Aurora Posted October 27, 2023 Posted October 27, 2023 Not the swift reviews, let me step my game up!
Hug Posted October 27, 2023 Posted October 27, 2023 I was not expecting reiews so early like fr I was at work today joking to myself like "We don't already have the reviews and rankings? 🙄" but well... Also, my slant rhymes are slanting too hard again it seems ‼️ I appreciate your reviews Jackson ✨ 1
Jackson Posted October 28, 2023 Author Posted October 28, 2023 26 minutes ago, Aurora said: Not the swift reviews, let me step my game up! Today's the last day I have access to a computer until Tuesday so it was now or never definitely don't expect this every week!
Aurora Posted October 28, 2023 Posted October 28, 2023 2 hours ago, Jackson said: ⚜ THE SONGS OF ROUND 1 ⚜ Kayseri Mantisi - Land of the Rising Sun hurricane326 -The City (An Ode to Pittsburgh) Hug - Sea of Stars Legend E - Lands stupidjock - Rijeka worldwide angel - Babel Antikythera - Amsterdam (Lekker D) Hey Dude - High blackoutbaby - Paris ***** Invisibility - Corchito fountain - The Square 🚨 Pop Music Emergency! 🚨 12. @Prisoner - The Fishpond Behind My Grandfather's Home
Jackson Posted October 28, 2023 Author Posted October 28, 2023 12 minutes ago, Aurora said: 🚨 Pop Music Emergency! 🚨 12. @Prisoner - The Fishpond Behind My Grandfather's Home updated i'll try to update my reviews tonight too just want to mention we can probably accept any final last minute entries tomorrow as the judges are still working on scores/reviews if the remaining people that signed up are working on anything @Julianna Calm Down @GentleDance @JonginBey @Navy4Life @réveuse 1
Jackson Posted October 28, 2023 Author Posted October 28, 2023 3 hours ago, Jackson said: @Kayseri Mantisi – Land of the Rising Sun Welcome to Golden Hit! Your song was the first one submitted this season, and I think you started off the season on a high note. I love how you fully embraced the challenge. I fully feel the sense of wanderlust throughout your lyrics and how you weaved Japanese imagery through every line. Your writing style in this song is very vibrant and colorful to where I can imagine myself in the song. This was most prominently displayed in your chorus, which was extremely catchy and memorable. I like the sense of sensuality you brought to the chorus. “I wanna taste your sushi” was perhaps a slight misstep, but I think the chorus was otherwise flawless, specifically the image of exploring “each hidden room” in the lover’s temple. There were a couple moments where I felt that the rhyme scheme was driving the song rather than the story, such as “A dream that’s never done” and “out stories got spun”, but those moments weren’t overly prevalent – I’d just watch for that in future weeks. Otherwise, I loved lines like “I’m writing a song of longing with each lyric I hum”. You’ve arrived to the competition already with strong writing skills and some of the best imagery I’ve seen, so I can’t wait to see what you continue to bring in the coming weeks. hurricane326 – The City (An Ode to Pittsburgh) So excited to have you back this season! I often find myself relating a lot to your writing, which is a testament to your skill. In my mind, the main pillars of songwriting are emotion, technical ability, and ability to convey imagery through words. You’re already a masterfully emotive writer, but this song showcases your technical abilities in ways I haven’t seen before. I love the subtle alliteration in lines like “one word I mouth with meaning means”. You have some absolutely brilliant one-lines here, like “ ‘child’ is a before and after, a paradise of painful proportion” and “from the city wrapping tight around my heart and mind” – these both rank among your best. As I alluded to earlier, I relate to this song heavily, having moved to a big city three years ago and realizing how much it’s changed my life for the better, and how much more vibrant and purposeful my life is just from changing my setting, or a “movement towards the light”, as you put it. My only minor notes are that some lines feel slightly out of space. I feel like “cyberspace” didn’t need fit the vibe of the rest of the song, and “strife” feels forced to fit a rhyme (as it does 95% of the time it’s used in lyrics). But these are only minor comments to an otherwise almost-perfect song. If this is any indication of your trajectory this season, this could be your best yet! @Hug – Sea of Stars Welcome back! It’s good to see you back for your 54th season (I can’t judge as I’m probably just behind you). Although I’m obviously not scoring you on it, your cover is stunning as always. This song gives me strong “Alien” by Britney vibes – a song about not feeling like you belong on this planet. Although not exactly how I envisioned the prompt being followed, it’s certainly a creative interpretation of it. The simple, unadorned structure and language in this song make it feel almost like a lullaby, amplified by the somber mood of the lyrics. Because the song is mostly a simple AABB rhyme structure, it makes lines that don’t follow the rhyme scheme stand out, such as “I find myself somewhere among the stars” and “To swim in the sea of stars is everything I want” – perhaps this is on purpose, but I feel like these lines aren’t quite strong enough to be pushed out on their own like this. As always, you do a lot well here too. The entire song is soaked in a melancholy mood that feels tangible. You also had some strong imagery in lines like “I draw a map in my mind, and wish that I was there”. This is a good first entry from you, and I’m excited to see what other worlds you take us to this season. @Legend E – Lands This was a cool way to portray moving to a new country. I find it really interesting to hear your experience in the new country, as it’s often cited by Americans as some mecca of human-scale building and transportation and something to envy. Yet, I’ve also heard of it being a very unwelcoming country to immigrants and those that don’t speak the language. The way you chose to write this feels very raw, like a page out of your diary. I see this almost as a spoken word song, with varying line lengths and not much in the way of poetic structure. This style helps convey the strong emotional message of the lyrics, even if it prevents any singular line as standing out as most memorable. Like you already kind of mentioned, the bridge feels a bit out of place. You mention that you felt like you needed to include that section, and I think there are ways you could have included it while incorporating it better into the rest of the song. Specifically, I think the word “corporate” pulls me out of the song – this is a place where showing or explaining rather than telling could have been helpful. I also found the love/like lines in the outro to be a bit redundant. Regardless, this piece was jammed completely full of emotion. It was also a unique and refreshing take on the challenge, making it so personal and regarding your chosen place as somewhere with mixed emotions rather than an escape. I can’t wait to see what you do next! @stupidjock – Rijeka I briefly read your first song, and I’m happy to say that I think this one is an improvement! The first song had some good moments, but it also did feel generic at times, where this song has a lot of personality to it. I had never heard of Rijeka before reading this, but I felt like I was on the Croatian coast by the end of the song. I love all the specific references to parts of the city in the lyrics – things like “concrete over water” and “city museum, oil painting on the wall” help build the setting really well. Details like “I lost my swimming trunks, I have nothing underneath but me” were also great additions. The song was a little short and disjointed at times. You had a lot of great single lines, but they weren’t always woven together in a way that told a cohesive story. I’d recommend trying to think of an overall story and trying to fit pieces together in a way that conveys the emotional arch of the lyrics just as well as you describe the images and events of the song. Still, this is an extremely solid entry, especially for a first-time participant. You’ve already shown that you have a way with words and a great understanding of the blocks to build a great song. I hope to see you continue to experiment with putting those pieces together to craft some truly great songs! @worldwide angel – Babel What a cinematic return, starting your song off with an operatic array of strings accompanied by soaring synths and trip-hop. I’m glad to see you back again. Your style is unique but always refreshing. This song had a slightly darker tone than some of your entries, which I appreciated. Even without the *ascending chorus of glistening harps*, I could feel the crescendo throughout the chorus. “Concrete” is such a forceful word to use in a chorus, but it feels earned here. I love both the symbolism and imagery in the verses, from “wheat made of gold” to “let’s fill up the void/with bands of blessed, burned souls”. As is common on songs with such deep symbolism, there were certain lines I didn’t fully understand. I’m not sure what the significance of Victoria was, for