TMRA Posted January 20, 2023 Posted January 20, 2023 Ive been dating my now kinda ex boyfriend for a few years now. It had its good moments but also bad ones. We usually get along but we had some communication problems in the past and it doesnt really help that we are very different people. I am more outgoing and I love to go out anywhere, he is more introverted and preferes spending time in his house. This was a problem before, I wanted us to go out on dates outside at least once a week, but he would always find some reason not to do it and instead stay at home. We fought about this and I believe Im not wrong for asking that we go to a dinner, a drink, bowling, a walk, literally anything once in a while just to switch it up and spend time somewhere new. After each fight, he "changed" for like 2 weeks and then back to the same old thing. I also thought we r wasting our times playing games/watching movies/ boardgames instead of doing something different sometimes. Its like we are 60 years old. It became boring and I was unhappy. Anyways, a few days ago I was over at his house. He was playing something with his friends so he asked if it was ok if he played for 30 minutes more and then we can hang out. I was like fine Ill just entertain myself untill you finish. 30 minutes turned into 3 hours. I literally was pissed off. We dont live together so its not like we see each other every day. And you spend the whole night playing and talking to your friends instead of hanging out with me? So 3 hours later I started to pack myself ready to leave home. He could tell that im very angry about this situation but instead of idk saying something nice to apologize and smooth things out he got too defensive being like "omg why are you mad, this is not a reason to be mad at me, why didnt you say something, you are very rude to be mad your behaviour is childlish etc etc" Basically painting himself as a victim and me as a crazy unreasonable person for even suggesting that when he invites me to his home he should actually spend time with me. On the ride home things got heated, he said something like "if you are mad over this meaningless thing, it sounds like you wanna break up with me, I dont know why I did nothing wrong" So that triggered me af, that he was playing dumb enough and didnt realise that MAYBE he made a mistake so I said fine it really does sound like that, I now am actually breaking up with you and I left. Now i am still preeetty mad, I dont think I should reach out to him first and I really dont believe I was in the wrong over this and the situations in the past. The thing is in a lot of cases he really tries to paint himself as a victim and make me doubt in myself when we argue about something that im "acting childlish, unreasonable, spoiled, going too far over a minor thing". I know that ive been manipulated a few times into believing that is really true but this was just an icing on the cake. Am I really too irrational to make this a big of a deal and considering he has been pretty passive when it comes to taking me out on dates outside the house and spending more quality time with me I dont think I am. What are your opinions?
James_Dean Posted January 20, 2023 Posted January 20, 2023 What he did was incredibly rude, and if he truly doesn't see what he did wrong in the situation, then yeah... I wouldn't bother with someone like that. He has his own priorities, and clearly you are not one of them. Sorry!
TMRA Posted January 20, 2023 Author Posted January 20, 2023 4 minutes ago, James_Dean said: What he did was incredibly rude, and if he truly doesn't see what he did wrong in the situation, then yeah... I wouldn't bother with someone like that. He has his own priorities, and clearly you are not one of them. Sorry! Well when you put it like that..TRUE. 3 YEARS down the drain
LikeATattoo Posted January 20, 2023 Posted January 20, 2023 (edited) If that was his reaction to the situation, then he has problems with accountability and, realistically, will repeat this behaviour. It’s not for me to say whether you breaking up with him was “right”, as only you know how you wish to be treated and what you feel that you deserve. Sorry that you wasted your time with this guy, but at least you don’t have to waste any more of it. Edited January 20, 2023 by LikeATattoo
Space Cowboy Posted January 20, 2023 Posted January 20, 2023 It sounds like you got mad and broke up with him in the heat of the moment, but you're actually going to get back with him as soon as he reaches to you and apologizes. Am i wrong? The fact that you called him “ my kinda ex boyfriend” confirms it. If you’re breaking up with him for real, make sure it’s because you don’t love him any longer, or because you don’t feel comfortable in the relationship. Not because you got mad in some kind of argument and you want an apology or feel vindicated. That’s emotional blackmail. I’m not defending your boyfriend btw, he seems immature and inconsiderate.
shinyshimmery Posted January 20, 2023 Posted January 20, 2023 Your feelings are valid... especially if ya'll had already talked (or argued) about it in the past and he refused to change. He owes you an apology and if he doesn't give you one, then it might not be worth it to stay together. Some people get lazy in relationships and don't try at all... seems like he's one of those.
