ATRL Moderator Element Posted November 11, 2023 ATRL Moderator Posted November 11, 2023 @Jackson you’re up!
Jackson Posted November 11, 2023 Author Posted November 11, 2023 We've already embraced the spooky sounds of Halloween, but autumn has so much left to offer... Put on your coziest sweater and take a sip of that Starbucks, because this round, we're embracing full autumnal vibes 🍁. For this round, we want you to dive into the essence of autumn and all its associated colors, moods, and themes. Your challenge is to write a song with an autumn theme - whether it's about the leaves changing colors, the comforting feeling of a cozy sweater, or the emotions you associate with the season. Think of songs that would fit perfectly on a fall-themed album, like Taylor Swift's evermore. Your task is to craft lyrics that capture the essence of the season. You're free to explore any genre, style, or structure for your song, as long as it transports us to the wonderful world of autumn. Entries are due via Google Form submission by November 16th, 11:59 PM Eastern Time. If you have any questions or need clarification, feel free to tag any of this season’s judges, @Jackson, @Aurora, and @XO_Life. Sign-ups are open all season long, and anybody is free to join – just submit your song to sign up and embrace the cozy, autumnal vibes! 🍁 @Kayseri Mantisi @Hug @Legend E @stupidjock @worldwide angel @Antikythera @Hey Dude @blackoutbaby @Invisibility @fountain @Prisoner @réveuse @punisher @JonginBey 2
Jackson Posted November 11, 2023 Author Posted November 11, 2023 1 minute ago, Element said: @Jackson you’re up! hkjasda always coming out of the woordwork just when we need you! 1
Jackson Posted November 11, 2023 Author Posted November 11, 2023 the challenge name wouldn't fit in the thread title
XO_Life Posted November 11, 2023 Posted November 11, 2023 I have to postpone my reviews and rating till monday. Sorry for the delay. 1
worldwide angel Posted November 11, 2023 Posted November 11, 2023 2 hours ago, Jackson said: What a strong week! At this point, I've given everyone somewhere between a 7-9, which is a testament to how competent and consistent you all are. Round 4 will be coming very very soong. hurricane326 – Your Perversion Wow, you’re on a roll this season! You’ve earned a 9+ from me each round this season so far, and you’ll absolutely be continuing that streak this week. This was an unconventional diss track, but it absolutely fits the brief. Yet again, you’ve shown a mastery of all the core pillars of songwriting. Your structure is solid, and the outro at the end is such a highlight. As usual, each of your lyrics is seeping with emotion. Lines like “How dare you feel pleasure?/How dare I feel pain” show such a raw emotion that, whether this is a personal song or not, feel autobiographical and pull the reader into the story. Each word here feels precise, almost handpicked for optimal impact, but not in a contrived way. “When I tug and jerk until pleasure nears” certainly paints a vivid picture, no matter how uncomfortable. Some of these more intimate lines, like “when my cavity aches for entry” are a bit uncomfortable, but I think feeling discomfort is a further testament to how well you immerse the reader in your lyrics. This is an uncomfortable subject matter, and you don’t shy away from it. So far, whatever advice I would offer this season wouldn’t be much good, because you’ve continually impressed me each round. Great job again! @stupidjock – Villa With a Swimming Pool / The History of Masculinity Whew, I could already tell this was ambitious just reading your title. I can already see similarities between this and some of your past entries, specifically in round 1. I’m starting to get a feel for your style, and I think you’ve continually developed and improved it each week. I’m happy you went for a longer, riskier entry this week, because it gave your lyrics room to grow and time for the storyline to play out. What I loved most about this entry is that you went all in with metaphors and descriptive imagery, things you’ve played with but not fully invested in in the past. The song built throughout as well. The outro/part 2 section is the absolute highlight for me and pretty near perfect. “There is no me before him anymore/Most of what I was, I drowned in the swimming pool/The rest rests in the sea” was a perfect run of lines, and exactly the type of writing I hope you continue in the future. There were a lot of other highlights for me, from “I went outside of myself so he could love me/Then he left me to my internal exile” to “I’m just not sure who is making the decisions/Is it me or is it his voice coming from within?”