discussion After attending my fave's concert, I'll have nothing else to live for

[GentleEarthquake]

I know ATRL is not the best place to post this. but it's anonymous enough. And I just want at least one person to read my story. It can't be someone I know in real life. It'd be extremely hard to tell them. So... whatever

 

This friday, I'll finally get to see my fave live for the first and possibly the last time. I live in a country where not many foreign artists come, so I was quite surprised and amused. I was sure she was never gonna come here, so I always considered it a delusional dream. But it seems it will come true, if everything goes well.

 

The thing is, in 2021. Many events occurred which literally left me traumatized, in my own house. Everything was falling apart, and I had to cry myself to sleep hoping next day would be better, but it rarely happened. And it got worse everytime. My emotions started to fade away from my body and I became lifeless. I had constant headaches, it was hard to even get out of my bed, I could barely do the things I loved to do, I had long and tiring rage episodes which left me exhausted and hopeless, I didn't know what to do. I realized I've always been surrounded by violence, vile people. Things got to the point where my mind was completely fixated on stuff happening at home. I couldn't be at home for obvious reasons, and I couldn't be outside because I didn't want to return. I was afraid of returning and finding the same situation again, and again, and again. I was 17 at the time btw, still living with my parents...

 

Now two years have passed and although things have gotten a little better, I feel like I'll be forever diseased by those events. I saw a dozen psychologists, took various types of med, went to uni, tried to do new things, but I was always at the verge of things falling down again. I was hospitalized for a week last year and diagnosed with AS (aspergers) months after. I wasn't surprised, it kind of made sense, but I couldn't help but feel angry towards the world. How come I'm gay, neurodivergent, introverted, barely smart, not talented in arts, not talented in sports, not pretty and was born in a third world country and bullied in school. It's so damn unfair. 

 

I feel unable to finish this semester, things have gotten bad again, except for the concert, which I'm grateful for. But I'm thinking about finishing it all for once afterwards. It'd break my heart to leave my mom, my sister, my dog, my best friend... everything, but I don't know if I can't take this anymore.

 

Such a long text, but thank you if you read it all. 

[JayG]

Can’t offer any help but I feel the same 💛💔

[wehavetostan]

I’m sorry about what happened and that some of it is happening again. You’re still so young and although it doesn’t seem like it right now, you have so much left to do. Your fave’s concert will be a lot of fun, but you have so much left to live for after that too. 

[Cain]

Hey babes, as someone nearly a decade older than you who also suffers from ptss the only thing I can say to you is; if you hang in there, you will grow to love the person you’re becoming and you will look back at the person you are right now and be so proud of them

 

You went through all that and… you’re still here? That’s honestly a miracle, and so admirable. You went through so much terrible stuff and still something in you is getting you up everyday, going to school, having friends, loving your pet. Those are no minor things to keep up, that takes effort. Something in you is loving life enough that it’s making that effort, even if it doesn’t feel like that right now. I promise you that if you hang in there that something will only grow. It will take years, it will take therapy, and it will take a lot of uayering until you can see it for yourself, but you’re already doing incredibly well and are incredibly strong. You’re also 19 I’m guessing, which means your brain has another 6 years left to fully develop, and that’s going to become really noticeable, I can honestly feel my brain being wired differently now than it was in my teens and early 20s

 

At some point you will learn that right now, you are already enough. I hope you live to experience that day

[Nashe]

Sending you love & light in these dark times.

[Illuminati]

For starters I don't think ATRL is the best place to look for life advice and I do hope you try another therapist even if the ones before didn't help you. Finding the right one can make a huge difference! However, going by the theme of this thread, I can relate to putting all your hopes into a once in a lifetime concert cause nobody visits my country either and I think you should acknowledge the fact that there will be more moments like this in your life, where you're caught by a surprise and experience things you didn't think would happen. And you will be glad you were there to witness them. I believe you can get through the semester and there's a lot of great things to look forward to at such young age

Edited March 20, 2023 by Illuminati

[Guest]

14 minutes ago, Cain said:

Hey babes, as someone nearly a decade older than you who also suffers from ptss the only thing I can say to you is; if you hang in there, you will grow to love the person you’re becoming and you will look back at the person you are right now and be so proud of them

 