example. Although the song has tinges of optimism, Babe typically has a negative association, as the tower was ultimately struck down. This muffles some of the optimism for me – whether or not this was intentional, I liked the conflicting emotions. This was a very complex first entry, but ultimately a great song. @Antikythera – Amsterdam (Lekker D) Love to see multiple Dutch entries this round. Welcome to Golden Hit! Slutty pop anthems are always welcome here, and I’m glad to see something more light-hearted this round. Right away in the first verse, I loved “let me get it straight or bi-“ – this was such a clever, fun lyric. Other than this lyric, the first verse was a bit generic, but there was enough personality in the rest of the song to more than make up for it. I LOVED the interjections of Dutch profanity. I kinda screamed after putting “geil” into Google translate – I didn’t realize we were going there with this song! While normally I don’t love highly repetitive sections, I thought the “and you can call me whatever (slet slet slet slet)” section entertaining. My only other criticism is that the song was on the shorter side. I would have loved to see what other Dutch smut you could conjure up. I’d love to see an even more ambitious song from you in future rounds. I’m already excited to see where you go from here! @Hey Dude – High You always come through with the media education. I had never heard of Ratchet & Clank or been aware of the prevalence of abandoned airfields in 2000’s video games. I’m glad to see you back this season and with a new muse. This song was so PoKi. I loved the spoken word radio host section – it had a lot of personality and helped set the tone of the song. You’re always unabashedly yourself in this competition, and there’s a lot to love about that. While the amount of personality in the song is often a good thing, there are times where your lyrics become so hyper-specific that they’re hard to relate to, such as in the spoken post-chorus or the lyric “I wanna make my dough as a talk show host”. I love the amount of personality you show, but it’s a bit jarring to see “PoKiTaurus, bro” in the middle of your song. Elsewhere, I think you captured the desert, wild west theme well, such as “I walk by, they tell me ‘howdy boy!’”. Regardless, I love that you constantly craft such authentic fun songs, and I’m excited to see even more from you this season. @blackoutbaby – Paris ***** You say this song takes a few reads to get, but I thought it was a pretty instant smash. Right off the bat you hit us with “My body’s like The Louvre/It’s a ******* work of art” – being completely honest, I love the brashness of this. I could see this song kicking off with heavy synths and drums, matching the sensuality of the lyrics. Much like Antikythera’s entry, I think the repeated words worked here because they specifically related to the challenge, and the repeated “oui oui” brought a campiness to the lyrics. If anything, I think you could have taken the lyrics farther in a couple places. I liked the Eiffel Tower reference, but I think it could have been slutted up a bit more by making reference to the sex position of the same name. You also mentioned “like a fire/light your fire” a couple times – rather than repeating lines an a fairly short song, I would have loved to see another double-entendre. “Lick me slow like escargot” honestly has to be a contender for line of the season already, absolutely fabulous work there. I also laughed at the random Lady Marmalade sample at the end. This was such a fun song to read, and I could feel that you had a blast writing it. I’d love to see other sides of you in future weeks, but this was a great first entry. @Invisibility – Corchito Welcome back! Apologies if I’m misremembering, but I believe you started playing in GH3 when I was on hiatus, so I don’t think I’ve read your writing before, but this is an excellent first entry! The words you use are extremely vivid – I can practically see myself diving into a cenote and see the light twisting through green and blue waters as salt and freshwater mix. I love the fresh-salt sea simile you used and how you connected the setting of the song with yourself. The specific imagery of the mangroves, the blurred waterline, and open airways allowed me not only see what you’re describing, but feel the air leave my lungs and water hit my skin. There were a few lyrics that felt out of place to me, most prominently the “Mach 2” line, which didn’t fit the vibe of the rest of the song. Otherwise, this was one of my favorite songs this round, and I’m excited to see your future entries! @fountain – The Square Welcome back, and welcome to your first season of Golden Hit as a contestant! I already made this point in hurricane’s review, but “strife” is almost always a forced rhyme, and this song is no exception. There were a couple other lines that felt forced to fit the rhyme scheme as well, such as “a childhood filled with lack”. I wanted to get a couple small criticisms out of the way, because otherwise I thought this was a lovely song. I loved the experimentation with structure – despite the “lack” line, the rhyme scheme of that verse was very engaging. I like the way the rhythm wasn’t consistent throughout the song, echoing the changing emotions from childlike innocence to feeling stuck as an adult. Apart from the hook 3, the bridge was my favorite part of the song. I think a lot of us can relate to the fear instilled within us, being told that you can’t leave the place you are because the rest of the world is terrifying and terrible, continuing a cycle of fear. I could go through the rest of the lyrics and mention all the little things I love, but I would be mentioning most of the song. I’ve been excited to see your writing this season, and this song just makes me even more eager to see what else you come up with! @Prisoner – The Fishpond Behind My Grandfather’s House I’m happy to see you back, but the tardiness! I’m also happy to see your return to form with the long Lana-esque titles. I love these types of songs where you just linger in a moment, savoring the sights and sounds. I also love the way you paint everything as bigger than life, just like a child would, with the “grasses stood too high” and “the most glorious fish pond in the entire world”. There’s such a strong sense of nostalgia and happiness, but also a longing for a past that can’t come back. My favorite lines are “I’d hopped onto the air and knew I had flown/when grandma calls out from afar after dinner’s ready” - you show that naive sense of childlike wonder brought back to reality by the call of a parent or grandparent so well. Technically, everything here is pretty sound as well. My only wish is that the end of the song could have been explored further. Although the “pond that has since dried up” line gets the point across, I think there are some really powerful feelings that could have been tapped into deeper had you explored that part of the story more, perhaps by revisiting the pond as an adult or likening it to the aging of the grandparents. In all, though, this is a really strong entry - perhaps one of my favorites from you. Great job! updated to include @Prisoner
Aurora Posted October 28, 2023 Posted October 28, 2023 Firstly, I wanted to thank everyone for submitting during this first round of Golden Hit: Season 5! ⚜️ It's been a pleasure to be able to read your songs and be trusted to provide feedback and support. This season we have a lot of first-time players, so I wanted to provide in-depth reviews for everyone! If there is anything in your review you'd like clarified or removed, please let me know and I will do so. ⚜️ 1. @Kayseri Mantisi - “Land Of The Rising Sun” Firstly, welcome to the tournament, and thank you for submitting the very first song of Golden Hit: Season 5! I love Japanese culture, and it’s at the top of my bucket list of places I’d like to visit, so I was very excited to see this being our season opener. I really enjoyed how visual you got with this song: painting vivid pictures of Tokyo at night, the Japanese cherry blossoms, the mountains and gardens, etc. “Kyoto's temple, found my soul's perfume,” was a particularly striking lyric. Conversely, “I wanna taste your sushi, explore each hidden room,” almost felt a bit too suggestive in an otherwise very pretty and dreamy song. Your rhymes are quite good, there are a few that err on the side of too simple, particularly in the pre-chorus (“journey just begun”, “dream that’s never done”), but overall nothing was too flawed. Honing in on your second verse, I wish you had introduced some new imagery rather than repeating the “neon lights” lyric, perhaps “bustling streets” or something akin. I love the “painted sky” lyric, but when reading the lyrics aloud, “under” doesn’t flow as naturally as perhaps “beneath” would. This is due to the natural stressing of the word “under” conflicting with the rhythm of the previous lyric you’d set up (“geishas passing by”). Having two consecutive unstressed syllables in “under a painted sky,” doesn’t flow as naturally as “beneath a painted sky,” does, for example. Word choice is so important in determining what makes a good lyric, and what makes a great one. Rhyming “told” with “untold” in the latter half of this verse also left room for improvement, and I’d like to see you experiment with internal rhymes. In the slots where “you” and “wonder” fall in the latter half of the second verse, had these two words rhymed, it would have made the couplet really stand out. Overall this was a very strong start to the season and I am amazed you were able to write something of this caliber so swiftly! Keep this up and you’ll be one to watch. 