. There were a few times where I felt like you were setting us up for a big punchline or profound moment, but then didn’t quite take us there. “It’s by the sea”, for example, didn’t feel integral to the story other than putting the villa in a geographic location. Elsewhere, “desert running through your veins” was a brilliant metaphor, while “when your mind sends you a receipt” didn’t add much. Similarly, the hand on the leg and buying the narrator a villa build the image of a manipulative or all-consuming man, but the tequila soda line didn’t have the same effect. In short, this was an excellent song with a lot of thought and attention to detail, my only suggestion would be to give us even MORE of that in future rounds, where every single lyrics feels purposeful and impactful. Regardless, this song was a triumph and made me extremely excited for what else you have in store for us this season. @Hug – Romancing Saga I love this Hug Cinematic Universe you’re building this season. I’m really glad you chose XO’s challenge. I think you have a knack for writing fun, witty pop songs, and this was a cool concept to choose, although I think you could have leaned into it even more. When you mention seeing Mr. OF “ ‘round the town”, “at the bar”, “walk[ing] in a room”, it detracts a little bit from that sense of distanced idolization elsewhere in the song. Perhaps these real-life situations are imagined, but if that’s the case, I think making them less realistic and more fantastical would help build that feeling. In terms of crafting a convincing pop song, though, you’ve absolutely hit the mark. Even small things like the internal rhyming in “pep in his step…/fly as the sky” and the apostrophized words help build that casual, trendy sound. I could absolutely see the instagays eating this up, and as you mention, this could end up being more of a Montero than a Rush and catch on universally. Regardless, I think writing a niche gay TikTok song fits the challenge as well! More specifically, lyrics from the rap like “But right below the waist is how he rakes in the cash” and “He’s a size king’s dream/And god damn does he own it” would work perfectly as thirst trap captions. This is absolutely a solid pop song and fits the challenge well - I think the main thing you could have done to make this even stronger would be to commit even more to the online lover/OF theme. @Legend E – Childhood Dreams I like your technique of presenting your song as if it’s a story told on stage. I can imagine the lone spotlight on you, the curtains opening, and the candid emotions being spoken out. You do a great job of setting the scene here, with references to foggy mornings and crowded stairs. I really love the first verse and references to a place that both made and destroyed you. A school is such a formative place that shapes the entire rest of our lives, but it also is a source of trauma for so many people. I love the candor throughout the piece, as it makes the emotional elements feel very real and raw. Because of that, I think the air balloon motif was a bit out of place. Having that imagery only come up a couple times makes it feel unnecessary. I think you should have either expanded upon that theme or left it out, and really I don’t think it was needed here. There were a couple other words that seemed imprecise. Slaughtered, for example, is probably a bit too harsh for a pensive song like this. Otherwise, I think this was a very strong piece. I love how you tackle the human mind. The “reflection” line near the end is one of my favorites from any song this season, and you end the song on a high note. For me, this is an improvement from last week and one of your best I’ve read. @punisher – Off-Brand Not the wild hog line right at the start - you didn’t come to play with these hoes! You absolutely understood the assignment. This was exactly what I was envisioning when I wrote my challenge. There are so many clever lines here. “The only thing you beat is your small-ass dick” is iconic, as is “I’ll pop you harder than the pimples on your face”. It’s hard to provide shock value when you already start so in-your-face, but you continued to deliver strong lines throughout the song. “You’re not top **** so take it up the bum” (and rhyming “mum” with “cum” and “bum”) made me choke - you really delivered on this challenge. Not every single line had equal impact - I don’t think “he who must not be named” really fit, and “your life is heading towards the fast food” was a bit awkwardly phrased. These felt like lyrics meant to be rapped, so I think creating a more consistent meter would have also done a lot of accentuate the sharpness of your lyrics. For example, “when you’re rotting all the way down in hell” was a few too many syllables to be impactful. Still, I think you absolutely hit the mark with your chorus. The repeated “got that” hook was catchy, and it was an example of a section where your flow helped strengthen the lyrics. This was a great song, and it seems like you had a lot of fun writing it, so great job this week. @worldwide angel - I Don’t Miss You The smash hit challenge was a good one for you. I agree it fits all three to an extent, but it definitely has more aspects of XO’s. Despite still having your signature dreamlike qualities, these lyrics feel a bit more grounded