots of friends live in the city he was moving to so it was perfect)

 

All the sudden he got distant, after a lot of prodding he revealed that his ex of a year and him broke up just a month before meeting me because his ex had cheated, but the ex reached out and apologized, and he had stronger feelings for his ex. He was crying and said that I treat him better and he has feeling for me but that he couldn't shake the feelings and history with his ex. We talked for another week, then he sent the final text saying hes extremely sorry but they're gonna work it out

 

This was 6 months ago and I just can't move on. Before I even met him, he was my exact type on paper. But way beyond that, the fact that we got along so well, saw the world the same way, he treated me so well, and I felt completely comfortable around him in a way I never have with anyone. I wish he did something awful like cheating or even just being rude to me, but his only flaw was not telling me how recently he was single. Even then, he told me within a day of his ex hitting him up (I can tell the exact day it happened because of his mood shift), was crying when he was telling me because he knew how much it was hurting me, and was extremely apologetic and let me go through my anger/sadness with him and just took it. I wish I did something wrong too so I could blame myself, but it's literally just the fact that I didnt meet him sooner

 

During our last conversation of him apologizing and me basically being pathetic pleading for him, he told me he was gonna have to block me afterwards for his ex-now-current boyfriend's sake (which also sucks because it shows he's even super loyal), so I've had to try to process this alone. I've kept telling myself that his boyfriend was gonna cheat again and that would be the final straw and he'd come back, but it's been 6 months of no contact for us and them still being together. I just can't move forward and wondering how y'all have when you got dumped :,)

Edited November 16, 2023 by lustforyou

[Arrows]

You’ll realize he wasn’t that great at some point.

 

Edit: you can start off by accepting he was an idiot for going back to the cheating ex. They will cheat again one day, and even they don’t, he’ll live with doubt and insecurity forever.

Edited November 16, 2023 by Arrows

[Bhabylon]

It wasn’t love, it was a perfect illusion sis

[jesus del rey]

How is he "loyal" yet he was still in contact with his ex, who cheated on him, while he was inviting you to live with him for the summer? 

 

[wildsidenormani]

 

oh wow that's horrible of him...i hope you're okay sister

[EtherealCat]

he was using you to make his ex jealous, why else would he have to block you but couldnt block his supposedly cheating ex?

[alexrex]

Get a new boyfriend 

 

 

[Cesar]

Quote

Well, me and this guy match, we start texting/FaceTiming 24/7, and by the fourth day I go to his apartment for the first time. We spent the next 2 months talking 24/7 and basically living together, having hours-long talks about every possible subject, me breaking down all my walls. He brought me soup when I was sick, picked me up when I was out with friends at the clubs, would comment on my Insta posts. I know those are all bare minimum things, but I never got even half of that before from anyone I was interested in. He was moving for a summer job and I found his apartment for him and he asked me to come live with him in it (my summer internship was WFH and my parents and lots of friends live in the city he was moving to so it was perfect)

Whenever a love starts off so strong like this (basically kinda love bombing) know that it never ends well.

 

--

 

it'll take time, but soon enough you'll realize he wasn't perfect to begin with

[Pendulum]

I go psycho until he blocks me, he did last week

[JohnWayneHolland]

You'll never get over him, it'll just hurt less over time 

[vuelve88]

I'm so sorry. That's a terrible situation to be in, since it's completely out of your control. It's already been 6 months of no contact, so I think his decision is clear. You deserve someone who makes you their priority and chooses you every time. 

[dumbsparce]

Reminder that no matter how "perfect" someone is, they still stink, take a sh*t and vomit under the right circumstances. Hope this helps.

[Great808]

He moved onto you that fast after getting out of his relationship means he is someone that needs a man in his life and doesn’t fall in love because he has love to give but because he needs action, attention, and validation. His ex will break his heart again and he will learn his lesson. 

[gatito]

sounds like you were basically rebound which sucks but if he wasn't honest about recently ending a year long relationship i guess you already started on shaky ground

 

over time you realize that nobody's actually perfect and we're all flawed as human beings but if you did experience a true connection with someone it can totally happen again with someone else 

Edited November 16, 2023 by gatito

[ugo]

Find a hobby 

[Claymore]

1 hour ago, Caesar said:

Whenever a love starts off so strong like this (basically kinda love bombing) know that it never ends well.

 

--

 

it'll take time, but soon enough you'll realize he wasn't perfect to begin with

Preach, my ex had BPD and the first two months were heaven. Then it became hell.

 

 

 

[harwee]

Perfect does not exist

[peacok]

Being in this situation sucks but you will learn from this experience to stop putting people on a pedestal, he isn't as perfect as you think he is, you just haven't realized it yet. Just move forward and focus on yourself, block his number, stop checking his social media, etc.