2. hurricane326 - “The City (An Ode to Pittsburgh)” Lovely to have you back again—we can always count on you for some top quality lyricism in a timely fashion. I’m not surprised to see a song inspired by a US city, and I’m sure the resident American on the panel Jackson will find some relatable moments here. I definitely got spoken word vibes from the intro and outro sections, and as a huge fan of alliteration, I was living. This song had a very commercial aspect about it that I enjoyed, the occasional “There!” or “Here!” were such great popalicious additions that added real character to this piece. Although this was set in a US city, the general message of moving from the small town life to the big city and feeling more accepted or as if the world is your oyster is one that deeply resonated with me, and I’m sure would for many others. If I were only reviewing the bridge, I’d give you a 10 straight up—this is practically Swiftian and the emotion is so palpable and impactful—seriously beautiful writing! This was a very clever way to approach the challenge, and I think you did a very good job at executing this type of song. Your writing is always strong, but this was written in such a way I could envision it both on Top 40 radio and Best New Music by Pitchfork. Judge’s Note: The above review was written for the original submission of the song. I’m always nervous when somebody resubmits an entry that I’ve already given a positive review, but fortunately for you I’m in favor of all of your adjustments. The new sections are even stronger, and thankfully you didn’t touch the perfect bridge! 3. @Hug - “Sea of Stars” As always it’s wonderful to see your works of art—every submission from you feels like such a complete vision, from the single cover artwork to the typeface selection to the formatting of the document itself. I just wanted to let you know that I always appreciate the extra creative showmanship. This was such a beautifully written song. There’s been a lot of conversation in the Golden Hit thread about what makes poetry vs. what makes a song, and I think this is a perfect example of songwriting that doesn’t overlap with poetry too much in the traditional sense. There’s no mistaking that these are song lyrics rather than poetic verses. I was initially caught off guard by the apparent lack of tight meter and rhyming in the first verse, but I decided to just go with the flow and swim through the stars so to speak, and I am glad I did. In reality, most songs don’t have a perfectly linear rhythm that is followed in each line of a verse, and while it’s much harder to pick up on or account for in written lyricism, I’m becoming more understanding of implied pauses or lyrics that don’t necessarily follow directly one after the next beat for beat when reading with my inner voice. This is my rather long-winded way of saying I loved practically everything about this. The core concept resonated with me on a deeply personal level, and I loved every lyrical device you used. The mirroring of, “It’s not that I need purpose, but everything feels worthless,” and, “It’s not that I’m useless, but I’m not needed here,” in the two verses was stunning, particularly the latter being social commentary about self-worth and environment’s intrinsic interconnection. This was a captivating read, but I have to disagree that there’s nothing left on Earth for you—this is your calling. 4. @Legend E - “Lands” This was such a beautifully organic take on the challenge. I have no qualms with narrative-driven songwriting that is completely fictional, but there’s just something so special when a writer is willing to open up and share a piece of their own lived experience with us. A lot of this song was very poetic, and a good amount was also quite conversational, which I found to be an interesting contrast and not something we typically see together. Without highlighting specific excerpts as per request, I loved the almost stoic imagery in the second stanza. When it comes to constructive criticism, I’m in two minds because I think for this style of song you’ve gone for, you’ve done exceedingly well. Do I think it could be elevated even further with a few additional lyrical devices or a central refrain or motif to tie everything together and make it feel a bit more song-y? Possibly. But this is more of a personal preference than a critique of your writing style. As a more tangible criticism, I understand why you slotted in the non-English word, but as the only instance of foreign language representation, it felt more out of place than contrasting here. These are pretty minor pointers, because I really loved the heart that was put into this and I could feel the longing, initially for home, and then for a sense of identity. Brilliant work. 5. @stupidjock - “Rijeka” Okay, this review is going to be a little different than most—I will still address your lyrics, but I also think there’s another more important piece of advice to share. Firstly, this was clearly on the shorter side—which isn’t always a negative, but with shorter submissions (e.g. intro or interlude length, such as this) absolutely every single lyric has to pack a punch and be worth its weight, and I am unsure if that is necessarily the case here. In a sense, writing shorter songs can be harder than writing full-length songs, because in the latter even if you have a verse or couplet that isn’t the best, the song as a whole can still elevate the sum of its parts, particularly while you’re still in the introductory phase of your writing journey. Overthinking and self-doubt is also quite a common issue and a writer’s biggest enemy. As XO alluded to in the thread, part of being a good writer is knowing when enough is enough, or “when to put down the pen” so to speak. I think for your first offering your original submission was a great start. By comparison, this feels like an intro into that song, or an interlude following it. Had you combined and continued to work on the two entries, I could see that making for something quite fantastic. I would like your biggest takeaway from this first round to be utilizing the entire duration of the challenge to work on one really solid song rather than multiple partial ones. Read my original review for your song “Mountains and the sea” below for additional feedback, and I hope to see you apply yourself next round. Spoiler stupidjock - “Mountains and the sea” I think you have something quite strong here conceptually. Your experience in writing poetry, however minimal, has shone through here nicely. There’s a formatting mistake in the first line, and while we don’t dock points for that, I wanted to bring it to your attention. What I liked most was the sense of narrative progression you set up: introducing the pair of travelers in the first verse, admitting one traveler’s dependance on the other in the chorus, and demonstrating that dependance in the second verse. This lets the reader know you have forethought and an intent for where the song’s journey may take us. My overall constructive criticism would be that this entry reads like a competent first draft. This might sound like a negative comment, but getting a solid first draft down is often a difficult and crucial part of the writing process—it’s basically a roadmap of where you see the song ending up in its final form. Essentially, a recorded version of this concept would be a demo. Once at this stage, you have the ability to consider alternate phrases to convey the same ideas even better, tighten up any loose rhythm or rhymes, introduce new sections like a prechorus or a bridge to further aid narrative progression, etc. Keep in mind you will typically have five full days to write your submissions—make use of that time wisely! Come back to your writing with fresh eyes on a new day and really pick it apart, or consider sending it to another Golden Hit contestant for preliminary feedback and advice if you’re up for that. Also, don’t feel you have to force in a challenge’s title to satisfy the theme of the challenge. In this instance it worked quite nicely in your song, however knowing the future challenges’ titles, it may be more detrimental than beneficial. All in all, this was an exciting first foray into songwriting, and I believe if you research and apply some additional songwriting techniques utilizing the entire challenge duration, you’ll elevate your songs tenfold. Good luck! 6. @worldwide angel - “Babel” Wow, this was very different for you! We’ve come to know the typical worldwide angel song as something free-flowing, usually subverting conventional song structures for a more stream-of-consciousness approach to writing. While you’ve mastered that, it’s