due to the poppy structure. The highlight for me is the chorus. Even though the lyrics are fairly simple, they have an excellent flow - “i don’t miss you, i don’t try/think about you? nevermind” rolls off the tongue so easily. This is also the section of the song that I think best fits the smash hit challenge. I could easily see those lyrics being a caption to an insta post or the background to a TikTok. In the verses, “deadlines are a figment of fake time” was my favorite line (@fountain would agree), and the line where the theme of escapism is most tangible. I do think the verses are bit generic, and although this is a pop song, I think you could have retained that commercial quality while being more devoted to a theme of being away from a negative parent, ex, boss, etc (I actually think choosing one of these would have strengthened the song). Other than the “deadlines” line and “fall in streams of dream, i make believe”, there aren’t any standout catchy lyrics in the verses that I could see dominating social media. Still, there aren’t any bad lines, and your chorus and those few other lines stand on their own to make this a pretty solid entry. @Hey Dude - The Cheering You Up Song (I’ll Always Be There) I’m glad you decided to submit! This was a really cool take on the challenge. I love these kinds of empowerment songs. Golden Hit songs tend to be more somber or pointed, and those songs are excellent as well, but having some positive songs like this provides much-needed balance. Verse 2 was my favorite. It reminds me of “You Can’t Win” by Kelly Clarkson, and “can’t seem to get it right, but that’s alright” is a strong line. The second pre-chorus continues this strength with “you’ve crashed off-course, you’re bruised and sore/hurts even worse inside your soul” - the flow of these lines is immaculate, and further strengthens the strong lyrics. There were a few lines that veered into cheesy/generic territory. Armor taking blows, keeping safe and sound, and flames dimming aren’t exactly new concepts in this type of writing. They can have a place, but I would encourage you to find new ways to convey well-trodden concepts if you’re going to incorporate them, or use imagery or metaphors that convince us that they’re needed. I also almost loved the “shoulders” line, but I think it would make more sense for the broad shoulders to be on someone else (people don’t lean on their own shoulders). Thankfully, you ended the song on a high note with that post-chorus. In all, this was a strong song and perhaps my favorite from you this season, and with a few more edits to strengthen some of the less necessary lines this would have been even more impressive. @fountain - 🎭 Of course you would choose this challenge - “mentality” is kinda the thread that weaves together all of your songs. This title too - can I refer to this as “Mask Emoji”? I need to make a small comment that has nothing to do with how I’m scoring you, but its vs it’s has been beating your ass the past couple weeks. I don’t want to be the grammar police but it does distract me slightly. This was structured like a very typical fountain entry - the breaking the fourth wall, the personification of a bug, the exploration of very mundane topics, and I love that for you. You’re one of those writers where I know we’re going to get a solid entry every week, regardless of the challenge or how you feel about your own song. I do think some of the soliloquy wasn’t integral to the song, particularly the first section. And although I appreciated the rambling structure, perhaps the song could have benefited from a bit of focus. Last week’s entry was a great example of a song that had all of the aspects of a peak fountain song while still revolving around a central theme. Don’t be confused though - this is still an excellent song and will be scored as such. I love how you make me think of things I would never otherwise stop to contemplate. Focusing on the phrase “freeze to death”, talking about the worth of a bug and it being your “captive audience” - honestly brilliant. Lines like “so, wind, wrap around me/do your worst/I promise/I don’t really care” almost veered into pop songwriting territory in a delightful way. This song feels like you at your most genuine, even if it doesn’t take any risks, but for a writer of your caliber, that’s not a bad place to be. thank you looks like my more idiosyncratic and dreamy lyrics seem to be better received but i do want to be a bit more versatile so this review and @Aurora’s is much appreciated 3
Jackson Posted November 11, 2023 Author Posted November 11, 2023 1 hour ago, worldwide angel said: thank you looks like my more idiosyncratic and dreamy lyrics seem to be better received but i do want to be a bit more versatile so this review and @Aurora’s is much appreciated it was definitely still a strong song, but if anything the new scoring method means you can take risks and not have it tank your average - so i’m happy you tried something new this week!
