My mom died unexpectedly, I'm depressed

[Oktober Knight]

I'm not one to vent about my personal life on here, but I feel this year has been so extremely challenging that I have to get it out, especially after my mother just passed away last week with no warning. 

 

At the beginning of the year, my step mother had complications with back surgery where she wasn't healing. It eventually caused an infection that moved to her brain and she passed away suddenly, leaving my dad to be alone and depressed. Thankfully my husband and I just bought a home a mile away from him so I can check in on him and bring him food every few days. 

 

Then my husband took a wild turn in his personality when summer hit. He became very bitter and angry for no apparent reason. I studied abroad in Dublin for a month and he was nothing but cruel to me over the phone. When I returned, he didn't seem to want me back and things were shakey between us. Then he had a heart attack out of the blue and almost died. He recovered quickly but he was refusing to go to work. He also became depressed and had no intention on working and had little interest on leaving the house. He eventually accepted a contract out of state and he became even worse. We fought over the phone every single day and we were actually considering a divorce. We had been together for 7 happy years but his sudden change in personality was taking a toll on me and I became overly stressed and depressed. He ended his contract early and he returned home. We fought for weeks like we never did before (screaming at the top of our lungs [which has NEVER happened before], ignoring each other, not leaving the house, constantly bickering).

 

Then my new school semester started and it was my most challenging one yet. The workload was massive and I was working tons of hours at work, leaving me constantly feeling tired and overwhelmed. This caused our fighting to get worse and I became so depressed that I wouldn't crack jokes to my friends or coworkers anymore, declined visiting family, and I had suicidal thoughts. My mind couldn't take it anymore. I confessed to my husband what was going on and we agreed that I should see a therapist and we would have a talk about our relationship. He finally admitted that he was unhappy and didn't know where his anger came from. After his heart attack, he's scared to death of dying and leaving me behind. We had long conversations for days about our future and it really helped - he was back to his old self again (charming, sweet talker, cuddly, going out to town again, supportive of my school, etc). I still decided to start therapy though which was going VERY well and was helping me feel so much better. I was finally optimistic about the near future. 

 

Then...I recently got the news that my mother passed away in her sleep very unexpectedly. She was so excited to fly up from Florida to spend the holidays with the family for the first time in 15 years. Me and my 2 sisters were gonna have her stay with us for 1 week each at our homes. I had many plans with her and was going to give her the best vacation ever, as were my sisters. Just 4 days before she was supposed to leave, she passed and we have no idea what caused it. An autopsy was performed but we won't get the results back for 12 weeks. Until then, it's a mystery which is eating us up inside. We paid to have her body transported up to Michigan for a funeral which happens this Wednesday.

 

I now have fallen off the mountain again. I'm severely depressed to the point where I can't work and have little interest in doing things like house chores and cooking. My suicidal thoughts are coming back. My husband is being very supportive but his job requires him to be gone for 3 days a week so I'm home alone most of the time. I tried returning to work today but I only lasted 3 hours. I broke down and had to leave. 

 

Now I'm lost. I have no interest in the future anymore and I'm afraid I'm going to be the one to push my husband away this time. I have no idea what's in store for 2023. 

[imabadkid]

wow that’s a lot in such a short amount of time. I’m sorry for your loss 

[Almodusa]

So sorry you had to go through so much this year. It’s good to let things out. Might not always make things easier but it’s definitely a way to help your mental health.

[suburbannature]

I’m so sorry to hear that. I can’t imagine how empty things must feel right now so soon after, and I know adjusting must seem unattainable. 
 

Do you think you should consider FMLA or is staying busy the best for you? Maybe you could utilize employee support or speak to a therapist to figure out the best route to navigate your grief and future plans simultaneously.

 

I know there’s not much I can offer from afar, but please know I’m thinking of you and my DMs are open if you’d ever like a chat. 

[Oktober Knight]

1 minute ago, suburbannature said:

I’m so sorry to hear that. I can’t imagine how empty things must feel right now so soon after, and I know adjusting must seem unattainable. 
 

Do you think you should consider FMLA or is staying busy the best for you? Maybe you could utilize employee support or speak to a therapist to figure out the best route to navigate your grief and future plans simultaneously.

 

I know there’s not much I can offer from afar, but please know I’m thinking of you and my DMs are open if you’d ever like a chat. 

I just took a leave at work and they were very understanding about it. As of now, I don't have to return until January 4th. Plus my therapy is a benefit we have at work which is free to me, however I only have 9 more sessions left that they will pay for. 

 

Thank you for the kind words 

[hector.adriel]

I’m so sorry you’re going through this… I understand what you’re going through a bit. It’s been a f*cking hard year workwise and I lost my grandfather a month ago and on Friday (the day before christmas) my grandma (who was a mom to me) passed away.

 

Try not skipping therapy, it really helps. And keep talking to your husband about how you feel, and also to your sisters, they know more than anyone what you’re feeling regarding your mom passing away.

 

I’ll be including you in my prayers. You are not alone, I send a huge hug your way 

[Elusive Chanteuse]

Oh I am so sorry  about all this! There is a lot change happening but the storm will calm eventually. Jus take it one day at a time. 

