Having Dark Thoughts ATM.

[Lana Banana]

It’s very tough for me to put this down in words, but it’s been too long since I’ve said anything. This year, end of June, I celebrated 7 years ever since I moved to The Netherlands after graduating university as a qualified teacher of English and social sciences. Everything seemed in the colors of the rainbow, the final job I had in Latvia was the most amazing one - with the most honest and fair colleagues I’ve ever encountered in my life and only the best students that I still keep in touch with today and see them grow, live their best lives (some came to me for advice about coming out, too).

 

Has my life been the best one ever since I moved to The Netherlands? Unfortunately, absolutely not. I moved here to carry on a life together with a person that I’m since 5 years ago no longer with. We got a dog (corgi) together, got engaged in front of the Hollywood sign in Los Angeles (blame Lana’s “Lust for Life”  ) and ever since we broke up I’ve never seen my dog and he had an Excel sheet for all the things he ever paid for me (milk, 50cents etc.). Have I found the perfect teaching job? No, I haven’t. I’ve been hustling to pay the rent in Amsterdam, building up debts because of not being able to find a proper teaching job in a school. I worked at an international school but unfortunately wasn’t offered a further contract because of what I was going through at that moment. I went to the school therapist and exposed myself, few days later I got a call from the principal’s assistant that I can’t go on a trip with my own class because of the information they’ve received from the school therapist. Since then, if someone tells me to go seek a therapist, I wanna flip them off. Never doing it again. 

 

Years later, after hustling in the hospitality and fast food businesses, this year, in March - after COVID-19, finally, landed a job in a school, close to home. Was it challenging talking to colleagues and reading all the staff emails in Dutch? Definitely, but it wasn’t difficult. I never complained. Colleagues, friends and students who know me, know that I am open for literally anything in the world and will always gleam a ray of sunshine whenever. I choose not to complain or talk about people behind their backs, but somehow there are many people in the world who get pleasure out of doing so. 

 

This week, after being promised a position at the same school that I’ve been teaching at since March, I got the news that actually they are not offering me anything. See, I just turned 30 and I still don’t have the perfect life. I guess it’s fine, but it’s mentally tiring. I know who I am and I know that I got 2 Teacher of the Year awards in Latvia during my last semester of university.

 

I know that I am worth more than being talked about behind my back and being under-appreciated. If I came to The Netherlands to “live my truth” and “be who I am”, then it’s actually been the opposite. I’ve had to sustain myself, my personality, I’ve had to remove my visible tattoos because it’s not all rainbows and smiles here either. 

 

I can’t wait for end of August and reunite with my best friends from Latvia, just sit, have a drink and ***** about life. I didn’t do this to me. I feel disappointed in life because for some reason I expected more. I expected that life wouldn’t be about grinding for money in order to pay rent when you have no safety net like parents (I’m an orphan), I expected that life would be kind, and so far it hasn’t been.

 

I’ve had dark thoughts many times, but my friends were always there to talk to me and support me. I’ve been homeless here (Amsterdam) for many months in 2018-2019, with a four year university degree. It hurts to talk about it, but it’s also good to talk about it. I never portray weaknesses on social media, therefore, none of people probably even knew about my daily struggles for the last 7 years. 

 

Today, I feel like I’m immune to all of these obstacles. Just senseless. Something like that happened again - brush it off and move along, always have. I live every day hoping that stars will someday align my way, and as long as I have the perfect boyfriend, can shower, and a roof above my head, I know that I will be fine tomorrow. But. It feels lonely not to be able to share these thoughts with anyone. And music helps.

Edited July 13, 2023 by Lana Banana

[wehavetostan]

Hey, I’m sorry that things haven’t been going well for a while. I understand why you’ve been keeping things in, and it’s not right that your confidential information was shared without your permission. I hope you’re able to find a job that is both emotionally and financially beneficial soon. 

[Bubble Tea]

Sounds really rough, sorry to hear. I'm wondering if perhaps you've really given the Netherlands a serious go and perhaps it's not panning out, maybe there comes a time when one must admit defeat? I'm not sure where you're from however, Lativa?

 

There's always some compromises in life and especially in the workplace, we can't all be our purest screaming personalities or else there'd be a million clashes and arguments, so it's an unfortunate reality that we must all find a "polite" version of ourselves for most civilized workplaces.

 

Sorry to hear about your ex but that's not to say the time you spent together wasn't lovely or special, it just didn't last forever. There's no need to view it as a failure, it doesn't sound like he's been very charming or polite post-break up but that's his problem. Sorry about the dog though, that's really rough and poor form.