You went through all that and… you’re still here? That’s honestly a miracle, and so admirable. You went through so much terrible stuff and still something in you is getting you up everyday, going to school, having friends, loving your pet. Those are no minor things to keep up, that takes effort. Something in you is loving life enough that it’s making that effort, even if it doesn’t feel like that right now. I promise you that if you hang in there that something will only grow. It will take years, it will take therapy, and it will take a lot of uayering until you can see it for yourself, but you’re already doing incredibly well and are incredibly strong. You’re also 19 I’m guessing, which means your brain has another 6 years left to fully develop, and that’s going to become really noticeable, I can honestly feel my brain being wired differently now than it was in my teens and early 20s

 

At some point you will learn that right now, you are already enough. I hope you live to experience that day

This post broke me down.I feel like, for the first time—maybe—ever, that someone actually sees me. On some, IRL type sh*t, fr. 

 

Wow

OT: OP, with all that said, know that it will get better, but it will take time to trust and give yourself grace, to make it through that void. 
 

The late teens and twenties can be a really sh*tty and painful time and it will seem impossible to get over that hump, for only a little while, but know that you’re here for a reason. 
 

Remember to be patient and kind to yourself. You’re doing the best you can with what life has presented you right now and that is enough. YOU are enough—hold on my dear

Edited March 20, 2023 by Limitless

[Jotham]

It takes a lot of courage to speak out, thank you for reaching out to us and know that we are always here to support you. As others have said, the twenties and late teens can be really challenging, but know that things get better. I'm only a few years older than you and I'm still learning things, but I was in a similar spot to you when I was 20 where I was struggling a lot with my life's trajectory and felt that it was over. Eventually, I found so many things to live for: I found a new passion through volunteer work, made several new friends that I met online, discovered a new field I wanted to study in college, etc. So many good things happened to me that I never expected when I was a naive and overwhelmed twenty year old. There are so many good things awaiting you in life that you just don't know yet.

 

And once again, remember that if you ever need people to talk to, we are here.

[Shinseito]

Stay with us!!! There’s so much more good to come 

[Dear Reader]

2 hours ago, Cain said:

Hey babes, as someone nearly a decade older than you who also suffers from ptss the only thing I can say to you is; if you hang in there, you will grow to love the person you’re becoming and you will look back at the person you are right now and be so proud of them

 

You went through all that and… you’re still here? That’s honestly a miracle, and so admirable. You went through so much terrible stuff and still something in you is getting you up everyday, going to school, having friends, loving your pet. Those are no minor things to keep up, that takes effort. Something in you is loving life enough that it’s making that effort, even if it doesn’t feel like that right now. I promise you that if you hang in there that something will only grow. It will take years, it will take therapy, and it will take a lot of uayering until you can see it for yourself, but you’re already doing incredibly well and are incredibly strong. You’re also 19 I’m guessing, which means your brain has another 6 years left to fully develop, and that’s going to become really noticeable, I can honestly feel my brain being wired differently now than it was in my teens and early 20s

 

At some point you will learn that right now, you are already enough. I hope you live to experience that day

Such a wholesome post… wow 

 

OT: I can’t offer much help, but I wish you all the best and send you all the love in the world. Hope it does in fact get better for you, even though you can’t see it right now, Im pretty sure it will 

[mick64]

Hey hey, as someone who got saved midway through an attempt, I just want to say you could live and be excited for the small things along the way. Like taking your dogs on a walk on a different route or maybe just a cup of really good capuchino, or even driving to McDonald's at midnight to get some nuggets. I mean when I was slowly losing my consciousness, all i could think about was a cup of peach iced tea for some reason. So after i got saved I promised myself to look fowards to the small things around me to wake up to. I hope this way of thinking could help you <3 you survived that much, that is really something to be proud of <3

[Timber]

So sorry to hear this. Please don't go. I think you should try exploring new things and find new things to be passionate about whether it be different artist, maybe gaming, studying planets/aliens/books, learning instruments/languages, hiking, animals, plants, etc. You can make a complete 180*, I believe in you!

[ariananext]

 

 

I'm so sorry you're going through this, as others said, small steps and little things can help you make it, I know it's hard, but you've already overcome so so much, don't let it all go wasted. 

 

When you go to the show and feel the joy, enjoy it to the fullest and while you're at it, try believing that you can and will feel that joy again, and not only thanks to music!