Aurora Posted November 11, 2023 Posted November 11, 2023 1 hour ago, worldwide angel said: thank you looks like my more idiosyncratic and dreamy lyrics seem to be better received but i do want to be a bit more versatile so this review and @Aurora’s is much appreciated I would encourage you to continue working within this realm and striking the perfect balance between those two sides of yourself, absolutely! I still think your song was good, moments like these are exactly why we decided to allow a spare week for experimentation or non-submissions without it affecting a writer's chances of succeeding in the tournament overall.
Hug Posted November 11, 2023 Posted November 11, 2023 So I appreciate the reviews as always ! I do want to respond to all of them but I would like to respond to @Jackson now while I'm at work instead of doing my job. (Why did I get slammed as soon as I typed the word job like it was always something for like 20 minutes ) I wanted the idea to be that there's this guy that's kinda like a celebrity in their town with the narrator becoming obsessed with the guy, seeing him around town and at bars etc. Only to fond out he's really popular on the internet as this OF-type content creator, which only makes the narrator want him more f Still I agree with leaning more into that angle being a good idea and I also think I could rewrite parts of the song so there's room for that!
Jackson Posted November 11, 2023 Author Posted November 11, 2023 19 minutes ago, Hug said: So I appreciate the reviews as always ! I do want to respond to all of them but I would like to respond to @Jackson now while I'm at work instead of doing my job. (Why did I get slammed as soon as I typed the word job like it was always something for like 20 minutes ) I wanted the idea to be that there's this guy that's kinda like a celebrity in their town with the narrator becoming obsessed with the guy, seeing him around town and at bars etc. Only to fond out he's really popular on the internet as this OF-type content creator, which only makes the narrator want him more f Still I agree with leaning more into that angle being a good idea and I also think I could rewrite parts of the song so there's room for that! thanks for letting me further into the hug cinematic universe. that makes more sense from a logical standpoint, although i think my main point that leaning more into the virtual OF angle would be more trendy/interesting/unique still applies. still a pop bop regardless
poki Posted November 12, 2023 Posted November 12, 2023 18 hours ago, Aurora said: Yeah of course, I'll send it to you in a private message now. Thank you @Jackson oh yeah the shoulders line was one of the time-consuming ones lol. I tried to convey the idea that the person in despair wishes there was someone they could lean on. I think this re-write would work better: Wish there were shoulders to lean on when you need them most
poki Posted November 12, 2023 Posted November 12, 2023 Yeah don't be shy to post your tracks everybody. I did an entire CD booklet for my season 4 tracks: (You can open the lyric pics in a new tab if it's hard to read) Spoiler
XO_Life Posted November 12, 2023 Posted November 12, 2023 12 hours ago, Hug said: So I appreciate the reviews as always ! I do want to respond to all of them but I would like to respond to @Jackson now while I'm at work instead of doing my job. (Why did I get slammed as soon as I typed the word job like it was always something for like 20 minutes ) I wanted the idea to be that there's this guy that's kinda like a celebrity in their town with the narrator becoming obsessed with the guy, seeing him around town and at bars etc. Only to fond out he's really popular on the internet as this OF-type content creator, which only makes the narrator want him more f Still I agree with leaning more into that angle being a good idea and I also think I could rewrite parts of the song so there's room for that! All I am going to say is that rewriting it is not a good idea. It is what it is.