so refreshing to see something like this from you. In past writing tournaments, non-lyrical additions such as descriptions of what an instrumental may sound like or the addition of sound effects have been frowned upon, but honestly, I think it’s a fun additional tool to play around with and shows that you’re really envisioning something more than just lyrics on a page: a genuine, fully realized song. I love that you’ve combined elements of reality and fiction and created this phantom utopia, almost as if such places could only ever exist within one’s imagination. I think the second verse was quite interesting because it seemed to take a darker turn at its midpoint—was this representing rejecting the negative aspects when taking into consideration what pieces to borrow for your newfound Babel? I think the word choice of “schadenfreude” was interesting here, and similar to my critique of Legend E’s song, as the only instance of foreign language representation, it felt a touch out of place. However, as your song is thematically about taking pieces of different cultures and worlds to make a better whole, I’m giving you a bit of grace here. This was a lovely start to your season, and I am looking forward to seeing more fantastic writing from you! 7. @Antikythera - “Amsterdam (Lekker D)” Well yes! Okay, so we have a bilingual sex bop. Not at all what I was expecting from this round (I don’t know why, this is ATRL after all…) but I am not mad in the slightest. So far your entry has also showcased the most experimentation with the foreign language component of the brief, and it made complete sense within the context of your entry as a song set within the red-light district in Amsterdam. I’m all for a good sex bop, and while I think what you have here is very entertaining, I would have loved to see you dive even deeper into the erotic nature of this song. The first verse sets the song up as an almost getting-over-an-ex anthem, which would have been fun if you explored that a little more. For instance, in the second verse you could have highlighted how much fun you were having without them with specific examples of things you could have never done if you were still together, or how the sex was so much better with some other person. I also think this type of song would have really shone with a bit more of a sarcastic tone introduced, perhaps in the bridge, such as setting up for signs of regret or remorse and then instantly laughing them away. Just a few ideas for really making the most of your lyrics when writing in this genre. This was great fun, welcome to Golden Hit! 8. @Hey Dude - “High” This was a pretty zany submission. I fully support unconventionality and creative freedom, so it’s nice to see you writing however you want to write. I definitely get the longing for the remote desert cowboy lifestyle strongly in the chorus, but it does take a while to ramp up and get there. I feel your first verses could have been utilized a little better to slowly introduce more elements of this desert dreamscape fantasy of yours. The spoken sections were a nice lyrical device to play around with, but I don’t think they actually elevated this song per se. I’m still not really sure where this location is meant to be specifically, as it seems more like a pipe dream than a physical destination you are planning on going to. You’ve clearly got skill as a writer, but it almost feels as if you approached this challenge with a pre-determined writing format in mind, and worked around the challenge prompt rather than working with it. Without giving too much away, I actually think this style of writing will aid you nicely next round, however in future rounds I think it would be best to consider what is going to be the ideal approach to make the best piece of writing possible, not what might sorta kinda work with the characters and worldbuilding you’ve pre-established. Of course, feel free to disregard this critique if you absolutely want to continue to work exclusively within this universe of characters—it’s your art after all! 9. @blackoutbaby - “Paris Bítch” Wait, not this ‘Problématique’ outtake. I was absolutely GAGGED by the, “Lick me slow like escargot,” lyric: a perfect marriage of internal rhyming, double entendre, and cultural significance… the wit! 10/10 for this lyric alone, seriously. I also loved that the bridge was entirely in French, it just makes sense and I was here for it. Going back to the beginning, the comparisons to the Louvre and the Eiffel Tower were of course predictable, but make perfect sense within the context of the song. It would have been nice if you had pushed the envelope a bit rather than using the most blatant connotations, but eh, if it works, it works. Really committing to the Parisian icons theme and throwing in references such as arching your back like the Arc de Triomphe, or a play on some notable French public figure, would have made for some more interesting lyrical ideas than, “my sex is hot like fire,” and “I just can’t get enough,” for instance. Just because it rhymes doesn't mean it’s right! Try to avoid cliché language wherever possible, and if you really want to use a cliché, add a unique spin on it. While I do think there’s a lot more that you could have done here, the core concept is very fun, very fierce, and very cúnt, and I would like to see you continue to explore this side of yourself… or change it up entirely if you want! 10. @Invisibility - “Corchito” I’m so grateful that you’ve decided to participate in this season, as you certainly were one of—if not thee—breakout star of Golden Hit’s third season! This was a terrific reintroduction to your writing style. I really loved the lyric in your choruses comparing the combination of freshwater and saltwater to a person in two minds. I love water imagery, and this was such a beautiful connotation that just flowed really organically. Not the superscript citations for the foreign language translations… Well yes! This was a good amount of Spanish inclusion too—not too little that it felt thrown in just for the sake of it, but not too much that it made understanding the meaning of the song difficult. I really appreciate that you’ve taken inspiration from somewhere that is clearly significant to you in your own life and found meaning in its natural features and likened them to your innermost thoughts and feelings. If I really wanted to nitpick, I would say the lyric, “I can travel Mach 2 the wetlands,” isn’t grammatically correct, but the alternative (“2 to”) would also sound awkward, so perhaps dropping Mach 2 altogether would be best, as it doesn’t feel necessary to this song regardless. I knew this round was going to spawn some excellent material, but you all are going to make it very difficult to score and rank. Wonderful imagery, wonderful message, and overall a wonderful piece of writing. 11. @fountain - “The Square” You have no idea how happy it makes me to see you finally participating as a contestant, you’re so used to giving and now you get to receive! I love the breadth of submissions this round has inspired, from cities to countries to outer space, and of course on the other end of the spectrum, from idyllic worlds to specific reserves to something as simple as a patch of land visible from one’s childhood home. The range?! A lot of this entry almost felt like an intentional antithesis to this challenge’s prompt: rather than expressing longing for something else out there, it honed in on the reality of staying in one place and what feelings that evokes, and the acceptance of staying in the square despite acknowledging there’s nothing worth staying for. By extension I suppose this really is a song about lacking self-worth: by saying your childhood home and memories of a first love are nothing of worth, and the implication that you too are nothing of worth as you aren’t going anywhere. Heavy. I do believe there was a hint of optimism in the outro—not enough to be cheesy but enough to make me think this song is more reflective rather than absolutely representative of your current state of mind. I specifically loved the lyrics, “Up to no good, and feeling the same,” “Vertigo from looking up / Too much potential above,” and “Such depthless shapes may come and go / And make life three dimensional,” which stood out in a sea of lovely lyricism and well-structured sections. Conversely, the occasional lyric didn’t roll off the tongue as naturally as perhaps intended, such as, “If anything worth salvage, at all,” or “A hazy picture black / A memory — or all — I fail to track.” The meaning carries through, but a light iron wouldn’t go astray either. As you anticipated this was the longest of entries this round, but it never felt uncomfortably long as if it dragged on, or had one too many sections. I enjoyed the dynamic structure and how you framed everything, utilizing plenty of writing techniques such as mirroring sections or making slight alterations or expansions wherever necessary. What’s next, “The Circle,” “The Triangle”? Are we in for your Ed Sheeran-inspired geometry era? 12. @Prisoner - “The Fishpond Behind My Grandfather's Home” Well, there’s absolutely no question about where your song is inspired by! Love the specificity. This was such a lovely poetic piece to end this round on. You couldn’t have possibly known this, but it almost felt like a continuation of fountain’s song as it delved into somewhat similar themes of childhood memories. There were some really brilliant themes you introduced here, such as everything seeming much grander in scale through the eyes of a child, both literally (“Though now that I really think about it / It could've been an acre or so, much rather”) and figuratively (“I'd find the most glorious fish pond in the entire world”). It was also equally touching and sad to learn of the fate of the fish pond, and how even though you may want to go back, you never can. This was a very nice example of a song that wouldn’t necessarily benefit from a repeating chorus, and I didn’t feel myself missing or wanting one—a refrain, perhaps? But that’s more of a stylistic preference than a criticism. I found it interesting that you decided to switch from an ABCB rhyme scheme to an ABCC one towards the end. I’m in two minds about this, because while I certainly appreciate the change of pace, without a refrain or anything to break the sections up it initially caught me off guard. Minor qualms aside, this was a lovely piece of writing, and I did want to highlight your tercet prior to the final verse, which was gorgeous. 