 

I would suggest really considering a return to your homeland where hopefully you have some more friends and family support, and finding some stability and a healthy routine while you plot your next moves. Having to deal with homelessness must be extremely difficult. Sending you a lot of love! 

 

Don't always swim against the current, you can do it sometimes but not always. Do what feels natural and right, not just what your ego and pride dictates.

 

Take care, xx

[robattack332]

"If the Universe removed you from a table where you used to sit it's because you were being saved from the poison they were serving."

 

I know quotes and stuff don't always mean much when you're going through rough times but I've found this one to be true at every stop of life. 30 is young, and time is on your side. Thank you for sharing. Things like this will help a lot of other people that feel lonely as well. 

Edited July 13, 2023 by robattack332

[liquiddiamonds]

Your ex was an *******. Doesn’t matter how many things out of a Kate Hudson romantic comedy he did for you as memories, keeping an excel of everything he ever bought you is downright nasty. He knew it could be over at any minute. Consider that something you needed to get rid of in life.

 

like so many of us COVID really hit you in a vulnerable point of life. You’re not alone and Im not pointing this out to make you feel worse, just to show that a lot of us have empathy for that. Your career is not over. The world is just in a terrible place right now. The things they sold to us are harder and harder to achieve in such conditions. Survival already feels like a victory, especially if you came from a poorer country with less resources.
 

30 is still young to achieve the things you want to. Don’t let other gays fool you. I have friends that secured the life they had always dreamt of with a partner past their 40s. It’s truly a number, although the pressure is always there to be young and successful so you can enjoy more of life. 
 

I hope you can change your mind about therapy. In other places what they did to you is criminal. There are confidentiality clauses that forbid these behaviors with all of my therapists. Unfortunately you fell into a trap from your old school.

 

If you’re unhappy with your new job, frustrated, even with the country, maybe you need to work a plan on getting out and moving to another one. Maybe a more liberal one that could help reconnect with aspects of your personality you have lost, with better job prospects with teaching and less of a housing crisis (amsterdam has been really tough and rent used to be crazy expensive compared to other european cities when I was livin in the EU). 
 

I hope you get out of this situation. You have time. Work on your mental health. One step at a time, each day a new victory and think ahead to restart. You can always do it. There’s no expiration date for changing your life around. Planning feels impossible in bleak times but its much needed. I hope your friends can help you and putting your thoughts out helped in any way too. It’s time to stop grieving the fantasy that was sold to you and bury once and for all to rebuild something new from theses ashes. 🌹

[creativity.]

40 minutes ago, Lana Banana said:

he had an Excel sheet for all the things he ever paid for me (milk, 50cents etc.)

Oh this is really gross behavior. I’m so sorry you’ve had to endure this, but I think you’re lucky to no longer be with him

[Darkgalord]

Your post made me so emotional. Life can be so TOUGH and hopeless sometimes as if the universe itself conspired against us and there's nothing to do about it. 

I'm so sorry you're going through difficult times. Sending you my best wishes. 

Edited July 13, 2023 by Darkgalord

[Queen.]

Help is available

Speak with someone today

---

988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline

Hours: Available 24 hours. Languages: English, Spanish. 

Learn more

988

[Lana Banana]

4 minutes ago, Queen. said:

Help is available

Speak with someone today

---

988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline

Hours: Available 24 hours. Languages: English, Spanish. 

Learn more

988

Wtf?

[Lana Banana]

I really want to reply to all of the nice replies, you all made me emotional, so I would like to sleep on it and reply tomorrow if that’s alright. As in there is so much I would like to reply to all of you. Thank you. 

Edited July 13, 2023 by Lana Banana

[réveuse]

1 hour ago, Lana Banana said:

It’s very tough for me to put this down in words, but it’s been too long since I’ve said anything. This year, end of June, I celebrated 7 years ever since I moved to The Netherlands after graduating university as a qualified teacher of English and social sciences. Everything seemed in the colors of the rainbow, the final job I had in Latvia was the most amazing one - with the most honest and fair colleagues I’ve ever encountered in my life and only the best students that I still keep in touch with today and see them grow, live their best lives. 