TMRA Posted January 20, 2023 Author Posted January 20, 2023 1 minute ago, Space Cowboy said: It sounds like you got mad and broke up with him in the heat of the moment, but you're actually going to get back with him as soon as he reaches to you and apologizes. Am i wrong? The fact that you called him “ my kinda ex boyfriend” confirms it. If you’re breaking up with him for real, make sure it’s because you don’t love him any longer, or because you don’t feel comfortable in the relationship. Not because you got mad in some kind of argument and you want an apology or feel vindicated. That’s emotional blackmail. I’m not defending your boyfriend btw, he seems immature and inconsiderate. Yes I totally agree with you. I guess I have some thinking to do, being single after 3 years is gonna be hard but it is better than being unhappy
Hallad173 Posted January 20, 2023 Posted January 20, 2023 Just make a clean break. If nothing has changed after years, it’s not going to in the future and you don’t seem happy with him, just comfortable. Go find your true love. He seems to lack accountability like a mf and that **** is ingrained in people. Just move around these folks.
Ice Cream Skies Posted January 20, 2023 Posted January 20, 2023 All I had to read was the first paragraph - you're not compatible. I understand why you broke it off.
CottageHore Posted January 20, 2023 Posted January 20, 2023 He sounds like an absolute dud. You will always be in the right to break up with anybody. You need nobody but yourself and if they’re giving you any reason, let alone this many reasons, to end things with them, you’re best to do it.
Richmond Posted January 20, 2023 Posted January 20, 2023 You guys just weren’t compatible. Sure he was wrong for that specific night situation, but apart from that - in regards to the overall relationship - you’re not in the wrong and neither is he. You guys just weren’t enough of a match to make it long term and that’s ok. He needs a likeminded homebody introvert, and you should be dating someone who’s excited to take you out as you are. Back to the dating scene, sis!
Archetype Posted January 20, 2023 Posted January 20, 2023 No offense, but he sounds like a loser. The way you ended things wasn’t right and you should probably have a legit breakup convo, but you made the right choice.
The7thStranger Posted January 20, 2023 Posted January 20, 2023 Sounds like he doesn't respect you or your time. Don't let anybody take your for granted. What was the point in inviting you over if he was just going to ignore you for hours on end? That is incredibly rude.
Dolce Vita Posted January 20, 2023 Posted January 20, 2023 you were right to break things off. he wasted your time because he wanted to play games with his friends and tried to make you seem like the inconsiderate one
JustHoran Posted January 20, 2023 Posted January 20, 2023 Life is way too short to be dealing with a "man" like that. Move on sis and find someone better! He was in the wrong, not you and life is way too short for someone like that.
JustHoran Posted January 20, 2023 Posted January 20, 2023 (edited) Also give him an actual breakup, and end things. That was more of a fight and saying things when mad and not as legit. You guys are not compatible at all, though. Edited January 20, 2023 by JustHoran
Alldeezy Posted January 20, 2023 Posted January 20, 2023 I can't really say because i'm a bit like him because of anxiety, game more then go out doing stuff. however I get the frustration, he sounds 100% like my ex like except 3 hours of gaming ends up being the all 4 days of me being there, i'd be in his bed, watching him game! and I used to drive 3 hours to go see him for like that. So you probably did to the right thing.