13. @réveuse - “London” Welcome to the tournament! Thank you for submitting, even if it was at the last minute. As you indicated with your title on the document, this is a very short song. To echo what I said in stupidjock’s review for “Rijeka” (read that full review for more details), absolutely every single lyric has to count in a song as short as this. I think writing about your hometown was a lovely way to approach this challenge, but I would have loved to see that love and passion shine through in the lyrics a little more. Instead of just talking about memories and treasuries, go into detail about what memories or experiences you’ve had there, and what makes London such a treasure to you. Invite us in, take us on a journey. You were on the right path with the addition of Big Ben in the chorus, but that’s such a notable landmark that it could be interpreted as touristy rather than something you’ve grown up seeing. Give me specific streets or businesses, describe the paths and walkways, what sounds and scents can you hear and smell? Really take us on a journey to London. Make your lyrics your own double decker bus! ⚜️ A few reminders: we are still accepting submissions for this round if you have not yet done so and plan to. Your next challenge will be posted by yours truly in approximately 15 hours. I hope that doesn't spook! Results for this first round will take place the following day at a time to be determined. We'll see you there! 8
fountain Posted October 28, 2023 Posted October 28, 2023 9 hours ago, Jackson said: @fountain – The Square Welcome back, and welcome to your first season of Golden Hit as a contestant! I already made this point in hurricane’s review, but “strife” is almost always a forced rhyme, and this song is no exception. There were a couple other lines that felt forced to fit the rhyme scheme as well, such as “a childhood filled with lack”. I wanted to get a couple small criticisms out of the way, because otherwise I thought this was a lovely song. I loved the experimentation with structure – despite the “lack” line, the rhyme scheme of that verse was very engaging. I like the way the rhythm wasn’t consistent throughout the song, echoing the changing emotions from childlike innocence to feeling stuck as an adult. Apart from the hook 3, the bridge was my favorite part of the song. I think a lot of us can relate to the fear instilled within us, being told that you can’t leave the place you are because the rest of the world is terrifying and terrible, continuing a cycle of fear. I could go through the rest of the lyrics and mention all the little things I love, but I would be mentioning most of the song. I’ve been excited to see your writing this season, and this song just makes me even more eager to see what else you come up with! 1 hour ago, Aurora said: 11. @fountain - “The Square” You have no idea how happy it makes me to see you finally participating as a contestant, you’re so used to giving and now you get to receive! I love the breadth of submissions this round has inspired, from cities to countries to outer space, and of course on the other end of the spectrum, from idyllic worlds to specific reserves to something as simple as a patch of land visible from one’s childhood home. The range?! A lot of this entry almost felt like an intentional antithesis to this challenge’s prompt: rather than expressing longing for something else out there, it honed in on the reality of staying in one place and what feelings that evokes, and the acceptance of staying in the square despite acknowledging there’s nothing worth staying for. By extension I suppose this really is a song about lacking self-worth: by saying your childhood home and memories of a first love are nothing of worth, and the implication that you too are nothing of worth as you aren’t going anywhere. Heavy. I do believe there was a hint of optimism in the outro—not enough to be cheesy but enough to make me think this song is more reflective rather than absolutely representative of your current state of mind. I specifically loved the lyrics, “Up to no good, and feeling the same,” “Vertigo from looking up / Too much potential above,” and “Such depthless shapes may come and go / And make life three dimensional,” which stood out in a sea of lovely lyricism and well-structured sections. Conversely, the occasional lyric didn’t roll off the tongue as naturally as perhaps intended, such as, “If anything worth salvage, at all,” or “A hazy picture black / A memory — or all — I fail to track.” The meaning carries through, but a light iron wouldn’t go astray either. As you anticipated this was the longest of entries this round, but it never felt uncomfortably long as if it dragged on, or had one too many sections. I enjoyed the dynamic structure and how you framed everything, utilizing plenty of writing techniques such as mirroring sections or making slight alterations or expansions wherever necessary. What’s next, “The Circle,” “The Triangle”? Are we in for your Ed Sheeran-inspired geometry era? thank you thank you! The song is songing and the reviews are reviewing! Looking forward to round 2 later today 1
réveuse Posted October 28, 2023 Posted October 28, 2023 8 hours ago, Jackson said: updated i'll try to update my reviews tonight too just want to mention we can probably accept any final last minute entries tomorrow as the judges are still working on scores/reviews if the remaining people that signed up are working on anything @Julianna Calm Down @GentleDance @JonginBey @Navy4Life @réveuse I sumbitted! 2
Aurora Posted October 28, 2023 Posted October 28, 2023 13 minutes ago, réveuse said: I sumbitted! Oop, just when I was about to turn in for the night. Let me get my reviewing glasses back on. 🧐 EDIT: You'll need to click "Share" and change general access from "Restricted" to "Anyone with the link", or we won't be able to see your entry. 1
Jackson Posted October 28, 2023 Author Posted October 28, 2023 39 minutes ago, réveuse said: I sumbitted! excited to read it. can’t wait to attempt to write a review on mobile also, we now officially have matched the R1 submissions in GH4! we love consistency 1
Kayseri Mantisi Posted October 28, 2023 Posted October 28, 2023 4 hours ago, Aurora said: 1. @Kayseri Mantisi - “Land Of The Rising Sun” Firstly, welcome to the tournament, and thank you for submitting the very first song of Golden Hit: Season 5! I love Japanese culture, and it’s at the top of my bucket list of places I’d like to visit, so I was very excited to see this being our season opener. I really enjoyed how visual you got with this song: painting vivid pictures of Tokyo at night, the Japanese cherry blossoms, the mountains and gardens, etc. “Kyoto's temple, found my soul's perfume,” was a particularly striking lyric. Conversely, “I wanna taste your sushi, explore each hidden room,” almost felt a bit too suggestive in an otherwise very pretty and dreamy song. Your rhymes are quite good, there are a few that err on the side of too simple, particularly in the pre-chorus (“journey just begun”, “dream that’s never done”), but overall nothing was too flawed. Honing in on your second verse, I wish you had introduced some new imagery rather than repeating the “neon lights” lyric, perhaps “bustling streets” or something akin. I love the “painted sky” lyric, but when reading the lyrics aloud, “under” doesn’t flow as naturally as perhaps “beneath” would. This is due to the natural stressing of the word “under” conflicting with the rhythm of the previous lyric you’d set up (“geishas passing by”). Having two consecutive unstressed syllables in “under a painted sky,” doesn’t flow as naturally as “beneath a painted sky,” does, for example. Word choice is so important in determining what makes a good lyric, and what makes a great one. Rhyming “told” with “untold” in the latter half of this verse also left room for improvement, and I’d like to see you experiment with internal rhymes. In the slots where “you” and “wonder” fall in the latter half of the second verse, had these two words rhymed, it would have made the couplet really stand out. Overall this was a very strong start to the season and I am amazed you were able to write something of this caliber so swiftly! Keep this up and you’ll be one to watch. 