 

Has my life been the best one ever since I moved to The Netherlands? Unfortunately, absolutely not. I moved here to carry on a life together with a person that I’m since 5 years ago no longer with. We got a dog (corgi) together, got engaged in front of the Hollywood sign in Los Angeles, and ever since we broke up I’ve never seen my dog and he had an Excel sheet for all the things he ever paid for me (milk, 50cents etc.) Have I found the perfect teaching job? No, I haven’t. I’ve been hustling to pay the rent in Amsterdam, building up debts because of not being able to find a proper teaching job in a school. I worked at an international school but unfortunately wasn’t offered a further contract because of what I was going through at that moment. I went to the school therapist and exposed myself, few days later I got a call from the principal’s assistant that I can’t go on a trip with my own class because of the information they’ve received from the school therapist. Since then, if someone tells me to go seek a therapist, I wanna flip them off. Never doing it again. 

 

Years later, after hustling in the hospitality and fast food  businesses, this year, in March - after COVID-19, finally, landed a job in a school, close to home. Was it challenging talking to colleagues and reading all the staff emails in Dutch? Definitely, but it wasn’t difficult. I never complained. Colleagues, friends and students who know me, know that I am open for literally anything in the world and will always gleam a ray of sunshine whenever. I choose not to complain or talk about people behind their backs, but somehow there are many people in the world who get pleasure out of doing so. 

 

This week, after being promised a position at the same school that I’ve been teaching at since March, I got the news that actually they are not offering me anything. See, I just turned 30 and I still don’t have the perfect life. I guess it’s fine, but it’s mentally tiring. I know who I am and I know that I got 2 Teacher of the Year awards in Latvia during my last semester of university.

 

I know that I am worth more than being talked about behind my back and being under-appreciated. If I came to The Netherlands to “live my truth” and “be who I am”, then it’s actually been the opposite. I’ve had to sustain myself, my personality, I’ve had to remove my visible tattoos because it’s not all rainbows and smiles here either. 

 

I can’t wait for end of August and reunite with my best friends from Latvia, just sit, have a drink and ***** about life. I didn’t do this to me. I feel disappointed in life because for some reason I expected more. I expected that life wouldn’t be about grinding for money in order to pay rent when you have no safety net like parents (I’m an orphan), I expected that life would be kind, and so far it hasn’t been.

 

I’ve had dark thoughts many times, but my friends were always there to talk to me and support me. I’ve been homeless here (Amsterdam) many months in 2018-2019, with a university degree. It hurts to talk about it but it’s also good to talk about it. I never portray weaknesses on social media, therefore, none of people probably even knew about my daily struggles for the last 7 years. 

 

Today, I feel like I’m immune to all of these obstacles. Just senseless. Something like that happened again - brush it off and move along, always have. I live every day hoping that stars will someday align my way, and as long as I have the perfect boyfriend, can shower, and a roof above my head, I know that I will be fine tomorrow. But. It feels lonely not to be able to share these thoughts with anyone. And music helps.

I am so sorry for the issues you are having. I hope luck comes to you and your life will get better.

Edited July 13, 2023 by réveuse
Grammar mistake.

[Queen.]

5 minutes ago, Lana Banana said:

Wtf?

I just want to make sure you will be ok

[Lana Banana]

3 minutes ago, Queen. said:

I just want to make sure you will be ok

Alright, thank you.

Not having any egocentric trips about suicide or anything, but could. Too many people around me who care about me, who, unfortunately, aren’t physically close, care. So I would never consider performing a selfish act. 

Edited July 13, 2023 by Lana Banana

[venuss]

I don't even know what to say. I know how it feels wanting to talk about deep personal stuff but feeling like you can't trust the people who are supposed to help you. It's worth to give it another try, even if it's baby steps like making this thread.  

 

I hope everything works out for you - I would consider, given your profession, looking for a job somewhere else or trying to get a scholarship to further your studies. Trying something different is always a possibility and you seem like a smart dedicated person. Give yourself a try. 

 

 

Regarding your love life: you're still young. That past relationship seems (and maybe was) very intense but there's still many many more experiences ahead of you. I know you're missing the company and affection, the feeling of comfort, it's normal. You'll eventually find someone but focus on your self first.

 

 

Spoiler

 

 

[justinxx]

hi! i also just turned 30 this year. undoubtedly, you’ve faced a lot of difficulty in the past few years—probably more than most of your peers. i’m sorry about that. i think a lot of freedom comes from letting go of what is meant to be achieved/accomplished/attained by a certain age. this is obviously gradual and easier said than done … so much of that pressure comes from society. i only say this since you mentioned social media in your post: delete/deactivate your instagram during this time or maybe for a year or so. if you’re unhappy with where you are in life, looking at other people’s progress every single day is not going to help at all. my other advice would be to pursue something—no matter how small—a hobby, pursuit, whatever, that gives you some excitement/hope about the future. these are some things that have helped me over the past three years and my mental state is so much better than it once was.