Jackson Posted November 12, 2023 Author Posted November 12, 2023 8 hours ago, Hey Dude said: Thank you @Jackson oh yeah the shoulders line was one of the time-consuming ones lol. I tried to convey the idea that the person in despair wishes there was someone they could lean on. I think this re-write would work better: Wish there were shoulders to lean on when you need them most agree, that line reads much better 1
XO_Life Posted November 12, 2023 Posted November 12, 2023 Surprise. I was able to finish early. Everyone did really well this round imo. @Hug - Romancing Saga Yaaas, @you doing the Smash hit challenge! I love that you did that! I got to know your writing style for the last two entries and hoped you would you choose this challenge! As usual, let's take a look at your rhyme scheme... to me... this is flawless. I have nothing to critique here, I wouldn't change a damn thing. Your rap part was so damn tight... just pure fire. You served bars and brought the vibe! That's how you do it! Yaas! Your whole song served confidence and mega bop of the century... I love the confidence, the pure sex your served and just the whole power of the song. Ugh it reminds me so much of greedy by Tate Mcrae. I could see her slaying this! "He’s so perfect for me Some say they want a piece I need the whole damn thing One house, one bed, one wedding, two rings" This whole part is totally going to caption my next pic/vid when I pose it up with a random dude I just met at the club. (I don't actually post anything but you get what I am saying) But let's keep it gangster... your whole song is caption and quote worthy. Trendy and cool AF. Your chorus is totally going viral on TikTok, pretty girls, hot guys and everyone in between are going to use this when showing of their dancing, new cloths, money or make up "To all of the boys that had loved him before That man is mine there’s no room anymore (So bye,) I know what I’m doing" Everyone will be eating this up! I just loved that you didn't use any magical or fantasy elements in this. I get it, we all love to use this kind of imagery but this is by far my favourite entry this whole entire season. In your description you said "I can't say if the GP will connect with this as it is gay gay gay AF" Are you kidding me? I see the GP 100% connecting with this because as you said... this is exuding confidence and dominance. It's such a modern entry. I do see a female singing this song tho. hihihi. You nailed this challenge and in my opinion you should focus on this type of writing way more! Don't get me wrong I love your other entries as well but in my opinion this is where you exceed in. I am only mad that this isn't a real song. @fountain - ???? Let me start off by saying that I really hoped that you would do my challenge. I was looking forward to your Smash hit. Instead you delivered a beautifully written and deep poem that gives the reader something to think about. Life is messy and we all have questions about it. There is also a feeling of "nothingness" and numbness in your poem. I feel the writer isn't sure what to actually tell because it's just to complex to put it into words. To me this is a good fit, as it is reflected in the lyrics which are somewhat confusing - just like life itself. I really like that your poem mirrors the complexity of life and gives the reader ambiguity to interpret the lyrics their own way. I liked that you went for a poem this round and gave us another perspective into your style and story. I would call this poem a great inspiration for a conceptual album. Well done! @Hey Dude - The Cheering You Up Song (I'll Always Be There) First of all... let's just call this one "I'll Always Be There"... what is up with the song titles this season. Those type of songs can feel cringe from start to finish when you don't do it right. There are so many of these songs out there that it is though to write something and doesn't feel like it hasn't been done before... so yeah... Your song felt like a warm hug after you have been through hell. In my opinion, it is beautifully written, and I really love your interpretation of this challenge. To me, this is a beautiful midtempo ballad that is filled with warmth, hope, and love. I remember writing something similar last season and most people thought it was a bit basic and lacked punch... I see how some people could say the same thing for this entry. Luckily, I don't believe that basic = bad/boring. I actually want some people to write on the level that you did! Your rhyme scheme was beautiful (you see a theme here?) And your chorus was really strong. Overall nothing other than simply beautiful & pure came to my mind when reading this song. Very well done. @worldwide angel - I Don't Miss You Combining mine and auroras challenge is definitely a