12 hours ago, Jackson said: @Kayseri Mantisi – Land of the Rising Sun Welcome to Golden Hit! Your song was the first one submitted this season, and I think you started off the season on a high note. I love how you fully embraced the challenge. I fully feel the sense of wanderlust throughout your lyrics and how you weaved Japanese imagery through every line. Your writing style in this song is very vibrant and colorful to where I can imagine myself in the song. This was most prominently displayed in your chorus, which was extremely catchy and memorable. I like the sense of sensuality you brought to the chorus. “I wanna taste your sushi” was perhaps a slight misstep, but I think the chorus was otherwise flawless, specifically the image of exploring “each hidden room” in the lover’s temple. There were a couple moments where I felt that the rhyme scheme was driving the song rather than the story, such as “A dream that’s never done” and “out stories got spun”, but those moments weren’t overly prevalent – I’d just watch for that in future weeks. Otherwise, I loved lines like “I’m writing a song of longing with each lyric I hum”. You’ve arrived to the competition already with strong writing skills and some of the best imagery I’ve seen, so I can’t wait to see what you continue to bring in the coming weeks. Thank you soooo much omg I got my songwriting abilities from my fav Lorde it seems 1
Invisibility Posted October 28, 2023 Posted October 28, 2023 14 hours ago, Jackson said: @Invisibility – Corchito Welcome back! Apologies if I’m misremembering, but I believe you started playing in GH3 when I was on hiatus, so I don’t think I’ve read your writing before, but this is an excellent first entry! The words you use are extremely vivid – I can practically see myself diving into a cenote and see the light twisting through green and blue waters as salt and freshwater mix. I love the fresh-salt sea simile you used and how you connected the setting of the song with yourself. The specific imagery of the mangroves, the blurred waterline, and open airways allowed me not only see what you’re describing, but feel the air leave my lungs and water hit my skin. There were a few lyrics that felt out of place to me, most prominently the “Mach 2” line, which didn’t fit the vibe of the rest of the song. Otherwise, this was one of my favorite songs this round, and I’m excited to see your future entries! Hey! Yeah I made my debut in GH3 and couldn't find time to participate in the following season, but now I'm BACK back. Thank you for your critique, I'm also v excited for this season 1
Invisibility Posted October 28, 2023 Posted October 28, 2023 7 hours ago, Aurora said: 10. @Invisibility - “Corchito” I’m so grateful that you’ve decided to participate in this season, as you certainly were one of—if not thee—breakout star of Golden Hit’s third season! This was a terrific reintroduction to your writing style. I really loved the lyric in your choruses comparing the combination of freshwater and saltwater to a person in two minds. I love water imagery, and this was such a beautiful connotation that just flowed really organically. Not the superscript citations for the foreign language translations… Well yes! This was a good amount of Spanish inclusion too—not too little that it felt thrown in just for the sake of it, but not too much that it made understanding the meaning of the song difficult. I really appreciate that you’ve taken inspiration from somewhere that is clearly significant to you in your own life and found meaning in its natural features and likened them to your innermost thoughts and feelings. If I really wanted to nitpick, I would say the lyric, “I can travel Mach 2 the wetlands,” isn’t grammatically correct, but the alternative (“2 to”) would also sound awkward, so perhaps dropping Mach 2 altogether would be best, as it doesn’t feel necessary to this song regardless. I knew this round was going to spawn some excellent material, but you all are going to make it very difficult to score and rank. Wonderful imagery, wonderful message, and overall a wonderful piece of writing. Hai judge Aurora it's so good to be back I'm flattered by your closing remark! And will take into account your comment to keep polishing my writing. I feel like this challenge flowed out of me quite organically so it's nice to see it's resonated with the panel so far 1
réveuse Posted October 28, 2023 Posted October 28, 2023 3 hours ago, Aurora said: Oop, just when I was about to turn in for the night. Let me get my reviewing glasses back on. 🧐 EDIT: You'll need to click "Share" and change general access from "Restricted" to "Anyone with the link", or we won't be able to see your entry. Just changed it from restricted to anyone with the link. 1
worldwide angel Posted October 28, 2023 Posted October 28, 2023 9 hours ago, Aurora said: Firstly, I wanted to thank everyone for submitting during this first round of Golden Hit: Season 5! ⚜️ It's been a pleasure to be able to read your songs and be trusted to provide feedback and support. This season we have a lot of first-time players, so I wanted to provide in-depth reviews for everyone! If there is anything in your review you'd like clarified or removed, please let me know and I will do so. ⚜️ 1. @Kayseri Mantisi - “Land Of The Rising Sun” Firstly, welcome to the tournament, and thank you for submitting the very first song of Golden Hit: Season 5! I love Japanese culture, and it’s at the top of my bucket list of places I’d like to visit, so I was very excited to see this being our season opener. I really enjoyed how visual you got with this song: painting vivid pictures of Tokyo at night, the Japanese cherry blossoms, the mountains and gardens, etc. “Kyoto's temple, found my soul's perfume,” was a particularly striking lyric. Conversely, “I wanna taste your sushi, explore each hidden room,” almost felt a bit too suggestive in an otherwise very pretty and dreamy song. Your rhymes are quite good, there are a few that err on the side of too simple, particularly in the pre-chorus (“journey just begun”, “dream that’s never done”), but overall nothing was too flawed. Honing in on your second verse, I wish you had introduced some new imagery rather than repeating the “neon lights” lyric, perhaps “bustling streets” or something akin. I love the “painted sky” lyric, but when reading the lyrics aloud, “under” doesn’t flow as naturally as perhaps “beneath” would. This is due to the natural stressing of the word “under” conflicting with the rhythm of the previous lyric you’d set up (“geishas passing by”). Having two consecutive unstressed syllables in “under a painted sky,” doesn’t flow as naturally as “beneath a painted sky,” does, for example. Word choice is so important in determining what makes a good lyric, and what makes a great one. Rhyming “told” with “untold” in the latter half of this verse also left room for improvement, and I’d like to see you experiment with internal rhymes. In the slots where “you” and “wonder” fall in the latter half of the second verse, had these two words rhymed, it would have made the couplet really stand out. Overall this was a very strong start to the season and I am amazed you were able to write something of this caliber so swiftly! Keep this up and you’ll be one to watch. 2. hurricane326 - “The City (An Ode to Pittsburgh)” Lovely to have you back again—we can always count on you for some top quality lyricism in a timely fashion. I’m not surprised to see a song inspired by a US city, and I’m sure the resident American on the panel Jackson will find some relatable moments here. I definitely got spoken word vibes from the intro and outro sections, and as a huge fan of alliteration, I was living. This song had a very commercial aspect about it that I enjoyed, the occasional “There!” or “Here!” were such great popalicious additions that added real character to this piece. Although this was set in a US city, the general message of moving from the small town life to the big city and feeling more accepted or as if the world is your oyster is one that deeply resonated with me, and I’m sure would for many others. If I were only reviewing the bridge, I’d give you a 10 straight up—this is practically Swiftian and the emotion is so palpable and impactful—seriously beautiful writing! This was a very clever way to approach the challenge, and I think you did a very good job at executing this type of song. Your writing is always strong, but this was written in such a way I could envision it both on Top 40 radio and Best New Music by Pitchfork. Judge’s Note: The above review was written for the original submission of the song. I’m always nervous when somebody resubmits an entry that I’ve already given a positive review, but fortunately for you I’m in favor of all of your adjustments. The new sections are even stronger, and thankfully you didn’t touch the perfect bridge! 