[Lana Banana]

1 hour ago, venuss said:

I don't even know what to say. I know how it feels wanting to talk about deep personal stuff but feeling like you can't trust the people who are supposed to help you. It's worth to give it another try, even if it's baby steps like making this thread.  

 

I hope everything works out for you - I would consider, given your profession, looking for a job somewhere else or trying to get a scholarship to further your studies. Trying something different is always a possibility and you seem like a smart dedicated person. Give yourself a try. 

 

 

Regarding your love life: you're still young. That past relationship seems (and maybe was) very intense but there's still many many more experiences ahead of you. I know you're missing the company and affection, the feeling of comfort, it's normal. You'll eventually find someone but focus on your self first.

 

 

  Hide contents

 

 

Obviously I didn’t include that I’m in a loving relationship right now for almost 5 years. My whole OP was overwhelming, sorry. 
 

Thank you so much for the kind words. 
 

I’m actually very much considering finding a job in Asia (China, Thailand) to just get away, just for a year. That was also the main reason I became an English teacher, but all these travel

plans shattered during Covid. 

Edited July 13, 2023 by Lana Banana

[ugo]

2 hours ago, Lana Banana said:

Obviously I didn’t include that I’m in a loving relationship right now for almost 5 years. My whole OP was overwhelming, sorry. 
 

Thank you so much for the kind words. 
 

I’m actually very much considering finding a job in Asia (China, Thailand) to just get away, just for a year. That was also the main reason I became an English teacher, but all these travel

plans shattered during Covid. 

I think that could be helpful for you to try something new and add new energy to your life. My boyfriend used to work in Hong Kong at an International school and the pay was really great. It's such a fun place too and you won't feel too disoriented because it's still very westernised and there's a big expat community there.

[Theshigo Washidu]

Don't be too hard on yourself.

You mentioned being 30 and not having the perfect life - nothing wrong with that, we are all a work in progress. You're still young and you have plenty of time to live your dreams and enjoy happiness.

 

Have you thought about moving back to Latvia and working at your old school? You seemed happier there than in the Netherlands.

 

Don't put too much stock in having the perfect man either, work on yourself first. Men change like seasons, many would leave you high and dry.

 

 

[Pendulum]

16 hours ago, creativity. said:

Oh this is really gross behavior. I’m so sorry you’ve had to endure this, but I think you’re lucky to no longer be with him

As absurd as it sounds, this is typical of Dutch people. My friend (non-Dutch) had a thing with a Dutch guy and when she called it quits, he sent her a payment inquiry for all the dinner dates they've been to. In fact, most of the things the OP is describing are typical Dutch traits. Been living there for three years and it's all painfully similar. Nobody would really care for you if you're not Dutch. When I called a hotline number for.. you guessed it, the first thing the person on the other side told me was "oh, that's sad". 

 

@Lana Banana You shouldn't be hard on yourself. Moving to another country and settling there is a big achievement and you can be proud of yourself for tackling this massive life change.  

 

 

Edited July 13, 2023 by Pendulum

[Slap]

So sorry to hear about what happened with that therapist, that is highly unethical. As somebody who also does not have the safety net of parents I can relate, most people will never know that feeling of facing the cold harsh realities of the world when there is no backup option to default to during tough times, and nor do I wish that on anybody. But there is a strength and wisdom you gain from facing that adversity, you can become your ideal self parent. 
 

If you don’t trust a therapist, I highly reccomend journaling if you haven’t already and I don’t mean talking about your day, spill your deepest darkest fears and emotions into it and find a place for them on the page, the feelings you’re worried are too much for your friends to handle. 
 

You can also find journaling apps such as Day One where you can dictate or do voice journals which feels more like therapy. Go for a walk  somewhere quiet with your headphones on and try just venting to yourself about everything and then listen back to it, it can be incredibly insightful and it’s free (which is obviously important right now). Sounds like you have a lot to get off your chest and it might be the safer way for you to do that right now.

[Oktober Knight]

Things will work out! Just follow your heart and what you truly want, even if that means giving up the life you started in The Netherlands. Don't look at things as a failure, look at it as an experience that not many others have. You'll find the right path soon 

[Aethereal]

You've been through the worst at this point. You will have ups and downs but the greatest steps are done.

You should not feel shame about wanting to talk about your problems, it does help and it's absolutely valid.