[Richmond]

Jeez you’ve had a hard year sis. Sending you all the love and best wishes. You got this - you will push through and prevail 

[Guest]

I'm sorry love Thoughts and prayers xx

[SoJro101]

Praying for you and your family. Take it one day at a time and be patient with yourself OP. So sorry for your loss ❤️

[MonsterTown]

i am sorry for your loss, you need time to heal remember the anger and the stress that you had in the past bc of you relationship, that is gone, you and your husband are in better place right now, you did fight, both did fight for that relationship because at the end of the day is what you really want in life, is the future that you wanted, to stay together. don't think about your past rn.
we as human always need time to recover and heal, a passing is always hurtful but you know this is part of life, and your mother wants you to be happy and keep going, being strong living your life full of joy, doing the work that you like,living life with the person that you choose to be your partner, and remembering and honoring the people that loved you the most. sorry my english isn't that good
Don't focus on the autopsy you could not anticipate the result, your mother is now in a better place. and you need time to overcome this loss but remember you deserve to be happy and enjoy life too. overcome doesn't mean you have to forget your mom is about remembering her full of joy and the good times she had in this  life, this is part of life and you will be okay, stay strong  also don't force you to be "okay" when you obviously can't do that right now its time to find your peace.

[hallucinate]

so sorry for your loss, i’m sending you so much love 

[TROJAN]

I’m so sorry to hear about your loss. You’re stronger than you think. I wish you strength and peace.

[Power love]

I’m soo sorry babe big hug!

[slimfem]

Sorry for your loss, I hope time helps to ease your pain.  Glad you have your husband and sisters for support. 

[Zeferino]

I’m really sorry you had to endure those things in such a short period, I’ll keep you in my thoughts 

Edited December 27, 2022 by Zeferino

[Taylucifer]

i’m so sorry for your loss, sending big hugs 

[Domination]

So sorry to hear about your hardships, dear. I don’t really know what to say other than you should take this opportunity to reshape your life in a new way while you heal from the loss of your mom. Sending love  

[Chaos Angel]

Sending love

 

And know you've learned one of life's most important lessons; that things really aren't in our control. Even the things and people most meaningful to us.

 

All you can do now is observe your feelings and tap into your emotions. Don't push them away, cause they will come back to bite even harder. But also remember to always tell yourself that it will pass. Even though this is a time of darkness where the world may feel so empty, just know that one day you will transform this pain into love. Love and compassion for both yourself and others. You will always be brought back to life if you hold onto that little bit of hope and believe in yourself. 

[Sesame]

Sis, I’m so sorry about the recent hardships. That’s a lot for one person to endure, especially in such a small time window.
 

Just know that even though it hurts a lot right now, you’ll be able to move forward again eventually. The time it takes varies by person, but I’m positive your mom wouldn’t want her death to negatively affect you. My dad always says that when he passes, he doesn’t want us to spend a single second visiting his grave or grieving over him. His ideology behind it being life is short and time is precious, and he wants us to be happy and remember the good times, while not thinking about the “what could have been” when our circumstances are definite. 

[popmusicisdead]

i'm so sorry to hear that this happened to you all in one year. i can't even imagine all this happening to me. you're a very strong person. i've been dealing with depression and suicidal ideation most of my life and all i can say is that it gets better or at least you get better at dealing with it. sometimes it gets really really dark before you see the light again. just keep holding on, you are not alone 

 

[teenager]

That sounds so overwhelming. I'm so sorry you have so much going on in your life right now. I can't even imagine what it must be like to lose your mom like that. 

 

I'm glad to hear you and your husband have been able to mend things and I know it must be so difficult with him being away. 

 

Please try not to bully or discredit yourself too much for not doing enough. Set yourself small targets, small goals. Work your way up. If one day you have a regression, that's okay. Even if it's just getting out of bed and showering, that is something. Keep talking to your partner and keep that open dialogue and remember to ask him how you're feeling too.

 

I know it doesn't feel like it now with so many things stacked against you but things will begin to become more manageable. But you are feelings are valid. You've been through a lot.

 

You're not alone.

 

 

Edited December 27, 2022 by teenager

[FreeXone]

Wow that is tough. I’m glad you can vent to us anything can help.

[Crayzik]

I am so sorry for your loss and sending you lot of love I lost my mom too and it is one of the most painful thing.

You will take time to heal but trust me everything is going to be okay and you will be stronger that you've ever been. She's one of your guardian angel now and amazing things are going to happen to you. Finally with the rought year that you've experienced you have the right to take a break - A good trip with your sisters (or family) can be a good thing.

 

 

Edited December 27, 2022 by Crayzik

[Miss Show Business]

Wow, I'm so very sorry for your loss and all you've been going through. Almost no person would be able to get through this amount of stress unscathed. Definitely continue getting therapy and tell your therapist these things. I hope things take a turn for the better very soon for you.

 

If you ever need someone to talk to and don't want to post it, my PMs are always open, dear. Thank you for sharing with us. I promise you, you're far from alone