3. @Hug - “Sea of Stars” As always it’s wonderful to see your works of art—every submission from you feels like such a complete vision, from the single cover artwork to the typeface selection to the formatting of the document itself. I just wanted to let you know that I always appreciate the extra creative showmanship. This was such a beautifully written song. There’s been a lot of conversation in the Golden Hit thread about what makes poetry vs. what makes a song, and I think this is a perfect example of songwriting that doesn’t overlap with poetry too much in the traditional sense. There’s no mistaking that these are song lyrics rather than poetic verses. I was initially caught off guard by the apparent lack of tight meter and rhyming in the first verse, but I decided to just go with the flow and swim through the stars so to speak, and I am glad I did. In reality, most songs don’t have a perfectly linear rhythm that is followed in each line of a verse, and while it’s much harder to pick up on or account for in written lyricism, I’m becoming more understanding of implied pauses or lyrics that don’t necessarily follow directly one after the next beat for beat when reading with my inner voice. This is my rather long-winded way of saying I loved practically everything about this. The core concept resonated with me on a deeply personal level, and I loved every lyrical device you used. The mirroring of, “It’s not that I need purpose, but everything feels worthless,” and, “It’s not that I’m useless, but I’m not needed here,” in the two verses was stunning, particularly the latter being social commentary about self-worth and environment’s intrinsic interconnection. This was a captivating read, but I have to disagree that there’s nothing left on Earth for you—this is your calling. 4. @Legend E - “Lands” This was such a beautifully organic take on the challenge. I have no qualms with narrative-driven songwriting that is completely fictional, but there’s just something so special when a writer is willing to open up and share a piece of their own lived experience with us. A lot of this song was very poetic, and a good amount was also quite conversational, which I found to be an interesting contrast and not something we typically see together. Without highlighting specific excerpts as per request, I loved the almost stoic imagery in the second stanza. When it comes to constructive criticism, I’m in two minds because I think for this style of song you’ve gone for, you’ve done exceedingly well. Do I think it could be elevated even further with a few additional lyrical devices or a central refrain or motif to tie everything together and make it feel a bit more song-y? Possibly. But this is more of a personal preference than a critique of your writing style. As a more tangible criticism, I understand why you slotted in the non-English word, but as the only instance of foreign language representation, it felt more out of place than contrasting here. These are pretty minor pointers, because I really loved the heart that was put into this and I could feel the longing, initially for home, and then for a sense of identity. Brilliant work. 5. @stupidjock - “Rijeka” Okay, this review is going to be a little different than most—I will still address your lyrics, but I also think there’s another more important piece of advice to share. Firstly, this was clearly on the shorter side—which isn’t always a negative, but with shorter submissions (e.g. intro or interlude length, such as this) absolutely every single lyric has to pack a punch and be worth its weight, and I am unsure if that is necessarily the case here. In a sense, writing shorter songs can be harder than writing full-length songs, because in the latter even if you have a verse or couplet that isn’t the best, the song as a whole can still elevate the sum of its parts, particularly while you’re still in the introductory phase of your writing journey. Overthinking and self-doubt is also quite a common issue and a writer’s biggest enemy. As XO alluded to in the thread, part of being a good writer is knowing when enough is enough, or “when to put down the pen” so to speak. I think for your first offering your original submission was a great start. By comparison, this feels like an intro into that song, or an interlude following it. Had you combined and continued to work on the two entries, I could see that making for something quite fantastic. I would like your biggest takeaway from this first round to be utilizing the entire duration of the challenge to work on one really solid song rather than multiple partial ones. Read my original review for your song “Mountains and the sea” below for additional feedback, and I hope to see you apply yourself next round. Reveal hidden contents stupidjock - “Mountains and the sea” I think you have something quite strong here conceptually. Your experience in writing poetry, however minimal, has shone through here nicely. There’s a formatting mistake in the first line, and while we don’t dock points for that, I wanted to bring it to your attention. What I liked most was the sense of narrative progression you set up: introducing the pair of travelers in the first verse, admitting one traveler’s dependance on the other in the chorus, and demonstrating that dependance in the second verse. This lets the reader know you have forethought and an intent for where the song’s journey may take us. My overall constructive criticism would be that this entry reads like a competent first draft. This might sound like a negative comment, but getting a solid first draft down is often a difficult and crucial part of the writing process—it’s basically a roadmap of where you see the song ending up in its final form. Essentially, a recorded version of this concept would be a demo. Once at this stage, you have the ability to consider alternate phrases to convey the same ideas even better, tighten up any loose rhythm or rhymes, introduce new sections like a prechorus or a bridge to further aid narrative progression, etc. Keep in mind you will typically have five full days to write your submissions—make use of that time wisely! Come back to your writing with fresh eyes on a new day and really pick it apart, or consider sending it to another Golden Hit contestant for preliminary feedback and advice if you’re up for that. Also, don’t feel you have to force in a challenge’s title to satisfy the theme of the challenge. In this instance it worked quite nicely in your song, however knowing the future challenges’ titles, it may be more detrimental than beneficial. All in all, this was an exciting first foray into songwriting, and I believe if you research and apply some additional songwriting techniques utilizing the entire challenge duration, you’ll elevate your songs tenfold. Good luck! 6. @worldwide angel - “Babel” Wow, this was very different for you! We’ve come to know the typical worldwide angel song as something free-flowing, usually subverting conventional song structures for a more stream-of-consciousness approach to writing. While you’ve mastered that, it’s so refreshing to see something like this from you. In past writing tournaments, non-lyrical additions such as descriptions of what an instrumental may sound like or the addition of sound effects have been frowned upon, but honestly, I think it’s a fun additional tool to play around with and shows that you’re really envisioning something more than just lyrics on a page: a genuine, fully realized song. I love that you’ve combined elements of reality and fiction and created this phantom utopia, almost as if such places could only ever exist within one’s imagination. I think the second verse was quite interesting because it seemed to take a darker turn at its midpoint—was this representing rejecting the negative aspects when taking into consideration what pieces to borrow for your newfound Babel? I think the word choice of “schadenfreude” was interesting here, and similar to my critique of Legend E’s song, as the only instance of foreign language representation, it felt a touch out of place. However, as your song is thematically about taking pieces of different cultures and worlds to make a better whole, I’m giving you a bit of grace here. This was a lovely start to your season, and I am looking forward to seeing more fantastic writing from you! 7. @Antikythera - “Amsterdam (Lekker D)” Well yes! Okay, so we have a bilingual sex bop. Not at all what I was expecting from this round (I don’t know why, this is ATRL after all…) but I am not mad in the slightest. So far your entry has also showcased the most experimentation with the foreign language component of the brief, and it made complete sense within the context of your entry as a song set within the red-light district in Amsterdam. I’m all for a good sex bop, and while I think what you have here is very entertaining, I would have loved to see you dive even deeper into the erotic nature of this song. The first verse sets the song up as an almost getting-over-an-ex anthem, which would have been