discussion How to avoid being overly attached to someone you just met?

[Likingstars]

 

It's not easy for me to develop feelings for other people, but when I do, I tend to fall hard for them after the first or second date i everything goes well. I am aware of this so I learned to hold myself back a bit when approaching these new exciting relationships. Usually I only go out with them once a week, avoid texting them all them time, keep my cool... all of that. But if they don't respond to my text, or if I feel like we are drifting apart, it just makes me feel very anxious and empty. And if I feel like they are not interested in me anymore, I just quietly withdraw too.

 

I think that it's completely normal to go on a few dates with the same person until you realize you're not a match. But I feel like people move on so easily and I am just a wreck every time anyone leaves me. I think I shouln;t be this upset over someone I only meet a few times, but I can't help myself feeling this way. THe cycle of dating: talking to new people, go out on first date, hit it off, sex, slowly drifting apart... wash rinse repeat. I just get so tired of it and I feel like I cannot handle people leaving me anymore right now.

 

Recently I learned that my attachment type is anxious, and that might explain what's going on with me  I'm thinking about going to therapy for this, but just wonder if anyone has the same experience and how you guys deal with this 

[skwonderfactory]

Embrace your feelings and remember it’s okay to be attached, just as long as you don’t become obsessive or hurt yourself. The right person will make you feel completely comfortable to be yourself because they will want all of you for you and eventually need you. Don’t rush it, but also don’t let opportunity get away because of your anxiety. All of your emotions are valid.

[Big Bad Wolf]

Stream Lana Del Rey, and date multiple people at once imo.

[Lady Claire]

I love this thread bc i'm EXACTLY like you and i'm going through the same thing rn.

 

It sucks so much to deal with anxiety. When i keep my cool i think i might look not interested at all and push the guy away; if i talk more i think i'm being inconvenient and annoying and deeply regret right after

 

Just last night he took some hours to respond me while he was online on other social media. I felt so bad bc i thought i was being a pain the ass, and eventually he answered (everything was ok) but i only replied today. And he sent more messages through the night but i ignored him bc i thought he needed space or else lol

 

I was doing therapy and it was kinda helping me, but that anxiety remains there. I try to stay away from my phone, browse here on ATRL, check some stuff from college etc but yeah. It's so bad to feel like you're always bothering people and wondering if they're not interested anymore.

 

 

Edited April 9, 2023 by Lady Claire

[Pop]

Therapy. 

[dumbsparce]

28 minutes ago, Big Bad Wolf said:

Stream Lana Del Rey, and date multiple people at once imo.

 

[Pendulum]

it's giving borderline 

[LadyDiana]

I have a feeling we live in a society where relationships are just some single use products and you can use them, throw them away and go on the next one. I have the same feeling as you kid. I just want to be attached, is it that bad? I think porn destroued a lot, like sex liberation was good, but too much of it is def bad. 

[CristianGarcia]

I’m the same way but I’ve learned to treat my emotional like a prize. 
 

Just like you have to prove if you’re worthy of him he has to as well. Getting attached on the second date shows that you fall for just anybody and that’s I think the most unattractive trait in dating.

 

View your emotions as a trophy. You can still be you, and have a great time but keep your attachment under wraps until he’s done enough to deserve that. 

[WSalgado]

Are you me? This very week I was gradually ghosted by a guy I was having a marvelous time knowing and bonding with over the past month only a couple days after our last date when we spent the entire night intertwined in each other's arms 

 

It's not the first time it happens but it's probably the one that hurts the most since we were having a connection at an intellectual level that's so rare to develop with anyone and left me as a sobbing mess 

 

What I've been reflecting this past days is that unfortunately we can't control how other people feel and the way they treat us tells more about them than it does about us. In my case, I was very cautious since the beginning. When I fall for someone I fall hard and deep, but I was doing everything the best way I could: wasn't needy nor clingy, respected his space and his time, never talked about "us" as a couple, etc; I was just having a good time being with him and enjoying his company. There wasn't anything I could've done to save this "relationship" because, as I said, the problem is (almost) always with the ghoster instead of the one being ghosted. The only thing left to do is to save at least a bit of dignity and knowing your own worth. Don't chase them, don't beg for them to stay and don't let anyone have this sort of power over you. Take your time to heal and move on; there's plenty of fish in the sea and you'll never lose for caring too much, it's their loss.

 

Be well and at peace OP 

[John Slayne]

2 hours ago, Likingstars said:

I just get so tired of it and I feel like I cannot handle people leaving me anymore right now.

Maybe take a break from dating and focus on your life, friends, and hobbies. It sounds like you're putting too much hope into these relationships thinking that they will perform a certain function in your life, and while romantic relationships can be beautiful and fulfilling, your happiness shouldn't depend on them. 

 

At the end of the day, the most important and significant relationship is the one you have with yourself. Be kind to yourself, better yourself, and most importantly - have fun! Please don't try to view dating as a way towards happiness, it's not going to work. Statistically, most relationships don't work out anyway so make sure you are secure and content with your single life before you start dating people.

