What is the cheat code for keeping a man???(need help as a prude)

[Phoenixstar]

I'm not generally the one to give a piece of advice because I have never been in a relationship, only had some short-term pleasure and no strings attached. Maybe because I found it much better not to be in a relationship because most of the time, things never end well. Maybe one day, who knows? 

 

Can I just say that you come across a bit, let's say, pinned down to him, that you are giving him your time and he is not returning it? This showed that you are insecure about yourself and that you do not want to lose the essence of time with him 'cause clearly you are infatuated with the thought of having an imaginary life with him.

And hey, it happens, and that is alright, but time to pick yourself up and pay more attention to yourself. You can lose him because I promise you can find someone else better, but tell me - can you find yourself better if you lose yourself?

 

I want you to give this some serious thought. What's better - sacrificing your own essence for someone, or you losing him which is not big deal because you'll meet someone better one day?

 

For the time being, let's see how things proceed.  If it isn't the way it used to be, you can have a decent conversation with him about that, but I promise you the moment you talk to him about how you are feeling, things will start to change - he will either get this superior entitled feeling that he has pinned you down or he realized that he was doing something wrong and will try to change for you. If it is the former, then you're pretty much defeated and if it is the latter, it will fade soon and yeap, you're pretty much defeated. So, there is a consequence in both, so be prepared.

Edited February 28, 2023 by Phoenixstar

[zasderfght]

On 2/21/2023 at 9:31 PM, Sweet Sexy Savage said:

Since I was able to legally have Tinder/my first dating app when I was 18 about 5 years ago, I have not met or connected with a single guy since then. There were moments where I was able to reach a deeper, mutual friendship with one or two of them, but I ultimately end up cutting them off because the friendship dies out. However, what I’m here for is to meet a nice friendly guy who can do cute **** together and I can cook for daily, but instead everyone just wants to cheat, ghost, or just hook up and I’m tired of whoring around since that **** takes a toll on your mental health and to those that say it doesn’t are lying to themselves.

Anyways, I was talking to this guy not even for a week and things seemed to be going okay. He liked that during our conversations we had a commonality in eating different types of food and some cooking. He said he was even shocked that one of my signature dishes I made was one of his go-to’s as well. All of this sweet talk and I think things are going good and then he just completely peters out of the conversation and last replies with,”oh sorry I’m at (near your home city) right now I’ve been busy” and this was like 3 days ago. It’s like I gave this dude who I never would have thought to give the time and day a chance and I feel like boo boo the fool over here. 
 

What do you girls think?

 

Let's unpack this: 

 

A) You mention everyone wants to cheat, ghost, or just hook up. I disagree. If that was the case, I wouldn't have my boyfriend. And we don't hook up with other people. Not that there is anything wrong with a non-monogamous relationship; I simply am stating that because it sounds like you want a monogamous partner who is interested in a long-term relationship. 

 

Moreover, my boyfriend's friends have been married for years, and they, too, have been in a monogamous relationship and marriage, since they met and started dating. 

 

Yes, your experiences have mostly been with men that did not give you what you wanted/needed-- which is a monogamous, long-term relationship. But this doesn't mean every man is this way. 

 

B) You mention that hooking up takes a toll on your mental health. I also disagree-- to an extent. 

 

When I was single and wanted to hook up, I had plenty of fun, and I actually think that helped boost my confidence and ease my anxiety-- knowing I could handle temporary encounters/relationships, not take myself or the other person seriously, and learning to be comfortable in my queerness and learning to be vulnerable with strangers (I was a bit too vulnerable and trusting, but you live and you learn). 

 

I do think hooking up to fill the void of a relationship will wreck you. But that's with anything. For example, using drugs to cope with unresolved self-work/trauma. 

 

C) You mention you feel like a failure because of a decent short-term experience. 

 

It is 100% okay for a decent interaction to fizzle out, and sometimes, it's not you. 

 

Any guy telling you "I'm busy" and ghosting you or being cold just isn't interested in you. You have to let these experiences roll off of you, which is easier said than done. 

 

~~~

 

My (somewhat unsolicited) advice when dating is to give it time. If the first few dates are going well, that's great! But don't invest in the person unless it's official, quite honestly. Dating is testing the waters. It's good practice for how to approach people, try new things, figure out what you like/don't like. I think we get caught up with "hey, because we have somewhat of an interest in each other, it just has to work out!" And that's not how that works. 

 

Also, truly ask yourself if you can handle a long-term relationship. I'm not saying you can't-- you are your best judge-- but it takes a lot of self-work, compromise, and conflict-resolving. It is very easy for things to go south, grow resentment towards your partner, or for communication to be misinterpreted. In my own relationship, I have had a lot of challenging moments with my partner, but it's up to both of you if you are willing and want to make it work. It's not all butterflies and sunshines and rainbows. There will also be tears, times where you cannot stand your partner, and times where you wish you were alone and can just make decisions super-selfishly. You still need to be okay with being alone-- even if you spend lots of time together. You both still have lives outside of each other. 

 

This was lengthy, but I hope it gave you the insight you needed. I didn't know or have gay male friends that had what I wanted, and while my straight friends provided some wisdom, I get it-- there are just nuances and struggles unique to gay dating that, unless you have that first-hand experience, the knowledge and advice can only go so far. 

Edited February 28, 2023 by zasderfght