risk. Fortunately for you I think the risk payed off. In my opinion your verses fit more to auroras challenge than to mine while the chorus seemed to be written keeping my challenge in my mind. I assume you first wrote the chorus? With this out of the way... your rhyme scheme was excellent in this entry it gave such a good flow to the whole lyrics. Your chorus definitely has the potential to go viral on Instagram it's very simple (which is a good thing) and leaves no room for ambiguity. You don't miss him! Period! I actually don't see this being a club anthem, I view your song as a R&B/Pop midtempo smash hit. This is mostly due to the strong imagery (angels, heaven, hell). But again, that doesn't take away anything from the song. In my opinion this is a very strong entry and the most challenging out of all the submissions we received this round. Very well done and congrats on writing such a deep song with viral potential! @punisher - Off-Brand *****..... you snapped a bit! Yaas. I am actually going to check the box to my challenge as well because yaass!!! Drag him! Ok, you actually went for it tho. You gave me serious rap vibes with this entry, mostly due to your very tight rhyme scheme. I actually started to rap your song to see if it will flow and guurl it did. Your pre chorus and chorus went the f off. Damn. So glad you joined this competition. Your chorus definitely can go viral on tiktok and insta... no explanation needed! The chrous fits perfectly. There were a few adjustments I would've made ( you could've included fast food chain and make it rhyme with lame) "I’ll pop you harder than the pimples on your face" and line with the grandma's dementia were a bit too much and almost were cringe. But other than this, this is such a strong entry! Very well done. @Legend E - Childhood Dreams I was really disappointed that you didn't went for my challenge. I get that you are going for more emotional entries but I believe that writing pop song would've been the biggest challenge for you as you already exceed in emotional writing. I really liked that there was some repetition this time around. It made your entry more memorable and for me it tied everything together. Well done. Your storytelling, as usual, is very good and draws you in immediately. I liked that you showed that teachers can ultimately have a negative impact on your mental health and I think a lot of people will relate to this. You really did an amazing job but what will it take to get a true pop song from? hurricane326 - Your Perversion I actually would've liked if you took on my challenge but it is what it is. Your entry follows a poetry structure again. But I really enjoyed this entry. I absolutely love the rawness and brutality of your entry. It really took me on a journey. I love that you didn't rely on abstract imagery and just got to the point with your lyrics. It's a really emotional song I could see as an opener for an emotional rollercoaster of an album. With this being said I really would've appreciated a chorus but that seems to be not your style, which is fine but please understand that I really would've loved one to tie everything together even more. Again, I applaud you for the rawness and brutality of this entry! This is what I want see! Very well done! @stupidjock- Villa With a Swimming Pool / The History of Masculinity Let me start by saying that the growth I see in this entry is truly amazing. I get so damn strong evermore vibes from this, it's unreal. This is by far your best entry yet. You mostly abstained from a rhyme scheme in this entry. Usually I would fault you for this but you know what? I didn't think your entry needed one at all. Your chorus gave me Taylor S. Vibes as well but more Red than evermore. I loved the imagery you included in this song. You painted a beautiful picture in my mind and I was hooked reading your lyrics. I really enjoyed that you morphed your choruses, that made your entry so much more memorable and intriguing. "Is it me or is it his voice coming from within?" So simple but really powerful. I loved that you ended your song with a question. The verses were clever and they were such a good read. The Tequila line threw me off a bit but I have nothing else to critique. Such an amazing entry. I loved it! 6 1
ATRL Moderator Legend E Posted November 12, 2023 ATRL Moderator Posted November 12, 2023 Bestie, every time I did a pop bop I flopped. I'd love to try again but well...
Jackson Posted November 12, 2023 Author Posted November 12, 2023 With all comments in, it's time for scoring We'll announce a results time soon 1
Aurora Posted November 12, 2023 Posted November 12, 2023 My scores are in! My highest average yet and nothing below a 7, y'all really brought it this week.
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