[XtianB]

 this book will help you tremendously to understand yourself and other attachment styles.

[GreatCoolBright]

I think if u like someone don’t play games. I used to be like that. I fall for someone rarely but when i do i’m kinda obsessiveky attached. I think the key is finding happiness within yourself, and a lover is only supplementary.

[Likingstars]

2 hours ago, WSalgado said:

Are you me? This very week I was gradually ghosted by a guy I was having a marvelous time knowing and bonding with over the past month only a couple days after our last date when we spent the entire night intertwined in each other's arms 

 

It's not the first time it happens but it's probably the one that hurts the most since we were having a connection at an intellectual level that's so rare to develop with anyone and left me as a sobbing mess 

 

What I've been reflecting this past days is that unfortunately we can't control how other people feel and the way they treat us tells more about them than it does about us. In my case, I was very cautious since the beginning. When I fall for someone I fall hard and deep, but I was doing everything the best way I could: wasn't needy nor clingy, respected his space and his time, never talked about "us" as a couple, etc; I was just having a good time being with him and enjoying his company. There wasn't anything I could've done to save this "relationship" because, as I said, the problem is (almost) always with the ghoster instead of the one being ghosted. The only thing left to do is to save at least a bit of dignity and knowing your own worth. Don't chase them, don't beg for them to stay and don't let anyone have this sort of power over you. Take your time to heal and move on; there's plenty of fish in the sea and you'll never lose for caring too much, it's their loss.

 

Be well and at peace OP 

Your post really resonates with me. Thank you love 

 

1 hour ago, XtianB said:

 this book will help you tremendously to understand yourself and other attachment styles.

I need this

 

 

34 minutes ago, GreatCoolBright said:

I think if u like someone don’t play games. I used to be like that. I fall for someone rarely but when i do i’m kinda obsessiveky attached. I think the key is finding happiness within yourself, and a lover is only supplementary.

i don’t play game either but im aware that its weird to have someone so intensely into you so early on so I learn to keep it under wrap. 

[Likingstars]

4 hours ago, Lady Claire said:

I love this thread bc i'm EXACTLY like you and i'm going through the same thing rn.

 

It sucks so much to deal with anxiety. When i keep my cool i think i might look not interested at all and push the guy away; if i talk more i think i'm being inconvenient and annoying and deeply regret right after

 

Just last night he took some hours to respond me while he was online on other social media. I felt so bad bc i thought i was being a pain the ass, and eventually he answered (everything was ok) but i only replied today. And he sent more messages through the night but i ignored him bc i thought he needed space or else lol

 

I was doing therapy and it was kinda helping me, but that anxiety remains there. I try to stay away from my phone, browse here on ATRL, check some stuff from college etc but yeah. It's so bad to feel like you're always bothering people and wondering if they're not interested anymore.

 

 

I think deep down there’s a fear that I am unloveable. That’s why everytime I feel connected with someone I get anxious. Either because Im afraid they will find out the real unloveable me, or Im afraid that they will leave and it will be hard to find another one who connects with me. 
 

Im working through this still

[Alldeezy]

I do it too sometimes.  Just don't act on it and take a step back.

 

[imabadkid]

2 hours ago, GreatCoolBright said:

I think if u like someone don’t play games. I used to be like that. I fall for someone rarely but when i do i’m kinda obsessiveky attached. I think the key is finding happiness within yourself, and a lover is only supplementary.

yeah I think transparency is the most important thing tbh

[zasderfght]

I used to be exactly like you. Here's how I broke the cycle (for the record, I am not a licensed mental health professional or therapist, and someone who is is much more likely to help you change your perspective towards dating and relationships than a rando on ATRL): 

 

1. Finding the right therapist. One that will push you to alter your perspective on dating/relationships & practice self-care, but will also reserve judgment/encourage you as you're working on changing your perspective. 

 

Therapy is great, but you gotta keep with it and put the work in. It's okay and expected to fumble, but when you fumble, remember how that feels like and that you are capable of greatness. Everyone is. 

 

2. Possibly consider anti-anxiety medication if your doctor and/or therapist recommends it. Off Zoloft, my mental health was an absolute mess. Being on Zoloft + keeping with therapy did wonders for my mental health. 

 

If you're anxious, you tend to produce less serotonin iirc, and this can negatively impact the relationship you have with yourself and others. While what I'm gonna say in #3 is important & everyone should do it, sometimes basic self-care w/o medication isn't enough. 

 

3. Practice basic self-care. That means showering, getting your 8-10 hours of uninterrupted sleep, eating a balanced diet, at least an hour of exercise, make sure your vitamins/blood work is okay. When you're not doing this, your energy levels tank and your mood is negatively affected. 