[BOOMBAYAH]

He went back to a cheating ex, lmao. That clown is a dud. But, in all honesty, time heals all wounds. I don't know if it's the best advice, but for me, I just let myself go through it and didn't force myself to be "over it" immediately when I couldn't get over this guy. It took an embarrassingly long time, but now I am over him to the point where I bumped into him a few years later and didn't feel anything (mind you this was a man that for a good year I was crying over and thinking about 24/7 - and like you, at the time, thought he was perfect and put him on a pedestal). 

 

I let myself stalk him and think about him, and after some time, I started to put restrictions up (only insta stalk him twice a week, lol). Then, eventually, I tried not to think or look him up, and my feelings slowly went away. It takes time. But my ex was also stupid like yours, so when you put him on that pedestal, remember his stupidity (In your case, he left a loving man - you - who cares for him for a man who cheated on him). Although it is hard, because in the moment we love them so much, but trust me after time has passed you'll look back like "Wow, I can't believe I fell so hard for that." 
 

[Cesar]

1 hour ago, Claymore said:

Preach, my ex had BPD and the first two months were heaven. Then it became hell.

 

 

 

people with BPD aren’t that bad… narcissists however

[Haschwalth]

i- wtf

[DamianSolo]

From my own personal experience, I haven't. It's been over 10 years now and I still think about him.

[Alldeezy]

you don't.

[s-60staliniec]

On 11/16/2023 at 9:49 PM, lustforyou said:

Im posting here for advice because I know my friends (who have been there for me to lean on so much) are tired of hearing about it lol

 

Very, very long story short-ish, I have limited experience with actually talking to/dating guys outside of hookups from Grindr, and was used to getting ghosted after a hookup. Beyond that though, there's only been one other guy I've ever been emotionally invested in, and that was barely. I honestly thought I was aromantic or something and incapable of loving 

 

Well, me and this guy match, we start texting/FaceTiming 24/7, and by the fourth day I go to his apartment for the first time. We spent the next 2 months talking 24/7 and basically living together, having hours-long talks about every possible subject, me breaking down all my walls. He brought me soup when I was sick, picked me up when I was out with friends at the clubs, would comment on my Insta posts. I know those are all bare minimum things, but I never got even half of that before from anyone I was interested in. He was moving for a summer job and I found his apartment for him and he asked me to come live with him in it (my summer internship was WFH and my parents and lots of friends live in the city he was moving to so it was perfect)

 

All the sudden he got distant, after a lot of prodding he revealed that his ex of a year and him broke up just a month before meeting me because his ex had cheated, but the ex reached out and apologized, and he had stronger feelings for his ex. He was crying and said that I treat him better and he has feeling for me but that he couldn't shake the feelings and history with his ex. We talked for another week, then he sent the final text saying hes extremely sorry but they're gonna work it out

 

This was 6 months ago and I just can't move on. Before I even met him, he was my exact type on paper. But way beyond that, the fact that we got along so well, saw the world the same way, he treated me so well, and I felt completely comfortable around him in a way I never have with anyone. I wish he did something awful like cheating or even just being rude to me, but his only flaw was not telling me how recently he was single. Even then, he told me within a day of his ex hitting him up (I can tell the exact day it happened because of his mood shift), was crying when he was telling me because he knew how much it was hurting me, and was extremely apologetic and let me go through my anger/sadness with him and just took it. I wish I did something wrong too so I could blame myself, but it's literally just the fact that I didnt meet him sooner

 

During our last conversation of him apologizing and me basically being pathetic pleading for him, he told me he was gonna have to block me afterwards for his ex-now-current boyfriend's sake (which also sucks because it shows he's even super loyal), so I've had to try to process this alone. I've kept telling myself that his boyfriend was gonna cheat again and that would be the final straw and he'd come back, but it's been 6 months of no contact for us and them still being together. I just can't move forward and wondering how y'all have when you got dumped :,)

cope. nah for real if he was perfect for you you would still be toghether, just keepp on living thats it **** happends it is what it is

[zasderfght]

On 11/16/2023 at 6:14 PM, Caesar said:

people with BPD aren’t that bad… narcissists however

Eh, I had a bad dating experience with someone that has Borderline. And yes, I'm aware when you've met 1 person with Borderline, you've met 1 person with Borderline, but it was out of control. At the end of the date, he told me "if things don't go past the first date, it's me, not you. I get in my head a lot." After one date, when I told him I liked the first date and was ready for the second, he acted like I was the worst person on the planet and told me him texting him "caused him to spiral." Not to mention he said we went too "fast" on the first date, except he was the one pushing for sex-- not me. I actually said on the first date "Maybe we can think about sex later." Then he blocked me on all socials after he told me he was "spiraling." When he was asking for people to go out for a drink with, I offered, and he tells me "you don't drink." Then I see he added me on an app I haven't used in years. 

 

Fortunately, I've grown from the experience, but yeah, I would say BPD can really be that bad. Granted, I bet there's people that have BPD that have great relationships. It's possible this was a guy who had no idea what he wanted.