TMRA Posted January 20, 2023 Author Posted January 20, 2023 58 minutes ago, Allday said: I can't really say because i'm a bit like him because of anxiety, game more then go out doing stuff. however I get the frustration, he sounds 100% like my ex like except 3 hours of gaming ends up being the all 4 days of me being there, i'd be in his bed, watching him game! and I used to drive 3 hours to go see him for like that. So you probably did to the right thing. Uh im sorry that sounds terrible. And actually im the one with a diagnosed anxiety disorder, not him lol he is just lazy as hell
Bloodflowers. Posted January 20, 2023 Posted January 20, 2023 Good riddance sis, he was just wasting your time instead of making you feel special
Europe Posted January 20, 2023 Posted January 20, 2023 1. The two of you are fundamentally incompatible. The good news is, 70% of humanity is extroverts so you will easily find someone who is outgoing like you. 2. You are clearly not important to him or he wouldn't have ignored you when you went to visit him. 3. He tried to gaslight you, and from what you told us it seems like it's not the first time he does this. Yes, you were absolutely right to end things with him. Also I feel this song would be helpful in your situation so maybe listen to it
scenekiller Posted January 20, 2023 Posted January 20, 2023 The fact that he blamed you for his obvious **** up, tried to gaslight you and silence your feelings, and then guilt trip you by acting like you wanted to dump him when you hadn't even suggested it yet? Sorry sis but he sounds like a narcissist. There's a lot messed up with him tbh. You got out of what could possibly become a very toxic relationship. Dating again after 3 years can be hard, but staying with a narcissist and being miserable is infinitely harder.
dumbsparce Posted January 21, 2023 Posted January 21, 2023 (edited) I'd pe pissed too if I got ignored and stayed indoors for eternity. I don't doubt that he loves you but if you feel miserable in your relationship it's only for the best you broke up with him. Edited January 21, 2023 by dumbsparce
EdgeofTeeth Posted January 21, 2023 Posted January 21, 2023 It's nearly impossible to make something work with someone who lacks accountability because they'll never do their share of the work a relationship requires. Even though it sounds like you broke up in the heat of the moment, it sounds like it was the right decision.
freakum. Posted January 22, 2023 Posted January 22, 2023 3 years is long but if you're unhappy don't let it turn into 5 or 10. It's difficult when you love someone and you shared so much time but you gotta think about yourself. I used to have bad social anxiety so I understood him a bit but then you said he's just lazy so there's no real excuse. What you are asking for isn't even much at all, you asked for one day out of the whole week to go out? He should be able to put that effort in especially if he truly loves you and who knows, the more he goes out the more he may like it. If you already communicated this to him several times then I don't think it's worth it but he may also be content since you guys have been together 3 years. He probably thinks you won't ACTUALLY break up wit him so maybe give him some space or explain that you can't deal with it anymore. You were right to break up but if you love him and want to make it work then it might be worth talking to him and seeing how he reacts. I had a relationship that ended but once we got back together we were so good. You just gotta take time to think about what you want. It's going to suck to be single again but after awhile you will have fun. Just really with what your gut is telling you to do. Good luck
Henry Torres Posted January 22, 2023 Posted January 22, 2023 (edited) It sounds like you and your ex-boyfriend have had ongoing issues with communication and different preferences for how to spend time together. It's understandable that you would be frustrated with your ex-boyfriend's behavior and that you would feel disrespected when he chose to spend time playing video games with his friends instead of spending time with you. It's also understandable that you would be upset by his dismissive and defensive reaction when you expressed your feelings. It seems that you've been putting in effort to try to improve the relationship and address your concerns, but that your ex-boyfriend has been unresponsive or dismissive of your feelings. Based on what you've described, it seems that breaking up with him was a reasonable decision. It's important to take care of yourself and be in a relationship where your feelings and needs are respected. Ultimately, whether or not you were "right" to break up with your ex-boyfriend is a subjective decision that depends on your personal values and priorities. However, based on what you've described, it seems that the relationship was not meeting your needs and that you had communicated your concerns to your ex-boyfriend without seeing meaningful change. It's important to be in a relationship where your feelings and needs are respected and where you can be happy. If the relationship was causing you to feel unhappy, frustrated, or disrespected, it may have been the best decision to end it. Edited January 22, 2023 by Henry Torres
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