 

4. View dating as getting to know strangers. The best approach imo is "I'm looking for friends, but I'm open to dating if it comes to that." When we go on dates expecting not only us to like them and for them to like us, that's when dating can take a hit to our ego and our outlook on dating. And guys will be eager/manipulate-- especially in their 20s (not sure how old you are) to get sex or to date because they're lonely. Don't jump into sex, saying you like/love each other, or really holding hands/kissing until you're a few dates in imo. This isn't a black-and-white rule, but when I had sex or was physical too early, it backfired. 

 

5. Make sure you're "whole" as you're dating/hooking up. Make sure you're enjoying your own company, friends and family's company, etc. Make sure you have healthy habits towards boundary-setting, your finances, etc. No one wants to date someone that's emotionally or financially-dependent on others. Act/behave like a full-fledged adult. 

 

6. Know your boundaries. If someone isn't willing to work with you, not a person keeping around. If someone wants sex right away and pressures you, red flag. 

 

It's up to you if you want an FWB/hookup thing while you date, but that helped me. You get the satisfaction of sex and feeling sexy/confident while not expecting that in dating, at least right away. No strings attached-- no problems (but this is tricky if you catch feelings easily, even in hookup situations). 

 

This is long, but I'm known for my long posts lol If you wanna talk, my inbox is open! Good luck! 

[305]

Is it cool that I said all that? 

Is it chill that you're in my head?

Cause I know that it's delicate. 

 

Is it cool that I said all that?

Is it too soon to do this yet?

Cause I know that it's delicate.

[RideOrDie]

fix your relationship with your dad (could be mum as well but if you are a gay man it's gonna be your dad)

or the idea that you have of him in your head. 

the anxiety with a new attachment comes from residual unresolved feelings you have for him (again most likely the dad but i dont know your history so) 

if you cant fix it on your own and most likely you won't be able to without support, go to therapy. someone who is good with attachment styles and trauma based therapy models.

and do a magic mushroom trip if you aren't scared to face what causes the anxiety. fastest way to heal

and some sort of daily emotional processing: meditation, yoga or journaling are really good for this.

good luck and let me know if u want more tips or for more to expand. don't bother with relationship/dating tips, anti depressants or anti anxiety medication, and nonsense like affirmations. 

[Sweet Sexy Savage]

8 minutes ago, zasderfght said:

I used to be exactly like you. Here's how I broke the cycle (for the record, I am not a licensed mental health professional or therapist, and someone who is is much more likely to help you change your perspective towards dating and relationships than a rando on ATRL): 

 

1. Finding the right therapist. One that will push you to alter your perspective on dating/relationships & practice self-care, but will also reserve judgment/encourage you as you're working on changing your perspective. 

 

Therapy is great, but you gotta keep with it and put the work in. It's okay and expected to fumble, but when you fumble, remember how that feels like and that you are capable of greatness. Everyone is. 

 

2. Possibly consider anti-anxiety medication if your doctor and/or therapist recommends it. Off Zoloft, my mental health was an absolute mess. Being on Zoloft + keeping with therapy did wonders for my mental health. 

 

If you're anxious, you tend to produce less serotonin iirc, and this can negatively impact the relationship you have with yourself and others. While what I'm gonna say in #3 is important & everyone should do it, sometimes basic self-care w/o medication isn't enough. 

 

3. Practice basic self-care. That means showering, getting your 8-10 hours of uninterrupted sleep, eating a balanced diet, at least an hour of exercise, make sure your vitamins/blood work is okay. When you're not doing this, your energy levels tank and your mood is negatively affected. 

 

4. View dating as getting to know strangers. The best approach imo is "I'm looking for friends, but I'm open to dating if it comes to that." When we go on dates expecting not only us to like them and for them to like us, that's when dating can take a hit to our ego and our outlook on dating. And guys will be eager/manipulate-- especially in their 20s (not sure how old you are) to get sex or to date because they're lonely. Don't jump into sex, saying you like/love each other, or really holding hands/kissing until you're a few dates in imo. This isn't a black-and-white rule, but when I had sex or was physical too early, it backfired. 

 

5. Make sure you're "whole" as you're dating/hooking up. Make sure you're enjoying your own company, friends and family's company, etc. Make sure you have healthy habits towards boundary-setting, your finances, etc. No one wants to date someone that's emotionally or financially-dependent on others. Act/behave like a full-fledged adult. 

 

6. Know your boundaries. If someone isn't willing to work with you, not a person keeping around. If someone wants sex right away and pressures you, red flag. 

 

It's up to you if you want an FWB/hookup thing while you date, but that helped me. You get the satisfaction of sex and feeling sexy/confident while not expecting that in dating, at least right away. No strings attached-- no problems (but this is tricky if you catch feelings easily, even in hookup situations). 

 

This is long, but I'm known for my long posts lol If you wanna talk, my inbox is open! Good luck! 

Great points, especially #3-6 as those are some things I’m constantly working on

[zasderfght]

5 minutes ago, Sweet Sexy Savage said:

Great points, especially #3-6 as those are some things I’m constantly working on

Thank you! And hey, even being in a relationship, I'm still working on basic self-care! The work is never truly done & there's lots to learn.