 

Concerts are some of the best and most joyful moments of our life, allow it to push you to the next chapter, you WILL find your path again. Sending you love 

 

 

Edited March 20, 2023 by ariananext

[brazil]

I'm sorry you're going through thus. Understand that there are people out there that care about you, even if you don't know them. 

 

How about starting yoga and meditation, I find these help with my mental health, if millions are doing there must be something there. Also, therapy takes time, find a therapist you like and stick with them.

[heckinglovato]

6 hours ago, Cain said:

You’re also 19 I’m guessing, which means your brain has another 6 years left to fully develop, and that’s going to become really noticeable, I can honestly feel my brain being wired differently now than it was in my teens and early 20s

 

At some point you will learn that right now, you are already enough. I hope you live to experience that day

I cannot emphasize this point strongly enough.

 

@OP not saying you aren't old enough to tackle the issues life throws at you, in fact you're very much well-poised to do that given there's been mental health growth in the past couple of years for you. However, do trust me when I say that the 5-6 upcoming years will be life-changing.

 

As you grow towards your mid-20s, your brain will grow in tremendous ways you couldn't possibly imagine before. You will inadvertently let go of many unhealthy thoughts, behaviors, and even relationships (with humans and even non-human objects) that you will realize don't really matter. You will learn how to cope properly with many situations that would previously drive your mind to the darkest places. You will also have a better idea of what your body, brain, and emotions needs in order to generally feel better. 

 

50% of that will come naturally as you grow and experience life, and I would say the other 50% will be shaped up by the kind of work you put in right now. Some things (from my experience) which I advise for you to explore:

• Any form of meditation you feel comfortable with. Try different kinds and download different apps then see what you like best.
• Physical health. Things like going to the gym and eating healthy could improve your overall psychology, not to mention help you love your body as you shape it up and take control of it. It also promotes routine, and distracts you by eliminating dead hours of your day where you could otherwise indulge in self-destructive thoughts.
• Keep changing up the aesthetic. Whether it's playing around with your own looks or the apartment/room you live in, allow your eyes to keep seeing constant change. Many people rely on re-decorating as a coping mechanism, many simply change up their hair color every once in a while.
• If you haven't already, you can try picking up a part-time job. As you start making your own money and begin sensing parts of life as a free, partly-self-sufficient adult, it can alter your perspective in great ways, kill even more dead time, and build good relationships with coworkers.
• You haven't mentioned where you're from or how big your city is. But if available, try immersing yourself in groups of international students or international volunteers. Go on MeetUp, AIESEC, events for international students, etc. Those people aren't bound by boring routine and they are only there temporarily, so all they want to do right now is have fun and create positive experiences -- being part of those positive experiences can be life-changing. 
• Lastly, a very big one, volunteer whenever you get the chance. It's a perfect combination of 1) killing dead time, 2) feeling productive, 3) building positive relationships with positive people, 4) helping you to have a clear mind equivalent to that of meditation.

 

Go ahead and try any of these which you haven't already, preferably a combination of them, whenever you can. I promise it will make a world of difference.

Edited March 20, 2023 by heckinglovato

[Solaria]

I know how hard life is as a neurodivergent person + having trauma. The fact that you are still here is amazing and you deserve to be loved and give love back. I know how much music means to us and how it seems like we don't have much outside of that. Please hang in there. There ARE gonna be better days. I don't know you OP but I just know you are a bright soul and have so much to offer to this world. Please don't give up 

 

Take life day by day. Celebrate small victories, even if it is just as small as brushing your teeth. Celebrate progress. Reflect on the bad times. You can do this. I know it's hard, life is INCREDIBLY hard. But you are not alone!

[My Tears Ricochet]

Sending you lots of love and hugs. Hang in there. You're only 19. There's so much things left for you do, see, experience and enjoy 

[Planet Mars]

I'm not you and haven't lived your life, but if you were 17 in 2021, I'm assuming you're about 18/19 today. You're life is just beginning, and as someone who'll be 27 next month, those years seem like a distant memory. You have alot to live for, and sometimes you find those things later, and that's okay.

 

You might feel grown (we all did at that age) but you're still a baby, the people and situations in your life today aren't permanent, and you still have alot of growing left to do. Good luck and most of all remember to prioritize your mental health and peace.

[Aethereal]

You're still young. Don't give up.  What doesn't kill you makes you stronger.

[Shelter]

If you need someone to chat or vent to, you can dm. I'm glad you are getting to see your fav, maybe it will help you a bit.