fun if you explored that a little more. For instance, in the second verse you could have highlighted how much fun you were having without them with specific examples of things you could have never done if you were still together, or how the sex was so much better with some other person. I also think this type of song would have really shone with a bit more of a sarcastic tone introduced, perhaps in the bridge, such as setting up for signs of regret or remorse and then instantly laughing them away. Just a few ideas for really making the most of your lyrics when writing in this genre. This was great fun, welcome to Golden Hit! 8. @Hey Dude - “High” This was a pretty zany submission. I fully support unconventionality and creative freedom, so it’s nice to see you writing however you want to write. I definitely get the longing for the remote desert cowboy lifestyle strongly in the chorus, but it does take a while to ramp up and get there. I feel your first verses could have been utilized a little better to slowly introduce more elements of this desert dreamscape fantasy of yours. The spoken sections were a nice lyrical device to play around with, but I don’t think they actually elevated this song per se. I’m still not really sure where this location is meant to be specifically, as it seems more like a pipe dream than a physical destination you are planning on going to. You’ve clearly got skill as a writer, but it almost feels as if you approached this challenge with a pre-determined writing format in mind, and worked around the challenge prompt rather than working with it. Without giving too much away, I actually think this style of writing will aid you nicely next round, however in future rounds I think it would be best to consider what is going to be the ideal approach to make the best piece of writing possible, not what might sorta kinda work with the characters and worldbuilding you’ve pre-established. Of course, feel free to disregard this critique if you absolutely want to continue to work exclusively within this universe of characters—it’s your art after all! 9. @blackoutbaby - “Paris Bítch” Wait, not this ‘Problématique’ outtake. I was absolutely GAGGED by the, “Lick me slow like escargot,” lyric: a perfect marriage of internal rhyming, double entendre, and cultural significance… the wit! 10/10 for this lyric alone, seriously. I also loved that the bridge was entirely in French, it just makes sense and I was here for it. Going back to the beginning, the comparisons to the Louvre and the Eiffel Tower were of course predictable, but make perfect sense within the context of the song. It would have been nice if you had pushed the envelope a bit rather than using the most blatant connotations, but eh, if it works, it works. Really committing to the Parisian icons theme and throwing in references such as arching your back like the Arc de Triomphe, or a play on some notable French public figure, would have made for some more interesting lyrical ideas than, “my sex is hot like fire,” and “I just can’t get enough,” for instance. Just because it rhymes doesn't mean it’s right! Try to avoid cliché language wherever possible, and if you really want to use a cliché, add a unique spin on it. While I do think there’s a lot more that you could have done here, the core concept is very fun, very fierce, and very cúnt, and I would like to see you continue to explore this side of yourself… or change it up entirely if you want! 10. @Invisibility - “Corchito” I’m so grateful that you’ve decided to participate in this season, as you certainly were one of—if not thee—breakout star of Golden Hit’s third season! This was a terrific reintroduction to your writing style. I really loved the lyric in your choruses comparing the combination of freshwater and saltwater to a person in two minds. I love water imagery, and this was such a beautiful connotation that just flowed really organically. Not the superscript citations for the foreign language translations… Well yes! This was a good amount of Spanish inclusion too—not too little that it felt thrown in just for the sake of it, but not too much that it made understanding the meaning of the song difficult. I really appreciate that you’ve taken inspiration from somewhere that is clearly significant to you in your own life and found meaning in its natural features and likened them to your innermost thoughts and feelings. If I really wanted to nitpick, I would say the lyric, “I can travel Mach 2 the wetlands,” isn’t grammatically correct, but the alternative (“2 to”) would also sound awkward, so perhaps dropping Mach 2 altogether would be best, as it doesn’t feel necessary to this song regardless. I knew this round was going to spawn some excellent material, but you all are going to make it very difficult to score and rank. Wonderful imagery, wonderful message, and overall a wonderful piece of writing. 11. @fountain - “The Square” You have no idea how happy it makes me to see you finally participating as a contestant, you’re so used to giving and now you get to receive! I love the breadth of submissions this round has inspired, from cities to countries to outer space, and of course on the other end of the spectrum, from idyllic worlds to specific reserves to something as simple as a patch of land visible from one’s childhood home. The range?! A lot of this entry almost felt like an intentional antithesis to this challenge’s prompt: rather than expressing longing for something else out there, it honed in on the reality of staying in one place and what feelings that evokes, and the acceptance of staying in the square despite acknowledging there’s nothing worth staying for. By extension I suppose this really is a song about lacking self-worth: by saying your childhood home and memories of a first love are nothing of worth, and the implication that you too are nothing of worth as you aren’t going anywhere. Heavy. I do believe there was a hint of optimism in the outro—not enough to be cheesy but enough to make me think this song is more reflective rather than absolutely representative of your current state of mind. I specifically loved the lyrics, “Up to no good, and feeling the same,” “Vertigo from looking up / Too much potential above,” and “Such depthless shapes may come and go / And make life three dimensional,” which stood out in a sea of lovely lyricism and well-structured sections. Conversely, the occasional lyric didn’t roll off the tongue as naturally as perhaps intended, such as, “If anything worth salvage, at all,” or “A hazy picture black / A memory — or all — I fail to track.” The meaning carries through, but a light iron wouldn’t go astray either. As you anticipated this was the longest of entries this round, but it never felt uncomfortably long as if it dragged on, or had one too many sections. I enjoyed the dynamic structure and how you framed everything, utilizing plenty of writing techniques such as mirroring sections or making slight alterations or expansions wherever necessary. What’s next, “The Circle,” “The Triangle”? Are we in for your Ed Sheeran-inspired geometry era? 12. @Prisoner - “The Fishpond Behind My Grandfather's Home” Well, there’s absolutely no question about where your song is inspired by! Love the specificity. This was such a lovely poetic piece to end this round on. You couldn’t have possibly known this, but it almost felt like a continuation of fountain’s song as it delved into somewhat similar themes of childhood memories. There were some really brilliant themes you introduced here, such as everything seeming much grander in scale through the eyes of a child, both literally (“Though now that I really think about it / It could've been an acre or so, much rather”) and figuratively (“I'd find the most glorious fish pond in the entire world”). It was also equally touching and sad to learn of the fate of the fish pond, and how even though you may want to go back, you never can. This was a very nice example of a song that wouldn’t necessarily benefit from a repeating chorus, and I didn’t feel myself missing or wanting one—a refrain, perhaps? But that’s more of a stylistic preference than a criticism. I found it interesting that you decided to switch from an ABCB rhyme scheme to an ABCC one towards the end. I’m in two minds about this, because while I certainly appreciate the change of pace, without a refrain or anything to break the sections up it initially caught me off guard. Minor qualms aside, this was a lovely piece of writing, and I did want to highlight your tercet prior to the final verse, which was gorgeous. ⚜️ A few reminders: we are still accepting submissions for this round if you have not yet done so and plan to. Your next challenge will be posted by yours truly in approximately 15 hours. I hope that doesn't spook! Results for this first round will take place the following day at a time to be determined. We'll see you there! thank you so much again for such kind words and great advice 1
Aurora Posted October 28, 2023 Posted October 28, 2023 My oh my, it appears there’s a full moon in approximately 5 minutes! I wonder what else might happen at this time. 🌕
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